Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

[Mamana127]

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

👏👏

All the money he has put into the house which is the majority goes to his kids if he dies. But I really need to look into this because the way they treat me they might as me to buy them out or put the house on sale or something. I’ve just been so involved in raising my kids and not had a thought but since this post I’m researching and will definitely see a solicitor independently to understand it all.

Pretty sure she said the DSD was 27? And DH would have know it was the day before her birthday but was happy to get married that day until DSD kicked off.

OP, please don’t buy these spoiled madams another thing.
And be very firm with your husband. He’s in the wrong.

I find it so bizarre he expects you to get them separate presents. Most families just do joint. Why are they so special?

Your DH should buy gifts from both of you.

I reckon your husband has deliberately screwed you over upon marriage regarding the house.

You are married a long time not to have more than the bare minimum.
Definitely seek legal advice because I wonder would you be able to contest what he has allocated you.

He most certainly is not a good man.
He's a weak little weasel.

You deserve so much better.

It's a bit odd (purely in my opinion, of course) that you would buy separately from your DH. Surely gifts are from you both when you're married?
I totally understand why you'd want to stop buying for them but, personally, I'd continue. Just seems a bit churlish to stop now when they're in their mid twenties. Again, just my opinion!
I do feel that you need to talk to your husband about this and make sure he realises how hurt you are.

I would say that you're right not to buy for them anymore. You've bought them gifts for years and found out that they don't appreciate them according to MIL. Your DH just doesn't want them upset but it's OK that you're upset, in fact he gets angry at you when you're upset.

Broken/split families are never easy to navigate especially when a new family forms from what once was 'their family'. To see you and your children happy with their dad, as a family, must be painful for any child and difficult to accept. The only way a break-up can be explained to children/teens is if both their parents are honest with them if and when they ask questions. Most relationships don't break up that way - none that I know of have. There are always casualties.

What's your DH's relationship like with his ex? Does she have a new partner? Why did their marriage break down? These are all factors that play a part in the bigger picture - it sounds like there's resentment towards you from your stepdaughters even though you have said your DH had other relationships before he met you. I would guess that once you moved in together it showed permanence - dad's not coming back! Then you had a child together which cemented your relationship further and then you got married. You're entitled to do these things, you're not responsible for how anyone feels about them - if anything it's DH's responsibility to explain to his children - but that's down to him - it's his baggage so to speak.

I think you buying presents for his children separately was a mistake, he should have put all your names on together & then him buy them something separately if that was necessary.

As you go through life it's very bumpy and our feelings get hurt by all sorts of things, there's nothing worse than ill feeling and people not explaining why or why not - you're just left with the hurt for even caring.

Good for you doing therapy, I know it's an invaluable tool when things get tough, it's hard trying to please everyone else whilst neglecting ourselves - put yourself first sometimes just like everyone else seems to xx

Maybe the step kids don’t want to get into exchanging gifts and you’ve not picked up on it? Maybe text them and say you’re sorry you’ve been slow on the uptake but you’ve got it now and won’t be gifting in the future

But surely if they ask him why they haven't got presents he can tell them it's because of the way they behaved every single year? Why would he not take advantage of that opportunity?

I have never met the ex face to face so I go by what my DH has told me:- that they fizzled out, were constantly fighting and slept in separate bedrooms for years. His version. My MIL also said negative things about her but she said she changed used to be nice. (Probably know why) 😂
I’ve really stayed away from their issues as it had nothing to do with me, I only knew what MIL told me but I know when I had the baby they were all distraught even asked him that she will allow him back together if he could cut links with me and the baby forever. He refused. These all came from MIL 😂 we sound so dysfunctional don’t we 😂.
Yes she has got a boyfriend who live separately.
their relationship is up and down, when he can’t meet her demands she blocks him. Gets the kids to tell him to do it and he runs there even if it means missing work.
She blocked him when we got engaged, then unblocked him when she needed him to fix things. She blocked him again when we got married for a long time but they are talking again I believe. They have kids so I guess it’s natural that they talk.
I guess they hate me because I meant permanent breakup but I honestly just met a single guy and fell in love with him. My DH is a great guy but he just cannot navigate or blend the two families together, he is the happiest when his girls are talking to me nicely and visiting which I always make absolute effort. I have done everything in my power to try and have a relationship with them but they are just not interested. He has to have two holidays one with them and one with us.
my MIL told me that the relationships he had after leaving could not handle the pressure his daughters and ex put on him. They left. I left too at some point. He would say ok I’ve changed then back to square one. I don’t want him to neglect his girls that would break my heart. But I also don’t want to feel how I’m feeling anymore.
i think he find me easy to let down and confront that the others and that tells me a lot.

I’ve thought about that too because sometimes they reject the gifts. But it’s my DH who always instigated this are getting anything for my girls? Even when we are holiday I’m required to buy something. Maybe he is trying to show them “ I’m nice” I don’t know. I’ve tried having conversations with them when they visit but it just ends up into yes or no conversation where I’m priding and they answer with two liners. You know I’ve actually scared of speaking to them I can’t txt them. They will turn it into a big thing. If they don’t mind not receiving gifts from
me they will just breath a sigh of relief then, won’t they.

Hopefully he will because things are changing round here. His tendency to leave something for a day or two surfaced again this evening when he asked me if I’m serious about not buying them gifts. I said yes like a heart attack, then he said well that will just confirm their fears then you don’t buy them presents and you are not here to entertain them as guests when they come. I just laughed and said oh well my fears were confirmed many years ago and this is how it’s going to be from now on or you meet up with them in a put like you do sometimes. And left it at that.
I told him if it’s so important to the to receive gifts from me then now we are married he should buy gifts and put my both our names on them after all we are married we speak as a team.

Does he buy your children seperate gifts from you? If not point that out to him. I would also say it's not just how they treat you but your children too and that you feel it's better not to keep trying.

You say DH is nice to you but he doesn’t sound very nice. Refusing to put your name on gifts he buys for his daughters and father is not nice. Leaving his entire share of the house to his daughters even though you are contributing to it and have a child together is not nice. Letting his daughters treat you badly or indifferently for years is not nice.

Awful husband. Stick to your guns.

Why can’t your husband put your name on the presents he got them? Yous are married so i assume yous share an income. So it’s from both of you however you look at it. He’s being unreasonable, he could avoid possible avoid drama by simply adding your name to a card . I don’t like him sorry.

True I'm afraid.
My step sons have always got me gifts , even when I've said there's no need
That's so sad for you.

I’m not understanding how you and your DH have allowed you to become this invisible, subservient, secondhand citizen in your own family. You need to take up space, make some noise and demand your rights - for you and your child.

I think your problem lies less with your SDs and more with DH. If this is is attitude on other areas of life, then frankly he sounds vile, tone deaf and unsupportive. Sorry OP, but he needs to see your point of view and support your decision on this.

Rightly or wrongly, the birthday thing sounds like it didn't help things

Honestly OP, your DH really isn't a nice man. He is spineless at best.

I have extensive experience in blended families, and despite some of it being better than others, I have not encountered someone like your husband.

He is so weak it is painful to read. I couldn't stand another day with him but that's me

I am pleased to read you standing your ground though, please stay rooted in this decision. At the same time seek legal advice because you are wedded to a gutless twat that I wouldn't trust an inch when it comes to your stake in your assets. I agree with pp that in many ways you would be better off divorcing but I understand that is easy for us to type out - when it is your life and only you really know how bad it is.

I am wondering what happens when this gruesome pair of sisters marry? Will you even be invited... when they have children etc. I just think after so many years their coldness towards you is entrenched and they won't be softening no matter what. Spiteful pair!

I would move forward very single mindedly now. Thinking only of what is best for you and your 3 children.

I'll say it again, your H isn't a good husband, he really doesn't care how you or your children are treated as long as he doesn't have to grow a pair and confront the ugly sisters and their bitter mother.

yes he does, he buys them small gifts just from him. I think this has opened my eyes a lot and moving forward everyone should just receive one gift from us. That should simplify things to ALL concerned because we are ending up spending a fortune on presents to family unnecessarily. Perhaps this is what they have always done and I just joined the mix but it needs to change, even my kids need just one present from us really. I’ll discuss this with him today so that I’m making change to everyone not just his girls. For example him and my SIL have bought their dad a present together but he emailled me with what he wants for Christmas. Knowing that his two kids have already got him something. Same for my SIL I always get her and her kids presents (money) and he never gets them anything so perhaps and doesn’t ask to be included.

Probably didn’t, but it probably stems from many years of me being told to do things how other people want them and not how I want them. The previous me would have rolled over and let DH pay the extra money required for the day change but I stood my ground for once and that was the beginning of changes I was making my voice to be heard.
guess what? The day after our wedding they asked for a holiday for her birthday and they went away for a week, because xxx was upset. It explained why every time I was asking to book our honey moon I was being told we should wait a few months first before going anywhere to get over the wedding. So he technically took his two daughter to his honeymoon 😂again my MIL was totally distraught I was distraught but I thought about her feelings and forgot about it. Yes I’ve got a DH problem big time the girls needed guiding when he decided to date but it seems he over promised the ex and the girls things he could not stand by or keep. Impossible when you involve a third party.
He even tried to have councelling to figure out why he can’t find a balance that didn’t work. He still expects me to smile and wave and look pretty while neglecting my feelings and needs. I thought that marriage would change things, it some things not much. The girls continue to dominate and I have to say yes. Or we have problems. Well I will push for change as much as I can if not then I’ll jump out.