If your adult child was going through a difficult time financially, would you help them out?

[Pekitothebunny]

So if your son or daughter expressed to you that times were difficult financially atm due to something such as job loss or a big expense that they’ve suddenly had to pay for in an emergency, would you give them money to help, if you were able to? Or would you see it as their own struggle to overcome and deal with themselves now that they are an adult?

I wouldn't be paying 3k to fix a cat.

Why would you even bother borrowing £200 towards the cost of surgery that will cost thousands? £200 will not help at all and you are definitely better off giving it back if it is causing comments and problem between you.

Your mother is a disgrace. Do you still have a relationship with her? I would find it hard to forgive her.

They said that during my surgery they can fit the coil in which would help.

I am on the pill but it doesn’t help all that much, it definitely takes an edge off I will admit. But not enough to stop me being bed bound and throwing up/passing out etc during my period

I always stepped up to help my children out when they needed it as I was in a position to do so. However, after recent changes in my daughter's behaviour towards me, I will no longer be helping her out. You reap what you sow.

Really sorry to hear about your endo :( yes, I think your dad should absolutely step up, absolutely, on that if nothing else.

My own MIL offered to help pay to have my gallbladder out (around £6k) cos the NHS wait is so long. My parents also said they'd help & I don't doubt that had MIL approached (divorced) FIL he'd have chipped in too. As it was I said I wanted to wait & see how things pan out, but the fact she wanted to step up like that really touched me. (oddly I've got an appointment privately this afternoon cos my GP fucked up so badly the NHS are paying). I don't say the above to make you feel bad, it's an example of what good, loving ppl do & your dad isn't one of those unfortunately. He's the problem, not you, and no doubt you'd move heaven & earth for your kids if you have them

Could you just ask him straight up? You've had appalling luck & clearly keep trying to sort this yourself. Be cold about it, factual & forthright. He might respond better to that than anything he perceives as weakness.

My mum has helped me in the past and I would definitely do the same for my DD when she's older (she's 3 just now)

He asked me how much the consultation fee is and it’s 200 so he just gave me the money for that, but you’re right. I feel the same tbh. When I said “even if you just pay for the consultation” I was hoping he might say it’s ok I’ll give you a bit more. So I just accepted whatever he was offering. But you are right

Yes

My DS never asks for anything so if he did I'd know it was a pretty desperate situation so I would definitely help him. He's always been great with money so he has saving which he would use before coming to us.
However, I see plenty of friends children pleading poverty on a regular basis so their parents are always giving them money.

If we could but not to the extent that it would make old age difficult for us.

I wouldn’t fund my child’s £3k insurance shortfall for a cat. I would encourage them to get a job with health insurance to cover their endo (eg pay for more training to make them more employable) or take out a health insurance policy that would cover it (have you had it officially diagnosed? If not there’s nothing stopping you taking out insurance. That’s how I had my first endo operation privately aged 25).
I think it’s more he’s judging your life choices rather than not wanting to help per se.

My parents offered no help and I asked for none. On two occasions I was down to my last 50 quid and wondering how I was going to buy food the following week. they gave me and DP no help to get on the housing ladder despite themselves benefitting from windfalls and inheritances including one which in current day terms would be close to half a million. They watched us struggle and rent for years while they went on cruises and spent the money on additional buy to let properties.
I later found out that when I was growing up and they had relocated but were unable to sell their house in the old area, my grandparent lent them the equivalent of £60,000 in today's terms so that they could buy a house in the new area. I will never forgive the hypocrisy.
I would help. Otherwise what is the point in family.

I have always taught my kids to have an emergency fund of 6-8 months! It really depends!

Yes and i do

Ok but that’s not what this is about is it? This is the reason why I didn’t actually post my specific scenario in the first instance. Because people go off topic and pick on random parts of the post that aren’t actually to do with the question I’m asking.

If this is the case, I hope you don’t have pets. Because 3k is absolutely nothing. My cat was 2 years old and perfectly healthy. I had the money there in savings, apart from 1k, I put it on a card and paid it off. My cat is now 6 and living a great healthy life. Please don’t get pets if you wouldn’t be prepared to pay for treatments for them if they need it

Oh OP I’ve just read your update. The research and funding into endo is appalling. I’ve just paid for my DD to have a private laparoscopy as like you say the waiting time on the NHS is so long.

I think your dad is being very mean. I couldn’t swan off on lots of holidays knowing my DD was in agony.

I also think a lot of people just don’t realise how debilitating endo is.

Well considering my private endo surgery is 5k just for this one procedure, I’d say multiple stays at the emergency vets overnight, plus two surgeries, aftercare medication, further X-rays to ensure healing etc 9k is probably about right

It depends if their actions had somehow made the situation worse (e.g. earning enough to save 'for a rainy day' but choosing not to), if they had a habit of getting into the same difficulties repeatedly (not learning from mistakes), if I could afford to gift it (I wouldn't loan it because loans within families never really work), and how good our relationship was (do they only get in touch when they want something?).

Yes, if I had the money, and if it was a genuine problem and not the result of them being fiscally irresponsible and expecting me to bail them out every time.

100 per cent help and I have

I’d give it back too .
Tell him the pain it causes you and that the £200 is pointless untill you have the money for surgery .
Also explain you aren’t getting the surgery to have kids . You are doing it for a certain standard for life and to stop the pain.
What I hate more than anything are ignorant people. The ones who don’t believe or understand because well it’s not happened to them . They can’t even pick up their phone and do some research but they still have an opinion .

No point commenting on Mumsnet then as we only ever hear one side of the story.

Of course I would. Unless it was due to an addiction like drugs, alcohol or gambling -- then I would help them to pay for rehab.

It would depend on circumstances. When my kids were in their 20s I helped as much as I could. For context, I was a single parent since my youngest was a baby, I was on a low wage when they were young and then a student stipend, and it wasn't until they were secondary school-age and I was approaching my 40s that I was on a decent salary that allowed me to begin savings and a pension plan. For the last 10 years or so I've been saving as hard as I can, mostly towards my pension pot, partly so that I can retire a couple of years before state pension age, but also so that I won't be a burden on my children as I get older. The position I'm in, then, is that in principle I have spare cash that I don't need for day-to-day purposes.

If there was an emergency with either of my kids and they needed help I would give them the money I'm currently putting aside for savings in a heartbeat. But it would have to be that they needed it, e.g. to keep a roof over their heads and keep warm and fed. I wouldn't hand over my pension savings for either of them to have what I would consider to be luxuries. I appreciate we all draw the boundary of need vs luxury somewhere different, and maybe mine is quite low because of years of living hand-to-mouth and only just scraping by. But the way I see it, although I wouldn't see either of my children descend into real poverty if I could prevent it, I also want to be responsible for my own financial situation, and not risk being reliant on my kids in years to come. I don't think that's in their interests either.