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Original poster

To hate the groans and moans

674 replies

Disagreeable · 15/12/2024 23:10

Dh is 45. I'm 37. Dh in the last 18 months is just endless noise. I'm lying in bed right now as he's just groaning to himself. Guttural groans. His sneezes are so loud they make my toddler cry or me jump out of my skin. After dinner he lies on the sofa and then sits up and let's out a series of burps, groans and clearing of his throat for what feels like a good minute or two. He eats so quickly he hiccups during the meal so loudly but keeps eating regardless

This is combined with him never leaving the house and talking to me about prices in Tesco and whether the tyres in the car are safe (he checks them before we drive anywhere), I feel like I'm living with an elderly man. Maybe that's rude about elderly men.

I think I have the ick. I mean the word ick gives me the ick.

I have asked him to stop burping at least and he said he'd stop in frotn of the kids but he hasn't. He said I'm uptight but the constant noises is really extreme. In writing this post he has grooooooannnned about 4 times.

(Yesterday evening he had some snot hanging from his nose and honestly I felt sick).

OP posts:
fedup33 · 16/12/2024 09:47

" coming down with something", go right ahead and be down with it.

Cryingatthegym · 16/12/2024 09:50

YANBU. My ex used to constantly fart and burp loudly, it was disgusting and both the noises and the smells grossed me out so much. He wouldn't stop and would have a go at me if I ever raised it or expressed my displeasure. I'm so glad I don't have to live with that anymore.

Username2532 · 16/12/2024 09:51

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 16/12/2024 00:10

And we wonder why men refuse to admit to feeling poorly and seeing a doctor.

If they do admit feeling poorly they are called pathetic man children. If they don’t admit it but groan, hiccup, burp, need to lie down, are tired all the time and are in obvious physical discomfort then they are foul and disgusting pigs.

Really. The description is not of a man in good health at all.

Someone who goes around huffing and puffing, groaning, that’s not really being a martyr is it.It’s quiet telling he’s only doing this front of his wife and child.If it was involuntary, it would be the same in front of family and friends.

Nothatgingerpirate · 16/12/2024 09:52

Nothatgingerpirate · 16/12/2024 09:41

Oh dear. 45 only.
Sorry, OP, description sounds horrible.
My 75 yo husband makes noises too, obviously, but not ick giving.
🙁

Fuck me, just read all your updates and some of the posts.
I'm a bit older than you, whether relevant or not, but I couldn't have any respect to a man like that.
As others say, it's a choice.
My husband definitely doesn't choose to be a 🐷
to relax.

SybilTheSpy · 16/12/2024 09:56

KnittyNell · 16/12/2024 08:49

So you mean just being alive basically!

Show quote history

I'm not completely intolerant.

I will allow:

2 sniffs an hour.
1 throat clearing in the morning (of no longer than 2 seconds)
1 fart (as long as it's not too smelly and not accompanied by a 'wahey')
3 sneezes (as long as not too wall shakingly dramatic)

Username2532 · 16/12/2024 09:59

Cryingatthegym · 16/12/2024 09:50

YANBU. My ex used to constantly fart and burp loudly, it was disgusting and both the noises and the smells grossed me out so much. He wouldn't stop and would have a go at me if I ever raised it or expressed my displeasure. I'm so glad I don't have to live with that anymore.

Yes, would of grossed me out as well, l also couldn’t be with someone like that.It just shows a lack of respect, manners, don’t care attitude.Bet he didn’t do this at the start of the relationship.

Calliopespa · 16/12/2024 10:06

SybilTheSpy · 16/12/2024 09:56

I'm not completely intolerant.

I will allow:

2 sniffs an hour.
1 throat clearing in the morning (of no longer than 2 seconds)
1 fart (as long as it's not too smelly and not accompanied by a 'wahey')
3 sneezes (as long as not too wall shakingly dramatic)

Show quote history

Please don’t tell me you actually keep a tally … A fart tally.

AnonymousBleep · 16/12/2024 10:09

Sorry, I'd be out. I couldn't stand that either!

TheWeeDonkeyFella · 16/12/2024 10:11

Disagreeable · 16/12/2024 08:57

He doesn't do it in front of other ppl. We are with family on Christmas and he 100% will not burp in front of them. He tells me he can control it but he likes being comfortable and he likes the way it feels to lean forward and burp after a big meal.

Pls don't make me feel bad for posting this on the Internet. Ppl say all sorts about their own parents, siblings or partners to therapists or in anonymous Internet forums - as my own DH would say - surely, "better out than in"

His famiky are the same. FiL will leave table when he wants. Uncle burps while speaking without missing a beat. They all just say "manners" afterwards.

I'm glad I made some of you smile. I was posting while he was lying next to me....A heaving one man band of bodily noises....and it was posting on the Internet or running into the garden screaming.

Don't feel bad about posting OP, he doesn't sound ill just rude and disrespectful.

Username2532 · 16/12/2024 10:11

KnittyNell · 16/12/2024 08:49

So you mean just being alive basically!

Show quote history

I don’t go round burping, breaking wind, bringing up phlegm, leaving snot hanging from my nose etc, so no, maybe that’s what you do, if you think that’s called being alive! It’s just being completely disrespectful to the people around you.

AnonymousBleep · 16/12/2024 10:13

Seriously, though, why do some men once married expect that 'for better for worse' or whatever equivalent is said in the marriage vows means that their wives have to put up with them becoming disgusting slobs and tedious bores rolled into one? Then seem surprised when their wife no longer wants to have sex with them.

wfhwfh · 16/12/2024 10:19

EdithBond · 16/12/2024 09:36

Hmm. If you talk to him calmly and reasonably about how you feel and he responds by making a joke out of it, turns victim or mocks you while simultaneously disrespecting your mother, you have a bigger problem.

And someone who repeatedly behaves badly in front of his kids and repeatedly says sorry, isn’t sorry at all and is teaching them how to behave, in the way he seems to have learned from his family (“manners”). Apologies aren’t a word, they’re an action. Either you’re genuinely sorry (i.e. can see the problem and want to do something about it) or you’re not.

You need a serious talk. He might think being so disrespectful to you and your family is acceptable (learned?) behaviour. But it’s really not acceptable. I strongly suggest you make that very clear to him.

Adults can relax without being inconsiderate and unattractive. It’s your home too. His attitude seems patriarchal: a man’s need to feel comfortable in his home trumps a women’s need to feel comfortable in her home. If he wants to groan and burp, he can find an empty room to do it in.

Show quote history

This is spot on - it’s a very patriarchal attitude of the man being “King of his home” such that he can behave how he likes and his wife and children must accommodate his will as he’s the “provider” and reason they have a home. In the same vein, a man has no obligation to keep himself clean or hygienic for his wife as she should just be grateful to have a husband.

This does not cut it in 2024 (thank heavens) and this underlying attitude is even more nauseating than the actual belching and performative snottering

NotquitewhatImeant · 16/12/2024 10:22

No answers here but lots of sympathy. My DH started doing this at 40 with throat clearing, coughing and sniffing. Absolutely nothing wrong with him it’s just a habit - also comes with groaning. Drives me absolutely insane.

TheDogsMother · 16/12/2024 10:24

Disagreeable · 15/12/2024 23:34

@BigPorker he was asking me about our Tesco clubcard points when his nose was dripping, and honestly - death has never felt closer.

Oh God nooooooo 😂😂😂

Daleksatemyshed · 16/12/2024 10:24

He's learnt bad manners from his family but keeps them just for you Op, how lovely. Pouting when you complain is pathetic, then he makes no effort in bed either, at this rate he'll have no sex life and really have something to whinge about.
Send him to the Dr, they'll probably tell him it's his own bad habits causing the wind

ManchesterLu · 16/12/2024 10:24

To be honest it sounds to me like he's always been like this, but you've just got to the end of your tether with it, so you're noticing it more. FWIW it sounds annoying as fuck. I couldn't deal with it.

mogtheexcellent · 16/12/2024 10:27

My husband does this. It started after the birth of DD and I soon realised its attention seeking and have learnt to ignore it. DD is now 10 and tells him to shut up.

PinkyFlamingo · 16/12/2024 10:27

Does he work?

Annabella92 · 16/12/2024 10:30

"He was always regurgitating food and leaving small pieces on surfaces."

@permanently I beg your pardon, but WHAT?!!

turkeypasty · 16/12/2024 10:32

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 15/12/2024 23:22

Oh God he sounds horrific. Sorry @Disagreeable You have my deepest pity. If he isn't stopping these dreadful ways, I would be getting my ducks in a row tbh. I couldn't stay married to him. Not helpful sorry!

That's a bit extreme though don't you think? Surely noone breaks up over something like this!

PearPartridge · 16/12/2024 10:34

Calliopespa · 16/12/2024 10:06

Please don’t tell me you actually keep a tally … A fart tally.

Show quote history

Very obvious that poster was joking

LazyArsedMagician · 16/12/2024 10:36

Disagreeable · 16/12/2024 09:19

@EdithBond he responds by making a joke out of it. The only thing that works is if I talk about the kids copying him and burping at school - hence him saying he would stop in front of the kids. Which he hasn't really. But he says "sorry" now if he does a big burp in front of DC.

If I say I find it unattractive he will become v hurt and pout at me and say how mean and cold I am that I don't let him relax if his own home. He also says I'm turning into my mother.....

If I say I find it unattractive he will become v hurt and pout at me and say how mean and cold I am that I don't let him relax if his own home. He also says I'm turning into my mother.....

It's this that would enrage me. What he's saying is, he's allowed to behave however he likes and if it upsets you, so what, so long as it doesn't upset him, he doesn't care.

I would be straight with him. It's making you feel revolted and that WILL translate to your attraction to him, the ball is so firmly in his court - either he can pout and continue being disgusting, or he can tone it back.

Counter his "mean and cold" with "so me just existing with your disgusting behaviour is warmth is it?". I couldn't cope with this.

fedup33 · 16/12/2024 10:41

I'm pretty sure I slurp my coffee. I have caught people looking at me. Perhaps we are all doing these things?

Yankadoodledoo · 16/12/2024 10:41

Somethings going on isnt, something not nice. Because he is deliberately making himself as unattractive as possible while playing the victim when you raise it. It’s actually quite controlling.

I would come down hard because it’s not fair on the kids. I would make him eat separately and like fuck he would be lay on my sofa making disgusting noises like that. Send him upstairs.I also wouldn’t have sex with someone who makes no effort.

Ask him if wants a divorce. Because that’s what will happen eventually. Shit sex and a revolting dirty old man is only going to get one result.

Original poster
Disagreeable · 16/12/2024 10:43

wfhwfh · 16/12/2024 10:19

This is spot on - it’s a very patriarchal attitude of the man being “King of his home” such that he can behave how he likes and his wife and children must accommodate his will as he’s the “provider” and reason they have a home. In the same vein, a man has no obligation to keep himself clean or hygienic for his wife as she should just be grateful to have a husband.

This does not cut it in 2024 (thank heavens) and this underlying attitude is even more nauseating than the actual belching and performative snottering

Show quote history

He is not the "provider". I am.

But I do agree that honestly I think it's about entitlement and patriarchy. Which he would scoff at/grunt at......but he makes me feel that me 'complaining' is me being uptight/unhappy woman - 'just like my mother'.

it's not like he has any sympathy for me. i had a couple of spots on my chin and said 'i wonder if this is hormonal changes now i'm getting closer to 40' and he said 'fuck me, i cannot believe i'm going to have to deal with you during the menopause at some point, you're emotional enough as it is'

OP posts: