People who say they need to decide nearer the time

[IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic]

This happened twice this week. I have invited people over for lunch after Christmas (so not months in advance or anything) and they have told me that they aren’t yet sure what they’re doing that day/ would like to play it by ear. It is so rude. Not least because, having issued the invitation, I am now stuck until you make a decision and I can’t make other plans with my (limited) annual leave. If I’m not good enough for you to cash in a holiday day on, then fine - just decline the invitation- but it’s bloody rude to put me in a position where I’m now stuck holding the day for you, and you’re waiting to see whether you get a better offer. I absolutely see that people might be in a position whereby they are waiting to hear back from visiting family etc after Christmas - so in that case, either say so and chase up the missing bit of info and say you’ll revert asap (obviously perfectly normal and reasonable), or if that isn’t possible, then just decline the invitation, surely, so as not to inconvenience the person extending the invitation and leave them hanging on, with the implication that their time is less important than yours…? It’s just so ill-mannered!

They are waiting for a better offer. MIL did it a few years ago when I invited them for Christmas dinner. She actually said “I’ll see if I get a better offer” she didn’t and I didn’t offer again.

i also find this rude.

Give them a deadline to make the decision so you know where you stand. ‘Thanks ok, let me know by Friday if you’d like to come and I’ll add you to my diary.’

Agreed, it’s so rude. ‘Can I let you know’ should be until they can get home and check the diary, no longer. It’s fine to say no thanks because you don’t think you’ll feel like it but keeping it in reserve just in case is bloody outrageous.

It's quite rude unless you're asking miles off or they give a reason (huge exam they can't think past, health issue) Give them a deadline to confirm.

I can see there potentially being other things in play. For example, husband mentioned something with his work or his side of the family, but hasn’t confirmed what’s going on yet. It may genuinely not be about a better offer, but needing to figure out if plans have been made on their behalf or not. Or kids might need a ride, etc. They may really want to see you and are trying to figure out how to make it work.

There tends to be a lot of moving parts for people this time of year, and assuming the worst of friends isn’t going to help anyone.

Id follow up, and if they can’t confirm, tell them you’re going to go ahead and make other plans and see them in the new year.

This is everyone though. We all have stuff. We all have the potential to get ill. But if our diary is free and we want to accept an invitation we say 'yes please' and deal with later disasters if they occur. If the invitee simply doesn't want to go or is hanging on for another offer they just say 'lovely but I'm busy so can't come' no one is holding a gun to the head with an invitation. Nine times out of ten it's a simple yes or no. And no one minds the latter. It's the faffing around that's so rude

It's really not that complicated.

I'm 58 and this sort of stuff didn't used ti happen. But it seems to now.

I don't think it's rude at all. I hate being put on the spot. People ask if I want to come to lunch on 27th. They already know that they're free, uncle Jack will have gone home, DH is taking the kids out etc. I haven't thought through the logistics... what was I doing the night before and will I have stayed over/ have guests staying over? When will I next have to prep something for work? Don't forget youngest has an event and will need picking up at 4.... There's no way I could possibly answer on the spot. And I hate it! (Often say yes forgetting that I've now committed to a four hour drive at 8 in the morning ... or something. And spend the next week thinking of ways to get out of it!!)
So I say - can I let you know, can I decide nearer the time. And if it's a casual arrangement the friend says "sure" or "Don't worry if you're not free I'll arrange something else" or whatever... we communicate..
No-one intends to be rude I'm sure. Just different ways of doing things.

Yabu, do you mean the day after Xmas or when exactly. People are very busy this time of year and literally after Xmas might just want to do nothing. Every invite for after Xmas this year, I have said I will let you know closer to the time. They can plan ahead without me but I can't commit now.

I voted YABU because you are incorrect to say you are stuck waiting - if they can play it by ear, so can you.

Just say 'oh no problem' and make other plans. Ask them again nearer the time if you still have a gap.

Lots of people don't like to or can't plan things far in advance - and that's fine. It is much less annoying than them saying yes then having to give back word.

They want a better offer and you're not a priority.

Yanbu.

With my (ex) friend who use to do this I started yes saying "ok" and when she came back and said "oh I can do Thursday" I'd say "oh that's a shame as I'm doing X now".

It annoyed her more that I didn't hang around waiting for her than it annoyed me that she expected me to hang around and wait for her!

On the odd occasion my very good friends ask and I'm not sure I'll say I'll need to check if I'm free but always say I'll text them that evening.

But they know it's only because I have to check if it's a competition weekend for ds and I don't always remember if it's months in advance!

Clearly not always true. My better offer is that I have two young children and I very rarely commit to dates in advance. They get ill, bad nights sleep, we are exhausted, Xmas with young kids is exhausting too so there is no way I'm committing early enough.

It is frustrating. If I were you I would reply and say ‘Ah, okey doke, can you let me know by X (tomorrow/two days away/a week way/whatever works) as I’ll make other plans if not.’

I can see there potentially being other things in play. For example, husband mentioned something with his work or his side of the family, but hasn’t confirmed what’s going on yet. It may genuinely not be about a better offer, but needing to figure out if plans have been made on their behalf or not. Or kids might need a ride, etc. They may really want to see you and are trying to figure out how to make it work.

Absolutely, which is why you reply "Can I let you know tonight?", which will be once you've checked all those things.
Not leave the person doing the inviting hanging indefinitely.

You need to say no then.

Just say you have people who did commit when they get back to you. People who don’t really want to see you hedge their bets.

On a slightly different tack. We were asked if we wanted to join a table at our local ball. We said yes. A few weeks later we got a phone call to say could we stand down because X (influential village person) had now heard that their friends could come. We said no problem but were furious. I had bought a dress. 2 days before the ball we get a phone call saying “so sorry, would you still like to come?” Turns out the friends can no longer come. So in effect we were called in off the subs bench. Again. We said no. Either people want you or they don’t. It’s just rude to mess people about.

It's so rude. Strikes me as them saying "I'll wait and see if a better offer comes along first" 😔

I think if they said they would let you know within a couple of days then it would be fine but to wait until the day/ day before is rude. Next time tell them a date when you need to know by.

Well, er, yes - this is exactly the bit that is rude. I mean, we’re all in that position. If you don’t want to commit then that’s absolutely fine - good manners would dictate that the onus is then on you to decline. Seriously, it’s the height of rudeness to leave people hanging because you want to decide on the day whether it you do or don’t want to go.

Yeah I think it is more this, like they have to visit Aunty Mabel at some point but that depends on what day her kids are visiting but they are waiting to hear back from their dog sitter, they also want to book the panto but that has to wait on the other plans falling into place and then dependent what tickets are available etc etc

having said that they should give you a date they can confirm by or you should just cancel the invite

Crikey - that is next level! Were they not even embarrassed, TizerorFizz?!

I often say ‘i will check the diary and get back to you” but I always follow up with a yes/no

I would make other plans if I wanted to and just let them know. You can't wait around in case they decide they are available to see you.

Any other time of the year I would agree. However around this time often families are so vague with you about their availability I won't commit to things until I have the must sees sorted but actually would love to attend the event you are inviting me to but if its the only day mum/sister/son can see me because of work shifts etc.