If your adult child was going through a difficult time financially, would you help them out?

[Pekitothebunny]

So if your son or daughter expressed to you that times were difficult financially atm due to something such as job loss or a big expense that they’ve suddenly had to pay for in an emergency, would you give them money to help, if you were able to? Or would you see it as their own struggle to overcome and deal with themselves now that they are an adult?

If they were trustworthy and it was a genuine unfortunate event then of course I would. even if it left me short.
If they were constantly getting into fixes or spending much more freely than I do I would be reluctant. I wouldn't enable irresponsibility.

Yes if it was a situation out of their control such as being made redundant, illness or an accident , if it was because they had been foolish , ie gambled then no

Thank you, I suspect this is his view on it as well. I’ve never asked him for money before, it’s never been expected. I just sometimes feel sad that at the two times in my life he’s seen me struggling, he hasn’t wanted to help contribute a bit. I feel like if I had a child I would want to help it if was for one off things like this. He has never paid for anything else for me. My mum paid for everything for me growing up and my grandparents paid for dance lessons etc. he has never really given me anything at all other than £20 in birthday cards. I always wondered why, so I think you have probably summed it up

God he is tight and greedy.

Id never stand by and watch my kids struggle if I had the means to help them

In your particular circumstances yes I would help especially for surgery costs so that your not in pain. Your dad is being very harsh indeed and it's quite clear that he's selfish person. Your not getting a cosmetic procedure done.
I would explain to him that it's hurtful that he keeps commenting and the fact that he thinks it's acceptable to make comments when your doing this to reduce your pain.

I don't always think it's helpful to give adult children money for situations though especially if it's as a result of their own mismanagement and they keep repeating it.
My brother is one of these people thinks because he wants something he should have it regardless. He's had thousands upon thousands from my mum the level of emotional blackmail is off the charts I totted it up for 40k a few years ago so it will be more now. She usually ends up giving in eventually and he promises it the last time....til the next year.

I put yes , but that was without your update . I love my car but at 12 years old I'm not sure,I would pay that amount out for them , and I wouldn't expect anyone else to pay that either .

It depends. We are currently in the happy position of having more money than we need so have helped our DC with house deposits and generous gifts and probably will do it again in the future.

We are happy to do because they are sensible and hard working. They make financial plans based on their means and go for it - so DS worked out he could afford a one bedroom flat and started searching. Once he had organised his mortgage in principle we surprised him with a lump sum that meant he could now afford a two bedroom flat in a slightly more convenient area. It was a pleasure to be able to do it.

However if they were less responsible and independent or became financially frivolous and started looking to us for day to day expenses I think we'd hold back. It wouldn't be good for them to think they had to rely on handouts to get by.

I dont think men understand endo v well.
Though he should.

I am currently saving yeah

I think realistically if you go down the private endometriosis route you are looking at 15k to 20k.

Yes. I lend ds1 £10k two years ago. He offered to pay it back as a lump sum or as repayments each month. I told him to do what was easy for him. He chose a repayment plan and has long since settled up.
Ds is generally good with money and there was a specific reason he asked. He could have got a bank loan but I was the cheaper option. I had no issues with that.
Ds2 would rather starve than ask for help!! There's been times when I've noticed him struggle so I've quietly helped him out without handing money over.

She had pet insurance that didn't pay out enough.
She had car insurance that didn't pay for her car being stolen.

It can be very easy to find your pet insurance doesn’t cover the whole cost of expensive treatment either because they have a limit for each treatment needed or there’s a limit across the year. Most people don’t need thousands of pounds worth of pet treatment and will insure accordingly.

Car insurance is another one. In the event of a total loss they will only pay what the car is worth, not for a replacement car. I have a 10 year old car that runs perfectly well. If I had a total loss the cars market value is around £1.5k which is what insurers will pay out. It’ll cost me more than that to buy a replacement car but insurers won’t insure your car for more than it’s actually worth.

Yes I would, I would help with debt due to frivolous spending the first time around but repeat offences don't know depends on the amount and what the situation was i.e manageable or not. My Mum insists on helping me out with all sorts of things even though I don't really need the help.

I think endo is very poorly understood (except by its sufferers) period. I also think most loving parents would try and learn more about a medical condition one of their children suffered with and would happily pay for medical treatment for their child if necessary and if they were able.

Help them!

If I could yes. Provided it wouldn’t sink me into debt.

Saying that my parents don’t have a pot to piss in, so asking them for financial help would never occur to me as they don’t have it. This means I’ve always lived within my means as I have no one to bail me out of a black hole.

Some people I know are reckless with their money because they know their doting parents can bail them out if needed. The same people had their house deposit covers by parents. I’ve had nothing off mine beyond the obligatory birthday/Xmas gift since I was 18. Again, this means I’m sensible with money!

I hope not! From what I’ve seen online it says to be between 5 and 10k. I have started to save up, maybe I won’t be able to save up enough money in time and will have to wait two years for the NHS surgery. But I would like to try.

It’s just a slap in the face because when I explained everything to my dad and how much the surgery costs, he didn’t offer to help. But then a month or so later he told me that he booked a holiday to the Maldives that cost him 10k and said he didn’t really want to go because he would be out of work for 2 weeks. I find this so insensitive, when I a month earlier I was saying how I can’t afford a surgery that would greatly help me and affect the quality of my life and then he spends 10k on a holiday that he isn’t fussed about… it makes me think, what have I done wrong? Why would he not have a natural fatherly instinct to want to help, and why is he so insensitive to then tell me how much his holiday cost him??

I absolutely would help, and I often ask my adult children if they are ok financially.

That said, FIL is a millionaire and never helps his children. DH and I are okay for money, but DH's sister is on the breadline, and gets zero help from her Dad. Whilst her and her kids are living in a cold home (no heating on in winter), her Dad takes at least 4 holidays a year, all business class of course, and spends lavish amounts of money on himself and his partner. He also talks non stop about these extravagances, without a second thought for how his child and grandchildren have nothing. He lives in a lavish mansion and has about 4 cars. Everything he buys is the best of the best, until it comes to his kids and grandkids, who get the cheapest tat possible, or something random he found in the basement from 1982.

My own Dad would give me all his money, even if it left him with nothing, if I told him I was struggling.

So - I guess it takes all sorts!

Having read the details and also that he is comfortably off I would make the money he has recently loaned you into a gift and stop asking for it back. With the cat it would depend. If there was a good chance of complete recovery I would have lent you the money so you didn't need to pay interest on the credit card.

I was lucky enough to have parents who would always help me out financially in an emergency or crisis, if they could, and naturally I do the same for my own child. If you were my daughter, you'd have had the necessary consultation and the op and be recuperating at my expense by now.

This.

My parents have helped both my brother and I - everything from youthful excess to much more acute need as adults. I really appreciate it and will be doing the same for mine.

100% would help if it was within my power. Why would you not.

Your father is tight and doesn't want to spend money on you, he didn't while you were growing up and he doesn't now. He resents even having given you £200. I'm surprised you have much of a relationship with him given his attitude. Did he not even pay child maintenance while you were young?

Why would he not have a natural fatherly instinct to want to help, and why is he so insensitive to then tell me how much his holiday cost him??

Truth is is that some well-off parents care more about the luxuries of life and taking their money to their graves than they do about helping their adult kids when those kids need help (I mean in terms of your operation). It’s a horrible and upsetting thing to come to terms with.