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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is it with people being so dismissive ?

137 replies

twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:07

I was seeing some family the other day and they asked me how a new job was going. I mentioned a lot of positives and then also some negatives, in particular that someone had said some things to me and I was a bit worried as a result about the company culture and whether I was going to fit into it as a working parent. The thread isn't about what was said, it's about the reaction of the person I was speaking to..

The person was at first very reluctant to even actually respond and then they said ' oh I'm sure that person didn't mean it. Oh I'm sure they say that to everyone.' It really wasn't a situation where I misunderstood something. I felt totally dismissed. I would literally NEVER respond like this to anyone. Even if I disagreed, I would still say something like ' oh that sounds difficult. I understand how that wasn't a helpful thing for that person to say. Do you think there's any chance they're just a bit clueless? '. Or something along those lines, to not entirely dismiss that person's concerns.

I've noticed this kind of thing has happened a few times and it always makes me feel rubbish. And no before you come for me, I'm not always sitting around complaining any more than anyone else in the extended family.

Often this has happened with younger family members, could it be an age thing ? Occasionally my MIL also does it to me. I never open up and tell her anything anymore because she always dismissed my feelings immediately anyway.

But the thing I told the other member of the family the other day would have been something MIL would have totally agreed with me with. She wouldn't have brushed it off like that at all. The thing I was concerned about came from the most senior person in my office and not from some random. It's definitely not ideal.

I feel like it's toxic positivity mixed with just poor social skills. Or they just think I'm a whiney idiot. I promise you that I do not complain about things any more than any other person in the family whatsoever. I'm just talking about my life and experiences.

OP posts:
leafybrew · 15/12/2024 06:13

Maybe they didn't agree with you? People react differently? They wanted to change the subject to talk about something else?

I would move on and not speak about work again to that person.

araiwa · 15/12/2024 06:14

Simple conversations shouldn't be this difficult

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 15/12/2024 06:17

Your whole post is complicated.

Meadowfinch · 15/12/2024 06:19

People are allowed to disagree with you. They are allowed to express those views. They don't have to agree.

You take one approach, amiable and non-confrontational, they don't. I act like you when I'm talking to someone in the office. Superficial and the path of least resistance, because I'm there to work not chat.

At home, if my DS says something I think is silly or self indulgent like complaining about a teacher I know to be kind and committed, I usually call him out. It depends on the circumstances. He puts his view, tries to change my opinion. We have healthy debate. A meaningful conversation. That's good.

Would you rather they said what they do not think, just to humour you? That's pretty patronising.

SchoolDilemma17 · 15/12/2024 06:19

Sounds like you are overthinking every conversation a lot. Most people don’t want to hear work drama when making small talk

Onlycoffee · 15/12/2024 06:19

I know what you mean. It's frustrating and invalidating.
When people have their own problems causing anxiety they might not have the capacity to consider others problems as well.

It could be inattention and lack of empathy, not really listening or hearing what you're saying and then not considering how that might actually feel.

Yes toxic positivity, it's all good bro ✌️😁✌️

Pat888 · 15/12/2024 06:22

It's a bit like telling someone you have cancer and they say 'You'll be fine, you'll be fine' - I suppose they think they are being reassuring or they just don't know what to say.

Original poster
twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:22

SchoolDilemma17 · 15/12/2024 06:19

Sounds like you are overthinking every conversation a lot. Most people don’t want to hear work drama when making small talk

Not really at all. It doesn't happen much. But it really stands out to me when it does happen- when people behave this way towards me.

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 15/12/2024 06:22

Yes I have noticed that sometimes people do this. I think it is a clumsy way of trying to make you feel better in a kind of oh you must be mistaken it wasn’t that bad, sort of way.
Either that or they are bad at handling emotions, what I’d you cry, what will they do.
Alternatively they want to talk about themselves, so basically are trying to shut you up.
People are very self absorbed these days.

Original poster
twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:23

Pat888 · 15/12/2024 06:22

It's a bit like telling someone you have cancer and they say 'You'll be fine, you'll be fine' - I suppose they think they are being reassuring or they just don't know what to say.

I can actually understand that more, even though of course it's not an ideal response.

T

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 15/12/2024 06:23

I think they are trying to be reassuring, but I agree it's dismissive when you are trying to be heard.

Guavafish1 · 15/12/2024 06:25

Work talk can be boring and it’s difficult for someone else to understand unless they work in the same field or place.

You sound like you want them to agree with you, but people can be more passive and don’t want confrontation.

Original poster
twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:26

I don't think it's that they're disagreeing with me. It's a different thing. And also why would you disagree with someone's experience ? A family member comes to you telling you they're upset and you just disagree with them ? I wouldn't do that. I don't think that's very kind. The upset is real. Hear them out. Don't just disagree with their experience and dismiss them.

If you think they miss understood the cause of upset, you can share that with them in a more sensitive way too.

OP posts:
Radishknot · 15/12/2024 06:29

Are you sure they are not just trying to make you feel better by downplaying it as opposed to dismissing it?

willtheguiltend · 15/12/2024 06:29

I do this with individuals who have a pattern of making a big issue out of minor things. It's actually comes from a place of lack of energy to converse about the subject, especially when someone has this tendency, also sometimes it's a lack of interest in the subject.
I'm not suggesting you do this, merely offering my perspective. But you know, I'm sure it'll be okay, she probably wasn't realising she was doing it, maybe she had a lot on her plate and couldn't offer anything more than that.

SchoolDilemma17 · 15/12/2024 06:31

I think they are not interested in your detailed work issues and frankly most people are not. “How is work going?” is a small talk question and doesn’t require an in depth answer discussing work culture and one person’s comments.

you can’t change people, you can change your reaction. I don’t know why you would feel bad if someone doesn’t agree with you. Just move on and and keep conversation light and non confrontational.

Guavafish1 · 15/12/2024 06:33

It depends on the person you speak to and what type of reaction you will get….

Some will be more practical in their response
some are empathetic
some dismissive (I think someone said it’s more clumsy way of giving you some reassurance)
some will be outraged and get emotional

Different people will react differently.

Original poster
twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:34

SchoolDilemma17 · 15/12/2024 06:31

I think they are not interested in your detailed work issues and frankly most people are not. “How is work going?” is a small talk question and doesn’t require an in depth answer discussing work culture and one person’s comments.

you can’t change people, you can change your reaction. I don’t know why you would feel bad if someone doesn’t agree with you. Just move on and and keep conversation light and non confrontational.

Edited

We are actually in a similar line of work and in the family work is discussed quite a bit.. sound riveting I know but that's just how it is.

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 15/12/2024 06:34

I think it can be a habit to always gloss over any issues and not wanting to get involved. Also mostly when we say ,how are you, most usually expect a 'fine thank you'. I really don't think it means more than that others are on automatic pilot. But yes it can feel dismissive and meaningless. I don't think it's a new thing though.

Original poster
twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:35

willtheguiltend · 15/12/2024 06:29

I do this with individuals who have a pattern of making a big issue out of minor things. It's actually comes from a place of lack of energy to converse about the subject, especially when someone has this tendency, also sometimes it's a lack of interest in the subject.
I'm not suggesting you do this, merely offering my perspective. But you know, I'm sure it'll be okay, she probably wasn't realising she was doing it, maybe she had a lot on her plate and couldn't offer anything more than that.

Yes I understand that type of person who always seems to have the drama about everything.

OP posts:
Apolloneuro · 15/12/2024 06:35

I think, rightly or wrongly, that if you feel this happens quite often, you’re coming across as a bit of a moaner and people are hinting at you to lighten up?

Original poster
twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:37

Apolloneuro · 15/12/2024 06:35

I think, rightly or wrongly, that if you feel this happens quite often, you’re coming across as a bit of a moaner and people are hinting at you to lighten up?

I think it happens with the same couple of people. Because of their style. I don't think I'm a moaner, not any more than anyone else anyway tbh.

When they open up or ' moan ' about something, I'm just a lot kinder to them.

OP posts:
Apolloneuro · 15/12/2024 06:39

twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:37

I think it happens with the same couple of people. Because of their style. I don't think I'm a moaner, not any more than anyone else anyway tbh.

When they open up or ' moan ' about something, I'm just a lot kinder to them.

Show quote history

How are they with each other? Is it just their style or have you noticed it only towards you?

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 15/12/2024 06:42

Your relative was probably trying to keep their shit together because they don't understand why adults no longer seem to be able to take constructive criticism without thinking it's so personal. In work or social life, it seems everyone wants a parade if they manage to turn up forwok (not necessarily on time), or do their work, or get to the venue. Then they need to be told how wonderful they are and how marvellous they look.

Original poster
twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:45

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 15/12/2024 06:42

Your relative was probably trying to keep their shit together because they don't understand why adults no longer seem to be able to take constructive criticism without thinking it's so personal. In work or social life, it seems everyone wants a parade if they manage to turn up forwok (not necessarily on time), or do their work, or get to the venue. Then they need to be told how wonderful they are and how marvellous they look.

You literally have nothing to base these assumptions on about me.

OP posts: