People who say they need to decide nearer the time

[IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic]

This happened twice this week. I have invited people over for lunch after Christmas (so not months in advance or anything) and they have told me that they aren’t yet sure what they’re doing that day/ would like to play it by ear. It is so rude. Not least because, having issued the invitation, I am now stuck until you make a decision and I can’t make other plans with my (limited) annual leave. If I’m not good enough for you to cash in a holiday day on, then fine - just decline the invitation- but it’s bloody rude to put me in a position where I’m now stuck holding the day for you, and you’re waiting to see whether you get a better offer. I absolutely see that people might be in a position whereby they are waiting to hear back from visiting family etc after Christmas - so in that case, either say so and chase up the missing bit of info and say you’ll revert asap (obviously perfectly normal and reasonable), or if that isn’t possible, then just decline the invitation, surely, so as not to inconvenience the person extending the invitation and leave them hanging on, with the implication that their time is less important than yours…? It’s just so ill-mannered!

I do think there’s a lot of people who don’t get saying “no thank you” isn’t rude, but leaving people hanging like this is. If you don’t like invites in the calendar long way in advance just decline offers more than a day or two in advance then make an effort to ask them to do something regularly when you are free and fancy being social.

Op - take this as a no. Make other plans, don’t hold a day for them. If you don’t manage to make other plans or on the day they contact you to see if you are still free and it’s easy to accommodate them into your new plans, invite them along.

Also make a note with this person, don’t instigate plans again until they’ve invited you to do something/suggested a meet up.

'Don't worry about it...we have a few other things to sort at this end and can catch up soon when there's a good time for you.'

Unless you know they have a good reason, I wouldn't put your calendar on hold.

Mil does this, so not invited again!

How often do we see threads where people just can't say no. They are put on the spot and because they can't think of a reason to say no - and don't think that "Actually I'd rather stick pins in my eyes" is an acceptable answer, they say "Yes, thank you, that would be lovely". Then post on here about how they are dreading it and want to get out of it. (Often advised to ring and say "Sorry that doesn't work for me" Or lie and say they are sick!!😂)

It is very rude of them.

But I would say out “it’s fine if you can’t commit but I’m going to make other plans for the day if that’s the case”.

I just wish more people would understand this is far ruder than saying no. Or saying yes when first asked and then the same day calling back “oops sorry, clash in the diary, can’t do.” Just say no.

This is a better reply.

This is unbelievably rude. Please don’t do this.

My friends understand and many also have young children so get it as they can have a rubbish few nights with them and be completely exhausted without a health condition. We make a rough date then usually 3 days before confirm.

If it's something like trying to arrange a special dinner or birthday trip then yes I judge how I am when invited and will decline.

I prefer to firm plans up a few days then be cancelling. Many of my friends are the same.

Yes, they are being rude BUT....they are also telling you that they are not very interested in coming to lunch. I expect they'd like to decline but feel awkward about it so offer up the lame "we'll see".

By the time the day after Christmas rolls around I've had enough of all the holiday hoopla and look forward to some quiet time. But I would just politely decline the invitation. Anything else is inconsiderate to your host.

The same people saying they can’t possibly make plans are the same ones who whinge that they don’t have anyone to rely on.
Everyone is busy.
It’s fine to say you will have to let the person know. Then either say yes or no.
If an emergency crops up and you are ill for example, of course your friend won’t hold it against you.
If you never go out in a Friday as you are always shattered then just say no, I can’t make it.
Don’t leave someone hanging though, it’s rude.

its better than saying yes then cancelling because theyre hungover or too exhausted. especially if its boxing day or new years day (or the day after)

this reminds of the Rules (remember them - the dating book) they had this whole thing about never being 'bookmarked'. that if you were being asked out by a man for a date, you need to agree a fixed date, time and place to meet - that was a date.

anything less 'lets' do something on next wednesday. I'll call you" was too vague and operated as 'a bookmark' - which meant that you were left hanging and uncertain.

bookmarks were unacceptable for the Rules Girl.

I think the same thing for you @OP. you need to be more Rulesy
would you like to come for lunch on 27 December?
-I'm not sure, can I let you know?

the rules girl would be 'ah! ok. sorry that won't work for me as I have a busy week and I need to organise my week ahead. maybe another time".

another less officious way would be to say
"Ok if you need to check your diary but I'll need you to let me know by the end of tomorrow (or whatever specific deadline you set)- I'll text you to remind you - but if I haven't heard, then I will assume it is a no because I need to organise food and plan my busy week."

I think it's bonkers that people don't just go 'no thanks, I've got plans already' if they don't want to go. Then let them plan for the numbers . Do they imagine people can't handle the disappointment on the spot?

So if they say an immediate yes then something happens so they cancel would you also complain then?

Depends what the "something" is, surely.

No... Things happen... By that logic no one would ever plan anything because something may happen.

Obviously barring ridiculous excuses or better offers. They're not happenings.

Well I would say they have declined. But if you really want them to come then they would want you to ask again closer to the time. If everyone just declined would you be happy?

TBH, if I invited someone over and they said they weren’t sure if they were free and they’d let me know nearer the time, I’d think they were saying “no thank you” and move on with my life.

Fancy coming on the internet to boast about how rude you are.

Well:

1. not if they were ill or their kids were ill or they had an accident or something of that kind - obviously nobody can help that;

2.no, if they’ve got home that evening and realised they have a diary clash and they message to cancel within a day or two - that’s totally fair enough; 3.yes, if it was because they just got a better offer - because that would be fist-bitingly rude; 4.yes, if I were elbow deep in cooking on the day, having already got up early to clean the house and spent a fair bit of money on ingredients I wouldn’t buy if I were cooking beans on toast for just us, and they messaged to say they just couldn’t be bothered. Again, horrendously bad-mannered.

That’s why the onus is on them to decline if no.s 3 or 4 are things that they suspect might happen, or if they have happened before. Once you’ve accepted an invitation and your host has started committing a good chunk of time and effort (and possibly money) to getting ready for your visit, only illness/emergency is really a good enough reason to cancel without it being really, really rude. I mean, that just goes without saying, surely? Although upon reading some of the responses above, perhaps not…

Sorry - don’t know what happened with the formatting there…

Ha, sounds like you're friends with my uncle and aunt. They pissed about and didn't confirm arrangements to meet when my cousin and his wife had their first baby, so when something else came up they figured they were free to commit to that. Uncle and aunt then tried to confirm arrangements about two days before and weren't happy to be told cousin and wife and baby were no longer free. This happened a couple of times and uncle went into a few rants about cousin "not letting him see baby". No, uncle, you were in the wrong.

Well you’ve made quite a lot of assumptions there my dear, to clarify and answer your questions.

1. I would never decide on the day that I wasn’t going to turn up, that would be rude. If I’ve committed to go I will go.

2. the only time I would cancel on the day would be unforeseen illness

3. if I can’t commit immediately like you seem to expect, I would say I’m not sure and ask if I can get back to them later.

4. You seem like an over fussy and over demanding host, you need to be more flexible and aware that holiday time is exhausting and stressful for some of us. Ask your invitees to let you know by a certain date if you are so keen to host them.

5. I don’t always know what is happening over the Christmas holidays, I have a family to consider.who take priority