Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

[Mamana127]

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

Actually this has made me think yes we do buy gifts to his family differently. Like this year my FIL has asked for a voucher and then when I asked DH he said him and his sister have bought their dad a join gift. And thinking about it last years it’s always gift from me and gift from him. I’m not sure why the expectation is that way. I think this post has really woken me up and I’m going to do things differently. But the other family members always buys me gifts and buys my kids gifts etc.

Sprogs…. Great terminology!

Sorry OP they all sound horrible. Your 'D' H should not have allowed this to carry on all this time. I think gift giving should be mutual, or should stop. We see these threads every Christmas on here. Save your money and your time if someone you give gifts to does not ever return the favour. It's not about affordability, it's about thoughtfulness and consideration.

@Mamana127 does you DH buy gifts for your DC?

Yes he does. And very generously whatever they want, we have one child between us and 2 from my previous relationship.

I just won’t get involved. I’m looking forward to some resting time chilling with my kids watching tv at my friends on the 27th instead of cooking a complete full Christmas dinner again after doing the same on the 25th. My DH can do it.

Make sure you make it clear he doesn’t care how his daughters feel either - if he did he’d just change his gift tags to read from both of you. It’s more important to him to yell at you than it is how his daughters feel.

So you are expected to buy gifts for his DC separate to him, he buys gifts for your DC separate to you - who buys the gifts for your joint DC? You are buying separate gifts for his family, what about yours? I'm presuming your finances aren't shared. It all sounds absolutely bonkers to me. It probably hasn't helped the situation with DSC -gifts once you were serious/living together/married should have been from DH & you jointly to show them you were a team. DH should have guided/financed gifts from the DSC to you. Who financed/guided the DSC on gifts for their DF? Do the DSC acknowledge/buy gifts for your joint DC, their half sibling or your DC?

This is a situation that should have been dealt with many years ago. I can understand you buying a separate gift whilst you were dating your husband and before you lived together and married. Once you started living together, and definitely since being married, your husband should have been adding your name to the gift tag. This hasn't happened, and now you have realised that the presents you are buying aren't appreciated and neither have his daughter's ever reciprocated. You are an adult and so are his daughter's - all 3 of you are perfectly capable of making a choice. Your husband should have spoken to his daughter's years ago, as their attitude is shit but all he's done is enabled their attitude. No, you don't have to buy for his daughter's and neither do your children. It may be his daughter's don't like you, who knows, but there must be a reason why they've never given you or your children gifts.

Good for you OP, enjoy your break away with friends and leave those ungrateful people at home!

Call them out. I would question their rudeness and thoughtlessness.

I don’t want to do that I hate confrontations, if anything I should have done it long time ago or when they started working proper jobs, I just feel like it’s going to turn into a massive argument where I will always be on the wrong. My DH should have sorted it from the off out but he didn’t and wont as far as he is concerned they are perfect and he has never told them off even when they speak to him like poo he just keeps quiet. My approach to withdraw will bring me peace more than calling them out.

How embarrassing for him having rude thoughtless kids that he won't even stand up. You're clearly a thoughtful person and they don't give a shit, I can't stand people like that. Don't bother buying them a thing again.

Stormyweatheroutthere, I can, now more than ever. Through therapy I will be able to break out and stand tall. Therapist just help you to see the light and let you decide what you want to do with it.
When it comes to his girls he wont listen to anything I say and whenever I try to put my foot down he really suffers they make him really pay for it. Cut him off and send him nasty messages. All his fault really I’m not taking his side I’ve often told him, he made that bed. I just have to figure out how to live with them and him as the father of my daughter.
Apart from the way he handles his girls he is a good man and a good dad, he is scared of them cutting him off and so he will do anything to please them. Anything sadly at the detriment of myself because I’ve allowed it. I don’t ever want to be in a position where I’m making him choose between me and his girls. But he needs to correct them.

My DSC buys gifts to their dad on birthdays and Christmas,only have his name on them. I assume they finance the gifts to their dad. They have never bought any gift to their half sibling. It clearly just shows that they rejected me and my kids so I’ve finally accepted.When they were young DH used to say that once they go to Uni and meet other friends from separated families they will chill. Well they did finish Uni and no difference. They don’t even send a card to their Stem sister. I mean it’s on they are old enough to decide that, I took too long to draw the line. I did everything to try and be a family with them. But they are not interested.
you know I actually think they wont mind me not buying them gift it’s my DH who is bothered by it all that they might fall out with him over it. I wont be surprised if he buys then each a present from me to keep the peace 😂 he is that scared of them.

Well your DH was a stupid man to have not dealt with this firmly when they were younger and now they’re all entrenched in bad behaviour models. Your only hope is that when they have children themselves, they’ll realise how selfish they’ve been, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

I met DH when his kids were teens but my relationship with them is chalk and cheese compared to yours. They're both married with families of their own now and it’s the best thing ever when we are all able to get together as we all live long distances from each other due to work oportunities. In fact, one of the families will be joining us on my big birthday trip next year and I can’t wait. (They’ve booked and paid for their own accommodation, in case anyone is wondering)

I thought you were going to say they were kids.

No, YANBU to not buy Christmas presents for adults who don't get you anything.

I’ve done the same, stopped in adulthood.
Through the tricky teen years and a little more I bought presents and basically took a parent role (not actually a parent, but the responsible adult).
Now my step kids are nearer 30 I run with the tone, I didn’t get presents etc. I am always polite, welcome them etc. I don’t now lead on there being a relationship.
I was 7 years away from meeting their dad at the break up, if anything I helped facilitate them being together, being an adult available when he worked long hours. Enabled them to move in for the first year of university etc.
If anything they are politer to me now it’s not expected I’m always unconditionally there. I spend a long long time at the end of their mum’s rudeness, and I don’t expect it for entirety from a woman I never did wrong to. I put up with it as they were children guided by their mother, and probably hurt by her rejection (she was not always a stable or present parent and instigated the break up). I don’t expect to tolerate any disrespect from adults capable of choices

I think you are going to wake up soon to awful your husband is.
Like really awful.
A weak scared little man.
Happy to argue with you though.
🤢🤮

Well done for all the work you have done.
Absent yourself from now on.
Neither shop nor clean or do a thing in preparation ever again.

Good men do not behave as your husband has.

You deserve so much better.
I think you will eventually realise this.

Well yes he said his will leaves everything to his girls plus one of mine that is his split equally. My daughter is young. I put some money into the house purchase. I will be allowed to live in our home as long as I want or buy them out if I can. I’m not originally from the uk so this inheritance thing is new to me. I work very hard and earn well but he earns more than me, we were living together as partners for along time until my MIL told me I need to be married otherwise I’m not protected I said I’m very traditional and marriage should be for love and the man should ask blah blah.. she wont have any of it saying he will never ask because the “forces” wont allow him to remarry 😂 anyway I said why not and insisted we got married and we did, with this comment maybe I can look at my rights as wife to see how I’m protected. Honestly with this post I realise how naive I am and how open eyes I need to be to protect myself from being taken advantage of. Maybe it’s time to rethink things a lot.
Thank you.

Says it all .......
I would buy them zilch on a permanent basis.

At the very least you need to look at how the finances are set up in your house , your husband sounds absolutely awful . Your MIL sounds great .

I now realise that I do and I will thanks to this post the amazing people here on mumsnet.

Is the house in both of your names, OP?

I think you need to get some legal advice to make sure that (a) his daughters can't turf you out if he dies first and (b) your children don't get disinherited if you die first.

I'm shocked at the idea that you put your own money into the house purchase but he's acting like it's his house to leave to whoever he wants in his will. What about your children from your previous relationship? Surely part of the house should eventually go to them, if you part funded the purchase?

Please do not allow yourself or your children to get screwed over when either of you dies. Get some legal advice.

bless you if anyone had told me what it’s like being in a relationship which has a first family I would have ran a mile, I can’t begin to say the things the ex has done. But I put a stop to her. I was well into the relationship with a child and I didn’t want to end up a single mother of three kids so I settled. But it’s not easy being a step mum. I came with a pure heart, gave and gave to the point of back breaking but just got nothing back and more rudeness. My MIL kept me going by putting everyone in their place she encouraged me to have therapy which has really helped me to deal with many things. she found my therapist and paid for the first three sessions. I had an Angel for a MIL. I’m so sad she passed away in July. I spent a whole month with her before she passed and we just talked and talked. I don’t have a mum so when I met my DH she instantly took me into her arms. I will forever miss her.