People who say they need to decide nearer the time

[IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic]

This happened twice this week. I have invited people over for lunch after Christmas (so not months in advance or anything) and they have told me that they aren’t yet sure what they’re doing that day/ would like to play it by ear. It is so rude. Not least because, having issued the invitation, I am now stuck until you make a decision and I can’t make other plans with my (limited) annual leave. If I’m not good enough for you to cash in a holiday day on, then fine - just decline the invitation- but it’s bloody rude to put me in a position where I’m now stuck holding the day for you, and you’re waiting to see whether you get a better offer. I absolutely see that people might be in a position whereby they are waiting to hear back from visiting family etc after Christmas - so in that case, either say so and chase up the missing bit of info and say you’ll revert asap (obviously perfectly normal and reasonable), or if that isn’t possible, then just decline the invitation, surely, so as not to inconvenience the person extending the invitation and leave them hanging on, with the implication that their time is less important than yours…? It’s just so ill-mannered!

I think you need to just say let’s do this another time. Or invite someone else and have a couple of friends over so it doesn’t matter if the others don’t come. Or invite someone else and if the others decide they can come just say oh sorry I didn’t think you were coming so I made other plans.

I will say I have to check the calendar if I’m put on the spot and don’t want to do something. But I will text and let them know.

I had a friend who used to do this a lot. In the end I just got fed up of waiting around for her to make a decision and started making other plans
She was most put out when she finally got back to me and I was no longer free

I wldnt be hanging about waiting on them deciding. You need to say oh it's fine we can catch up another time. I'd rather know now so I can plan ahead.

I don't like this either unless a good reason is given, eg: I don't know how I'll be feeling after the operation; We have a tentative arrangement to visit my uncle in Spain and are waiting for confirmation; I am hoping to be in the Master Chef final, or whatever.
Pretty much 'I'll wait and see if there's a better offer' is not OK.
There's no reason for you to keep the day free for them. Leaving it open works both ways.

This isn't rude. You're asking friends to make plans on one of the busiest week of the year for family stuff. Just arrange different stuff and see them another time if waiting is such an issue.

I don’t always know what is happening over the Christmas holidays, I have a family to consider.who take priority

I agree with you on this which is why I would just decline the invitation outright. Because the truth is you really don't want to commit to a lunch date in the event that something better comes along (a family visit or outing).

Or
'Inviting people over at a time when most people aren't at work'
(yes, I know carers, retail, emergency services, hospital staff etc are).

If you don't want to mix with people then, that's fine - you just say "Thanks, that's really kind, but we've got a lot of family stuff on so won't be able to". Which is fine, and a perfectly reasonable response to an invitation, which the OP wouldn't mind.
However, that isn't what the thread is about. The thread is about trying to keep an invitation open, without committing to it.

Absolutely @NewName24 , an invitation isn't a gun to the head. It's a very simple binary reply in most cases. People just seem to have lost the guts to commit either way.
We all have stuff on. Doesnt mean you can't say yes or no.
I hear about this all the time from our younger family members, who constantly seem to chop and change arrangements (and often end up doing nothing as a result because everyone is doing it!).

but it’s bloody rude to put me in a position where I’m now stuck holding the day for you, and you’re waiting to see whether you get a better offer.

I agree. I would say something along the lines of 'let me know if you'd like to come and I'll let you know if I'm still free by then.'

They are saying no without being able to say no. It's like when you put leftovers in the fridge. You're not going to eat them. You know you're not going to eat them. But you put them in a box for three days because you can't face it!

I always take it as a no and make other plans. I would never hold a day for someone like that.

This annoys me no end. It seems to be quite common these days. People don’t want to commit in case they get better offer 🤨

Turn it around.
Hi- are you able to come for lunch on.....
Can you let me know today as I'm planning the rest of the week? If I don't hear from you I'll assume you can't make it. Happy Christmas if we don't see you x

What charm school did you drop out of? Jeez! 🙄

Outside of holiday times I have a regimented schedule of work and other commitments, so during the holidays, I enjoy the freedom of having no plans and being spontaneous.

Their motivation may be this, rather than waiting for a better offer. But if that’s the case, their response should be to politely decline the invitation.

Surely you say yes or no and only cancel if you're physically not up to it?

I always eat the leftovers. I can't relate to this at all.

"I have invited people over for lunch after Christmas (so not months in advance or anything) and they have told me that they aren’t yet sure what they’re doing that day/ would like to play it by ear."
To which I would respond 'Well I'll take that as a 'no' then'.

Then just say no. If someone's invited you to something less casual than just a bunch of people in a pub, you need to give them a definite response for their convenience, not for yours.

I get that diarising social stuff is stressful but if someone's offering to host, you have to operate to their timetable.

What? No one is putting you on the spot. If you need to check X/Y/Z say so and say you'll get back to your friend by the end of the week or whatever, then do so.

No one knows on the spot whether they're free on a certain date! There's always a diary to check. So you tell your friend what you have to consider and then you make up your mind.

I’ve just lived through 15 years of immeasurable stress, caring for very sick parents with lots of care needs. That unfortunately would have been me a lot of the time, probably wanting to go but not having the energy, not knowing if I would have the energy at the time, or never feeling I could fully commit as I spent that much time in and out of hospitals with them. I do feel your pain though, it’s not easy being in that position.

In my case that “better offer” may well be working (self employed) or just being semi comatose on the sofa as I’m peopled out or exhausted (chronic illness).

i try not to make a big deal of my chronic pain condition and associated exhaustion, so many friends may not be aware of it. I have to manage my time carefully to make sure I can get my work done on time and still function as a single parent, and make time to see my boyfriend a couple of times a week. Adding in an extra commitment could throw the whole thing off if I have an extremely busy work day or don’t sleep well.

It’s not rude to say that I can’t commit at the moment. If they ask me if I’m free tomorrow they’ll get a firmer answer, a couple of weeks away and I have no idea what my health or work schedule will look like.

I'm really curious how long you just stood there for 🤔

Instead of sitting their seething because people can't commit at one of the busiest times of the year, just tell them you need to know by X date and move on 🤷🏻‍♂️

I can’t commit now is one thing, but to not even commit to a date by which you’re prepared to let them know, nor to delay into a time you can commit to is actually unspeakably rude.

I’m sorry that some randomer on the internet has had to let you know that you are every host’s worst nightmare.

Be upfront OP, at the first hint of flakiness say that’s fine but you’ll see who else is free that day, and tell the faffer to get back to you with an alternate date.

If they pull the “oh suddenly I’m free today now, and up for your delicious lunch”, tell them yes but serve them leftovers sandwiches.