Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

[Mamana127]

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

How soon after the wedding did they go on 'Honeymoon'? Were you invited?

I don’t understand how I’ve allowed it either but I just did. I’m getting help in this area. I come from a culture where women are totally painfully submissive. I saw this with my mother and see it with my sisters. I don’t like it as it’s demeaning and disrespectful and gut wrenching. But it’s built into you from the moment you are born a baby girl.
I didn’t wear trousers until I came to England years ago. I’m lucky I got education because my mother insisted, some don’t, she worked hard and put her foot down and sent us out of the culture to explore the world and be independent women.
i know I will get there. Quite soon actually. It’s just hard when fate throws people in your way that enjoys this oppressive system rather than help dismantle it.
I know my DSC would never allow anyone to treat them the way I’ve been treated because they have a voice. They grew up with views and expectations. As a grown woman in my mid forties I’m just growing mine now it’s ok I think my MIL saw this and she helped me to recognise that I don’t have to do it. I’m eternally grateful to her.

@Mamana127
OP
Make sure that you talk to a solicitor but very importantly keep your cards very close to your chest. Do not breathe a word of it to your husband, or anyone else really.

No way was I invited I’m never invited to their holidays it’s their catching up with their dad time. And somehow I understand and don’t mind because they live far and rarely see each other so it’s important they see their dad. I once asked why we can’t just go on holiday together it would be cheaper and he said they prefer him alone to get his total attention. The youngest daughter joined us once on holiday and the moment she arrived everything changed. My DH was anxious as hell, We had to do everything she wanted to do, eat where she wanted to eat etc regardless of what young kids prefers or were capable of, and the whole time she only spoke to her dad, walked hand in hand ahead of us, the kids tried to engage her but she just smiled at them. in the end I just said no me and the kids will stay in the villa you go off and enjoy yourselves. I’ve refused for her to join any of our holidays since. I’d rather go to Skegness and have happy times with my girls my kids have kind of now known especially my eldest that they don’t like us she has asked me before. But because we don’t see them often it’s not such a problem to me.

It was one week after our wedding.

Stick your name on his present to them, from you both

Every post about your husband is worse.
You need to find your anger.
How dare he allow his child to spoil the holiday for the rest of his family.

He's a shit father and husband.
Nothing worse that a weak spineless man afraid of his children from his first relationship.

Your step daughters sound like a pair of ugly sisters from Cinderella, and your dh sounds like a walking prick.

My view is that your husband should take the emotional responsibility of buying them something, you are allowed to refuse to do it yourself but he is the dad, he should do it then.

OP forget about the gifts, don't give it any more headspace. Your DH and step-daughters have drained enough of your life, time to focus on you and your DC.

Work out your current and future financial situation and stop accepting the inheritance plan as a given. Think about whether you want to even stay with your DH.

Don't waste time on pettiness that doesn't affect you and your DC's future, such as your step-daughers' gifts or their meal. I wouldn't be cooking the meal on the 27th - time to drop the rope on that as well. No reason not to get a takeaway or your DH to cook.

Bless your MIL for being a compassionate person and helping you through this.

Thank you all about your honest opinions, the brunt of it is my DH is always scared of his daughters I have never understood why. Yes when it comes to them he is weak. He even sort counselling when I tried to leave once. To figure out why he can’t just face them and tell them the truth. It didn’t work.
I’ve tried to help, I’ve tried to talk to them to reassure them that nothing will ever change with me being present in their life, I’ve apologised for the changes they had to endure as teens due to their parents splitting up.
I said the same thing to them when our daughter was born. I’ve cooked, entertained smiled and waved as much as I possible could over the years, I’ve embarrassed myself and put up with things I shouldn’t have put up with, I don’t know why I did. I’m working on myself and how to say no and how to be assertive and firm.
I’m finding my anger as someone said. I hate arguments or upsetting people. But this has led to me being taken advantage of. I know it’s insane but that’s been my reality.
For the sake of my daughters and myself I’m doing something about it. It’s a slow process yes but I will get there. A simple post about presents had evoked memories in my head that are quite painful and disturbing and to think I put up with, some of it w oils not allow now so it’s an achievement to me that I can put my foot down even if it’s a tiny bit.
I work full time and earn a good wage not as high as my DH or DSC but I’m happy to contribute my fair share of our lives because apparently the girls tell him not to waste their inheritance so I have to pay for things. I’ve accepted this because I lived alone for a while with my kids and paid for things so it doesn’t make a difference to me. I’ve never understood the inheritance thing but I respect their views.

Now though I will seek legal advice and change the things which doesn’t favour me or my kids, we matter too.
I don’t want to grow into a resentful woman to two girls who are a product of their parents divorcing or not being raised right.
They probably don’t know any different. Demand and expectation has probably been part of their upbringing and so they do not see anything wrong with it. But I’ve chosen to be left out of that demand and expectation now. I never caused their pain. I must not suffer for something that happened when I was not around. My DH’s guilt is not mine to bear. He said that ex asked him to leave for several years and eventually he left.
he dated before me so it’s not like I was the first. But I know for sure that no matter what woman who comes they will get the same treatment.

I will look into speaking to a solicitor then with the advice she gives me I will speak to my DH to see if we can make changes if not then it’s time I lived my life the way I want to. My late MIL used to tell me “fight for it” it will be all worth it. But then again she was just looking out for her son. She tried her best to be honest. She told me long time ago to tell the girls to go to hell. Of F off but I just kept trying hoping that they would see my intentions.
I will not be replying to any messages as I’m traveling but I thank you all liberated women. Some of the comments were so funny and I wished I was that blunt and that brave. I enjoy Mumsnet and the support it give us. I’ve learnt a lot from this simple post about gifting.

@Mamana127 you mention coming from a different culture - could the girls attitude come down to culture/racism at its base? Like they feel superior to you?

I would be taking DH to counselling as a couple. The girls are adults now and he needs to work on having a stronger relationship with you.

You sound such a kind, lovable person OP. What a pity it's been used against you.

How does one edit these posts because my typos are as exhausting as my husband 😂😂😂

They’re adults - they don’t need to have holidays with their father any more. I didn’t know any adults that have holidays with their parents unless the whole family is there.

Your DH sounds like a cock.

I’ve been with my DP two years, and I always buy for his girls and even their Mum (DP’s ex) goes out with the girls to get some bits with them for my birthday and Xmas, as well as DP sorting bits with the girls for me too. DP and I put both of our names on all the presents from us.

This seems like a good way forward. I’ve never received separate gifts from a married couple. Ever.

It’s not “their inheritance”—it is your marital income. With care costs, they may end up with £0. But that’s not the point—it is not up to DSDs how the marital assets in your marriage are spent or allocated. It is only their business once it is actually their inheritance—after death.

I did the same with the step kids, it was all one sided, I would but for her and her half sister birthdays xmas Easter ect, never thanks, nothing sent for my kids, I stopped it when she was I high school, she doesn't contact us anymore because we don't buy her gifts !!

I think despite your protestations you have been trying to buy their love, I would never keep buying presents for people who don't reciprocate-why would you?
Your DH wants them to have presents he should buy them, he is being totally unreasonable expecting you to keep going to the effort- they are adults too, they can't and shouldn't be treated as if they are both toddlers, and know no better.
Your husband's attitude worries me far more than that of your step daughters, it's not normal, or balanced.
Why would you both buy them presents? My parents have been divorced since I was 8 (I'm 62 now) and I have NEVER received a present just off my step mother, it is always joint with my father.Your DH's refusal to put you on his gift is just weird.
These daughters sound incredibly spoilt, and your husband is used to the idea they always get spoilt- you need to deal with this head on with you DH, he needs to be made to see his attitude is not normal-valuing his daughters hugely more than you, he also sounds controlling and not respectful, you have made up your mind, and he has to respect that.

Before reading the entire op, I was irritated to say you were being unreasonable. It you’re not

I think the problem started from your husband. Why were you both having to buy separate gifts for his daughters? Are you not a united couple?

they are very entitled people. Are they not embarrassed to recurve gifts from you, buy for their dad but have to sit there empty handed while everyone but you and your kids open presents?

are your kids just YOUR kids or are they also your husband’s? These girls’ half siblings? If so, doubly rude and entitled.

my husband has a step mother. Arrived in our lives just a few years ago after widowed FIL met her. We buy her a birthday gift (send flowers) and a gift at Christmas. Nothing major - flowers, a scarf, a plant or we may give a gift voucher for their local favourite restaurant as a “couple” gift for them together. We do this to be nice and be respectful of FIL’s choice. (You’d never know we were not actually happy about the situation. We keep that to ourselves or anonymous posts!)

When me and DH were first together . He had 1dd and I had 2.
I spent many hours thinking of things that she would like ..sourcing them .sending for them etc.
Same at birthdays.
But when it was HDs birthday or father's day he would get nothing. Not even a card. He would say that was because we lived over 100 miles apart ...or she doesn't think...or some other crap reasons
It came to a head when we met up with her one weekend in a city near her
.it was his actual birth DAY...the perfect situation to give him a card.....and...nothing..
And I said that's it.. done.. And I bloody well am
Now DH has terminal cancer.. and she won't come and visit him. My own dds are furious with her They say she'll leave it too late..and they'll have no sympathy for her..

Just came on to say you are correct op.
Your husbands children sound very rude and entitled.

She will visit quick enough if she thinks there is any inheritance in the offing though. I am sorry for your situation and hope that your dd's at least are some comfort to you both xx

My partner has had similar issues with his DD but not to the extent of your DH. He left when his DD was 17, loveless marriage & got treated like a dog. I was in a similar position but my DD was only 4 & we were in a domestic abuse situation. We both took a leap of faith in each other and have been so happy together bringing my DD up. All 3 of us have suffered in different ways from both my ex and my partner's grown up DD, now in her 30s. Finally my partner has cut her loose, bye love, after 16 years - she's been playing games all that time but not any more. We're both still married to our respective exes - mine called a halt to the divorce after the marital home was sold, he refused to sort the financial side out so now he's in his 60s the clock is ticking - he has a really good pension but he won't sort the PSO out - I don't have the money to force the issue so no idea what happens to it.

I can understand how your DH struggles to manage his horrid daughters - it sounds like it's either their way or get lost - he's being manipulated. He ought to call their bluff & dump the pair of them, he's remarried with another DD and 2 stepchildren who would benefit from his full attention and so would you. Don't you deserve some peace, all of you?