Have I completely messed up my child? I feel sick about it

[Uswr10]

Ds was an accidental pregnancy but I was 34 at the time and couldn’t bear not having him. I have always wanted children. Unfortunately my partner left me when I was six months, he didn’t actually see ds until ds was a 1 (a few days before his birthday). Ds is 2.5 and ex has been part of his life consistently since then but doesn’t have him overnight as he is a fair distance away. Ds recognises him and credit where it is due, despite what he put me through ex is actually a good dad and they have a great bond and ex is very keen ds has all he needs etc.

but here’s the thing… I thought I had really done my best to cope with what was an awful situation. Being left in pregnancy was the most awful feeling and i didn’t feel bonded with ds really in pregnancy. I feel sad I can’t imagine what it’s like to have full excitement rather than heartbreak and I now wonder if I love ds as I should?

I am in tears writing this. I have always done everything for him, I took a year off and have to date done every bedtime, every dinner, I worked hard to have a routine and tried to make things happy for him. I know I have managed well in a practical sense and have provided ds with all he needs and he is healthy and strong.

but… in doing this I think I became quite strict. I was on the dot with bedtime (still am) as I had no other way of coping alone, I needed ds to sleep and I was strict, not once has he been to be later than 7:30 for example, not even as a one off. I’ve had to be strict with him when going shopping etc as when you’re always alone and have bags or finding car keys and there’s traffic I need him to listen to me. This has resulted in 9 times out of 10 him doing exactly as I ask, if I say stop when walking he usually does so immediately for example.

a couple of weeks ago we visited my brother and his son who is a year older than ds. It struck me how quiet ds was, he was concentrating on playing and not running round manically (though he started to as he settled in to the environment). He goes to nursery and staff say he is usually a delight and they have no issues.

is my child just naturally easy going or have I trampled on his spirit? Have I been too strict? Have I made him like this? My nephew also doesn’t really sleep but ds will usually sleep through and rarely resists when I say goodnight. I worry how I have handled parenting ds has been all wrong and he is calm and serious because of me and he doesn’t feel he can be a child? I feel sick with worry that I have got this all wrong.

OP the fact that you’re even questioning this, shows that you are a good parent.

Some children are much more quiet and I find only children are calmer and quieter because they’re not fighting for attention.

It seems like a really nice, calm, structured household.

I think it’s important that we all reflect as parenting.
So if you think that you’re a bit strict, then perhaps loosen up in certain areas eg Friday night.

I would also look into a club where he is able to go mad if he wants to eg drama or trampolining.
But don’t be surprised if he’s not the loudest, wildest as it sounds like calmness and rule following is just his personality.

I was in a similar situation with ds2 (9mo) dad but he only reappeared for a few months before pissing off the face of the earth.
Ds1 is 3 and I have always had a strict bedtime routine for them.
Ds2 is much more quieter and laid back than ds1 ever was but he is very content and hit all milestones early so far. I put it down to a difference in personalities.
Don’t feel bad, a routine is good for young dc :)

OP I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Parenting is hard work and in my opinion children thrive having boundaries, such as having regular bedtimes. I think that parents who don't instil manners into their children are setting them up for a shock when they start school. As parents we get things wrong from time to time but a loving parent is so important and you are a loving parent as you obviously care about your DS, hence your post.

I wouldn't be too concerned about the strict, on the dot bedtime, but I recommend you look into rough play and it's role in child development.
It's more prominent in boys and there is an important role that father have in this - the whole swinging them around, chasing them, rough & tumble. I'd be concerned he hasn't really had as much of that as he should have. He won't have had it from the nursery staff, and he doesn't have a sibling to do this with either.

Your son could just be a naturally quieter, more thoughtful boy, but I'd look into the above if I were you.

My parents were “care free.” I had no structure, routine or bedtime. Had a tv in my room from 5. I’m now an adult who struggles with insomnia and lack of organisation. Your early years form who you are. You are doing amazing!!

@Uswr10 I couldn't scroll by and say how utterly in awe of you I am.
You sound like a brilliant mum and you did it all.
You didn't have anyone to tap in when you were at your wits end.
No-one to send you out of the house for a walk alone when you needed a break.
No-one to cook you a meal, make you a tea or bring you coffee in bed.
No-one to share your dilemma with, to trouble shoot feeding problems or sleep patterns with.

The fact that you are doubting yourself means that you care and it matters and that's how I know your little on will have everything they need.

X

Be kind to yourself, you sound like the best mum, kids need boundaries and do best when they know where the line is. You should be patting yourself on the back for everything you have achieved and being his constant. I’m sending you a big hug. Chin up, soldier on. Know you are doing the right thing! I commend you. I sure when he is old enough to know, he will thank you too!

Only the other day my (now 23 year old) son mentioned always feeling “safe” with me. If i said no, I meant no. If it was bedtime he knew it was time to go to sleep. If anything I was more relaxed once he was a teenager as I realised he was pushing boundaries and learning from mistakes. When he was suspended from school for vaping, he was mortified when I had to leave work to collect him. I didn’t punish him, or read him the riot act. We went home and drank hot chocolate and I reiterated that I wouldn’t be so relaxed if i ever had a phone call like that again. I never did.
I too was parenting alone a lot and every bedtime was down to me, I would say i was very strict in early childhood as I needed him to sleep and behave for my own mental health and wellbeing. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job. Now that he’s in such a great routine, you could maybe let him stay up late, for example, occasionally, but honestly, I think you will realise as he grows up that you have laid excellent foundations for your relationship to develop and for his personality to be nurtured.

It’s probably just his personality. I have twins and one is naturally compliant, always slept through, rarely had a tantrum.. whereas the other twin has much more of a wild nature and was a never a good sleeper, too say the least ! Same approach from me though and the same kind of routine. I have other DC too and they are very different in the way that they respond to things - they are just different people, as we all are.

Parenting them has taught me that so much of it is actually nature over nurture, and sometimes parents believe they have “well behaved” DC because of their parenting, when it really isn’t that much of a factor. In the same way, some of my DC eat everything, some are picky and beige only.. and it’s got nothing to do with how I weaned them, it’s just how they are.

Honestly, this is fixable, if there is anything to fix. Create time and space for you to be silly together. Push yourself to lighten the rules every now and then. Doesn’t need to be whole scale change.

It's totally about personality. I was strict/boundaried - I still am - and DS has a will of iron. Will try to negotiate every situation like a top class lawyer.

I know other parents who aren't strict and have very compliant kids.

Honestly. You've done amazingly on your own. End of.

I frankly think you're killing it, OP. In my point of view children need routine and boundaries. Are you freaking kidding me? I have a 9 month old and I have help and I'm still overwhelmed and shattered, and you freaking did this ON YOUR OWN and created and warm, safe, loving environment?

I don't think you know how amazing you are. And your little boy seems lovely.

I was an older mum, 42 when Dd was born, and I brought her up just as you describe. My Dh worked long hours and I worked pt around him, my lovely family helped a lot but they live 30 miles away. I decided straight off that I had to be strict but fair, if she touched things in shops I used to say ' stop, make like a soldier and put your hands by your side' and she did bless her, we had routines which worked for us, but do you know what ? she is gorgeous, bright, intelligent and we are very close. You won't go far wrong but I would say pick your battles and cut him a little slack at times. You will be fine, both of you 🥰

I was going to reply earlier but got distracted and can only agree with everything that has been said. Kids love routine, they love knowing what I'd ok and what isn't and they love clear, consistent instructions. It sound like you are raising a very happy boy who is comfortable with knowing how to behave.

Pretty sure dd1 only had about two late nights between having a bedtime and about 3 years old! It made her miserable, she knew when she was tired and wanted bed and that suited everyone - us and her.

Is this meant to be a humblebrag? Tantrums and not sleeping through the night in the early years are developmentally normal so hopefully no one will feel bad after reading this.

Please don't be hard on yourself - you are doing an amazing job. You are a little team and he is calm because that's how he is! Boys grow up to adore their mums and really look out for them, I speak from experience in having no man around when giving birth (awful and depressing). I ask my son now about how he thought his childhood was and he says it was amazing! I did always put him first - never ever had a boyfriend move in, oh no. Please please relax and don't compare him to a rowdy 3 yr old!!

A strict routine and consistent boundaries are great for any child. I was a very quiet and well behaved child and shy. My brother was was very hyperactive and loud and got in to quite a lot of trouble. Children just have different personality types just like adults do.

I think it’s personality my dd1 sounds like your ds and we were organised but not strict, she has always listened, been self contained and calm. She still is now and she is 21! She is much loved for her serene nature.
dd2 is the apposite! Both raised the same.

If you want to add some care free element then book a theme park age related, play and tickle him, run after as a monster, be playful, swing him around. Let him make decisions that are age appropriate.

If you feel you could change and improve a few things, then be open to that. I changed so much - adapted my parenting - my views and everything in between. It’s okay to say I’m going to change a few things!

Well done to you op for putting your heart and soul into your son

Nah you are fine. You did the best with what you could at the time and it got both of you through. Having a strict bedtime has done hike the world of good for his brain to get the sleep.

"If you want to add some care free element then book a theme park age related, play and tickle him, run after as a monster, be playful, swing him around. Let him make decisions that are age appropriate."

This is interesting.
Does the OP play with her son I wonder?

I know many parents don't know how to/dont want to play...I was always Rawling about with son, or on the floor with him playing Leggo....chasing around like a monster (or fool some might say) now I do it with grandkids.

My sister thought I was unhinged, she took the more dignified approach to child rearing.

I don't think there is a right or wrong, everyone is different.

I don’t think you’ve ruined him in any way so stop beating yourself up! But whether it’s because of his upbringing or just who he is, well that’s hard to tell. My eldest sounds like your DC and I thought we’d done a great job of parenting, then DS2 turned up and taught us it was all fluke and personality dependent.

Very very unlikely you've made him like that. My eldest is like that cautious, quiet, can be anxious (as can I). My younger child is the polar opposite!! Total fire cracker, no risk assessment skills and tries to push every single boundary. I do think a lot of these traits are baked in and parenting has a limited impact.

Play and being playful is instrumental in building confidence and resilience. Especially the physical aspect. It was just a thought as it’s easy to incorporate.

Ops child is so young it’s easy to change things - add new ideas.

I’ve only read your main message so apologies if I haven’t got all the info @Uswr10. I just came on here to say your son sounds lovely. Given he’s good and you can trust him in difficult situations to listen to you - maybe you can do a few more fun things with him.. anything he enjoys from sports matches to museums, different playgrounds - and just constantly tell him that he gets these extra trips because you trust him. This may help you feel better. (I have felt the same about my child but tried to address by doing more things together) xx

Dear OP,
2.5 is still sooo little. You are still finding your feet in motherhood and discovering what works for you and your little one and you're trying to do it (mostly) on your own. Give yourself some grace! Nursery aren't worried, your DS sounds like a thoughtful soul, and as he gets a little older and you can communicate with reasoning to explain your authority, you might be able to ease up on things like bedtime if you would like to.
If he isn't frightened of you, and it doesn't sound like he is, then what you have described is not wrong at all. We're all doing the best we can. Xx