To hate the groans and moans

[Disagreeable]

Dh is 45. I'm 37. Dh in the last 18 months is just endless noise. I'm lying in bed right now as he's just groaning to himself. Guttural groans. His sneezes are so loud they make my toddler cry or me jump out of my skin. After dinner he lies on the sofa and then sits up and let's out a series of burps, groans and clearing of his throat for what feels like a good minute or two. He eats so quickly he hiccups during the meal so loudly but keeps eating regardless

This is combined with him never leaving the house and talking to me about prices in Tesco and whether the tyres in the car are safe (he checks them before we drive anywhere), I feel like I'm living with an elderly man. Maybe that's rude about elderly men.

I think I have the ick. I mean the word ick gives me the ick.

I have asked him to stop burping at least and he said he'd stop in frotn of the kids but he hasn't. He said I'm uptight but the constant noises is really extreme. In writing this post he has grooooooannnned about 4 times.

(Yesterday evening he had some snot hanging from his nose and honestly I felt sick).

My ex was like this usually in the morning. He had asthma though he said he needed to clear his throat after lying down while sleeping. He also used to snore keeping me awake. Wouldn't say he used to scare the DC but they did sometimes copy him.🤢

Personally, I'd book him a GP appointment and drag him there and go in with him. Explain everything. Simple over the counter tablets like nexium if he has reflux, might help but definitey the GP should be able to help him.Something isn't right as he is only 45yo.
I'm with him on the loud sneezing thing though, I do the "I'm going to sneeze , as a general warning to the household, then Aaah, Aaaah, CHOO". I've been doing it since I was a child so maybe give him a break on that one.
Definitely a GP visit is in order. Constant fatigue can be a very bad sign of certain things. At least get blood tests. Good luck with your noisy man!

You say this started 18 months ago. Was it all fabulous before that?

You paint a vivid picture of an unbearable and tiresome bloke. And only 45 :(

Not surprised you're getting the ick, with the groans, burps, eating loudly, snot hanging off his nose, and talking about Tesco club card points in bed.

(and yes it's a bit rude about elderly men)

My DH has started this thing where, every time he sneezes, it segues into "Oh dear". It's literally become part of the sneeze, which in itself is deafening because he has to shout when he sneezes. I've got to the point when I stuff my fingers in my ears if I can hear he's preparing to sneeze, but sadly I don't always make it in time.

Yes, we socialise men to put up and shut up when it comes to their health, it is a well studied phenomenon that contributes to their shorter life expectancy.

Seriously? I know MN is its own demographic, but I see much more evidence round here of men making a massive issue about their health whilst women just get on with things because they have no choice. Yes, men tend to be more reluctant to go to the doctor, but that's a different issue.

That sounds awful, OP.

There's no reason that he can't burp in the bathroom.

As for the groaning, ask him if there's a reason for it. I have to say, with so many groans and moans, I'd wonder if there's something wrong with him. Tell him that he's making so many random noises that you're concerned for his health and suggest a check-up at the GP. Whenever I hear anything about someone groaning a lot for no reason, I immediately think of dementia. Ask him to draw a clock. He probably doesn't have early onset dementia, but the fact that it's entered your head might be enough to make him realise how ridiculous he sounds. I'm serious though. Random vocalisations can indeed be an early sign. Tell him that.

Horse blinkers! LMAO!!!!

You surely don't wash your towels after one use?

It's a problem that I myself had for some time which made me disgusted with myself (I'm a woman so it sounds even worse). Found out that it could be post-nasal drip or stomach issues. It's much better now for me, so hopefully there's something he can do.

Yep although if a man farted in his sleep and suddenly woke in surprise and sniffed his own bum it would just as hilarious as the dog doing it

I was in hospital a month ago after having an emergency bowel resection. I kept being asked if I'd "passed wind".

I did in my sleep and woke myself up and said "what was that!!??". Nurse said, "that was you and that's very reassuring.", my response "that was bloody frightening!!!"

It was like the sodding Space Shuttle on full throttle!!

Wait til he wakes you at 2am because he's wet the bed and needs you to clean it up for him. That was the final straw for me. Wake me so you can strip bed and sort mattress, and to tell me to go sleep in the spare room while mattress dries. Don't expect me to clean up after you without a word of thanks.
You need to decide if you can learn to strategically ignore the 'getting older' noises and things. If not, part ways sooner than later.

It doesn't make any sense to be this annoyed by your spouse! Do you have any sympathy for how he's feeling or what he's going through? There's a bigger issue here and it isn't his sneezes, or those moans and groans. Clearly.

Agree x1000

He needs a maze type compartmentalised pet bowl. He will be forced to eat slower which will hopefully eliminate the excessive burping.

Seriously though, I felt like this about my ex husband for years before I couldn’t tolerate the behaviour (or him) any longer and put an end to the misery by divorcing him.

He sounds disgusting. Why on earth is he eating so fast to the point of hiccups, then lying down?! That’s just stupid. He should eat more slowly and stay upright.

I’d suggest getting his testosterone level checked. My DH has unexplained low testosterone. So low he’d almost qualify as a woman for sport. He’s on testosterone injections now. When his testosterone drops when his injection is due he experiences muscle and joint pain, which can lead to groans. He can also act a bit depressed. Sexually things don’t happen when his testosterone is low. Is your DH experiencing impotence?

OP’s DH needs to take himself off to the doctor for a check up and thorough bloods, including testosterone, vitamin D, iron studies, folate, B12, and thyroid.

Does he need a slow feeder bowl like a dog that inhales its food instead of eating it? To receive the meal in a few servings so he’s forced to pause during eating?

Record his noises. Film him. Start matching him noise for noise. Tell him to STFU and use his manners. There’s a difference between relaxing and letting it all hang out.

Whether he's ill, or not, he has poor manners and is setting a poor example for the children, presumably doesn't care.

The op's humour deserves better.

The stand-out for me is the Tesco vouchers. Why does he even know about Tesco vouchers, let alone discuss them?

If a man said that about menopausal women …

This op.

What you have described sounds like someone who really is unwell - either something gastro-intestinal or MH, or even something hormonal. But people don’t moan and groan if they are feeling good. You groan when you are in pain, or struggling, and the need to lean forward to belch really does suggest something is amiss.

I think you are trying to imply he is simply revolting, but people who are content, fulfilled, in good health and surrounded by people they want to respect them don’t stoop to this level. The occasional stray parp for comedy value, or the involuntary letting slip of a silent and violent untameable gust are normal features of close human relationships; but this is ritualistic and extreme and not normal.

I can’t decide what your actual underlying position on this is, whether you just thought it had comedy value, or whether you are more motivated in posting by a strong dislike for him, but, either way, I think you are skating over some potentially more serious issues than you are looking at head on. I think he is either physically or mentally unwell or he’s checked out of your relationship. You’re saying he’s gross, and if it’s just lack of self control then I guess I agree, but the truth is noone actively seeks to repulse someone they fancy. If it’s the latter and not medical/ MH related, you’re giving him the ick on some level too.

It doesn't make any sense to be this annoyed by your spouse! Do you have any sympathy for how he's feeling or what he's going through? There's a bigger issue here and it isn't his sneezes, or those moans and groans. Clearly

Are you actually serious???

The bloke sounds absolutely revolting and you want to blame the OP?

Crikey almighty

Well I guess some of us just don’t believe healthy, happy people ARE that revolting.

He’s also complaining of fatigue.

Many illnesses go undetected because fatigue is dismissed as laziness. I mean think back to being a child, when your joints all functioned perfectly and you had buckets of energy. There was just no incentive to claim fatigue. On the contrary, the challenge is convincing children they ARE tired.

And I don’t think people are “ blaming” op, but rather trying to point out this might not be as simple as she is implying.

I mean when all is well in your life, would you ever think “ now I shall walk away from the family meal before the others have finished, lie on the sofa and kind of vomit belches towards the floor?”

@Calliopespa then he should take some responsibility for his health and see a doctor, not expect OP to be his mummy.

I kind of agree about the burps as my dad started getting this at a similar age due to gut issues and it really upset him. He was in pain if he couldn't let the gas out and didn't like being teased about it. But he didn't sit there saying he was "relaxing" and never see a doctor.

If a man said that about menopausal women …

If a woman behaved this way do you think her husband would be just fine with it?
Do you think the posters of mumsnet would tell her go on, keep "relaxing" and burping and groaning in front of your kids and DH, you're grand, no need to sort it out for yourself or even try?

Well I guess some of us just don’t believe healthy, happy people ARE that revolting.

You're a bit naive then. Some people don't give a shit about those around them.