Is this innocent? How would you feel?

[marshyrun]

So, I'll start this by saying my partner likes to drink. Sometimes excessively at the weekend. When he does, he's like a different person. Snappy, nasty and says some horrible things that he can't recollect the next day.

This Friday just gone, he finished work at lunchtime. Had 4-5 pints at the pub. We had already arranged to go out for tea so I picked the children up (10, 7) and he met us there. Had a few more pints during the meal. We had a minor disagreement about something trivial and he shouted and stormed off, left us all in the restaurant. Me and the kids drove home, he went to another pub.

To cut a long story short, he didn't come home. Stayed in the pub until 10pm and went to his friends house (he says) and carried on drinking. He turned up home at midday the next day, having walked home 7 miles from his friends as the taxi refused to take him.

I was obviously mad that he didn't tell me where he was, or that he didn't come home. I was out all morning taking the children to their hobbies but when I got back he was apologising profusely for speaking to me that way and not coming home. I forgave him but then all weekend since something just didn't feel right. I felt like he wasn't telling me the truth.

I started to ask some questions. I asked who he was at the pub with for 3 hours before going to his friends, he said nobody. Didn't speak to anyone at all, just sat and watched the football. For some reason I just didn't believe him. So last night when he fell asleep, for the first time in our relationship, I checked his phone. Nothing on messages, or calls. I checked deleted messages and there it was. A chain of messages from Friday starting from 8pm - 1am. First one at 8pm is "Hi it's Tina, this is my number xx" "Where have you gone?" he replies "to my friend xxxx house, why don't you come here?" she then asks him to pick her up but he says he's drank too much and to get a cab. She doesn't reply right away so he texts her and says "trying to call you but it's going to voicemail, are you coming or not?" The messages end there.

I confronted him, he says this is just a friend he knew from the pub years and years ago, not seen her for ages and that is innocent, she's got a partner. Not much of a friend because he doesn't know her surname, or how old she is, just casually drank together 12 years ago.

AIBU to think that something else has gone off? How would you all feel if your partner did this and you found these messages? Please go easy on me, feeling pretty vulnerable and heartbroken right now. We bought our dream house together 9 months ago. xx

Never mind about Tina; he's treating you and your kids like shit. Is he an alcoholic? He sounds fucking awful.

I wonder what football he was watching? That alone suspicious because being a football saddo I know there was only a championship match on in England and Scotland On Friday. Unusual for a Friday. I doubt many pubs were showing Derby v Portsmouth or Livingston v Partick unless you happen to be in any of those towns.

I know that’s only a minor point - and all If his other behaviour that night was either horrible or suss. But I’d love to see his face when you ask him the score of the match.

Anyway, my point stands. He’s a nasty drunk, he’s abusive, and he’s a liar.

Protect your children and get out of this relationship. Tina is the least of your issues

Well, I have no opinion on whether or not the Tina situation is suspicious - I think it could go either way based on the messages alone. But frankly, a man who drinks this much, leaves his family mid meal after an argument, doesn't come home all night and only turns up at 12:00 the following day is not a man I'd like or trust so it certainly does make the Tina situation seem a lot worse.

Either way, it's almost not relevant - he's not a good husband and father if this sort of thing is happening regularly.

Playing devils advocate on Tina (as I think his behaviour alone is worthy of dumping his ass!) you said there were no calls but he obviously called her to send the message about it going to voicemail, so why has he deleted messages and calls to this one person, it stinks of deceit. You could then presume she called him back and they arranged for her to go to where he was or he to her and that’s why he arrives home the next day….

Regardless, he is not worthy of you

Tina is not your problem - your alcoholic arsehole husband is. Tell him if he want to continue drinking he can go and live elsewhere. If your daughter or best friend told you this story what would you say? I’m astonished that you’ve even considered Tina the main issue here

He sounds awful,if he were u faithful that’s the least of your worries.he needs to sort his drinking habits…

The only reason “Nothing happened” was because Tina didn’t bother showing up to his friends house.

He 100% tried it on and failed. Tina probably knew herself he wasn’t worth the cab fair. Get rid. You and your children deserve so much more than an aggressive drunk who deletes innocent messages to random women friends to hide them from you for whatever mysterious reason that could be.

Flip the conversation- DH, we're finished. See if he can miraculously call Tina on the spot and hand then phone to you.

First post nails it

Tinas irrelevant in the grand scheme. He’s an alcoholic who treats you appallingly. If you have no respect for yourself then have some for your children. Their father gets drunk, verbally abuses their mother, storms off from a family evening out and doesn’t come home for the next 24hrs. But you forgave him

Second/third ig this take.

Ask your husband how he can so easily forgive himself for such behaviour in front of his own children.

Indeed, in your situation I wouldn't care less about Tina but the fact my husband is drinking five pints on a Friday afternoon, then joining me and my children and drinking several more pints. That's an insane amount to drink, especially when for a meal with his children. If I knew my DH had had several pints I simply wouldn't want him to join us for dinner.
Then he shouts at you and storms out. All I can think about here is how horrible it is for these children to have dinner with a drunk, angry and aggressive father. This should be your main concern. Doesn't sound like it's an unusual occurrence. Your poor kids. Who gives a ££ck about Tina?

First response nails it. Come on OP, raise the bar! Whatever has happened to you in your life to make you believe that this is acceptable, I’m truly sorry. I know it’s hard. But even if you don’t think you are worth more, surely you believe that your children are? Time to put them first. Don’t let them think this is what love looks like, that’s not fair on them, then they won’t be able to find it themselves.

Oh I am not on board with the drinking at all, I hate it. I've tried to get him to change, told him he's drinks too much and he needs to get help. He promises to, is fine for a few weeks then goes out and drinks himself into oblivion again. He thinks it's not much of an issue because he doesn't do it daily, gets mad because he says I'm implying he's an alcoholic. I do think after reading online that there is some sort of trauma bond that I've got with him. Half of me just wants to chuck him out when he's like that, the other half thinks what am I going to do without him. He stayed at his mums last night after I confronted him, he's gone back home today whilst I've been at work and packed the rest of his things. Sent me a text saying it's the biggest mistake I've ever made causing a "scene" over this. No idea what I'll say to the kids when we get home and all his stuff has gone.

First response nails it. Come on OP, raise the bar! Whatever has happened to you in your life to make you believe that this is acceptable, I’m truly sorry. I know it’s hard. But even if you don’t think you are worth more, surely you believe that your children are? Time to put them first. Don’t let them think this is what love looks like, that’s not fair on them, then they won’t be able to find it themselves.

Oh I need the blunt words. I've been a doormat and a pushover, I'm now realising this. I feel so embarrassed.

LTB.
I wouldn't be with anyone who had that kind of excessive attitude to drinking.

Sent me a text saying it's the biggest mistake I've ever made causing a "scene" over this

The arrogance!

No ...its the best thing you've done in a long long time

Kick him out for good

Wanker 🙄

He can’t take responsibility for his own scene because he can’t admit he is, indeed, an alcoholic. He’s trying to put it on you. Don’t let him. Tell the kids that daddy is very sorry he was so angry on Friday and he has to take some time away to get help.

Then don’t let him back in until he takes genuine responsibility for his addiction and aggression. You can’t protect your kids from this with him living there and behaving that way. Please protect those poor babies from this unstable figure. I promise you’ll be okay just you and them.

Sent me a text saying it's the biggest mistake I've ever made causing a "scene" over this. No idea what I'll say to the kids when we get home and all his stuff has gone.

Sounds like a win to me!

Hes completely gaslighting you and I don’t use that term loosely. So he acts like an arsehole not helped by his obvious alcohol addiction (research functioning alcoholics) but you’re the one who made a mistake because you called out “some” and IMO the wrong behaviour. You literally posted that you forgave his behaviour. Why would br give up drinking when you so easily forgive and forget. He’s like a child with no consequences for bad behaviour.

Well rid

I wouldn't even bother to question him about the texts and the woman.

I would either kick him out with immediate effect, or quietly make plans to leave him in the near future once I had some stability financially if that's not something you can do straight away.

Somebody who drinks to that extent and treats their family that way is inherently selfish and they may make empty apologies at the time, but fundamentally they will never change.

You are better off out of it. Single parenting is fsr easier than dealing with that crap or spending your days worrying about the state he will be in when you go out/ when he gets home.

Your children are better off without it too - the older they get the more aware they will be of his behaviour and it will affect them too.

When dh tried to push me down the stairs whilst police broke in one officer told me to get rid of him and that he was an animal. His words stuck tbh. That best described him. His actions weren't ones a human being should have around their family.. Probably animals hold their offspring in much higher regard than he ever ever did... I remember asking him earnestly how he saw his relationship with our dc being in the future... He said he would be taking ds 1 for his first pint.... Ds is 32 and last saw exh at aged 7...
Ds still has therapy for anger issues after what he saw as a dc.. Exh got nc with ds 1...judge's words ds had seen more than enough...

You have no reason to be embarrassed.
Not a single one.

You have several reasons to be fucking apoplectic with rage.

Don't get caught in a sunk cost fallacy or believe the empty promises

All you need to think about are his actions over your relationship.

Do they show love?
Does he treat you how you'd think someone could treat a person they claim to love?

Or do his actions show his words are meaningless?

Could you treat some one you love how he treats you? ...

Crikey. You really need to give your priorities a shuffle here.

This man had 4-5 pints at lunchtime, despite knowing he had plans for a family dinner. Continued to drink through the meal with his children and then was rude and aggressive.

This same prince then saw fit not to return home that night so he could stay out drinking with friends, was refused entry to a taxi the next day presumably because still intoxicated and you're worried about there potentially being another woman?

I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour from a partner. He sounds like an overgrown man child with a drink problem and that would be a huge turn off for me, not least because of the appalling example he's setting for his children.

You say to the kids, dad wasn't nice to us all on Saturday and has gone to grandmas for a bit because he won't accept he was wrong. The kids are old enough to understand you can't treat people badly and expect to not have consequences. The timing isn't great but remember this isn't on you this is on him.