Is this innocent? How would you feel?

[marshyrun]

So, I'll start this by saying my partner likes to drink. Sometimes excessively at the weekend. When he does, he's like a different person. Snappy, nasty and says some horrible things that he can't recollect the next day.

This Friday just gone, he finished work at lunchtime. Had 4-5 pints at the pub. We had already arranged to go out for tea so I picked the children up (10, 7) and he met us there. Had a few more pints during the meal. We had a minor disagreement about something trivial and he shouted and stormed off, left us all in the restaurant. Me and the kids drove home, he went to another pub.

To cut a long story short, he didn't come home. Stayed in the pub until 10pm and went to his friends house (he says) and carried on drinking. He turned up home at midday the next day, having walked home 7 miles from his friends as the taxi refused to take him.

I was obviously mad that he didn't tell me where he was, or that he didn't come home. I was out all morning taking the children to their hobbies but when I got back he was apologising profusely for speaking to me that way and not coming home. I forgave him but then all weekend since something just didn't feel right. I felt like he wasn't telling me the truth.

I started to ask some questions. I asked who he was at the pub with for 3 hours before going to his friends, he said nobody. Didn't speak to anyone at all, just sat and watched the football. For some reason I just didn't believe him. So last night when he fell asleep, for the first time in our relationship, I checked his phone. Nothing on messages, or calls. I checked deleted messages and there it was. A chain of messages from Friday starting from 8pm - 1am. First one at 8pm is "Hi it's Tina, this is my number xx" "Where have you gone?" he replies "to my friend xxxx house, why don't you come here?" she then asks him to pick her up but he says he's drank too much and to get a cab. She doesn't reply right away so he texts her and says "trying to call you but it's going to voicemail, are you coming or not?" The messages end there.

I confronted him, he says this is just a friend he knew from the pub years and years ago, not seen her for ages and that is innocent, she's got a partner. Not much of a friend because he doesn't know her surname, or how old she is, just casually drank together 12 years ago.

AIBU to think that something else has gone off? How would you all feel if your partner did this and you found these messages? Please go easy on me, feeling pretty vulnerable and heartbroken right now. We bought our dream house together 9 months ago. xx

This won’t happen. He’s playing for time and acting the good guy, thinking he’ll worm his way back in. Or he feels guilty and it sounds like a plan now, but when the dust settles he’ll go back on it. (My exH initially offered to go halves with me on a new mortgage for me and DC in a smaller place but that soon changed once OW got in his ear.)

Just have your back up plan ready OP because apart from anything else, it’s unlikely he’ll be able to get a place of his own if he’s still paying that mortgage.

I totally stand by it. There were two measly lines out of all your posts where you expressed any concerns for your children.

I'm glad you've done the right thing now and hopefully you'll prioritise your children going forward, but I won't apologise for being truthful. All my sympathy is reserved for the children in these situations who get dragged through the mill with no control or ability to protect themselves, relying on adults who won't do it for them.

@marshyrun

I know you can't change the locks on a jointly owned home. But that doesn't mean you can't put a slide bolt on the door(s). And I certainly would!

I know that in the end he can legally enter the house or even move back in if he wants to, but at least you wouldn't be sitting on the sofa or worse, laying in bed and have him walk in on you.

As far as the 12 month thing. Please don't trust him. As others have said, he's playing Mr Nice Guy and playing for time. Once he realizes you aren't begging him back, he may not be so nice anymore. You really need to get your ducks in a row and seek legal advice. And start preparing financially and figuring out a budget as far as what you can afford if you have to leave before that 12 months.

YANBU Your suspicions are justified, but in addition, if he drinks like you describe, is nasty in drink and is prepared to carry on drinking in the presence of his children, you probably need to be away from this man.

This

Walking out and leaving his family in the restaurant alone sounds to me like he didn't want to be there in the first place.
His behaviour is hurtful uncaring selfish and childish.
Dream home or not it's who you are sharing that home with that counts how he treats you and the children .
I know it's hard when in these situations especially with young ones but let him know you won't hesitate to go it alone if he carries on with his shitty behaviour xx

The drinking's a bigger issue than whoever Tina is.

Completely agree. Also talking from experience. If you get on with them ask for support and help from both your and his family. And never look back.

Agree 💯

My aunts husband of 24 years started doing this, he was having an affair and left her just before Christmas. He did something, sorry.

I’m sorry but I think you should leave him asap. Your children deserve better than this. Please try and get some therapy for yourself and find a good specialist family lawyer.

Do you often go for dinner with your kids with your partner after he’s pissed after 4/5 pints? Yeah, that’s disfunctional as fuck for your kids. You are both shit parents for thinking that’s a reasonable situation to put your kids in.

Sorry didn’t RTFT. However, please don’t be with someone like this again and bring them around your kids. Terrible if it’s their dad, but even worse if it’s their mums bloke. Remember your relationships are teaching them about their future relationships.

Sorry, I’ve now read the full thread. You are getting therapy. That’s good. Please, please don’t ever inflict a bad, mediocre or unsuitable partner on your kids again. Stay single. Focus on their needs.

This is not a man who any woman should be with. He has kids and should be ashamed of his drinking, shouting, storming off and abandoning his kids and wife; Does he work ?

I am SO pleased to hear he's gone OP, now you just have to make sure he doesn't come back. So as others have suggested, instead of believing that he'll keep paying the mortgage for a year, get your thinking cap on a.s.a.p. because if you own the home jointly, there's nothing to stop him coming back if he finds it too expensive to live on his own, so you need to be prepared to move yourself and the kids out, if you don't want to subject them to this nightmare any longer. In this situation it's always better to have a back up plan, as someone is bound to say to him, likely when at the pub, 'you own half the house, and yet you're the one to move out, you must be mad mate'. If they say this to him when he's half cut over Christmas, he could well turn up, and make Christmas hell for you and the kids, so do prepare for this possibility OP. I'm not saying it WILL happen, just to be prepared.

Having said all that, I hope that you and the kids have a lovely quiet Christmas, with no worries about having to walk on eggshells the minute 'he's' had a drink or two, which I dare say has been the case for the 3 years you've been with him. Stay strong OP, you know what you need to do.

Gosh, I'm sorry but if you stay get doormat tattooed on your forehead.
How dare he treat you and the kids like that.
Stay strong.

Tbh with any luck Tina will take him off your hands.

Decent men don't down 4-5 pints before tea with their young children. And if he said 4-5 he's lost count and it could be 7. Decent men don't shout at their families and abandon them at dinner. Decent men come home.

I understand why this hurts but maybe in the long run it's good if cheating or potential cheating is your line in the sand because tbh nasty bullying drunk should already be. I dont know who made you think you deserve this behavoiur but you don't. Your DC don't.

Minimally, absolutely minimally its ultimatum time. AA or divorce.

I'd be strongly reconsidering the relationship before you even found the messages, mainly due to your children witnessing his drunken behaviour. But yes sorry the messages are extremely suspect and it also seems guilt is why he had his tail between his legs the next day. There's no way any of it was innocent. You deserve so much better x

You mentioned love bombing…
Often abusers are overtly affectionate or generous between episodes of abuse. This can be for any number off reasons; to ensure victim sticks around or to alleviate their guilt, for example.
The page below explains the cycle of abuse well. It might help you to be able to recognise this same behaviour in future.
Wishing you and your family healing.
I know how hard it can be to realise and accept what’s been happening, and to call an end to abuse. Well done for taking control of your situation.

www.envisioncounsellingcentre.com/innerpage/resources/partner-abuse/cycle-of-abuse/

I'd be done after his behaviour at the restaurant. Especially if this is who he is when drunk

He's unlikely to stand by his word and pay the mortgage for 12 months. They're not his children and he's an abusive drunk dead-beat of a man. He'll want the house sold ASAP, as should you. Start taking control over your own life and start the process of properly separating and don't rely on this idiot any longer, otherwise you'll find yourself in financial trouble alongside everything else. Your children deserve the security of their own home, especially given everything they've been put through so far.

Run ….you must deserve better then this

I don’t know where to start, but it finishes with he’s a liar.

If it was innocent he would have told you - and not deleted messages.

You and DC deserve better.

He’s selfish and unreliable, at worst, abusive. It will only get worse as not how a responsible partner or father behaves. Cut your losses now.

There will be lots on this thread who are the grown up children of alcoholics whose Hearts will really be going out to the children who are only 10 and 7 and who barely get a mention. Do they matter op? Is this just about you chasing after a man who is an addict and a cheat. Did he apologise to the children. Is he seeking help for his addiction. You forgave him so easily. Has this become the norm. None of this is ok and acceptable, the children really do deserve better. How will they feel about both their parents when they get older and realise their childhoods were not the norm.