Have I completely messed up my child? I feel sick about it

[Uswr10]

Ds was an accidental pregnancy but I was 34 at the time and couldn’t bear not having him. I have always wanted children. Unfortunately my partner left me when I was six months, he didn’t actually see ds until ds was a 1 (a few days before his birthday). Ds is 2.5 and ex has been part of his life consistently since then but doesn’t have him overnight as he is a fair distance away. Ds recognises him and credit where it is due, despite what he put me through ex is actually a good dad and they have a great bond and ex is very keen ds has all he needs etc.

but here’s the thing… I thought I had really done my best to cope with what was an awful situation. Being left in pregnancy was the most awful feeling and i didn’t feel bonded with ds really in pregnancy. I feel sad I can’t imagine what it’s like to have full excitement rather than heartbreak and I now wonder if I love ds as I should?

I am in tears writing this. I have always done everything for him, I took a year off and have to date done every bedtime, every dinner, I worked hard to have a routine and tried to make things happy for him. I know I have managed well in a practical sense and have provided ds with all he needs and he is healthy and strong.

but… in doing this I think I became quite strict. I was on the dot with bedtime (still am) as I had no other way of coping alone, I needed ds to sleep and I was strict, not once has he been to be later than 7:30 for example, not even as a one off. I’ve had to be strict with him when going shopping etc as when you’re always alone and have bags or finding car keys and there’s traffic I need him to listen to me. This has resulted in 9 times out of 10 him doing exactly as I ask, if I say stop when walking he usually does so immediately for example.

a couple of weeks ago we visited my brother and his son who is a year older than ds. It struck me how quiet ds was, he was concentrating on playing and not running round manically (though he started to as he settled in to the environment). He goes to nursery and staff say he is usually a delight and they have no issues.

is my child just naturally easy going or have I trampled on his spirit? Have I been too strict? Have I made him like this? My nephew also doesn’t really sleep but ds will usually sleep through and rarely resists when I say goodnight. I worry how I have handled parenting ds has been all wrong and he is calm and serious because of me and he doesn’t feel he can be a child? I feel sick with worry that I have got this all wrong.

Now that he’s older, talk to him more about what he wants and not be such a dictator. For example, ask him what snack food or fruits he wants when at the grocery store. Ask him what movie he wants to watch and when. Go outside and play with him and let him decide what to do, take him to the zoo and talk with him about what he’s seeing and ask his opinions. He may end up being mature for his age, but he should still be happy.

You’ve done the opposite. It sounds like he is a lovely boy with good boundaries and a great schedule. Well done you.

Kids LOVE routine! It makes them feel safe. You've nailed it. You can ease up now on certain things if you feel is appropriate on. But think what you've done was the right thing for you both and he'll be stronger for it.

I was quite strict when mine were babies and toddlers and now at 5yrs and 9yrs they trust me and I trust them and I can be more relaxed.

Hi Uswr10. Please don’t give yourself a hard time. As long as you aren’t battering seven bells out of your bairn and are present, loving and nurturing you are doing a whatever it is you need to do to manage on your own. When it’s your first child I think you try so hard to get it right, I often wish I hadn’t been so strict with my oldest child but actually he is very settled content and happy, as a young man now he is very loving and affectionate. He doesn’t remember me ever raising my voice at him when he was little, although I definitely did at times, and no one ever gets parenting right every time. Ease off a little for some things if you want to, choose the issues that are most important. I didn’t let up for any safety, teeth and manners, but after the first three years realised that I could relax a little bit and no harm came from it. Big hug for you, give yourself a break.

In parenting especially as a single parent as long as you do your best and there is no neglect don’t beat yourself up. I read the books but couldn’t get my child to sleep afternoons or evenings so gave up. Your style isn’t mine (don’t have a routine myself), but you do what you can and as a lone parent I may have made the same choices.

your ds is an only child as is mine they get use to playing on their own and in their imaginative world. And a 3yo vs a 2 yo is like a 15yo to a 10 yo. There may be developmental issues but it won’t be a result of your parenting. If you are concerned speak to gp?

Your little boy sounds a delight and his nursery thinks so too. Now you have noticed that you could relax more, you can make occasional exceptions to the strict rules. But a consistent bedtime is a good thing and so is safety when shopping. You're doing well. Have less strict criticism for yourself maybe?

I think it sounds like you've done a great job. We were stricter when the kids were young and, I think, because of this they were a comparitive breeze later....although we always talked to them like little people (not should be seen and not heard type) so consequently as adults they're very open.
Stop beating yourself up 👍.

I’m reassured reading these replies because my 3yos are quite similar, and the difference to other children their age is striking. My biggest frustration is that they are sometimes overly clingy with me and won’t just start playing in a new environment, for example, but will stay close to me for a long time. But I find it positive that they listen - so many children this age are out of control and the constant complaint from parents is they don’t listen and it’s hard to keep them safe.

For context, mine are twins and I also separated from their dad during pregnancy, and I do think that while it’s partly personality, it’s partly how I’ve had to parent them as a single mum (I also have an older child).

I think you’ve done brilliantly with him. None of what you did is wrong (unless you terrorised him with shouting, humiliating, punishments or hitting to get him to do it).

Bringing him up with routine will have made both your lives manageable and calm. The fact your ds has been getting enough sleep will have given him dvantages too for his mind and growth.

It depends on your approach. If you have been 'strict' by being stern and instilling fear into him then of course that is not OK. If a child doesn't behave like a child because they are scared of their parents then that isn't OK either: that's abuse. Obviously I'm not suggesting that's the case at all; just giving examples! I think the fact that you have recognised this and reflected on this is really good. It's never too late to change our approach :)

That's how I've brought my dc up and they are older teens now and their spirit is far from trampled.

I'm a teacher in a school where if you say 'Jack' then Jack will listen. Not because he is worried about being in trouble but because he assumes that what an adult is going to say to him is valuable, useful, helpful or praise. Something like that. That's how they are used to being spoken to. They aren't constantly getting told off.

Oh op it’s hard on your own I was the same as you how else can you cope with work and single mum if you don’t have a good routine. My DD has adhd and it did t affect t her I think your child is quiet by nature. You are over thinking things your are a fabulous mum

It's really tough being mum and dad at the same time, even though the dad does play a part. If you don't have routine and discipline, life would be tough for you. No one else knows how hard it is to be a single parent until they have been in that position. Don't beat yourself up about it, tou are providing a stable safe environment for your child and you will both reap the benefits when your child is older. Keep doing what your and hold your head high, it's a tough position to be in.💐

I think it's not worth beating yourself up about this. All children are so different. There is absolutely no way to know how each, individual child might have turned out if they were raised differently. I think your parenting style, your relationship with your son and your son's behaviour sounds healthy and normal. Equally, I can say the same for your nephew. I feel guilt about almost every decision I make as a mother.

For what it's worth, my first child was incredibly obedient in the way you describe. I also wondered whether I was too strict when I saw the behaviour of other children and the parenting of other adults. I never really had to discipline him. He was so easy to parent. I smugly thought I had cracked it, until my second child came along and didn't just obediently do as he was asked. My oldest (the angelic, obedient child) is now seventeen and I now have absolutely no worries about him being too obedient 😂

My firstborn is like your son...laid back, always plays on his own but happily, goes to bed at a set time each night, polite and does as I ask (he's 12 now and he still does as asked but with a side of eye roll).

Number 2 is a tornado of energy, a whirlwind of mess and carnage, and a sass bomb that has an answer for everything. I'm pretty sure she's the goddess of chaos!

These children were raised by the same parents in nearly the same way, how did they end up so different?

Please enjoy your son and his temperament. If you do decide to have a second child at some point...brace yourself, you won't get a second child the same.

Having a firm routine, boundaries and respect makes for a great harmonious Parent/Child relationship. Where you see kids dis-regulated, disobedient or naughty most of the time that's down to parenting (excluding neurodiversity). Kids pick up on our moods and behaviours so much. It sounds like you are calm and respectful with your boy and he reflects that. If you were a shouty mum, you'd get that back.

So praise your lad for his calmness, thank him for being polite and reward him for going to bed promptly.

Praise yourself for doing a great job in hard circumstances, reward yourself from time to time.

Don't let your depression take a hold of you, see your mythical GP and get a referral for treatment.

You've got to stop. Kids' temperament really does play a huge part. Look at twins ( I know plenty who are the complete opposite) so would have been parented in the same way, yet they're different.
This struck me greatly when I watched the documentary about Caroline Flack. Her lovely mum and twin sister described the absolute opposites in personality, resilience, behaviours, outlook, even emotional stability.

You have had no choice but to parent this way. I don't think it's particularly a bad thing. There will be huge positives for your child being like this. It's more likeable if we're honest so people will warm to them more than more difficult behaved children ( cruel reality of the world).

Feeling as strong as you do, why not tweak it slightly now. Let some things go that you couldn't before.

Routine is so so important for children, it creates safe boundaries. I have one child ASD and ADHD and feel I am stricter with her than I am with my neurotypical child. But you know what my older child needs it in order to keep her safe. And sounds like you are doing a great job at keeling your little one safe, and teaching him to risk assess ect. You also said once he settled into the environment he did run around a bit, so he does know how to be a child and will do that aswell.
He may remain the same temperament or he may try and push those boundaries at some point, but as parents we need to give our children those boundaries and discipline. We do all this because we live them, and are trying to mould them into well rounded people as they get older

You are doing a great job. As a single mum with a son it's great that he is learning respect and discipline. Children thrive when they know their boundaries. It's a lonely business being a single parent. Give yourself a pat on the back and your little boy a huge hug.

I was strict with my DD - I was a single parent until she was 6 so I had to be. She was very good at going to bed, we had a nice routine of bath, wind down and a story (bedtime was 7.30pm until she was around 10). I could take her anywhere and know that I could rely on her to behave. She’s now 32 and is one of the most spirited people I know - she is known as the Sunshine Child even now. She’s getting married next year to a great lad, who has told me “she lights up my life every day.”
Don’t over think it, you’re doing a great job. Children love routine and knowing what their boundaries are. They blossom, as my DD has done.

Being a Mum is not always easy and especially if you are on your own. You sound a very conscientious, considerate and caring person who has tried to raise her son to her best abilities. That's what we all try to do, raise our children the best we can.

Your DS will grow up to be well balanced thoughtful and respectful.
i had a very strict household with my 3, OH worked abroad months on end, the daily schedule was tight so were the rules. They had to dress theirselves from an early age, have breakfast etc to get out to get to nursery/ school and me to work. They are all adults now, all in good jobs, they plan, are organised well balanced, they also went to bed early, much earlier than their friends.
we still had fun days trips out, special occasions when they stayed up an hour longer, but they were always on a weekend or bank holiday. Christmas Eve was special they stayed up late we have a late supper put out wine and a carrot etc they went to bed and we read the night before Xmas, I have an old pop up book and they each moved the pop ups on a page. We still do this, although I’ no longer set their bedtimes they are late 20’s early 30’s we still sit in my bed and read the book after supper before bed. It’s these things they remember not the routine.
I think the fact the nursery have noticed no issues, in my experience they are quick to do so , and the fact he sleeps well says it all.
You have boundaries, they will be adjusted as he grows and he will test them but No you won’t have messed him up. Far from it.

His great behaviour is a reflection of your great parenting.
I think you have done an amazing job.
You have a nice son and u are obviously a nice mother.
Honestly get rid of these intrusive and negative thoughts.

I'm a single parent and can relate to your post op.

I was fairly strict and routine based as I had to be, I had to work and I also needed my evenings to sort all the other stuff out. Dd benefited from a stable, safe, loving environment and thrives in a routine as do most children🤷‍♀️

Your Ds sounds lovely and you should be proud of yourself not beating yourself up.

It sounds like you have done a great job. Your son is healthy and happy and has good boundaries and you both get a night's sleep, which is wonderful. If he was running riot he'd be hyper and you'd be shattered and bad tempered with him and feeling terrible about that. All kids have different temperaments, be grateful you got an easygoing baby.

Sounds like you have done a great job so far. Kudos to you.