Have I completely messed up my child? I feel sick about it

[Uswr10]

Ds was an accidental pregnancy but I was 34 at the time and couldn’t bear not having him. I have always wanted children. Unfortunately my partner left me when I was six months, he didn’t actually see ds until ds was a 1 (a few days before his birthday). Ds is 2.5 and ex has been part of his life consistently since then but doesn’t have him overnight as he is a fair distance away. Ds recognises him and credit where it is due, despite what he put me through ex is actually a good dad and they have a great bond and ex is very keen ds has all he needs etc.

but here’s the thing… I thought I had really done my best to cope with what was an awful situation. Being left in pregnancy was the most awful feeling and i didn’t feel bonded with ds really in pregnancy. I feel sad I can’t imagine what it’s like to have full excitement rather than heartbreak and I now wonder if I love ds as I should?

I am in tears writing this. I have always done everything for him, I took a year off and have to date done every bedtime, every dinner, I worked hard to have a routine and tried to make things happy for him. I know I have managed well in a practical sense and have provided ds with all he needs and he is healthy and strong.

but… in doing this I think I became quite strict. I was on the dot with bedtime (still am) as I had no other way of coping alone, I needed ds to sleep and I was strict, not once has he been to be later than 7:30 for example, not even as a one off. I’ve had to be strict with him when going shopping etc as when you’re always alone and have bags or finding car keys and there’s traffic I need him to listen to me. This has resulted in 9 times out of 10 him doing exactly as I ask, if I say stop when walking he usually does so immediately for example.

a couple of weeks ago we visited my brother and his son who is a year older than ds. It struck me how quiet ds was, he was concentrating on playing and not running round manically (though he started to as he settled in to the environment). He goes to nursery and staff say he is usually a delight and they have no issues.

is my child just naturally easy going or have I trampled on his spirit? Have I been too strict? Have I made him like this? My nephew also doesn’t really sleep but ds will usually sleep through and rarely resists when I say goodnight. I worry how I have handled parenting ds has been all wrong and he is calm and serious because of me and he doesn’t feel he can be a child? I feel sick with worry that I have got this all wrong.

I think it sounds fine, but ,and maybe you do this already make sure you chat to him , listen to what says so if hes crying at bedtime ask him why for example , make sure he knows he can talk to you. Take time to play with him and be a bit silly and daft, giggle together.
They need routine and boundaries honestly you’re doing a great job , you love him and he knows it, dont worry.

I think you need time for fun and build a relationship with him, I don’t think you have damaged him or your relationship but for your sake you need to play to have fun and have times you loosen up a bit otherwise before you know it he is a teenage

and be aware that the reactive and strict can cause fear and try and prevent that

I honestly think that you are being hard on yourself. These consequences aren’t going to damage your little one. If he was scared to put a foot wrong that would be different.

As the lovely @Dietingfool said, factor in some fun but don’t fret.

Parenting is hard, parenting alone with no one to support you and back up your choices must be really hard but you’re doing fine.

I hear your worry. It's so scary if we've done them harm. Over all how loving have you been to him while being strict? Being strict is really good if it's coupled with a big cushion of emotional generosity and love.

I agree with other pp you've done a great job with schedules, stability. That's tough and you did it.

Even if you don't love him enough, he's just 2.5 so you can start now. Don't lose the routine, just increase the love as in be more playful when it won't affect the routines.

Agree with this

You sound like a brilliant parent. DD here was much the same at 2.5. Now 4.5 and far more confident and also runs around giggling with the other kids. If daycare people have no concerns then no reason for you to have any.

If you're not shouting at him it sounds to me this is more structured rather than strict. Unless you are using some other kind of punishment all the time

To be fair, I can see what @AllEndeavour means: your posts are all about how well-behaved and obedient your child is- surely you can see how that could be taken as a humblebrag? However, you do come across as genuinely worried about this, so I don't think that was your intention.

I really think you need to stop comparing your son to your nephew. They are different children, of different ages, with different parents.

(Also, your nephew sounds like a right handful, so be glad you got your son instead!)

@Uswr10

would you say you're authoritarian or authoritative?

You've recognised that something may be amiss, so can change if you need to.

Sounds to me as if you have a nicely behaved little boy. Those are all boundaries around safety and wellbeing (sleep, roads etc). My bed time was always 7.30 on the dot through most of primary school! Parents who don’t do those things often give in for an easy life and would envy your child listening and going to bed when asked!

I think you're slightly been hard on yourself.

but I was born in similar circumstances and it means I had an adult. I really struggle to be carefree and let loose as I have my mum on my shoulder and I do wish in my early 20s (mid 20s) i'd let my hair down and had fun.

its about balance imo

I think you sound like an incredible mother and are way too harsh on yourself. If the routine you have established for yourself and DS works well for you both then that is brilliant.

I have two toddlers, 16 months apart, my youngest is a similar age to yours. I believe I have parented them very similarly to each other, especially as they are so close in age.

My eldest is like your DS, very "obedient", can follow instruction, will play "nicely" and I'm not sure I've ever had to raise my voice. My younger one is the complete opposite, my little wild child who presses all my buttons on a daily basis and was definitely sent to test me lol. Both have the same rules and routines (which in essence sound similar to how you parent) but they are just very different personalities.

To me it sounds like you're a wonderful parent who gives your child the stability and routine that is needed whilst keeping him safe and loved. I hope you can learn to be less harsh on yourself and to see what a wonderful job you are doing. And enjoy the fact that you have a beautiful relationship with your DS and he has a personality that allows your life to run a little smoother than if he were like my wild one 🫣

I think it’s because your parenting sounds almost perfect tbh ❤️. By your own account you very rarely shout, you are not overly controlling (eg forcing DC to eat/ wear certain things) but you have firm boundaries and a strict routine. As a result your child sounds really lovely.

Thank you for the suggestions. I think it’s always good to try and keep improving and I’ve got loads of things to look at from this thread. I do think I have instilled a bit of fear and I’m not proud of that at all. It’s so hard sometimes on my own as I just need things not to fall apart… I can’t just give in to resistance to the car seat for example as I literally have to get to work.

You have to pick your battles I guess. Being safe in the car trumps staying up for half an hour after bedtime. I think it's important as he gets older that he has a voice too and that his opinions are listened to and it's not just about listening to you and do as he's told. That usually creates a very anxious person and just being able to argue their cause is always going to be a good lifeskill to have, but they don't have to always get their way of course. Always that balance to be found.

I do think it’s important children are allowed to be a bit naughty sometimes (as in just being a child). If there is no leeway for being less than beautifully behaved all the time it can cause big issues when they are adult (timid, not assertive, people pleasing etc).

Just make sure there’s a balance.

Mine were like this and I know what you mean. Now you have control and a "good" child, maybe relax a little? I did this and found it didn't result in any chaos and now i think they consider me fairly chilled. Certainly enough that if i ever do need to raise my voice or whatever, they know i mean business. You sound like you've done a great job!

Of course 2 year olds have to go in a carseat, it's completely fine to be firm about that... What would the alternative be? 'Sorry boss I'm late for work again because I had to wait until my 2 year old chose to get into his car seat'? Teeth brushing is another thing that is not negotiable in our house. And holding hands/being safe around roads. 2 year olds can't possibly properly understand the importance of car seats or tooth brushing so we have to be the adults and decide for them that they don't have a choice. Then give them choice in other areas of their lives such as do they want to wear x or y t shirt or do they want weetabix or toast for breakfast.

I’ve voted YABU because it sounds to me as if you are giving your child clear and consistent boundaries which is exactly what they need to feel safe. Boisterous does not necessarily equal happy, so I wouldn’t use that as an indicator of anything.

This sounds perfect. You want your child to stop when you call out in a firm way. I instilled the same in my son and I could feel confident he would always stop when I said to do he never ran out in the road or ran off and put himself in danger. You should have and need a “mum voice” for such moments. Too many parents have zero boundaries or control of their children and that’s not a good thing so don’t compare yourself to them. I would be concerned about a Jack tbh.

The very fact that you are questioning and worrying about whether you’re being a good mum tells me 100% that you are.

be kind to yourself, you’re doing a great job xx

Don't beat yourself up 🌻
In my experience, it's only good mothers that worry about being good mothers x

You've done an amazing job OP. I don't think children who act up for attention and have tantrums are happier than those which are well behaved - quite the opposite

You sound like an amazing parent ❤

You've done great. You've got a well socialised, happy child. Enjoy. He'll do well in school and in life. You're a great mum - own it.