Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

[Mamana127]

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

@kitchenhelprequired,
My ex and his wife are really nice people my DC are very very close to them, They have a step sister and brother who comes to me too so the 5 kids just got close and love each other Infact out DD together if given a chance would go there every time they go.
anyway when I told him I was going home he thought I was joking, then he started begging that I should wait we go together on the 27th, at this point he could suddenly afford to but 5 tickets. I told him I’d booked and we were leaving.
In the end I just faced my fears and told him myself. He cried, he begged he asked me to leave the kids then, without taking into consideration why I said I’m traveling.
He then said ok I’ll come with you let me just inform the girls we will do Christmas in the new year. 😂 At that point I knew he was going nowhere, and I could finally have a nice Christmas with my family and REST!
He will come on the 28th if I let him. His DC are leaving for their boyfriend’s families. But I’ve told him I need alone time to think things through.

"when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like"

Who rejects a gift to someone's face? Even if it was a bad one?
That just shows how they've been brought up in my opinion. Never buy the spoit cows another thing.

Maybe your DH is trying to avoid a showdown with his kids, it sounds like he’s been tip toeing round their opinions right from the start, they’ve obviously made it clear to him
and Mil they don’t like you, he just doesn’t have the do dahs to openly discuss it with you all. By you not gifting to them he maybe feels you’ll be proving them right ?
Continue with your decision and let the truth come out.
Alternatively buy them a Spa day that you all do together and confront them x

I mean could it be that you are trying to force a relationship between them and your kids so you can use them for babysitting etc. I would like to hear their side

Wtf. How did you get from the OPs posts to this?

Well done OP.
Tell him not to come that you want space.
Him coming will only stress you and make you anxious as you need a break.
Enjoy your trip with your family and leave him to those that are important to him.

Do not allow him to insist and bully you to join you.
You have bent over far too much IMO.

Put yourself first and tell him not to join you as his company is not wanted.
You want to enjoy Christmas in peace with your family.

Much more likely that the daughters will use the OP for childcare if they have kids. They sound like the type who will be happy to leave the child they claim to love with someone they despise. ............oh yes it happens. Exibit A

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4888934-caring-for-step-grandchild

Let him buy the presents for them, if he was that worried he would have already been doing that.

You’re well within your rights to stop I would’ve stopped ages ago! The separate gifts thing is also a bit strange, I will buy my family presents with ‘my money’ but it’s always from me and my partner. He buys for his mum dad etc and it has both of our names on it - I just thought this was standard procedure. His daughters don’t sound V nice to you at all. I would also tell you DH you are not being taken for a mug

For me, a small gift each wouldn't be worth blowing up my life for. You're in the right, it is rude and they don't deserve it, but it would be a small price to pay for piece. Just take your budget down significantly

I do wish people would at least read all the OP’s posts before replying.

“There would be absolutely nothing wrong at all with the gifts he buys being from both of you, that's what most people would do.”

Yes, for sure. Gifts from both indicate togetherness.

I make most of the gifts I give. I always include DW name on the tags. Otherwise it would seem selfish.

I think he needs to sort himself out and realise that enough lives have been ruined never mind the payback you're on the receiving end of. I can imagine that you dread Xmas coming round because it's the same uncomfortable atmosphere and walking on eggshells so as not to upset the ugly sisters. I'm sure they don't really enjoy the day either when they turn up at your house so maybe it's just a habit that needs breaking.

@Hii93,
I wish! They don’t have a relationship with either me or my kids so how would I even start asking them about babysitting them, they also live miles away, when they visit I make sure the kids are not there as their attitude towards them in the past has been awful, they are just not interested in us. I would never ask them to baby sit my kids. NEVER!

Why would you bother hearing their side when you’re so good already at just pulling shit out of thin air? You carry on with that.

@JenniferBooth,
I know for a fact it would happen if I stick around, I would be lumbered with looking after their kids pretending that daddy is looking after them.
I also know I will not be invited to either of their weddings because their mum would not allow it.
She is really bitter, She refused to attend my MIL’s funeral because I was there and I was organising it. I was 100% of the opinion that she should attend if she wanted to, she knew MIL for many years too.
I wanted to give my MIL a beautiful send off so I did everything just how she wanted it to be, I promised her I would.
I’m not really sure why her and her daughter hate me so much, I have asked my DH if I should write to her but he absolutely refused saying if I want her to kill herself and be blamed for it I should. Its shocking my DH after 3 failed relationships post leaving his marriage. Anyway I’m putting all this behind me now.
I realise I’m dealing with something beyond me.

saffronspices,
I have dreaded Boxing Day every year more so when they got older, I think I tolerated it better but from 17 onwards I’ve hated those days and wished I could pretend to be unwell or something.
I remember one Boxing Day, I will never forget. It’s the first Boxing Day they came with their boyfriends. I had never met them my DH had. I was in the kitchen with MIL when they came, they came in hugged their Nan, said hi to me politely then we all went upstairs where their boyfriends were to open presents.

They came loaded loaded with presents for Nan, Grammy, cousins & DH, and of course as we had done our Christmas on Christmas Day their present from the entire family has been left under the tree for them to open including for their new boyfriends which has been carefully bought as per their advice.
So as is traditionally done in our house kids take turns in handing out presents. My kids handed presents to everyone except me and themselves. The little one started crying and I just told her that she had opened all her presents yesterday and she should fetch them to show everyone what she got, to which she thought about it for a second then ran off to do so.
My Kids on the other hands were more clued up but I spoke to them afterwards and told them the same that they had opened their presents.
I never let them take part in that present opening on Boxing Day anymore they go to their dads to spend the day there now. My MIL felt so embarrassed she gave my kids her presents to open for her.

I have never felt so uncomfortable in my own home as I felt that day. I just wanted to disappear in the thin air. one of the boyfriends for the older DSD just kept staring at me as if he had seen a ghost, 😂😂😂😂😂😂 just gazing at me quizzically or pitifully I don’t know.
But I will never forget that look. He is such a good young man he usually talks to me and tries to make conversations but he still looks at me in wonder that way to this date 😂😂😂😆, I wonder what he has been told.

Oh well Im having Christmas in the sun my kids are running around outside with their cousins everyone is happy. My marriage is on my mind 24/7 but all I’ve done since I arrived is sleep. my family is huge and my parents farm is full of love.

Well there is always two sides to a story very true. I have never blamed my DSC for the way things are. Infact I said up there that I’m sure if I didn’t buy them presents they probably wouldn’t mind.
it’s my DH who is bothered about the repercussions is any. He thinks they will ask why I didn’t buy them presents and create hell for him, I don’t think they will, but he knows better.

I just said I have chosen not to buy them present this year and many more to come. I have accepted my place in their lives as they have wished me to.

All in all this question about buying them presents through this group opened my eyes to the fact that my DH is not fair, doesn’t take my interest into consideration and doesn’t care about anything that is upsetting me. This is no longer about Christmas presents I’m afraid.

I think these two young ladies found themselves with two splitting parents something they never signed up for, I actually feel sorry for them, their world was ripped apart when their parents split, they never imagined they would have to share both their parents with strangers on a very intimate level with anyone let alone a step sibling. I understood this from the onset and that is why I have tried my hardest to please then and show them that I’m not a monster.

I know the present thing is not a big deal, but it is when it comes to my kids, if they bought presents for my kids only and not me I’d be quite happy with it. But they don’t. My DH gets the kids to make them crafty things and wrap up as presents and I stopped this too.

What happened between my DH and his ex is not my doing, besides apparently she asked him to leave after years of not getting on and sleeping in separate rooms. There was no affairs involved.
I WOULD NEVER date a married man, so I was NOT The O/W, but the treatment I have received is something that the O/W should receive if any.

I have asked my solicitor to ask my husband for everything I need to know and for him to provide documents and proof before I can go back home. If he chooses to refuse then it’s not a safe marriage for me financially and mentally and I will proceed with divorce and cut my losses.
If he provides them then we will have to speak openly about everything and I have to be part of everything 50/50 especially things we have achieved together since we started living together and married.
Im very well informed now and if my only attraction was being naive then it’s won’t be such a bag this if I leave, he can just find another naive woman.
Back in England I hear Christmas is cancelled my DH will go to his dad’s rather than him coming over as they normally do, with my DSIL and her kids in France this year and my DMIL in heaven, they will just spend Christmas Day together the two of them then do Christmas when the girls come on the 27th and they will eat out in a pub. It’s a sad Christmas for all of us as it’s the first without MIL and I feel bad about leaving, but I had to. I was going insane. But it Sounds like a good plan to eat out.
Thank you all for your support and for the loving advice I received in this group. Have a happy Christmas ❤️❤️

But they WILL ask you to babysit theirs when the time comes.

Sorry, posted before i saw all your updates.

@PyongyangKipperbang
the will was changed immediately after our wedding. I changed mine too to reflect the marriage. Apparently my DH’s will and the ex’s will mirror each other and he promised her he would never change it. I found a txt from the ex when our DD was born asking him not to change his will, when I asked him why the ex has a say on what goes In his will he said she doesn’t but she wants to make sure that the girls will inherit everything as they had agreed years ago. Anyway my new DD was added in the will at apparently the same % as DSD. I’ve never seen this. And that’s one of the requests I’d like to know. It’s ok if he wants to not leave me and my 2 DDs anything. Because I’ve done the same as he asked me to.

This is such a hard thread to read.
You are such a nice decent woman, but you were far to soft.

Your husband is scum.
He is a weasel and a snake.

You are worth 10 of him.
I sincerely hope he has an utterly miserable Christmas.

I hope you have told him not to visit you.
Enjoy the sun, peace, and the love of your family.

Yes i have. He has listened and won’t come I hope. He said he will wait for us to return and wishes my papa quick recovery, meaning that he has not received my solicitors letter otherwise the begging would have been on a top notch at this point.

YANBU I think it's absolutely horrible that they don't buy you a gift or send a nice card.
My dad remarried I could never leave my dads wife out or my mums partner I would always buy them a gift.
Your husband needs to step up and tell them to treat you better.
My mums partners daughter would never acknowledge my mum in a christmas card my mums partner told his daughter that after 10 years and now living together either wish my mum a merry Christmas and acknowledge her aswell or dont bother at all.

Sending hugs 🫂