To think we mums are utterly exhausted as it does take a village

[Namechsnger]

I was listening to a podcast where women were discussing the actual reason why modern day mums are absolutely exhausted cause raising a child was never a one or 2 people job but it was supported by whole extended family, lots of family members used to live together and support each other in raising children, that's what family was about. On top of that women used to stay home and not work which meant focusing solely on home and children, which I think would be easier to do than juggling home, kids and a job.
I am utterly exhausted with 2 children - a toddler and newborn and so are all my friends who have 2 children. People with one seem to be doing okay but still juggling all the plates.
I think this explains the ever slumping fertility rates in the West. Sigh!

I thought you were talking about women currently in their 50s and 60s.

No, sorry, that was my fault, just poorly phrased.

Get you now x

I completely agree. I am a sahm. Dh has a very good job which enables me to focus solely on the house & dc. I would not be able to manage the dc & household otherwise, my family are in a different country & aftershool is very expensive. I will go back to work part time when the dc are older but right now this works for us as a family.

Edited to say if my family were close by I would absolutely be working as I loved my job . My mother has always said she would have loved to have helped with childcare.

Totally need a village, but that comes with compromise. How many threads have we read about posters advising people to withhold contact with a grandparent because they disciplined the child, or gave it something to eat they didn't like, or weren't giving them enough attention.

If you’re part of the village you don’t get “your time”. That’s the point. You care for others until you need to be cared for, and then they care for you. That’s how the village works. You feel that you’ve done your time and that’s fair enough, you’re opting out of the village. It may well work both ways if/when you need support in older age.

My experience is entirely anecdotal, as is yours, but I am at an age now where many of my friends have little children, are really struggling and their parents, who had a ton of help, are providing very little support. In some cases distance is a factor but in many it’s a lack of will. In my (entirely anecdotal) experience, that is much more common than (grand)parents who had no help at all stepping into the breach to take on childcare responsibilities.

Absolutely agree with this. Also, what were people contributing to the village other than childcare before and during having children, were they supporting the elderly? And those who were ill?

I feel like the call 'where's my village' is often from people who want free babysitting but have provided no labour contribution to the village prior to them deciding they want help. And when their children are older and life is easier they will disappear and they will give no support to the village. It's not 'my' village it's the village which requires ongoing active participation.

A lot of comments on here about needing to "be" a village before you can "have" a village, and that our reluctance to do so (particualrly for our older relatives) is part of the problem. I don't disagree, but I also think both parents working full time is a huge barrier to this. I'm not selfish or precious about my time, but I really only have so much of it! By the time I finish work at 6, it's dinner, bath and bed for DD, then an hour or two of housework, then a shower and bed. At the weekends we're usually scrambling to get DD to her swimming lessons and a social event (she's an only child so we try to make sure she always does something at the weekend with another child), and then doing whatever DIY/gardening project we're currently tackling, and then a visit to grandparents. It really doesn't leave a lot of time for being someone's village. I hope I can do so when my daughter is older, because I will hopefully remember how tough this stage was and how exhausted I am all the time!

I'm so pleased you didn't babysit again. Not having children doesn't mean other people are entitled to decide what you do with your time. I bet she wishes she got you that milk now.

The whole point of being the village before you have a village is to be the village before you have children.

@LoveRicePudding · Today 07:26

Also, no or rare access to contraception and the general feeling that a woman's role is to breed children means that many of them go from pregnancy to pregnancy with brief breaks in between. You see those women in their 50s or 60s and they look very old.

I can only assume typo here! You claim that women who were young teens/women in the 1980s, didn't have access to contraception?! WTAF?😆

The birth control pill has been around since the 1960s, and condoms for a lot longer than that!

Where on earth do you live where women in their 50s and 60s look very old, after going from pregnancy to pregnancy, because of no access to contraception?! This situation is completely alien to me, (in my 50s,) and anyone I know.

You don't just start being the village when you have kids, though, the whole point is that it's supposed to be a continuous cycle of never-ending "support".

Ha, x-post @Skyrainlight !

Had that discussion with a previous poster, sorry if I won’t repeat myself.

My impression from MN is that no one actually wants a village, they want childcare they don't have to pay for but also want to behave like they are paying customers. You can't micromanage a village if you want to retain good will. Banning your child from playdates at houses where chicken nuggets might occasionally be served because you don't want your child to eat UPF isn't the way to go about it.

100%.

Nobody on here could actually handle having a "village" because it would mean losing control.

Oh no. How WILL I cope? 🙄

I lived in a different country when one of my DC was tiny..No family. No friends. DH working long hours. But I made friends with school gate mums- also expats- and we helped each other out with childcare. That was a village but everyone in it contributed.

On MN usually all school gate mums are " clicky", " bitchy", "judgy" or " queen bees".. Nobody wants to make friends at the school gate. Or indeed anywhere!

But at the same time everyone wants a village.

Some parents have babies when they are hitting on 50s i can see why they are exhausted.

These days a village doesn’t happen because more women are working. Grandparents have worked hard, they are now enjoying retirement and might not feel like prioritising childcare. It’s sad, but also we have to remember we aren’t entitled. They are our children who we chose to bring into the world, they are our responsibility. I had a horrendous c section recovery, my husband is amazing and does more than his ‘fair share’ but nobody has helped us, dropped off food, cleaned, done washing etc. she’s my first baby, but my sister in law had a baby (her 3rd) 5 weeks later and the in laws are always round there helping her, and won’t make time for us. We’ve just had to get over it. Sleep training (Ferber method) has saved us, so I’d suggest that so you grab some time back for yourselves and some better sleep at night!

@FOJN yep -

My mum had a baby sitting club. Half hour tickets and you earned baby sitting tickets by doing sitting and spent them on people baby sitting for you. Wasn’t a whole village but it meant they could have a night out every now and then.

I don't want to be part of a 'village' though. That's my point. I didn't have one when I was raising my children. Both sets of parents were an hour or more away and we had no practical help whatsoever. Rearing three children, working fulltime and studying on top of that at times, has taken all I have to give. Still supporting my adult children, and still working fulltime. Both sets of parents are long dead, and only needed cared for in one case for a few months, while the others did not. I want to live my life for me for a bit.

I don't want my kids' support in older age either. I will pay for any care I need.

I am likely to be late 60s/70s when my children have their own families, and I am absolutely not doing childcare. I don't think I'd be physically fit enough even now.

I read this recently:

"According to a US survey of 2,000 mothers of children aged five to 12, the average mother works the equivalent of 98 hours per week, or 2.5 full-time jobs."

Not surprising we're so tired.

A lot of women didn’t have help at all though, my mum had seven and lost seven within a ten year period and had no help really until she met my dad (stepfather). She had a nervous breakdown in the end and always a very tough life, grandparents didn’t live too far away but gave no support, although expected my mum to help them when they were in need. I do think it is really hard going on mothers though trying to keep on top of everything, I only had one but worked about 38 hours a week and felt like I was just treading water, always forgetting something or other (very disorganised by nature)