To think we mums are utterly exhausted as it does take a village

[Namechsnger]

I was listening to a podcast where women were discussing the actual reason why modern day mums are absolutely exhausted cause raising a child was never a one or 2 people job but it was supported by whole extended family, lots of family members used to live together and support each other in raising children, that's what family was about. On top of that women used to stay home and not work which meant focusing solely on home and children, which I think would be easier to do than juggling home, kids and a job.
I am utterly exhausted with 2 children - a toddler and newborn and so are all my friends who have 2 children. People with one seem to be doing okay but still juggling all the plates.
I think this explains the ever slumping fertility rates in the West. Sigh!

No, thanks. Where you see a 'village' I see interfering, busy-bodying, nosiness and infringing on my space.

I'm a single mother (but one child, not two, so there's that), work full time. Child's father out of the picture since she was 3, no contact, no help or maintenance. No family around, all abroad.

And I couldn't be happier, don't find it difficult at all and never did.

I grew up in a sort of 'village'. Yes, as a child it was ok enough, but I do remember various people/friends/grandparents/relatives in and out of the house, me being palmed off to this aunt or that grandparent, everyone having their own set of rules to adhere to, everyone having an opinion how I'm supposed to be dressed, fed, parented, when should I sleep, what should I read, etc etc. It sounds worse than it is, they did love me and for me it was fine. But it drove my mother crazy and would drive me crazy as a mum myself now.

Equally I don't want to devote my time and help anyone all the time. Occasionally - sure, but not like the above.

So no. I don't want a village. In fact, I deliberately moved to another continent to avoid said 'village'.

I was the village for a sibling when they had young kids. They did nothing to help me when I became a mother despite their kids being much older and far less dependent.
Now I’m dealing with a stroppy teen and a very needy elderly mum and the same sibling isn’t much use.
Some people like using the village but don’t want to be the village.

@AlmostFingDone beautifully put - having a village often comes with strings attached - which is fine so long as it isn't all one way traffic

the actual reason why modern day mums are absolutely exhausted cause raising a child was never a one or 2 people job but it was supported by whole extended family, lots of family members used to live together and support each other in raising children, that's what family was about

When are you claiming this happened ?

I don't disagree with the thinking that the more support networks any of us have, the easier life becomes, but I think your OP - or the podcast you are referring to is making some massive generalisations there.

With one child anyone can do it tbh…..

I think it depends on the age of the parents as well. I had my 2 in my early 20s, whereas now it's common to have children in your 30s and 40s, when you have less stamina, and parents are getting older which sometimes means they don't have the health and strength to help with childcare.

When my daughters had their children they were both in their 30s, after finishing degrees. I don't have a degree but nowadays it seems you need a degree for almost every job, so it pushes parenthood back even further.

People choose to have multible children children and villages work both ways so you will need to help in the village yourself as well as get help

And would people as busy as you have time to help?

So people make choices that mean thry are exhausted and other people with things going on in their own lives have to help?

The people saying ‘people want a village but don’t to be the village’ are exactly right. I think it’s also true to say ‘people who had a village don’t want to be the village’. When I was a kid in the 90s it was extremely common to see grandparents at the school gates more often than parents. My nan provided SO much childcare for my parents. My other gran, who was quite frail and elderly, would still have me to stay for entire weekends from when I was about 7/8. Now there seems to be much less enthusiasm from grandparents to chip in and the MN attitude is often ‘they’ve done their time’, even though those people benefitted hugely from contributions from their own parents when they were in the trenches.

I used to help my sister with her children and would babysit them often. One day she messaged me saying she would be late as she needed to go shopping I said no problem and asked her to pick up some milk for me while she was at the supermarket, she said no. I never babysat again. To this day she thinks it's very unfair that because I don't have children I have lots of free time and use none of it to babysit her children but she doesn't acknowledge why.

Very similar story here with me and my siblings. Now I live far away and they moan constantly that I’m not there to babysit their kids. I did loads of it when they were young but the first time I needed help from them, it was “too busy with family”.

They say it’s massively unfair that they don’t have a village but they won’t do a single thing for anyone outside their nuclear family. I’ve seen the same thing with colleagues and friends too. Everyone wants a village but very few want to actually contribute to one.

Boomers have no interest in a village unless it serves them. The generations before helped each other - hopefully we will again in the future.

I agree. I have friends from different traditional families, of different cultures, and they all have MUCH more supportive families - much more common for multiple family members to live together as well.

In my experience they really didn’t- I’m sure some did (same as now) but it isn’t a generational thing

Exactly, so many here viewing the past with rose tinted glasses. We roamed the area all day long weren't chauffeured from activity to activity, pampered and cosseted. So many soft, anxious baby teens nowadays, scared of their shadow. Let children join in with chores it won't kill them

I think as above, those who had the village either don’t want to be the village, or can’t because they are still working themselves. Also we parent much more intensely now as kids no longer just play outside all day.
I get very occasional babysitting from grandparents who are both retired, but we’ve always had to rely on nurseries and wrap around care for our kids.
I don’t begrudge it but it is tough when they are little. It gets easier as they get older.

I come from such a culture and most of the women are suicidal living with their bossy inlaws.
Extremely rose tinted view here of multi generational living. Its horrible

I think nowadays those who talk about "it takes a village" really mean it takes someone to babysit so you can work, go out etc, not something where they muck in to help others, it all seems very one sided now

It’s great that women are no longer expected to stay at home and look after the children but the problem is that family life really works best if someone is focusing on that, preferably while being supported by wider family as it is unpaid drudgery a lot of the time! We’ve got to the point where nobody seems to want to do the home stuff and both parents want to / have to work, but still all the other stuff needs doing. Sadly it seems a lot of men still work as if they have a stay at home wife/mother when in reality the poor woman is doing it all and having to work as well. This is not progress!

All of that. 'it takes a village' refers to neighbourhoods looking out for each other, not extended family. When I was a kid, neighbours would give us mild tellings off, but would also look out for our safety, and let us in their houses etc. Most Mumsnetters would be horrified by that now.

And yes, as pp's have said, it's now all about 'our little family' and posters complaining about grandparents and relatives feeling 'entitled' to visit them or be visited.

You can't cherry pick from 'the village'. It comes with responsibilities, too.

You’ve hit the nail on the head. Some people think a village means getting free babysitters, and presents for their kids.

However, if you mention anything about how they’re raising their child or try to (verbally) discipline their kid or suggest that you visit them at the weekends when it’s just time for their “little family” the village suddenly doesn’t exist.

I agree that it's exhausting having no help and being the sole one to carry the load. But I don't recognise the world you long for where women stayed home and just focused on their children. Even my great, great grandmother had a job, as well as children and other responsibilities. And women with multiple children often relied on older children to help look after younger children.

My parents live 3 hours away and my inlaws live in another country, so I'm trying to form a bit of a village with some other mums in similar situations. We socialise regularly so kids know the other grownups and we've all looked after each others kids, helped out at the last minute etc. The difficulties for me are working/using after school club four days a week and living a bit further away from school than the other families. I'd happily have the kids' friends round more but it doesn't really work after school atm.

On top of that women used to stay home and not work which meant focusing solely on home and children, which I think would be easier to do than juggling home, kids and a job.

This has never been the case for working class and/or poor women as a class.

Why have more than one child if that is too difficult to cope with ?

The friends I mention are all v relaxed and happy and see themselves as lucky, but of course nothing is 100%

Multi-generational family living can take different forms - it doesn't always mean living with your in laws. And not always horrible

My good friend who was born brought up and had her first baby in a traditional family compound in MENA greatly enjoyed and sorely missed her extended family when she had her second baby alone in a semi in the home counties

Her mental health and wellbeing never really recovered until she returned home