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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday gift from the in-laws

271 replies

ProbablyNutsTBH · 15/12/2024 13:20

Bit of background info: My in-laws are perfectly lovely people. They really love mine and their sons 13mo baby & would see him ALL the time if they could. For some reason, probably cos I’m potentially unhinged, I wouldn’t mind if they only saw him once a month or less. Ultimately they see him about once a week. Which is not enough for them & so Once it’s been 6 days mine and their sons phones are blowing up until we visit them or have them around.

anyway, it was my birthday recently & they were very keen to come over and give me some gifts (aka see their grandson). The gift is a handwritten “voucher” for a night in a hotel near a wildlife park a couple hours away that DH, DS & I have a membership pass to, along with dinner for two for DH and I ….
With “on-site” babysitting at the hotel.
As in, on site babysitting by MIL&FIL.
As in, they will also be coming to the wildlife park… & staying at the same hotel with us.
So they have essentially gifted me the birthday present of a night away with them, so they can have a holiday with their grandson. It just seems so disingenuous/underhanded?
The offer to pay for dinner for two at the hotel is kind, but in context it feels like it’s tacked on as some sort of trojan horse/ so they can justify it as being a “birthday gift”.. like why not just offer us a voucher for dinner for two without the other bullshit? And I can get my own mum to babysit or have options in that regards?

I’m not upset because I want a better gift of course. They could give me a toblerone as a birthday gift and I’d be appreciative… I genuinely wouldn’t give a rats arse if they didn’t give me a birthday present at all, and in fact I’d MUCH prefer that over them roping us into going away with them & acting like it’s a gift “for me”.
I also don’t think this is a “bad” gift in general- if it was a joint family gift for their son & I for Christmas or something, I wouldn’t think that much of it. But for a birthday gift for me personally it feels especially odd.

TL;DR in-laws, who constantly ask to babysit my 13mo & are pretty obsessive over him, gave ‘me’ a birthday gift- a ‘voucher’ to go with them to a wildlife park (that DH, DS & I already have yearlong entry pass to- a gift from my parents), then spend the night with them at a nearby hotel where theyll shout me and their son dinner at the hotel, while they babysit my baby. I feel like they’re being manipulative, im pissed off about it. I also realise my judgement might be clouded.

AIBU in thinking that this is pretty bizarre & manipulative/underhanded? Are they just being lovely & offering a lovely opportunity for me, DH & Bub to have a little holiday with baby sitters on hand & even dinner for two and my incredulous arse is feeling hostile over nothing?

OP posts:
PomandersandRedRibbon · 16/12/2024 06:33

@ARichtGoodDram

Perhaps the in laws have a son problem or he has a parent problem? They can't communicate with thier own child?? It's not ops problem.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 16/12/2024 06:40

I think the gift isn't too bad but it's the whole desperation to see your child all the time that's not ok.

LameBorzoi · 16/12/2024 06:47

It sounds like they are trying to get to know you and your baby better, in a way that doesn't intrude into your living space. It seems like a good try.

icanatilldancetowhigfield · 16/12/2024 06:47

Wow. You have in/laws that care about your child and want to have a nice relationship with you. You've said they are lovely. You strike fear in the heart of mums of boys. They are just trying to stay close to their own family.

LameBorzoi · 16/12/2024 06:56

Just remember that it could be you in their shoes in a few decades

longdistanceclaraaa · 16/12/2024 07:21

I COMPLETELY get you OP.

And I say this as a mother of a boy. I will never in a million years do this.

As an aside, I think the whole 'mum of boys' angst is a self fulfilling prophecy. Relax and build a good relationship the boy in question, not get all spun out and overbearing about the woman he marries.

Mince3141 · 16/12/2024 07:34

I think you don't particularly like them so anything they do would annoy you. You say you don't know them that well which means they don't know you that well either and it's something that can be assumed to be coming from a nice place so why not just assume they're trying to be kind?

thepariscrimefiles · 16/12/2024 07:35

longdistanceclaraaa · 16/12/2024 07:21

I COMPLETELY get you OP.

And I say this as a mother of a boy. I will never in a million years do this.

As an aside, I think the whole 'mum of boys' angst is a self fulfilling prophecy. Relax and build a good relationship the boy in question, not get all spun out and overbearing about the woman he marries.

I agree. It's as though they think that 'mum of boys' should be a protected status, worthy of sympathy and compassion and that the behaviour of these 'mums of boys' has nothing to do with their poor relationships with their DILs.

mrschocolatte · 16/12/2024 07:38

There is this expectation that as soon as we partner with someone, our in laws must immediately become enmeshed in our lives. We are supposed to instantly trust and allow these people unfettered access to all aspects of our lives including our babies when we do not know what these people are really like because we have not had a chance to build a proper relationship with them as you would with a friend or partner. I’m not saying in laws are terrible people. They are not. But they start as strangers and I would judge them on what they have done to get to know you as a person and value you as an individual. That is a true test as to whether they will learn to love and respect you, especially as the mother of their grandchild. At the moment they seem to see you as a conduit to others and that sucks. People calling you horrible, mean or awful should be ignored. You are none of these things. You’re just being human.

CyanPeer · 16/12/2024 07:44

@longdistanceclaraaa I agree.

I'm a mum of a boy, clearly my MIL is a mum of a boy too. I'm lucky that we have a great relationship, but I recognise that not everyone does and there's levels of good and bad.

I often see 'just wait until you're a MIL!' responses on MN and I find it really bizarre, as it's often used to excuse questionable or unreasonable behaviour that most people would recognise as questionable or unreasonable (in this example, badgering your DIL to see more of your grandson, sending messages addressed to your son to her when he doesn't respond, etc).

I've read all OP's messages and whilst her in laws clearly aren't awful, they appear to regard her as her son's PA/grandson's chauffeur first and foremost. I can therefore see why she's annoyed that their birthday present to her seems to be more about what they want than what she might want.

LameBorzoi · 16/12/2024 07:53

longdistanceclaraaa · 16/12/2024 07:21

I COMPLETELY get you OP.

And I say this as a mother of a boy. I will never in a million years do this.

As an aside, I think the whole 'mum of boys' angst is a self fulfilling prophecy. Relax and build a good relationship the boy in question, not get all spun out and overbearing about the woman he marries.

But continuing a good relationship with him is what they are doing, just in an ADHD friendly way.

saraclara · 16/12/2024 07:56

My DDs organised flights and a hotel break in Edinburgh for me and themselves for a big birthday. I was delighted. Was I supposed to be offended?

For her recent birthday, I gave my daughter a voucher for a nice restaurant, and said that it came with free babysitting, so that she and her DH could have a nice break together. According to many, I did that to get access to my DGCs and it was a manipulative gift?

This is nuts.

capstix · 16/12/2024 07:56

This is the most spoilt thing I've read today. You don't vaguely deserve a Toblerone!

saraclara · 16/12/2024 08:01

The 'why didn't they get me a restaurant voucher so that I could ask MY mum to babysit' bit says it all, really.

Zebrashavestripes · 16/12/2024 08:05

there’s been a fair few times I’ve had my boundaries pushed by them (things like treating me as their sons receptionist, contacting me all the time if he’s not answering, sending msgs to my phone addressed to him if they can’t reach him etc)

That sounds like very strange "boundaries" .

LameBorzoi · 16/12/2024 08:06

CyanPeer · 16/12/2024 07:44

@longdistanceclaraaa I agree.

I'm a mum of a boy, clearly my MIL is a mum of a boy too. I'm lucky that we have a great relationship, but I recognise that not everyone does and there's levels of good and bad.

I often see 'just wait until you're a MIL!' responses on MN and I find it really bizarre, as it's often used to excuse questionable or unreasonable behaviour that most people would recognise as questionable or unreasonable (in this example, badgering your DIL to see more of your grandson, sending messages addressed to your son to her when he doesn't respond, etc).

I've read all OP's messages and whilst her in laws clearly aren't awful, they appear to regard her as her son's PA/grandson's chauffeur first and foremost. I can therefore see why she's annoyed that their birthday present to her seems to be more about what they want than what she might want.

Edited

Their behaviour is entirely consistent with being the patent of a adult with ADHD. It sounds as if there's humour in the messages directed to him via her.

Auntieoftheyear · 16/12/2024 08:11

I give gifts that include free babysitting not because I necessarily want to (lovely during the day but who wants to sit in someone else's house all night while the kids sleep) but because it feels like a burden to gift the parents of a young child some time away together but then make them find and pay for a sitter.

CeliaCanth · 16/12/2024 08:12

I am completely with you, OP. It’s manipulative on their part. It’s a means for them to achieve what they want rather than a thoughtful present for you. Context is all - they’re pestering you when they think it’s time to see their grandchild; they see you as your husband’s PA, chief cook and bottle washer, etc. Against this background I’d be upset too.

And the handwritten “voucher” is a little off-putting too. Are they usually stingy? I only ask because my ex-in-laws had form for that - you would open an envelope on Christmas Day to be confronted with a square of cardboard with “Book Token” written on it in brightly coloured felt pen. They were as tight as a gnat’s chuff.

curious79 · 16/12/2024 08:14

You sound profoundly ungrateful. Get over yourself.

Pottedpalm · 16/12/2024 08:18

Middaymatters · 15/12/2024 14:14

Poor you. Mean grandparents offering you a night away in a hotel, free dinner and baby sitting at a location that they know you’ll enjoy (as you’ve bought a season ticket for it) 🙄Seems like a win win situation to me. Why you are so negative about it?? They are lovely people who dearly love their grandchild and want to spend time with them - all facts stated by you. Yes you are being unreasonable about all this, and a bit spiteful to suggest you could get your mum (or other options) to babysit instead when babysitting for an evening would obviously be such a joy to your in-laws. Why are you denying them this when it would be no skin of your nose?

This

LameBorzoi · 16/12/2024 08:18

Zebrashavestripes · 16/12/2024 08:05

there’s been a fair few times I’ve had my boundaries pushed by them (things like treating me as their sons receptionist, contacting me all the time if he’s not answering, sending msgs to my phone addressed to him if they can’t reach him etc)

That sounds like very strange "boundaries" .

Exactly. Those aren't boundaries.

crumblingschools · 16/12/2024 08:22

Surely much of this is on your DH, if he is rubbish at communicating with his parents. You say he has ADHD. Do you make allowances for him in other aspects of your life? Being in a family WhatsApp group was a good compromise. Could you go visit the in-laws when DH is not working so you all go together, or could he take baby without you some weeks?

DowntonFlabbie · 16/12/2024 08:22

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/12/2024 13:25

AIBU in thinking that this is pretty bizarre & manipulative/underhanded?
My in-laws are perfectly lovely people

These two statements can’t be simultaneously true. My suspicion is they are killing two birds with one stone, but not out of malice, and that they have no idea you dislike them so much.

Yeah this. It's a nice gift but you clearly hate them 🤷‍♀️

CyanPeer · 16/12/2024 08:23

saraclara · 16/12/2024 07:56

My DDs organised flights and a hotel break in Edinburgh for me and themselves for a big birthday. I was delighted. Was I supposed to be offended?

For her recent birthday, I gave my daughter a voucher for a nice restaurant, and said that it came with free babysitting, so that she and her DH could have a nice break together. According to many, I did that to get access to my DGCs and it was a manipulative gift?

This is nuts.

Neither of those examples are the same though, are they?

Unless your voucher was for a restaurant that was a 4 hour round trip, which required an overnight stay and for you and baby to come along too.

angstridden2 · 16/12/2024 08:23

I feel sorry for the in-laws. They have a son who seems incapable of keeping in touch, a new gc who they’re keen to see and a dil who interprets what they hoped was a nice gesture as manipulative and makes it obvious she prefers her own mother to be involved. I have a son who works really hard and tends to focus on that and isn’t great at communicating. Luckily I have a kind dil who knows this and even though I’m sure finds it annoying sometimes, acts as a link between us generally.