Birthday gift from the in-laws

[ProbablyNutsTBH]

Bit of background info: My in-laws are perfectly lovely people. They really love mine and their sons 13mo baby & would see him ALL the time if they could. For some reason, probably cos I’m potentially unhinged, I wouldn’t mind if they only saw him once a month or less. Ultimately they see him about once a week. Which is not enough for them & so Once it’s been 6 days mine and their sons phones are blowing up until we visit them or have them around.

anyway, it was my birthday recently & they were very keen to come over and give me some gifts (aka see their grandson). The gift is a handwritten “voucher” for a night in a hotel near a wildlife park a couple hours away that DH, DS & I have a membership pass to, along with dinner for two for DH and I ….
With “on-site” babysitting at the hotel.
As in, on site babysitting by MIL&FIL.
As in, they will also be coming to the wildlife park… & staying at the same hotel with us.
So they have essentially gifted me the birthday present of a night away with them, so they can have a holiday with their grandson. It just seems so disingenuous/underhanded?
The offer to pay for dinner for two at the hotel is kind, but in context it feels like it’s tacked on as some sort of trojan horse/ so they can justify it as being a “birthday gift”.. like why not just offer us a voucher for dinner for two without the other bullshit? And I can get my own mum to babysit or have options in that regards?

I’m not upset because I want a better gift of course. They could give me a toblerone as a birthday gift and I’d be appreciative… I genuinely wouldn’t give a rats arse if they didn’t give me a birthday present at all, and in fact I’d MUCH prefer that over them roping us into going away with them & acting like it’s a gift “for me”.
I also don’t think this is a “bad” gift in general- if it was a joint family gift for their son & I for Christmas or something, I wouldn’t think that much of it. But for a birthday gift for me personally it feels especially odd.

TL;DR in-laws, who constantly ask to babysit my 13mo & are pretty obsessive over him, gave ‘me’ a birthday gift- a ‘voucher’ to go with them to a wildlife park (that DH, DS & I already have yearlong entry pass to- a gift from my parents), then spend the night with them at a nearby hotel where theyll shout me and their son dinner at the hotel, while they babysit my baby. I feel like they’re being manipulative, im pissed off about it. I also realise my judgement might be clouded.

AIBU in thinking that this is pretty bizarre & manipulative/underhanded? Are they just being lovely & offering a lovely opportunity for me, DH & Bub to have a little holiday with baby sitters on hand & even dinner for two and my incredulous arse is feeling hostile over nothing?

A trip away and a hotel? Sounds pretty similar. They've also been careful to pick something they know that they know OP likes

I throughly enjoyed going to the wildlife park with little boy earlier this year. It was great fun seeing all the animals and my son seemed to enjoy it too.

It doesn't mean I want to drive 2 hours there and 2 hours back to have an evening meal there with my husband though.

@saraclara context.
Do you see gc once a week and blow up their phone if you can't get through immediately.?

To a place OP already has a membership for. Presumably she does want to go there.

"Blowing up the phone" sounds like hyperbole from a DIL who doesn't like them.

@LameBorzoi unless one has experienced it in real life and feels it's a good description.

You dont know them very well... but your husband does and its his child to.
You could have got your mum to babysit, perhaps your husband feels the same about your mum. Thats a you issue.
As a DIL to a sometimes overstepping MIL and a sister of a man married to a women who actively cuts out our parents in favor of her own mother I would guess youre the issue here.
So they want to be loving involved grandparents to your child .. lucky child... so they want to support you having a nice time by spending time with your child.... lucky you.

You married into another family and chose to have children with a man who you want to pick and choose the elements of his life that suit you. Im all for boundries and the shit my MIL can pull would have you curling your toes but I have never ever doubted her love and support for our children and accept that as a part of my husbands life I have as much responsibility to nurture and grow that relationship as they do.

Yes, to visit the wildlife park.

I enjoy going to soft play with my son and have a membership to my local venue but I wouldn't fancy having my birthday meal there.

Do you really not see how the in laws have been a bit tactical here? If it was a one off I would give them the benefit of the doubt, but the fact they're putting pressure on OP to see more of their grandson makes the birthday gift (that they will be present for the entirety of, outside of a few hours OP will spend with DH in a wildlife park restaurant) seem a bit disingenuous.

Yes, PIL with the dastardly intention of building bonds with their DIL and grandchild. What terrible people. Oh, and they've given careful thought to OP's interests and comfort levels. Cut them off immediately, OP.

I think you’re probably sending mixed messages and caving to pressure to save your husband earache rather than sending a text on day 6 when the floodgates open saying “sorry we’re busy, will pop in next Friday” etc. If you want to see them less then see them less, if they’re sending annoying texts (which I agree are rude) to your husband via you then send back “sorry this isn’t DH phone, try him”. Tbh the excuse about him not making plans with them is a him problem that you’ve made a you problem.

Right now every time they say jump you fly and then feel annoyed about it later, so just put some boundaries in place and tell your husband to reply to the damn texts.

Speaking as an ADHDer, it's a very ADHD thing to do. It's got multiple moving parts. There's a directness about it, but multiple truths at once. It's directed to OP as her own person, with careful thought as to who she is, but at the same time includes OP"s son as a key component of that relationship.

Where have I said they're terrible/dastardly and to cut them off? I haven't. At all. Cutting them off would be a massive overreaction.

I've simply agreed it's a disingenuous present 🤷🏻‍♀️

@LameBorzoi if they can't build these bonds have not done so already in weekly visits then there is simply no chance.

I would never give this gift I would feel deeply uncomfortable doing this to my own adult dc if it beniffited me in any way because that's simply not a true gift in these circumstances.
They already by pass her in messages to their son via her phone.
They sound over bearing and dogmatic.
A true present for op maybe something like her favourite perfume, magazine subscription or paper. Flower subscription

Spa day for op and her mum no baby sitting involved.

Those saying they are just trying to build bonds. That makes sense then that they would want to do somwthing like for their own birthdays. But what some people seem to be missing is that this is a present for the OP. When it is not what she would choose to do or consider a treat.

It is not the same as posters saying things like 'my daughters got me a weekend away and I loved it'. That shows it was a nice present with the recipient at the centre.

In this case, they are saying to their daughter in law- as a treat FOR YOU, you are coming away for an overnight with us, we'll spend the day together at the wildlife park, we'll all stay in the hotel, you'll get dinner with DH, then we'll all meet for breakfast the next morning ' etc.

That is not a present for the DIL. That is a gift to themselves masquerading as a birthday present for her.

It is not ungrateful of the OP to raise an eyebrow at this.

I think exactly like this. If I'm not feeling something I start to test the narrative and twist it to suit my own reasons and get really annoyed about stuff- but maybe they genuinely thought it would be a nice gift?

I can't think of a more generous gift than that of time and energy.

Perfume, magazine, etc sounds unimaginative to me. This one took thought.

They don't sound overbearing to me, they sound as if at least one of them is an over - enthusiastic ADHDer.

@LameBorzoi I wonder what your getting people for Xmas this year 😂 the pleasure of your company on gifts meant for them?

I would say that plying OP with perfume and spa days would be more disingenuous. This is at least honest.

For my MIL, I am shepherding my children onto an international flight to visit her - her preference, she wants to see them, but dislikes travelling. There's the token spa vouchers of course, but she's very well off, and nothing she couldn't easily buy herself.

Perhaps it's a matter of taste.

I would much prefer a spa day for my birthday than to spend several hours on a motorway for the chance to eat a cheeseburger in peace.

Let's agree to disagree 😉

The determination to think the absolute worst of MILs is the most depressing thing about Mumsnet. Yet again I'm relieved to be a MIL to men.

@LameBorzoi honest in what way? Declaring that they don't care for her one jot?

Well yes it's a matter of taste, but in this case, it's a park to which OP has purchased a membership. I would take that as a fairly good indicator that it was to OP's taste. It's somewhere OP has picked - it would be different if it were somewhere that PIL had picked.

I am going to go on a hunch and say that OP didn't pay for a wildlife park membership due to its fine dining credentials and leave it at that. Have a good day 😊

I think choosing to spend the weekend at OP's venue of interest shows that they are trying to share her interests.

However, none of my in laws started out by being my friend, and I wouldn't want them to pretend otherwise. They became friends over time, but the heart of the relationship always was their bond to my relative.