People who say they need to decide nearer the time

[IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic]

This happened twice this week. I have invited people over for lunch after Christmas (so not months in advance or anything) and they have told me that they aren’t yet sure what they’re doing that day/ would like to play it by ear. It is so rude. Not least because, having issued the invitation, I am now stuck until you make a decision and I can’t make other plans with my (limited) annual leave. If I’m not good enough for you to cash in a holiday day on, then fine - just decline the invitation- but it’s bloody rude to put me in a position where I’m now stuck holding the day for you, and you’re waiting to see whether you get a better offer. I absolutely see that people might be in a position whereby they are waiting to hear back from visiting family etc after Christmas - so in that case, either say so and chase up the missing bit of info and say you’ll revert asap (obviously perfectly normal and reasonable), or if that isn’t possible, then just decline the invitation, surely, so as not to inconvenience the person extending the invitation and leave them hanging on, with the implication that their time is less important than yours…? It’s just so ill-mannered!

If I'm invited somewhere I don't want to go this is the phrase I use 'let's see nearer to the time' then I plan something else so I can say I'm not available

I don't think this is always rude but depends how good a friend they are and how sympathetic/understanding they are to a busy life. We are at the mercy of kids sports activities at the weekend so might be waiting for a match time before we can commit. Try not to use the 'can we confirm later' but unavoidable sometimes and our friends understand and know they can call it if they don't want to wait.

Obnoxious. So you leave them hanging?

Maybe they are a teacher and on their last legs dragging themselves to the end of an 8 week half term and still marking a mountain of mocks, whilst also trying to avoid the family row about who goes where for Christmas whilst simultaneously trying to order the magic of Christmas online for their kids, as well as making sure they've filled their tesco online order in for the day before Xmas eve so they have actualy Christmas dinner. Find the Christmas jumpers...and probably wash them too. Also making sure that they've purchased gifts for a million other people, teachers, TA's etc, got something nice for themseves and their kids to wear on Christmas day, organised the logistics of who has what clubs and who's taking who to and from Christmas productions, buying the work secret santa, the food for the bring and share buffet, the end of term gifts for the work team, the fucking elves. Then there's the normal household stuff like washing and cleaning etc etc.......and maybe they just don't have the headspace for anything else so cut them some slack!!

By the way op, I'm not coming, I am staying at home in my pyjamas eating cheese for the holidays....oh crap, I need to go and add cheese to the tesco basket!!

@IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic Apparently not. I think we were meant to feel honoured at being asked a second time. It was a different table member who re-asked us. Not the one who delivered the “stand down please” request. Neither was the guest with the friends. I never come off the subs bench. Either I’m wanted or I’m not. So if people are invited to me and hedge, they get replaced if they don’t respond no. No is fine. Maybe isn’t.

'etc.......and maybe they just don't have the headspace for anything else so cut them some slack!!'

If you're up to your eyeballs, you say no thanks, can't manage it at the moment, let's catch up in January / whenever. You don't string people along so you can see how you feel on the day!

That's shockingly rude. If you don't want to go, just say sorry, you're busy that day/evening/whatever.

Leaving them hanging and then saying you have something else on is unbelievably crass.

They could be waiting for a better offer or unable to commit due to waiting for someone else to confirm something or expecting a medical appointment etc etc.

In this instance I would make other plans unless you are prepared to hang on.

Just say ok I would really like to make plans on X day so if your still not sure or unable to commit to definite plans yet, lets just leave it and get together another time.

YANBU. FIL always does this with DH. We lived overseas and DH planned to visit, 12 months notice, invited his dad for dinner and was told “I don’t what I’m doing yet”

That was the last time DH invited any family for something as he severely pissed off.

In your situation OP I would reply - so that’s a no then. I’m sorting the numbers for food/seating. Hope you have a lovely Christmas.

@IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic

The thing is op, while possibly most people function like you, many people, myself included, don't really enjoy planning ahead. (Probably my ND at play)

So it's a bit like me saying that I find it rude that a friend will never make time for a spontaneous meet up. I understand that most families plan and fill their weekends, for instance, but my ideal, and that of my close friends is to get in contact and then meet up that day, sometimes within the hour. We all have families too, it's just that we don't have full schedules.

I understand your point of view and because most of my friends are similar to me then apart from a large group meet up I don't really need to accept or decline advance invites.
I don't feel aggrieved that some friends need to plan ahead or think that they are "rude" because they don't have the flexibility to be spontaneous. I accept that they live their lives differently to me and if I want to continue the friendship I do so in a way where we both have to compromise slightly.

I had this recently, and fall into the "this is rude as fuck" camp. If someone invites you over for a meal, they are offering to keep that part of their schedule free for you, consider your dietary preferences and requirements, devise a menu, shop for you and cook for you. And you cba to say yes or no?
I had so-called friends tell me they'll come if they're free (I.e. haven't had a better offer) - which felt a lot like my home was being treated like a fucking cafe.
Obviously they never got back in touch. I had worked on the assumption they weren't coming anyway, but I can't say it wasn't upsetting to be treated like that by people I thought were friends. I won't be inviting them again, unless they invite me somewhere first, as I now feel like they don't value my company at all.
I wonder if they mistakenly believe it's a way of letting someone down gently? (It's not)
If someone invites you over for dinner, it's polite to respond ASAP either yes or no. Even if everyone says no that still lets the host get on with their day. You only need to explain why you're declining if you originally said yes and then flake at the last minute.

I hate xlas and always answer ill. See how i feel on tje day but prob wont make it everyone fine about it n no dramas you dont know what going on in people's lives so tfy to be patient

@stichguru

The reality is lots of people get poorly around Christmas, kids get ill, family sometimes expects people to fit plans around them etc. The reality is probably that they have things that they will HAVE to do at certain times, and can't move, so they can't make plans until those things are fitted in.

Huh? So you would decline a social invitation at Christmas because there's a theoretical risk you might become ill? That's nuts. If you're actually ill you cancel when it becomes clear you won't be able to manage but no one can predict when they're going to be ill. Who lives like this?

And if your family want you to do things with them they ask like anyone else.

I agree OP: outside of very specific circumstances (such as maybe having a very unwell relative or being heavily pregnant) anyone who does this is basically holding out for a better offer or can't be arsed. No point keeping days free for people like this.

I take "I'll see nearer to the time" as a no. I'm not going to hang around waiting. If I'm still free when someone decides then great. If not, then I'm not.

We've all got things to do. I'm not going to hang around awaiting a decision, not a better offer.

I cannot stand when someone has the nerve to complain if I've made other plans because of their indecision. I'm sorry, I forgot you were the Queen.

Or inviting them again.

I don’t necessarily think it’s due to waiting around for a better offer. Sometimes you just don’t know whether you are going to have the energy to attend all of these things

First comment nailed it for me. Pre kids and health issues I’d have agreed with you op but now I don’t make firm commitments too far in advance until I have to and then only if I have to.

I find it far ruder to regularly cancel on people, which I may have to do if I’m making plans in advance. I have no idea if I’m going to be ill or have a flare so I just don’t make plans. My reasons are known amongst those close to me so they understand.

Christmas is so exhausting.
Young child, older children are home from uni, we have to see gp and I a longterm health condition.
We are invitered for lunch on Boxing Day. I had to say "maybe, I hope I can" and the host was ok with that. If not this was accepted the answer would be no. I can't promise a 100% yes.

I like to play things by ear. It isn't about waiting for a better offer, I just find it quite stressful to plan too many plans.

I’m now stuck holding the day for you, and you’re waiting to see whether you get a better offer.

You’re not. If I were you, I’d plan whatever else I wanted to and if they then get back to you and want to come and you’re still free - great. But if you’ve arranged something else, perfectly fine to say “ oh - thought you’d said it wasn’t a good day and I’m not free now”. It’s rude and inconsiderate of them and so you don’t owe them any consideration in return.

You do not need to hold the time for them.

Did she turn up?

100%

You have no plans with them. Your day is free.

I'm ND so spontaneity is not for me. I'm going to make other plans if someone says they'll see.

If I feel pushed to make such a decision, I’ll always decline even if I thought I may be able to attend nearer to the event. Our life is very complicated and close friends/ family generally are understanding, aquaintances less so.

But then surely you must appreciate that if that’s how you feel, the consequences are yours to deal with, not other people’s - ie. that you should just decline the invitation? You can’t seriously think that other people should put themselves out blocking out a space in their diary on a day of pretty rare AL and cleaning their houses for several hours beforehand and shopping for a meal and starting to prepare it, and that you might just wake up that day and decide you can’t be bothered to go and that that would be ok and not rude in the slightest?

I’m feeling almost more baffled by some of the responses than I was by the original conversations which gave rise to my post.