To completely go against DH beccause I think his opinion is ridiculous

[apecial]

DH has a very strong opinion about one particular hobby, football. He HATES it and the culture around it, in his words.He has a very very strong opinion on it. He has family that are football obsessed and hated it growing up, the drinking and shouting and getting so riled up by the score.

He cannot stand it when he feels like it's someone's whole life, the only topic they talk about, when people go out to the pub and are screaming and shouting or getting angry because of the score and so on.

Basically you get the gist, he fucking HATES football. I'm not into football so it doesn't really come up much in our house although he does know that I think his opinion is too strong / silly.

Our son went to a party recently. He is typically very shy (he's 4) and never usually joins in things however he recently went to a football party (a toddler footy session) and he loved it and hasn't stopped going on about it.

The guy who runs it does a toddler / young kids football session on a Saturday morning, I want to see if DS would like to go but in the past DH has made it clear that he absolutely doesn't want any DC doing football as a hobby, anything else but that.

Wibu to go completely against his opinion because I think it's ridiculous and take DS anyway if he wants to go.

He’s 4?! He doesn’t know there is a football class to join / miss out on 😂

The indication that he’d like to go is surely that he went to a football party, showed great enjoyment and talks about it still.

Oh, I was responding to the OP saying this:
I think H will probably comment on this, the fact DS hasn't actually asked to go. It's just something I think he would like.

The DS would probably like lots of things. This particular thing seems destined to result in conflict.

The way you have framed it:
Wibu to go completely against his opinion because I think it's ridiculous and take DS anyway if he wants to go.
Which indicates going behind your DH’s back to take DS to football lessons when you have also said that DS hasn’t asked to go to football.

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. You have always known your DH’s opinion of football. You married him and had a DS with him knowing he was dead against football. You agreed to this. This will break a level pf trust between you and your DH.

As you have now changed your mind, you at least owe it to your DH to discuss with him the possibility of DS trying football. To go behind his back and take your DS anyway is unreasonable.

On a side note, I do not believe for one second that there isn’t something else your DS would also like, perhaps even like enough to ask to do. It’s not a coincidence you have chosen football for DS to do.

In addition, shyness isn’t something that needs to be fixed. There is nothing wrong with being shy. So the benefit of you taking DS is unnecessary.

Finally, I don’t think you have thought about the negative impact this will cause to your DS relationship with his Dad. Think how your DS will feel when his dad isn’t excited for him foot football, is dismissive of his games, doesn’t want to talk about the sport. This is going to emotionally hurt your DS.

I feel you are using your DS as a pawn. He never asked to do football, you snuck him to a toddler football session and are thinking of signing him up for full blown football lessons when you know it with upset your DH.

I would find something that DS would enjoy just as much that isn’t football.

Yes, exactly, he doesn't know there is anything to miss out on. He enjoyed the party, that's nice. But isn't missing out on anything as he doesn't know it exists.

The OP herself said DS hasn't actually asked to go. It's just something I think he would like - my view is that if in time the DS says 'can I go to xyz' a parent should say yes unless there is good reason - but that is not what is happening.

Let’s pretend you really dislike equestrianism and the idea of people using animals for entertainment. Your daughter is invited to a pony party, loves it and your DH decides to sign her up for horse riding lessons despite knowing your views. Would that be reasonable?

I really hate football for the same reasons despite having no childhood experience of it. However I’d fully support kids playing footy for the team play element and health benefits. I would be hesitant if things developed into a particularly serious mini league with parents becoming unhealthily obsessed and nasty.

I think your DH has had a lot of negative life experiences in his immediate family which has given him a strong aversion... Completely valid and fair enough.

It would be helpful as his wife and your ds's mum to help him take a moderate and reasonable line.

Because even if your ds does join in he might not like it for more than five minutes, or it might just be a mildly interesting way to join in with other kids.

Your DH might need to take a step back and see the fact that he's 4 and he shouldn't panic. But if his life experiences tell him this interest leads to horrible things then that's his starting point and an understandable one at that.

I did ballet as a child, a boy there saw his sister dancing and wanted to join. His mum had to secretly take him to ballet lessons for years as his dad disagreedm he went on to dance for the royal ballet. Sorry it does sound like billy elliot but its actually a true story. His name was adam. I think take him if hes shown an interest or he might try it and hate it but physical excercise is good in whichever form and they do football at school in primary and secondary so how will he get around that??

Absolutely. I've got a boy who loves books and music, the last thing I want is to introduce him to a world of that. I grew up around it, and the behaviour of the fans was always disgusting. Drunk in town, pissing up walls, fights, shouting at women. Louts.

And I know perhaps all fans aren't that way, but watching them in crowds, seeing the behaviour of the players themselves? Nope.

Where did OP say she snuck her DS there? It was a football birthday party which are going to be incredibly popular, especially when he starts school.

Id take him and stuff DH. Hes
has a bad attitude.
Surely if the little chap likes kicking a ball about he might enjoy it.
It's wrong to stop him just because knobbing DH hates it

There are lot of things I hate, but if my kids have an interest in something, I make sure they have the opportunity to pursue THEIR interest.

I agree with this. Football culture and all the weird machismo aggro that can go with it can be fucking traumatic for people who were surrounded by it growing up. Particularly for lads who weren't part of the scene and perhaps treated as less than for it.

Definitely take your son to the activity but I would be more understanding.

Football is a great hobby, a good source of excercise and your child has showed that they enjoy it. He's only little and may not even bother in months to come but if he does decide he loves it, most clubs have designated family stands anyway, you dh has bad experiences with louts in pubs but there's a difference between being drunk and agressive and being passionate about something you enjoy. Let your child make up their own mind as they get older but don't take away the opportunity to try it out.

I think this is quite difficult. I had a fanatical brother (he’s matured a lot since!) and because of that I am not keen. Fans I have no problem with, I like sport and understand the excitement of a match. But I find being around people who are obsessed with it difficult. Obsession seems frighteningly common amoung men in the UK. The number of times I’ve been to an event like a wedding, a kids birthday party, a festival, etc. and there are always men who just will not miss a match. They neglect their social lives and treat others badly in order to fulfill their craving. Then so many let the results rule their emotions. It is shocking. An addiction that tears at their relationships with non-addicts, makes them into bores and leaves everyone around them worse off. I would really hate to have a child grow up with that sort of habit.

So I can see why he would want to ensure his DS doesn’t grow up obsessed with it and I think it’s hard to know how to allow an interest while protecting against that obsession. But your DS is going to have all sorts of opportunities and there’s no way to stop that without being controlling (which, given the way kids are, could well push him into obsession). So trying to find a way to guide him seems imperative.

I would suggest a multi sports session so DS can try football but it's not just about football? Rugby is also an option, tag rugby is a lot of fun for little ones.
But either way DH needs to understand that DS will have friends in the playground at school who will play football and he will want to join in. There's a step between full on football fan and just kicking a ball !

She made it clear her DH didn’t know about the “toddler footy session” at the party.

I think you are being unreasonable overall. I don’t like the dismissiveness and it does come across think that your views are superior and therefore take priority when it comes to your son.

I agree, on the face of it, that your DH is being OTT. I understand why you feel this way and why you think your son might like the football sessions. And indeed he might- I strongly suspect that he may enjoy other “team sports” as that is often the big attraction in children of that age- having fun running about in a semi-organised way with other children. The “semi-organised” part is often great for children who are a bit shy as they don’t have to do all the interaction/joining in by themselves. Football is not the only sport that provides this though.

And, as your child has not yet expressly asked to go to these football sessions, he is not being “denied” anything- you are currently simply not encouraging him to play football by not enrolling him into this group. Plenty of parents do that with all sorts of hobbies and sports- e.g. because they think a sport is “too dangerous”, or carries too much time commitment, or due to costs (not necessarily costs they could never afford, can also be things they would just rather not fund). I’ve also come across parents who have actively discouraged (or outright refused) higher level sport/competition due to commitment and/or costs required. He won’t be the only child in this position and, at this point at least, I don’t think it will be harmful to him.

On the other hand, I think the way you bring up your children is a joint venture and if you start getting to decide that your views are, ultimately, the only ones that really matter when it comes down to it/where there are disagreements (or when you feel he is being ridiculous) you could well be headed for trouble. I’m not saying that he always has to get his way on every front either. But this is something he abhors, so I think you do need to take a bit more heed of that than a run of the mill preference/dislike.

You say that you understand that this is a real issue for him, something he feels very strongly about and that that position comes from a place of very negative experiences in childhood- yet are still quite dismissive of him. Is he allowed to be equally dismissive views you hold strongly? If not, how would you feel if he was? How would you feel and react if he ran roughshod over your expressed wishes and proceeded to get your child involved in something you absolutely hated? Would you be ok with it? I have my doubts.

I know that personally. I would find your attitude and intended actions very hurtful. I think it would come across as totally dismissive of me as your partner and a parent, gives the impression that you viewed our son as primarily yours and I’m mainly involved in decision making only if it suits you for me to be. He might not take it quite that way, but he might take a similar view- where would that leave you if he did? Not great for your parenting or romantic relationship.

I think that unless your son actively expresses a wish to go to football sessions, that you should avoid this. Try to look at other team/organised sports and see if anything sticks. If he does at some point in the future want to do football training, then I think you’d be right to tackle it with your DH- though I do think you would need to be mindful that if he still can’t bear the idea that there might need to be compromise. I doubt your DH will want to be heavily involved, and you can’t really expect him to be given it isn’t indifference/lack of interest you’re dealing with- he has an abhorrence of the sport. Are you willing to do the majority of the leg work on this?

She did? I must’ve missed that.

So the child should miss out on parties because of something his dad doesn’t like? That just isn’t right.

I think some of the culture around football is really unpleasant.. and there is, even in kids' football, a lot of ott behaviour from parents, coaches and kids.

But, having said that, it's a great team sport, it's a lot of fun to play, and rightly or wrongly, a lot of boys bond over their love of football - it's an easy way to make friends at school. So it would be a shame for your DS to miss out even trying it to see if he likes it or not.

No of course not, but joining in on a one off party game isn’t anything like signing up for weekly football lessons behind their other parents’ back who has very strong dislike for football due to the culture of hooliganism, drunkeness and bad childhood experiences.

Why don't you try rugby for your son instead? It's a team sport, the culture is completely different and tag rugby at that age is brilliant fun.

Huh? She didn’t “sneak him to a toddler footy session.” She took her DS to a party where it featured a toddler footy session (very common).

Is the DS supposed to never attend a party featuring football? He will miss out on quite a few parties then once he starts school!

What if he goes to a “normal” party and gets a football themed party bag, does he have to bin it?

Ha! I was your DH. I had to get over it for my child. There are some positives, in the junior team they play for I have met some lovely parents and had some good conversations on the touch line and at training. It’s also taught them team play, strategy and discipline and given them a network of kids in the area and then in secondary school. If you can’t sell it to your DH on these points, I’ve found that the summer camps are very cheap and widely available! Good news if you work and need childcare.

Her DH was kept in the dark. That is sneaky in my opinion.
Stop being a drama llama about missing parties, that’s not what the thread is about and I am sure the DH doesn’t care about the odd party game or activity if he’s told about them.