To hate the groans and moans

[Disagreeable]

Dh is 45. I'm 37. Dh in the last 18 months is just endless noise. I'm lying in bed right now as he's just groaning to himself. Guttural groans. His sneezes are so loud they make my toddler cry or me jump out of my skin. After dinner he lies on the sofa and then sits up and let's out a series of burps, groans and clearing of his throat for what feels like a good minute or two. He eats so quickly he hiccups during the meal so loudly but keeps eating regardless

This is combined with him never leaving the house and talking to me about prices in Tesco and whether the tyres in the car are safe (he checks them before we drive anywhere), I feel like I'm living with an elderly man. Maybe that's rude about elderly men.

I think I have the ick. I mean the word ick gives me the ick.

I have asked him to stop burping at least and he said he'd stop in frotn of the kids but he hasn't. He said I'm uptight but the constant noises is really extreme. In writing this post he has grooooooannnned about 4 times.

(Yesterday evening he had some snot hanging from his nose and honestly I felt sick).

Isn't it more likely that he just lets himself go because he feels comfortable at home. I suppose you could say that this comfort is disrespectful to you. I'm not trying to stick up for him, but the theory that he's doing it as a way of getting at you because you earn more than him seems hard to swallow.

Mine sneezes without covering his mouth, despite me asking to for a long time.

I don't know what it's all about @GoldsolesLugs But he can be a dickhead.

For example I've just been in the garden on my lunchbreak to fix the garden fence. He's not working this week. I came in to tell him I've struggled to fix it properly.

He said:

"Now, another husband might helpfully suggest he would go out to take a look himself but given you're such a strong feminist type, I wouldn't want to patronise you and go out and help"

Cue lots of laughing. He wont go out there so I'll back out there tomorrow.

So the thought he is burping to wind me up isn't unthinkable

Your observation was entirely reasonable but this isn’t how MN works.

The rules are: someone starts thread which might be anything from my husband has had an affair with my mother, stolen all the money from our joint account plus the car and emigrated with mum leaving me eight months pregnant and with 16 children at one end of the scale to my husband prefers action films whereas I like romantic comedy at the other.

Either way, sooner or later the following assertions must be made: he’s a misogynist, he’s a narc, he’s abusive, you can do better, you will be happier without him, the children will be happier without him, have some self-respect, what is wrong with you for putting up with this, then a string of various expletives to describe him, then kick him to the kerb, and finally LTB ( leave the bugger). The speed at which this plays out depends on how close to the goal posts ( LTB) the op words the original post. But that’s the object of the game. It’s a literary genre.

Ha, fair enough - if he says stuff like that then I wouldn't put anything past him. You do sound desperately unhappy though. Is that right or is it just a "having a vent" sort of thread?

OP, what exactly attracted you to this dickhead in the beginning?

He’s being as obnoxious as he can to see what he can get away with. He’s pushing you as far as he can, safe in the knowledge that nothing he can do will make you leave him.

Seriously, I think you need to get out before your life becomes even more miserable. I would leave him without a second thought.

How is everything else, op? It almost sounds like he's deliberately trying to drive you away.

That’s gross too! My daughter has a real thing about this and would be absolutely furious and have to leave the room! There’s actually a condition for people that have this phobia 😂

There’s been plenty of funny comments, people sharing their own experiences on this thread, yours isn’t one of them.

It amused me.

It sound like he openly dislikes you and loves upsetting you 🤷‍♀️

As is usually the case on these threads, the issue posted such as burping and being revolting is simply the cusp of much bigger issues. I can't imagine my dh ever letting me go out and fix the fence on my own and laughing about it, and I'm a sahm who has a lot more spare time than him. I think a pp hit the nail on the head - he resents the fact you're "better" than him, you earn more, get on with and do stuff he should be doing by and act in a normal, respectful manner. He feels emasculated but instead of changing his ways and stepping up he's gaslighting you that you are the problem. I bet he's the type of dad who rousts the dc's up into a lather by play fighting with them etc before they go to bed?

Its all designed to upset you OP - no wonder you have the Ick. And it'll just get worse from here on in, how can you love and respect someone who treats you with contempt?

🙄

that’s why I said it plays out in different ways how many women are far more assertive and care less what others think, interests often change life changes more time to yourself

we change as we get older I never said it’s all negative…

I guess that’s all that matters.

I've read all your responses and Christ OP, he sounds absolutely insufferable 😬

This must be more common than I thought😂perhaps they are aware but just don’t care🤔

this made me smile @Calliopespa and it is accurate.

I guess conversation often ends up like that as if you're driven to post on MN and get reassurance/sympathy/advice/validation from a bunch of anonymous usernames -it's because you're often feeling a bit desperate.

My husband groaning and moaning in bed, snotting on the pillow, burping in front of my kids, and who thinks foreplay is some sort of board game....I don't know what to do about it - and it feels like rage and disgust and i have no where to turn other than to write a slightly funny/tragic post on MN to get some relief.

There are millions of women who have found the reasonable & respectful men and settled down with them. Well done to them. But I imagine lots of them aren't posting about burps at midnight on a Sunday.

Thanks for telling me the rules! I was thinking of OP's relationship in more cinematic that literary terms - a small screen tale of domestic misery like something that Mike Leigh might have made in the 70s.

My feelings have changed throughout this thread (and it has been quite the rollercoaster), but I've landed on feeling really sorry for you. You sound like your DH's awfulness has snuck up on you - like the proverbial boiled frog and I appreciate that the bodily functions are just the tip of an unpleasant iceberg.
Is there no way you can get out?

I think you just don’t like him that much. DH woke me up this morning with a massive fart but I just laughed 😂

He is not the "provider". I am
And this is why he cannot contain his contempt for you ** .
You have humiliated him by earning more than him and he has to punish you for it, he has to denigrate you by belching and farting at you in order to put you beneath him where you belong.

This, all of this. It’s the frog in boiling water syndrome. Can you imagine telling people who know you both what he’s like in private, @Disagreeable , or would it be too shaming? I really hope you can either have a productive conversation with him, or find a way out. He doesn’t sound nice to live with.

I read that as "talk about rams." 😂

I would be so annoyed if my partner woke me up to talk about rams! I'd be all "Go and watch Countryfile!" 🤣

I think this is key- none of these behaviours would be a deal-breaker in the context of a happy marriage. It's the unhappiness that's the issue, for both parties it sounds like.

A total coincidence too that many contributors to these threads all refer to exes and/or now being single. But they’re definitely happy about that. Definitely.

Phobia of slurping. Wow. I wonder what your annoying little tick is?

For what it's worth Op if either me or my DP break wind we both laugh and blame the floorboards but, and this bit is important, neither of us believe it's OK to be rude or ignorant to each other. My DP makes me tea every morning and I say thank you, I clean the kitchen and he says thank you, just because you've been together a long time doesn't mean that manners or consideration are things of the past. If you love someone you show it, you don't behave like you can do as you like and they'll suck it up