Is this innocent? How would you feel?

[marshyrun]

So, I'll start this by saying my partner likes to drink. Sometimes excessively at the weekend. When he does, he's like a different person. Snappy, nasty and says some horrible things that he can't recollect the next day.

This Friday just gone, he finished work at lunchtime. Had 4-5 pints at the pub. We had already arranged to go out for tea so I picked the children up (10, 7) and he met us there. Had a few more pints during the meal. We had a minor disagreement about something trivial and he shouted and stormed off, left us all in the restaurant. Me and the kids drove home, he went to another pub.

To cut a long story short, he didn't come home. Stayed in the pub until 10pm and went to his friends house (he says) and carried on drinking. He turned up home at midday the next day, having walked home 7 miles from his friends as the taxi refused to take him.

I was obviously mad that he didn't tell me where he was, or that he didn't come home. I was out all morning taking the children to their hobbies but when I got back he was apologising profusely for speaking to me that way and not coming home. I forgave him but then all weekend since something just didn't feel right. I felt like he wasn't telling me the truth.

I started to ask some questions. I asked who he was at the pub with for 3 hours before going to his friends, he said nobody. Didn't speak to anyone at all, just sat and watched the football. For some reason I just didn't believe him. So last night when he fell asleep, for the first time in our relationship, I checked his phone. Nothing on messages, or calls. I checked deleted messages and there it was. A chain of messages from Friday starting from 8pm - 1am. First one at 8pm is "Hi it's Tina, this is my number xx" "Where have you gone?" he replies "to my friend xxxx house, why don't you come here?" she then asks him to pick her up but he says he's drank too much and to get a cab. She doesn't reply right away so he texts her and says "trying to call you but it's going to voicemail, are you coming or not?" The messages end there.

I confronted him, he says this is just a friend he knew from the pub years and years ago, not seen her for ages and that is innocent, she's got a partner. Not much of a friend because he doesn't know her surname, or how old she is, just casually drank together 12 years ago.

AIBU to think that something else has gone off? How would you all feel if your partner did this and you found these messages? Please go easy on me, feeling pretty vulnerable and heartbroken right now. We bought our dream house together 9 months ago. xx

Sent me a text saying it's the biggest mistake I've ever made causing a "scene" over this
Blaming you? Classic manipulation.

Good riddance OP. My advice, try and find your anger. You didn’t cause his drinking and you can’t control it. Only he can decide to change it. See this as a legitimate reason to walk away from him. Your kids will thank you for it.

This.
Don't be trapped by the house - it isn't worth it.

I just assumed Tina was a hooker. Who else would go out of the way to shag a drunk, married alco who's almost a stranger to them? There'd have to be money changing hands.

It's always interesting when a man is highly abusive yet the tipping point for his partner is the fact he's cosied up to another woman. I can't understand why they find this surprising, given he's a disgrace in every other way. You tolerated him behaving like that in public, in front of your children. Why would you do that? And then you forgave him, even though he's done the same thing before - why would you do that? Do you think if you forgive him he'll never misbehave again?

Also, I don’t mean to sound harsh but it’s hardly a ‘dream house’ if what’s going on in it is this dysfunctional. I hope you find the strength you need to do the best for your DC because this stuff is damaging beyond belief (I speak from my own childhood experience).

Frankly my Christmas wish would be that Tina took him off my hands. 💐

Your husband has a clear alcohol problem. He didn’t care that he was drunk before a meal out with your kids, then he let the kids see him in a state and storm off.

That’s enough. Game over.

The arrogant bastard!!! Don't let him come back.

Just be honest and tell the kids that he's gone, and mean it. I am pretty sure they will be relieved to see the back of the waste of space.

I'd be a bit concerned Tina is an escort. He didn't have her number, she had to introduce herself and was willing to meet a pissed bloke. It was rather quick to arrange a hook with a friend and that would then be a friend who he knows well enough to meet within an hour of walking out of a family meal but not well enough to have her number.

I'd be having a look at his banking next.

Something in this whole thing doesn't add up.

He sounds like a lying cheat....a night in a hotel because he got lost instead of getting a taxi home? Make up all over his short and then this random woman who he apparently doesn't know that well/doesn't know the last name of but was giving his number to and inviting over to his friends ?! Who he then stays out for the night at.
And to top it off, deleted the chain of messages of this long lost friend.
He's vile! Just kick the fucker out x

Me to didn't read it all but my thoughts as well dump.

It can't be undone.

You can't totally prevent bad things happening in your life.

But you can learn from them to ensure your children are even more resilient and streetwise than if nothing bad had ever happened.

If the OP handles this well the children will learn that this was unacceptable behaviour and that their mum has put them first once she saw the reality.

Better now than never, like for some poor children.

So, I'll start this by saying my partner likes to drink. Sometimes excessively at the weekend.

That’s enough for a LTB from me. You need to put the children first because he won’t and no matter what you do or don’t do, it won’t get any better in the future. His behaviour when drunk is already causing them harm but you perhaps haven’t realised this yet. (Saying this as a child of an alcoholic parent who was never violent).

Also, Him chatting up other women isn’t really relevant and is just the icing on the cake, so don’t focus your energies on this. It’s the regular drinking you need to be pissed off about.

edited: Just read your update that he’s gone to his mum’s. Good riddance!
Seriously, start making plans to separate and get a divorce if you’re married. Also, get yourself some therapy to work out why you’re a co-dependant.

Good news that he has moved out. You can look forward to a Christmas that isn't dominated by his drinking and selfishness. Then in the new year get the legalities of the house sorted out.

What kind of arrogant twat uses language like ' biggest mistake you ever made', and surely he's projecting

It must be fucking amazing house if you are prepared to inflict this drunken tosspot on your family to live in it.

Agreed. The children can’t un-experience what’s happened, BUT they can have it demonstrated that that behaviour was utterly unacceptable and that thier mum was brave enough to shut it down, get rid of the guy, and move on with head held high.

I have a dear friend who fled domestic violence. What her kids saw was horrendous. Her eldest has just graduated from uni, having worked her way through to pay her bills, and is a wonderful, compassionate and brave young person.

Mum’s putting their kids first is incredibly healing and powerful.

I agree, and thought so for the same reasons. I searched the thread for "prostitute" etc and was surprised to see nobody had said it.
Regardless of whether you use the word escort / hooker / call-girl, I can see no reason why Tina would go out of her way to see this fine prince except that money was changing hands.

I would hate this so much. My dad was a bad drinker and it's meant I would never accept this in a partner.

Is this something he will tackle or refuse to accept its an issue?

Jesus....The only reason you should be thinking about Tina is to take this vile man off your hands.

I have lived this life. Can I just say you are better than this.

Yes, a PP got there just before me.

Have you tried Googling Tina's phone number?
It won't be conclusive (as she may keep her number private initially) but you may well find her on Escort sites.
Like the PP said, there is no other way any sane woman would entertain this shit show were it not for the fact they have arranged a booking..

.. and if he did show up there, pretty sure he would have been out on his arse.

Honestly OP, do what Tina probably did.. Dump him!

Best of luck op x

Before I got to the bit about ‘what he may or not got up too’ I thought “why they hell are you with this man and why are you letting him do this in-front of your dc?” There’s no way I would put up with this near my dc. He drinks most weekends, is drunk in front of the dc, spending more weekends in the pub and vanishing over night? What he got up too that night would be the least of my worries.

You don't have a Tina problem, the problem is a husband or partner who can't or doesn't want to control his drinking. It sounds like drinking is his focus rather than you or his children. My partner drinks excessively and won't stop. He has made that choice but we don't have children and that's the important thing in your case. Children should not have to sit in a restaurant and then watch their dad get angry and storm off. I think it would be the drinking I would try to discuss with him but I don't envy you. Those conversations are awful. My somewhat limited experience is that people who drink a lot normalise it so you feel the fool for bringing it up. Or rather they make you feel the fool. Good luck OP.