Is this innocent? How would you feel?

[marshyrun]

So, I'll start this by saying my partner likes to drink. Sometimes excessively at the weekend. When he does, he's like a different person. Snappy, nasty and says some horrible things that he can't recollect the next day.

This Friday just gone, he finished work at lunchtime. Had 4-5 pints at the pub. We had already arranged to go out for tea so I picked the children up (10, 7) and he met us there. Had a few more pints during the meal. We had a minor disagreement about something trivial and he shouted and stormed off, left us all in the restaurant. Me and the kids drove home, he went to another pub.

To cut a long story short, he didn't come home. Stayed in the pub until 10pm and went to his friends house (he says) and carried on drinking. He turned up home at midday the next day, having walked home 7 miles from his friends as the taxi refused to take him.

I was obviously mad that he didn't tell me where he was, or that he didn't come home. I was out all morning taking the children to their hobbies but when I got back he was apologising profusely for speaking to me that way and not coming home. I forgave him but then all weekend since something just didn't feel right. I felt like he wasn't telling me the truth.

I started to ask some questions. I asked who he was at the pub with for 3 hours before going to his friends, he said nobody. Didn't speak to anyone at all, just sat and watched the football. For some reason I just didn't believe him. So last night when he fell asleep, for the first time in our relationship, I checked his phone. Nothing on messages, or calls. I checked deleted messages and there it was. A chain of messages from Friday starting from 8pm - 1am. First one at 8pm is "Hi it's Tina, this is my number xx" "Where have you gone?" he replies "to my friend xxxx house, why don't you come here?" she then asks him to pick her up but he says he's drank too much and to get a cab. She doesn't reply right away so he texts her and says "trying to call you but it's going to voicemail, are you coming or not?" The messages end there.

I confronted him, he says this is just a friend he knew from the pub years and years ago, not seen her for ages and that is innocent, she's got a partner. Not much of a friend because he doesn't know her surname, or how old she is, just casually drank together 12 years ago.

AIBU to think that something else has gone off? How would you all feel if your partner did this and you found these messages? Please go easy on me, feeling pretty vulnerable and heartbroken right now. We bought our dream house together 9 months ago. xx

Your children would probably have felt shamed, devastated, hurt when he shouted at them in public then left. Kids can often normalise the behaviour, but they they absolutely do not deserve this kind of abuse.

Remember that he has done you a favour and has packed his things and gone

If you let him back into your life, the next time he won’t leave and you will end up living in a worse situation

Grab hold of the fact he has gone to sort your life and housing out and move on

God he really is an arsehole isn’t he? Tell lots of people in real life so you don’t get tempted to take this worm back.

You can’t continue to expose yourself or DC to this. The house issue will get resolved.

I also thought Tina was a sex worker who'd seen him a while ago. She can't remember him - one alcoholic cheater is much the same as another - but he can remember her.

Bloody hell, keep this away from your kids OP. Take it from someone who knows, they’ll grow up insecure and expecting things to kick off all the time. Plus, your exH might understandably object and take action to protect them.

Tina sounds like an escort booking from adultwork or similar, but don’t sweat that. You need to hate him to get him behind you, if “Tina” helps with this in terms of what he could be exposing you too, all the better.

Fucking hell. All this hand-wringing and what on earth will I do without him, when your only concern should be the fact that you've subjected your children to this for a big chunk of their childhood. If you'd have been up front about that, instead of mentioning it in passing after umpteen posts, you'd have had very different responses from the off.

If I were your ex husband I'd be seeking sole custody of the children. You don't seem to realise the seriousness of this situation or understand the impact on your children. It's all very "me, me, me".

Hi everyone, just got home from the school run. He’s definitely gone, all his stuff, and I mean all, has gone. He’s said he’s coming back later to discuss finances and that he won’t leave me in the lurch with the mortgage to pay alone.

His parents are so lovely, built a good relationship with them and I spoke to them Saturday morning when he’d not got home and even they said he makes their blood boil. They know what he’s like. I think they felt sorry for me, but at the end of the day he’s their son and they’ll stand by him.

As for Tina, not a sex worker, did some shameful digging (as if the rest wasn’t enough in itself) and she’s on Facebook, got a partner, 2 kids.. but either way, that’s not the point anymore is it really. Damage is done regardless of whatever happened with the mysterious Tina. I’m not going to lower myself to message her or anything like that, there’s nothing she can say that can make anything better or worse right now so I’m going to leave it be.

i 100% know it’s for the best, I’ve no doubt I’m going to feel lonelier than normal this Christmas but the bonus is I won’t / kids won’t be on egg shells and the toxicity with be removed. Happier atmosphere all round.

If the Tina thing has opened your eyes then she’s done you a big favour. I can’t believe you’ve put yourself and your kids through this. Those poor children. This is yet another of those threads in which a woman will put up with the most abominable treatment just so she has a man on her arm. And puts her kids through it too. I truly hope you do as you say you’re going to and leave him, because forcing your kids to live with an abusive alcoholic is tantamount to child abuse in my opinion.

well done OP. You are creating a better future for you and your kids x

Forget about Tina. Forget about trying to control his drinking These things aren’t your concern.

I hope you had an STD check last year

Concentrate on yourself and your dc and if he wants to drink himself into an early grave that is up to him.

You aren’t going to be around when the years of not looking after himself come home to roost.

Most alcoholic are in denial that they have a problem.

They think because they aren’t drinking a cup of Whiskey for breakfast or they have days of sobriety somehow means they are not alcoholics

It’s the fact that they cannot have just 1 or 2 drinks. They cannot stop when they start.
And when they start, real life doesn’t exist outside of the glass/bottle/can in their hand and those surrounding them doing the same thing

Well done. The trash has taken itself out.

I'm sure your children will feel very relieved at the lightened atmosphere.

That comment of his is clearly his way of saying that he was out to cheat and it was obviously OP’s own fault for causing a scene.

In the spirit of Christmas I’d give him the gift he doesn’t just want but the one he needs. A divorce.

@marshyrun

I'm sorry, I know it's not funny but I did a little guffaw at his text saying it was the 'biggest mistake' you've ever made causing a "scene" over this. Yes, right, the 'biggest mistake' you ever made was 'allowing' an alcoholic, lying, probably cheating shit to walk out on you. Sure. Whatever, Dipwad.

As far as the 'dream house', what truly makes a house a 'dream' is the happiness and peace that's within the four walls. If your house was a dream, it was a bad one because of his behaviour.

Any home can be a 'dream home' if you're happy there. So if you can't afford to buy him out of your current home, your next home can be a dream home if you and your DC are happy there.

As far as what to tell them, if you must say something right away tell them "Sometimes grown ups just don't get along the way they should. And when that happens it's best if they don't live together anymore". If either of them have ever 'broken up' with a friend you can add "It's like when you decided not to play with 'X' anymore".

And see a solicitor about the house.

Pleased to see that you've come to your senses, OP. The future will be much brighter for you, and especially your children with this waste of space out of your lives.

I was approaching LTB by the first paragraph in your first post, and that was confirmed before I was half way through the second paragraph.

Absolutely agree. And the amount of women that willingly move these vile creatures into their kids homes and put them through this abuse just to have a man is just terrifying.

Those poor kids having been subjected to this cunt after their parents separation.

He sounds absolutely abysmal.

I think that’s a bit harsh. I’ve said I feel vulnerable and embarrassed for putting up with this for so long, for my sake and the kids.

I do fully understand the seriousness of the situation, my head has obviously been impacted by many many months of gaslighting. I’m not proud of the way I’ve stuck around. I wish I had been stronger last year. I should’ve walked away then. I know that. I’m try to right my wrongs now. I don’t want him back, it might seem like I want a life like this but I really, really don’t. I’ve been a long time lurker on here reading similar friends, trying to build up to courage to get a backbone.

You've made the best decision and we will be here for you when you need 🥰

That weird feeling you will get over Christmas won't be loneliness but your brain coming to terms with knowing that you don't have to worry about a foul mouthed drunk unpredictably storming around screaming at you and the children. You may get a bunch of headaches due to stress relief.

Usually people worry about getting rid of the trash after Christmas, the largest piece of trash in your house just took itself out the week before.

I’ve been in your children’s situation. At first I wanted my Mum to leave because I was scared and hated it. Years later I was encouraging her to beg for forgiveness every weekend when it happened because I got so used to the situation and didn’t know it wasn’t how other people live. As an adult I ended up in a similar relationship that escalated to physical abuse, I just didn’t know any better and put up with it for far too long. Please don’t let him back, you and your innocent children deserve a better life, you will probably realise in a few weeks how little he was contributing anyway and that it is easier without him.

It isn’t harsh OP, it’s the truth. It may be hard to hear, but that doesn’t make it untrue.

The facts are your young children have been subjected to this arsehole when they didn’t have to be. They have been living in a toxic, abusive household when they didn’t have to be. He is not their father, you shouldn’t have had him anywhere near your kids.

How long have you been split from your kids father if you’ve been with this waster for 3 years? Were you single and focused on your children for an extended period of time?

I hope you’ll learn from this, because whether you chose to believe it or not your children have been damaged by being subjected to this, and you should never have put this man before them.

Stay single, focus on your kids and try to make a safe and happy home for them. They don’t deserve anything less.

Weird priorities people have, husband is an alcoholic and abusive man yet OP is worried he might have had shagged Tina from the pub, she's the least of your problems OP.

Well done OP. I hope you and your children have a lovely, peaceful, christmas. If he becomes abusive, block him, ring the police if need be.

Thanks everyone for the helpful advice, whether it be the blunt / harsh words that I’ve needed or just moral support. I was nervous about posting but I’m glad I did. I feel better for it. I will keep you all in the loop.

Heavy drinker = repulsive dipsomaniac.

Stop wasting your life in the company of a thoroughly unpleasant hooch hound of a man who does not love or respect you.

I bet he stinks and if he carries on he will get any manner of booze related health problems which may end up with you being his cater.

Throw this sozzled old lush back into the pond.