To hate the groans and moans

[Disagreeable]

Dh is 45. I'm 37. Dh in the last 18 months is just endless noise. I'm lying in bed right now as he's just groaning to himself. Guttural groans. His sneezes are so loud they make my toddler cry or me jump out of my skin. After dinner he lies on the sofa and then sits up and let's out a series of burps, groans and clearing of his throat for what feels like a good minute or two. He eats so quickly he hiccups during the meal so loudly but keeps eating regardless

This is combined with him never leaving the house and talking to me about prices in Tesco and whether the tyres in the car are safe (he checks them before we drive anywhere), I feel like I'm living with an elderly man. Maybe that's rude about elderly men.

I think I have the ick. I mean the word ick gives me the ick.

I have asked him to stop burping at least and he said he'd stop in frotn of the kids but he hasn't. He said I'm uptight but the constant noises is really extreme. In writing this post he has grooooooannnned about 4 times.

(Yesterday evening he had some snot hanging from his nose and honestly I felt sick).

Agree with @EdithBond , the interactions between you sound loaded and pretty toxic. Do you enjoy being with him, what are his good points, does he lift you up, at all? Or do you both despise each other and feel contempt?

@summerlovingvibes that sounds blissful.

I love being alone. I work full time, have young kids, and some good friends - life is busy. People talk about being lonely in the evenings but the thought of a quiet house with a book or a film every evening by myself sounds wonderful to me.

I realise I'm rattling on now but apart from the burps, and the groans, he also likes to watch tiktok loudly on his phone all evening/in bed.

I think maybe I would be happier alone. But my DC wouldn't. And I don't think you can justify upsetting DC because of some bodily noises!

Don't reduce it to 'bodily noises'... He is continuing to behave in a way that repulses you. Make it clear, (like you haven't already) that him continuing is harming your marriage, and making you love him less. If he's okay with that, then you've done all you can. Sure, wait it out til the kids are older if you want, but plan your future just for you. Kids grow up quick. He can make his choices, you can make yours xx

It sounds like he can't bear for you to unaware of his presence for a second, like he wants to diminish you to a mere vessel of his importance.

If your boys are old enough and interested, make it clear how repulsive woman and girls find all this. And how it will affect how attractive they are - or not - to the female sex.

I sympathise with you, OP.

is your husband working enough hours? The reason I ask is he seems to have lost connection with what is socially acceptable and more time with work colleagues/bosses may sort out.

He also appears lazy - sometimes the less people do, the lazier they get.

Also, if he’s being unpleasant when he’s at home, if he was out more working it would give you and the children the chance to relax and enjoy your home.

@Disagreeable I think maybe I would be happier alone. But my DC wouldn't. And I don't think you can justify upsetting DC because of some bodily noises!

What a load of nonsense. My parents stayed together "for the kids" and it was a horrible atmosphere. We knew our mum was unhappy and I wish so much that she'd left. We could've spent time alone with each parent.

That was you though. It isn’t true for all so I think dismissing op’s take as a load of nonsense is overkill.

You want to be alone but you feel you would be hurting your DC, that is not a reason to stay with him. He disgusts you so don’t keep flogging a dead donkey, your kids will get used to you being a single mum and will still see their dad.

Same with mine. She did eventually divorce him but I'd left home by then. Us kids wished they'd split much sooner - the atmosphere in the house was so tense and miserable, walking out was like suddenly being able to breathe fresh air.

Also with the sex - he just pulls me on top of him and just lies there.
@Disagreeable That isn't sex, it's you servicing him like a harem girl serving her master. Next time, just lie there like a dead weight, and do a few belches, coughs and phlegmy throat-clears in his face.
Seriously, you're being light-hearted about this but there's so much wrong. Not just the ridiculous noises and snot. He's a 45 year old healthy man pretending to be old and in pain. If he really is in pain he needs treatment and painkillers. But he doesn't seek treatment. And his noises are almost certainly a performance - you say he ramps up the groaning when you're in another room dealing with the kids, so he's obviously doing it to get your attention.
Why does a 45 year old never leave the house? Does he not work, or do anything else?
His comments about feminism and the menopause are horrible too.
It sounds like you've decided to stay with him, foul though he his, but just think how much worse he'll be when he really IS old. Plus he's your children's model for how men behave. It's quite possible though that when they grow up and leave home, they'll not enjoy visiting and listening to his ridiculous noises, because they'll have seen normal life outside your home. And they'll say "I don't know why Mum puts up with it".
Meanwhile, you could get rid of this useless, rude man who is determined to be old at 45, meet a nice, normal man (if you want) and have a normal, good sex life.

a little rant quickly.....he's off work this week (he does work, just not v much)....i stayed later this morning to help with DC. I got a train into my job at 9.30am (too late really as it's an hour commute into the city i work in so walking in at 10.30am isn't great).

Anyway - i sit down on the train and start working. my boss is on me straight away askign where things are (we have risk of redundancy in the team at the moment and i'm a director so lots of pressure about budgets)

30 mins into train journey i check my phone to 11 missed calls and messages from DH "PICK UP" etc.

I call back and he's shouting at me for not picking up my phone. "Your son is crying for you. Your son needs you. Why don't you pick up the phone" and puts my 3 year old on video call (he's upset about something minor) and then preceeds to be "you were on a train, too busy and important to pick up the phone" etc etc.

I messaged him telling him he's unacceptable and to not talk to me like that. He hasn't replied.

USELESS MANCHILD.

I am taking all your comments seriously by the way. It is clear something is seriously wrong. Maybe he just doesn't like/love me anymore. He doesn't act like he does.

I do feel validated that finding burps and groans and his constant complaints are difficult to live with, and that i shouldn't just grin and bear it.

There’s a lot of pressure on women to keep the family together. That pressure works very well for men like your husband.

In different circumstances you wouldn’t allow a man like your husband around your boys. Would you take your son to a nursery where his teacher behaved like that? A sports club? Of course you wouldn’t. The harm isn’t decreased because it’s their father doing it, it’s increased.

I stayed far too long for my children. There’s not a medal at the end. Just the awful realisation that the children were affected by it and it’s too late to do anything about it.

Going off your last update, he’s not even capable of looking after your son for an hour .

This is awful, I would be furious. Really sounds like the noises are the tip of the iceberg- everything you describe seems designed to upset and undermine you, including using your kids as pawns. People have asked what his good qualities are- does he have any? You say you’re staying for the kids but what you describe sounds awful for the kids.

Again, who the fuck does he think he's talking to?? I'd be having very stern words with him when I get home.

He's an adult, surely he can cope with his own children without causing such a fuss 🙄

I'd suggest he gets checked for gallbladder issues or dairy intolerance. I have both and am awaiting gallbladder removal but am unable to control my burps- and they hurt at times and sound like very big beer burps despite me being tiny. It's embarrassing and thankfully my DH is incredibly sweet and supportive and doesn't take to the internet to grumble about me... or maybe he does and I just don't know Definitely talk to your DH and don't assume he's the peak of health just because he's slim, burping suggests there's a gastric issue somewhere for the poor fella.

To be honest oP I think this is one of those posts that isn’t about the thread title. You and I both touched in this in our different ways above, namely that posts on here are here because there generally is something going on that the poster needs support with, and increasingly I find it’s not always the thing they ostensibly post about.

If your DH was kind, thoughtful, hard-working, respectful generally but groaned when he moved sometimes and after a meal needed to lie down and lean forward to belch, would you be disgusted or would you be concerned about your loving DH and anxious for him to get medical help? The noises are what you chose to construct a post around, but as it’s gone on it’s become clear that objection is c a symptom not a cause of your disgust. Sone of us started out reading it as a good relationship with a belching issue, but that isn’t really the thread topic I don’t think… it’s a minor issue in the mix. The reason you aren’t worried about him medically is because the noises are just a manifestation of a much bigger problem.

My FIL is coming for Xmas dinner this year and he does this. It enrages me. But, saint that I am, I will endure it for one day.

Why did you feel you had to stay late to help him with the dc?

It’s really alarming he didn’t comfort your son and made it your problem.

But you're not upset bc of some bodily noises. You're upset bc he does things that upset/annoy you despite knowing that they do and instead twists and gaslights you into thinking you are the problem.

99% of posters here have agreed that he's disgusting and disrespectful and that they wouldn't be ok with his behaviour.

Playing loud tiktok videos in bed late at night whilst you are trying to get to sleep is completely selfish and nasty. He literally doesn't give a shit does he? I don't look on my phone in bed at all once we've retired for the night bc I know it annoys dh to have screens on in the bedroom.

You sound really unhappy.

Spot on again @Calliopespa

God, just read your updates.

Hes a twat of the highest order - and the scales have fallen from your eyes which is why you've started this thread.

He utterly resents you - he's clearly so embittered by your success and the fact he knows you don't need him.

It's plain as day.

Are you supposed to be in two places at once?! How are you supposed to be the ‘provider’ and concentrate on your work and be with your child, primary problem solver etc?

As others have said, this is so much more than the post originally looked to be. Complete one sided relationship and not healthy at all.

I would be humoring him and making a solid plan to get away from him and build a life without him.
The reason for humouring him is so that he doesn't realize you're going to leave, because if he does he will do whatever he can to stop you, he won't want to lose his sugar mummy.
I don't think it's worth having it out with him he's not going to change, keep him sweet for now to make it easier to escape him.