Is this innocent? How would you feel?

[marshyrun]

So, I'll start this by saying my partner likes to drink. Sometimes excessively at the weekend. When he does, he's like a different person. Snappy, nasty and says some horrible things that he can't recollect the next day.

This Friday just gone, he finished work at lunchtime. Had 4-5 pints at the pub. We had already arranged to go out for tea so I picked the children up (10, 7) and he met us there. Had a few more pints during the meal. We had a minor disagreement about something trivial and he shouted and stormed off, left us all in the restaurant. Me and the kids drove home, he went to another pub.

To cut a long story short, he didn't come home. Stayed in the pub until 10pm and went to his friends house (he says) and carried on drinking. He turned up home at midday the next day, having walked home 7 miles from his friends as the taxi refused to take him.

I was obviously mad that he didn't tell me where he was, or that he didn't come home. I was out all morning taking the children to their hobbies but when I got back he was apologising profusely for speaking to me that way and not coming home. I forgave him but then all weekend since something just didn't feel right. I felt like he wasn't telling me the truth.

I started to ask some questions. I asked who he was at the pub with for 3 hours before going to his friends, he said nobody. Didn't speak to anyone at all, just sat and watched the football. For some reason I just didn't believe him. So last night when he fell asleep, for the first time in our relationship, I checked his phone. Nothing on messages, or calls. I checked deleted messages and there it was. A chain of messages from Friday starting from 8pm - 1am. First one at 8pm is "Hi it's Tina, this is my number xx" "Where have you gone?" he replies "to my friend xxxx house, why don't you come here?" she then asks him to pick her up but he says he's drank too much and to get a cab. She doesn't reply right away so he texts her and says "trying to call you but it's going to voicemail, are you coming or not?" The messages end there.

I confronted him, he says this is just a friend he knew from the pub years and years ago, not seen her for ages and that is innocent, she's got a partner. Not much of a friend because he doesn't know her surname, or how old she is, just casually drank together 12 years ago.

AIBU to think that something else has gone off? How would you all feel if your partner did this and you found these messages? Please go easy on me, feeling pretty vulnerable and heartbroken right now. We bought our dream house together 9 months ago. xx

Thank you, I’ve already blocked him after the “biggest mistake” message he sent earlier and told him to go through my brother to arrange any finance related stuff. I’ve got my mum and dad too, they are the best so I know we will have the lovely Christmas together x

Gosh everyone's sticking the boot in today.
It's over and done have a good cry op and focus on yourself new year new start and all that. Also return his presents he gets nothing from you

Sending you a big hug and you sound lovely. I was with a very similar man and can completely relate to the binge drinking and then the nice bit when he didn't drink, except he wouldn't admit to being wrong, he wasn't an alcoholic, he wasn't "that" sort of man. And, you know I didn't think he was either, I let him get away with so much. The text he sent you really resonates with me, I got so much of that and it made me feel awful. But this problem isn't you, it's him and he's gaslighting you. I left in the end, it's me and my kids now and we are so much calmer, no more waiting for him to have a drink and see what sort of mood that brings. I read a book called codependent no more and lots about trauma bonding and it really helped me get through those first months without him. Good luck x

People like your DP really do have it all sussed out in their head what they want you to think happened as opposed what actually happened and there's no moving from that.

Hopefully now he's taken all his belongings you'll have the strength to ignore any please for a reconciliation.

You say the house is in joint names and as this is something of his own doing hopefully he'll let you and your DC continue to live there and not want to move back in.

Could you manage the mortgage on your own?

Would he be happy to pay half the cost while housing another man's DC?

It is very unlikely that he will stay away. He’s waiting for her to apologise and beg for him to come back, like she has previously. When/if she doesn’t, he’ll be back.

It’s all well and good being strong right now, but will it last? When he’s crying and begging and promising to change? They’ve been together 3 years and have a house together - do you really think it’s all just ended that easily, for good?

It’s a toxic relationship. They are notorious for being on again, off again. The OP needs to hear what people are saying, whether it seems harsh or not because it’s the truth. If “sticking the boot in” makes the OP wake up to how damaging this is, I’m all for it.

I hope you keep the strength to keep him blocked.

Remember:
Everyday you allow him near your kids, is a day you're allowing harm to come to them.

Keep them and him as far apart as you possibly possibly can. I would hope they are far more important to you than any man now or ever.
❤️

Thank you, I will definitely take a look at that book. It’s my own fault that I’m at where I’m at now, I know that, but like you said, sometimes you have the blinkers on and remember the good times rather than the bad. I’m definitely guilty of that. It was a constant of waiting for the next big outburst / drinking session, wondering what version of him I’d get x

Yes it’s in joint names, I could afford the monthly payments on my own (although it wouldn’t have much left) but wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage to buy him out based on
salary alone. He’s said he’s willing to pay half the mortgage for 12 months then we should look to sell.

Your husband is an alcoholic and you put in your first post that he used to say very nasty things that he can’t recollect the next day. That is pure bullshit, he pretends he can’t recall it because had he told you the truth, you would realise you need to leave with the Dc.
He doesnt want that because you look after him, feed him etc, his big passion isn’t you, it’s Alcohol!
Tina is just a by product of his alcoholism, you can’t trust anything he promises or says because the only promises he keeps is with alcohol. Staying with him will make for a very chaotic life, it’s no life for you and your children.

I am listening to everyone, whether it’s sticking the boot in or just sympathy. I appreciate all of it. I promise. Im taking it on board. We’ve not really been on and off tbh, that’s probably because I’ve just let him get away with too much and not kicked him out, nor has he left before because I’ve been too soft. It does feel different this time. For starters, I’ve told my family everything, before I’d keep things from them (probably ashamed and scared to do so). So it feels like a weight has been lifted in that regard.

I’m so glad you’ve told your family because like people have said he will be on bended knees asking for forgiveness and saying he will change but he won’t! Living with someone ensures he is fed and his needs catered for that’s all. It’s best you think of him as wed to alcohol because nothing or nobody will come between them.

My stepdad was an alcoholic and not only was my upbringing chaotic, it destroyed my mum and my childhood. Please don’t do this to yourself and your darling children x

If he drinks and behaves that way regularly I would think he has an alcohol problem. The fact your children knew exactly what was going on is poor behaviour on his part. Likely he stayed at Tina’s. I’d be telling him to stay else where while you think it through.

He has a serious alcohol problem. If he isn't prepared to address that, then you're on the way to a load of misery and grief (or should I say, Even more misery and grief). He has to make the decision, you can't make it for him. And if he does decide to stop drinking - and it can't be cutting down - at this level of drinking and out of control behaviour, he has to stop - then it's up to you if you want to stay and support him, or if you decide to leave. You could try talking to al-anon for some advice.

That’s brilliant OP, lean on them for support.

Please don’t take him back when he comes crawling, which he will.

First post nails it. Just like he nailed Tina.

There is so much wrong with his behaviour even before he left you in the restaurant. What loser drinks five pints before a family meal with young children and then needs even more. You and your children deserve so much better.

OP I hope you have a good Christmas with your children and family around you.

In the new year I suggests that you come up with a plan for paying the mortgage yourself / buying him out. I know he says he will wait 12 months but once he rents a place on his own / starts dating again he will soon change his mind. So you need to be ahead of him, you don’t want to be forced to do this at short notice.

Could you take in a lodger to help pay a bigger mortage ? Go for a promotion at work? Do you have a family member who could lend you money ? Could you increase your working hours on the days that your children are at their dads ?

If you can’t increase your income and need to sell up, start thinking about that soon so you have time to research and plan . Otherwise one day you will get a letter from his solicitor and you will panic .

I echo this advice.

He's saying now he'll pay his half for a year, but as you have just seen, his word means bugger all.

Don't rely on him - you need to come up with a plan.

this!

Let Tina have him - sounds like a good deal to me x

Bloody hell! So by the end of the night your DP had drunk what sounds like around 10 pints!

Tina would be very welcome to him if this was my partner!

I am willing to bet Tina does not get his nasty side!

Don't berate yourself for not being stronger last year.

Had it not reached this point you'd probably have been more vulnerable to taking him back.

And then you'd have felt you couldn't upend the kids again then been more trapped.

All that matters is this is the right time for you now. Good luck

Absolutely. One of my strongest memories of childhood which I remember so clearly - and I'm 50 now - is of my father doing similar to me and my siblings. Don't have this be the entire story of your children's childhood, a drunken belligerent father, conflict, public humiliation. My parents stayed together and their continued toxicity has been the drumbeat of my life. I'm not remotely one for dwelling on the past or blaming people but there is no doubt it has had an impact on me and on my ability to do relationships well myself.

I read it and thought you had put up with him because he was the father of your kids. Can't believe you made them live with him for 3 years . He sounds awful .
I agree with the other person who said you seem very me me me ..really you should worry about the longterm implications this has all had on your children