Page 15 | Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

Mamana127 · 2024-12-15T11:51:38+00:00

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love. They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either. This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right. I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind? when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you. i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me. I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty. I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

Listopad · 20/12/2024 23:52

OP you are definitely doing the right thing. I grew up as the child of the new wife and watched my mum bend over backwards for the ungrateful, dismissive children of the first marriage (my mum was not the OW). It was a complete waste of her time and frustrating for me watching her being treated badly and just meekly accepting it. I wished she had better self esteem and had left and focused on building a happy supportive environment for the two of us.

CandidHedgehog · 21/12/2024 02:13

You are definitely doing the right thing but please check with the solicitor before trying to take the child you have with this man out of the country. He / she will be able to guide you on what to do to prevent him using it against you.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 21/12/2024 02:35

Happyinarcon · 15/12/2024 12:28

i would probably have talked this over with my husband a few months ahead and decided on a joint approach

It doesn't sound like he's interested in a joint approach.

Original poster

Mamana127 · 21/12/2024 10:17

Listopad · 20/12/2024 23:52

OP you are definitely doing the right thing. I grew up as the child of the new wife and watched my mum bend over backwards for the ungrateful, dismissive children of the first marriage (my mum was not the OW). It was a complete waste of her time and frustrating for me watching her being treated badly and just meekly accepting it. I wished she had better self esteem and had left and focused on building a happy supportive environment for the two of us.

Listopad, I’m sorry you have had to go through that. I feel like your mother. It’s a horrible and I’m tired of it. I’ve complained about it so many times and I get sympathy for a day or two. I dread these girls coming to my house or meeting them, but I started sending my kids ( including the shared one) to my ex’s house every time they are coming so that they don’t experience the animosity. I’ve really sheltered them from it but they are bound to pick up on my mood about them. I hope your mum left.

OP posts:

burntheleaves · 21/12/2024 12:57

When his daughters throw accusations at you look them in the eye and tell them 'you won. You spent the last 13 years being horrible to me to get rid of me. You won. Why are you not happy?'

Make them see that they are part of the problem and that behaviours have consequences

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 21/12/2024 15:02

Were you able to leave today?

Listopad · 21/12/2024 15:38

You have my sympathies, it really is no way to live and I hated feeling 'lesser' in my own family. Your children will be picking up on it. Sadly she did not leave, but once my dad died there was minimal contact with them, so all the effort spent trying to build a big happy blended family was a total waste of time and effort. You are putting yourself and your children first by leaving

Original poster

Mamana127 · 21/12/2024 16:27

@burntheleaves
I’m preety sure they will be happy. They don’t actually care about him he slaves for them and I never hear any thank you. He was unwell and had a cancer scare and not once did they come and visit or call to check on their dad.
They feel he is theirs alone to use so let them have him. Let them have a nice Christmas too,
I’m on my way to the airport. He didn’t object to us traveling as I said my dad was u well and I was worried about him. but he said he will join us on the 28th. When I arrive I will write to him and ask him not to come .

OP posts:

coolkatt · 21/12/2024 16:45

Girls are assholes and hubby seriously needs checked. Selfish people all of them. Do not, let him guilt u into backing down. They clearly have an issue with u. They are grown ass adults, if they can't even acknowledge u with a decent card then they have shown what the think of u. Don't change ur mind, well done for treating yourself with respect. You are complete in the right here, don't be bullied out into getting them something.

coolkatt · 21/12/2024 17:04

coolkatt · 21/12/2024 16:45

Girls are assholes and hubby seriously needs checked. Selfish people all of them. Do not, let him guilt u into backing down. They clearly have an issue with u. They are grown ass adults, if they can't even acknowledge u with a decent card then they have shown what the think of u. Don't change ur mind, well done for treating yourself with respect. You are complete in the right here, don't be bullied out into getting them something.

And sorry I just read the updates and OP get out of there now! Get copies of as much as u can beforehand, mortgage payments back account numbers, absolutely everything u possible can, including bank accounts t, birth certificates, NI numbers, any solicitor letters etc. then get out of there. They don't give a toss about u.

Wishingplenty · 21/12/2024 17:20

Once grown up children that are used to receiving gifts from adults as kids, decide that they don't want to join in present buying for the children they are closely related to, despite earning well, then it is time to draw a line. It is unfair for the other children to watch them receiving gifts and get nothing back. One present purchased from their parents from all of them does not work either. It is rude but it is really the parents fault for not pointing it out to them.

LivelyMintViper · 21/12/2024 17:40

If you really are done with all this give them some home truths about the way they treat their father especially the cancer business. They can find excuses for the way they treat you (albeit invalid ones) but there is no excuse for the way they treat him.

BluesBird19764 · 21/12/2024 18:05

More concerned that your husband has never stepped in to set a good example but some people are just selfish.

Marieb19 · 21/12/2024 18:17

I agree with above. You are a couple, the gift is from both of you. OP give yourself a break and move on.

rtsmith · 21/12/2024 18:18

In the true spirit of christmas you only give if you receive. How nice.

YellowHue · 21/12/2024 19:23

They may be your “step-kids” but they aren’t children. You’re not obligated to buy them anything.
If DH has a problem with it, but doesn’t have an issue with them not gifting to your children, then maybe he needs a reality check because it’s the same issue? If it were me I wouldn’t give them another thing. Put yourself first!

JenniferBooth · 21/12/2024 19:30

Mamana127 · 20/12/2024 07:43

@Fraaances Yes there is a big expectation very entitled too. MIL the soul of the family passed away in July and now I was asked if FIL can come and live with us I said yes because he is still very mobile and strong. But now I’m wondering what happens when he is even “older too” my former self would have done it happily, with love and compassion, especially as the culture I come from, this is a norm.
We live with our extended family forever and look after them, I found this normal and easy to agree with. But in this case I would be taken advantage of for nothing.

Anyway update. Ive been to a solicitor and she has given me advice on what things I need to ask, to ask them one by one and record the answer secretly.
So I did. I asked for question 1. A full financial disclosure of our finances. ( yes I don’t know anything about our finances) 😬 I just contribute to the bills.
He asked me why I’m asking that question. I said because we are now married and should act as one, it’s safe for both of us if we know about that side of things.
He said he doesn’t mind if we don’t because he had a bad experience with the ex about money, and he doesn’t want a repeat. I calmly said I’m not his ex.
He suggested we open a joint bank account where we both have access and each transfer money into it for bills etc. (He has been asking for this for a while anyway)
I said no! in that case we both just close our personal accounts and open new one together? He said no he doesn’t want a joint bank account due to his experience.

As he said no to my request for a full financial disclosure I had been advised to stop there and start thinking about a divorce, the solicitor has given advice on my rights and was shocked I didn’t know any of it. Anyways if he can’t answer that simple question honestly and openly then he won’t answer the rest.
I’m so scared! How do I start. I sold my home quite cheaply to create a life with him. I really wished I’d insisted on renting it the way I wanted to.
I want to just leave right now with my kids and go home to my family for a hug.
I haven’t been home for three years due to being told we can’t afford it, I asked in November if we could spend Christmas with my family this year as I’ve not done that in forever. I used to have Christmas with my family every year and afforded it fine.
His answer was no- we can’t afford it, we have his dad, and his girls are coming over on the 27th, he can’t separate or cancel seeing them. I said I have separated from mine for years? He said it was my choice to move to England, I asked if can just go with my girls and his response was oh so you are just going to leave your husband to spend Christmas alone? We are married now if it hasn’t occurred to you yet. I left it.
My anxiety is through the roof. What is he hiding? How can I be this stupid? So who leaves the house me or him? Where do I start?
He owns majority of the house.

Right now he is busy doing things he NEVER does because his job is so demanding and every single minute is usually taken.
Things like taking kids to school and picking them, cleaning my car, fuelling my car, asking me to guess what I’ve got for Christmas. Being extra 100% kind, cooking dinner, he even asked if we can have Christmas next year with my family, I just said yeah!… I’ve seen it all before anyways it usually lasts a week until I’m happy.

Anyways I’ve found tickets for me and my kids I didn’t sleep spent the whole night sweating about booking them. I’ve reserved them until this evening. I need to go home to breathe, cry first and think. I’ll deal with this next year. I need to have a big think!
Now the task ahead is to tell him I’m going home for Christmas with the kids. I’ve thought about creating an emergency with my family so he doesn’t get alarmed but I feel terrible about using them. We are supposed to go Christmas shopping today for “ the visitors” as he calls them 😬😬😬😬😬

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So you arent close enough (in his eyes) to share finances with but so so close that you musnt spend any time apart. Steaming great hypocrite.

Has anyone else noticed that if a womans trust is affected by her ex cheating shes not allowed to be worried that new man will do the same but if a mans ex was "crap" with money HE seems to be allowed to be worried that his new or current partner will do the same and is allowed to act accordingly.

JenniferBooth · 21/12/2024 19:33

rtsmith · 21/12/2024 18:18

In the true spirit of christmas you only give if you receive. How nice.

What about the young kids and presents for them Thought Christmas was all about the kids Or does that only apply when parents want the child free to swap their Christmas shifts with them.

rtsmith · 21/12/2024 19:39

JenniferBooth · 21/12/2024 19:33

What about the young kids and presents for them Thought Christmas was all about the kids Or does that only apply when parents want the child free to swap their Christmas shifts with them.

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It says a lot about YOUR christmas spirit. Shouldn't you give regardless. Or does it have to be reciprocal? Even a £1 gift can be comparable to a £100 gift dependant on the feeling its given with. But sure seek out the validation from others for what you are going to do, that way you wont feel guilty. 1st world problems right here.

JenniferBooth · 21/12/2024 19:46

rtsmith · 21/12/2024 19:39

It says a lot about YOUR christmas spirit. Shouldn't you give regardless. Or does it have to be reciprocal? Even a £1 gift can be comparable to a £100 gift dependant on the feeling its given with. But sure seek out the validation from others for what you are going to do, that way you wont feel guilty. 1st world problems right here.

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WTF are you on about. oh i get it Obfuscation!! I wasnt talking about me so put down the bloody wine.

I doubt OP is bothered about herself but something for her YOUNG children would be nice

I simply pointed out the hypocrisy that POSTERS IN GENERAL are very happy to sing the line that Christmas is for kids when they want the child free to swap their Christmas shifts with them but all of a sudden hum a different tune when its kids from a second marriage or relationship Good old MN hypocrisy

Oh and my Christmas spirit is fine despite losing my dad in October...ive still done the Christmas wifework

rtsmith · 21/12/2024 19:54

Well good for you, you soldier on there girl. You are doing awesome. My main point was just buy everyone a xmas present. Regardless. This is mumsnet - we dont just drink wine darling, its the Bolly, its xmas for goodness sake. 😉

kitchenhelprequired · 21/12/2024 20:00

@Mamana127 Your 'H' allows his child to go to your ex's so they aren't in the house when his DC come. That is outrageous- I can absolutely understand why you would want to send them with your other DC but if ever there is a time for a DF to say no, that isn't how it should be it's then. He doesn't give a monkey's about anyone except his first marriage DC. You won't need to tell him not to come on the 28th - I would put money on him having no intention of joining you.

IOSTT · 21/12/2024 20:13

kitchenhelprequired · 21/12/2024 20:00

@Mamana127 Your 'H' allows his child to go to your ex's so they aren't in the house when his DC come. That is outrageous- I can absolutely understand why you would want to send them with your other DC but if ever there is a time for a DF to say no, that isn't how it should be it's then. He doesn't give a monkey's about anyone except his first marriage DC. You won't need to tell him not to come on the 28th - I would put money on him having no intention of joining you.

I don’t know - he might chase her as he won’t want to lose his free cleaner/ cook / carer etc!

midlandsdogwalker · 21/12/2024 20:22

Time to cut the apron strings. They clearly don’t feel they owe you anything so return the compliment. It’s highly unlikely you could buy them anything they couldn’t buy themselves.

AndMaEth · 21/12/2024 20:44

Adults buying each presents is ridiculous enough in my book. Even more ridiculous you’d be expected to buy someone who doesn’t reciprocate. Your DH is a coward for blaming you, you’re the easy option. He should raise the issue with his DHs if it bothers him that much, he is being really unreasonable especially when he can rationalise why they don’t buy you but applying the same rationale your way doesn’t work?!! You MIL might be right about them not liking you, he knows this and that’s why he won’t raise the issue with them and overacts to you stopping buying them.