Have I completely messed up my child? I feel sick about it

[Uswr10]

Ds was an accidental pregnancy but I was 34 at the time and couldn’t bear not having him. I have always wanted children. Unfortunately my partner left me when I was six months, he didn’t actually see ds until ds was a 1 (a few days before his birthday). Ds is 2.5 and ex has been part of his life consistently since then but doesn’t have him overnight as he is a fair distance away. Ds recognises him and credit where it is due, despite what he put me through ex is actually a good dad and they have a great bond and ex is very keen ds has all he needs etc.

but here’s the thing… I thought I had really done my best to cope with what was an awful situation. Being left in pregnancy was the most awful feeling and i didn’t feel bonded with ds really in pregnancy. I feel sad I can’t imagine what it’s like to have full excitement rather than heartbreak and I now wonder if I love ds as I should?

I am in tears writing this. I have always done everything for him, I took a year off and have to date done every bedtime, every dinner, I worked hard to have a routine and tried to make things happy for him. I know I have managed well in a practical sense and have provided ds with all he needs and he is healthy and strong.

but… in doing this I think I became quite strict. I was on the dot with bedtime (still am) as I had no other way of coping alone, I needed ds to sleep and I was strict, not once has he been to be later than 7:30 for example, not even as a one off. I’ve had to be strict with him when going shopping etc as when you’re always alone and have bags or finding car keys and there’s traffic I need him to listen to me. This has resulted in 9 times out of 10 him doing exactly as I ask, if I say stop when walking he usually does so immediately for example.

a couple of weeks ago we visited my brother and his son who is a year older than ds. It struck me how quiet ds was, he was concentrating on playing and not running round manically (though he started to as he settled in to the environment). He goes to nursery and staff say he is usually a delight and they have no issues.

is my child just naturally easy going or have I trampled on his spirit? Have I been too strict? Have I made him like this? My nephew also doesn’t really sleep but ds will usually sleep through and rarely resists when I say goodnight. I worry how I have handled parenting ds has been all wrong and he is calm and serious because of me and he doesn’t feel he can be a child? I feel sick with worry that I have got this all wrong.

Maybe your child doesn’t need to loud/over boisterous etc because you and he aren’t “competing” wit eg a sibling or another parent. It may just be that it’s led to a less confrontational environment where nobody needs to shout loud to be heard. Does that make senses?

This. Give yourself a pat on the back OP! The pain of being left alone when you were pregnant must have been torture.
FYI, I had a very strict bedtime routine with my child too (730pm) as I had to get them to a childminder before starting work at 0800.
Take care of yourself OP, you clearly love your son very much

It sounds like you’re an amazing mum who has done a good job in tricky circumstances.

OP, I was like you. My dd was always well behaved, she has achieved amazingly academically because she listened and worked hard and did what her teachers asked of her, she was never a loud child, but she has grown into a confident independent young woman who has lots of friends. I wouldn't worry about it.

Too many children are now unable to behave themselves, think running around and screaming and shouting and being the centre of attention all the time is the norm. Too many parents never teach their children how to play productively, how to act in public, how to listen to others and how to do as they are are asked.

As a result schools are struggling with behaviour.

Op, you sound like a fantastic mum with a happy, well adjusted, balanced little boy and that is all credit to you. Too many children are given no boundaries or expectations of behaviour - you have done everything right. Please don't beat yourself up just because your relatives child is louder and has tantrums! There is no need, you are clearly a good mum.

I would say that carry on as you are but as your son gets older loosen up more. You will have given him a good grounding in how to behave in a good mannered and thoughtful way but you don’t need to carry that on through all the stages of childhood.

What do you mean? Why would you stop trying to teach him to behave in a good mannered and thoughtful way?

OP I think I understand what worries you. It's perhaps less about 'having been too strict' (as per PPs, firm boundaries are a good thing for a small child), than about whether your stress and worry has somehow rubbed off on him. You wonder whether he feels he can't be himself in order not to stress or upset you.

That is a worry, but one you can only deal with by being gentle with yourself as well as your child. There's no way you have terminally messed up your child, from what you describe. Give yourself a break.

Don’t dwell on the past. Book in some time with him to be silly together & stay up late over Christmas. X

@magicalmrmistoffelees What I mean is as they get older things like always a strict bedtime can be loosened up a bit, not everything will need to be ‘strict’ throughout childhood. I worded it badly.

I think you’re doing a great job OP. You are giving him a good foundation.

Kids have their own personalities. My eldest has always been well behaved. Never had tantrums. Always slept. Always compliant. A very easy child.

My second child is feral.

It's luck. You sound like you're doing a great job.

As a pp said, it depends on how you have parented your child to achieve this, if you have shouted, smacked and caused fear, this will have caused harm, if you have been firm with boundaries and routines and your DS is generally obedient, then it sounds like you have found what works well. Only you know the answer.
Not wanting to put a negative on it but nursery won’t raise any worries if he is well behaved, it tends to be the difficult children who get flagged as there being an issue.

Your little boy sounds lovely.
As long as there is time in your day to let loose, be silly, and laugh at yourself and eachother I think you'll be fine.
A funny dance, a silly face, a tickling session.
Its never too late to find your inner child. Parks are always a good place to join in 😁

I wouldn't worry. My eldest is exactly the same. Like you, I was a single parent then, it was just the two of us for years. He is the most laid back, chilled young man. He has never been a "stereotypical" boy, never climbed, never raised his voice, never jumped off of things, never played rough and tumble, never liked getting dirty.. the list goes on. He has never ever been a bit of trouble - even though he now has to share me with his 3 siblings.

My younger son is the complete opposite and definitely a stereotypical boy - boisterous, loud, defiant, cheeky.
And my daughters, well, one has ASD and is very difficult, and the other is mostly a delight.

They have all been raised the same way. All followed the same routine. All had the same rules. The only difference is that my eldest two had just me for the first few years of their lives.

Every child is different and personalities are unique.

Your son sounds like a sweetheart.

Sounds like you’ve done a fantastic job to me. He’s sleeps well, is kept safe and loved. He sounds like he plays and is happy.
He’s probably just naturally more compliant than your nephew.
He sounds lovely and you sound like you’re doing a fantastic job.

@AllEndeavour ? Which part exactly is supposed to be a brag?

Mumsnet is strange sometimes!

@Dietingfool i think this is what I am worried about, that he’s scared. I wouldn’t say he is scared I would hurt him obviously but seems scared I will get cross I suppose? That’s not great is it. If I say don’t do something I am very clear, not necessarily shouting but very clear and direct and stern about it. So I suppose it is fear in a way and that’s not great. I do let him make decisions as much as possible and I wouldn’t force him to wear a particular outfit and don’t really force him finish his food, I’m not strict about snacks or how long a walk takes or if he wants to leave his coat off etc. But when I’m in a time crunch I don’t take no for an answer if he refuses to get on with being ready

@Siriusmuggle this is interesting as when me and ex are together around him he is definitely more attention seeking and will be louder, it may be that the house is quiet and all focus is generally on him when it’s just us

Sounds like you're raising a fantastic little boy.

Firm but fair boundaries are key to a good upbringing imo :)

So my view is the only person who can tell you you’re a good parent or not is your child as an adult. Kids remember, they grow up and they remember, and you will know. When they grow up. You will know.

my parents were abusive, I was not. But I was like you. I just didn’t realise it. My daughter told me, that although I never raised my hand, I was reactive, and I was strict. She knew immediately by my look and voice, and I left her in no doubt. Swift and harsh. I’m ashamed of that.

we have a great relationship now, but I work very hard indeed at this, I’m a softer person now, but if I could go back, I’d be less stern, less harsh, more relaxed.

the difference in my situation is my husband was the playful one, he was the soft one, so she had a balance in our home, and he often ensured I mitigated my reactions. I was also very cuddly, loving, and the one who did the deep talking. I was also the generous one. Most importantly I listened.

so if you want some heart felt advice. Soften it now, it’s fine, just try to build some fun stuff in, bend the rules, let your child have a say.

and importantly listen, ask him his opinion, ask him what he wants, have some late nights, watching movies, making popcorn.

becayse you want him to respect you, not fear you. And you want the relationship to last a life time. Not for him to reach 18 and go, and never look back.

@Fabulouslyunfabulous this is the bit I am unsure of too… if he’s crying and won’t settle for bed then I will leave and come back after a couple of mins. That doesn’t happen often. I would never just leave him but I would repeat leaving and then returning and telling him it’s bedtime. I know a lot of friends will bring their child downstairs at that point for some tv until they are more tired but I wouldn’t do that, I just repeat over and over that it’s bedtime. If he refused to walk to the car with me after shopping I would sit and wait until he stopped crying, telling him we needed to leave etc. If I was in a rush I would pick him up and if I’m honest I would probably tell him he was causing a fuss and we needed to leave. I don’t know if these things are right, I have nobody to share the load or discuss it all with so I just try and get through each day. I wonder if by never giving in that it’s a bit too much though.

Sounds like you have provided a wonderful environment for your child. Children thrive on routine & boundries with plenty of love. All the major components of your child’s parenting

@Dietingfool thank you. The way you described yourself is how I see myself, stern and can be reactive. I think I am more so like this when he’s less able to communicate and like to think I will be calmer about communicating and less reactive when we have a proper dialogue. It’s stuff I can work on I guess and I just hope no lasting damage has been done as he really is a beautiful little boy in every sense.

Don’t worry, no lasting damage is done, the only concerning thing is you say you will be maybe calmer when he can communicate, which indicates you’re kicking the can down the road.

start now, today. He maybe can’t fully communicate.

but you can.

and ifs not about him,

it’s about you,

Your parenting style is only a small part of what shapes your child. Their personality, temperament, experiences etc will also be massive factors. Things will change all the time too. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job and you have a happy, healthy boy and he is just quite a chilled out. That might change over time. But hopefully not. It doesn't sound like you have done anything to in any way damage him.

I know some parents who's first was like your boy and they absolutely thought they were the greatest parents. And then along came number 2.....where they learnt that actually it had A LOT to do with just the personality of that particular child.