What is it with people being so dismissive ?

[twinklefar]

I was seeing some family the other day and they asked me how a new job was going. I mentioned a lot of positives and then also some negatives, in particular that someone had said some things to me and I was a bit worried as a result about the company culture and whether I was going to fit into it as a working parent. The thread isn't about what was said, it's about the reaction of the person I was speaking to..

The person was at first very reluctant to even actually respond and then they said ' oh I'm sure that person didn't mean it. Oh I'm sure they say that to everyone.' It really wasn't a situation where I misunderstood something. I felt totally dismissed. I would literally NEVER respond like this to anyone. Even if I disagreed, I would still say something like ' oh that sounds difficult. I understand how that wasn't a helpful thing for that person to say. Do you think there's any chance they're just a bit clueless? '. Or something along those lines, to not entirely dismiss that person's concerns.

I've noticed this kind of thing has happened a few times and it always makes me feel rubbish. And no before you come for me, I'm not always sitting around complaining any more than anyone else in the extended family.

Often this has happened with younger family members, could it be an age thing ? Occasionally my MIL also does it to me. I never open up and tell her anything anymore because she always dismissed my feelings immediately anyway.

But the thing I told the other member of the family the other day would have been something MIL would have totally agreed with me with. She wouldn't have brushed it off like that at all. The thing I was concerned about came from the most senior person in my office and not from some random. It's definitely not ideal.

I feel like it's toxic positivity mixed with just poor social skills. Or they just think I'm a whiney idiot. I promise you that I do not complain about things any more than any other person in the family whatsoever. I'm just talking about my life and experiences.

@twinklefar I doubt it's that thenperson dislikes you but they are at a social occasion and want to keep things light. Deep and meaningful conversations about perceives slights are for one on one encounters or possibly a therapist.

I'm afraid my response would probably have been "how frustrating for you, now I think we need to get those minces pies moving, let's take a plate each and offer them round".

Personally, I think you need to address boundaries at work, get on with the job and stop worrying about what was probably a throwaway comment.

You don't know what happened and also you don't even know what I said.

I can't ever imagine responding the way you would to anyone.

@twinklefar exactly the response I was expecting.

That sounds very passive aggressive. Do you honestly never have a moan in group conversations out and about? All the time you just do “surface and pleasant”?

I can honestly never think of a social gathering whether some kind of difficult topic doesn’t come up during the conversation at some stage death, divorce, children moans, work moans interspersed with all of the light fun stuff across the course of the outing. It is far from normal to think that day to day moans are only for a therapist. Certainly from my wide and varied social interactions across many different environments, day to day moans are par for the course. Yes some people go over board with it and we only have the OPs say so that that is not her but I’m willing to take her at face value.

I totally agree with this. I find that posters response bizarre and almost from a comedy sketch… “quick, someone seems to be daring to show some emotion… Nigel grab the mince pies quickly, MINCE PIES anyone??!?!”

I find that surface level banal superficial small talk utterly mind numbing, and I know many others feel the same. I am not saying that we should be trauma dumping either (the other extreme) but people should be able to mention tame issues they are experiencing without those around them malfunctioning like humanoid robots.

Your reaction seems quite extreme and possibly a bit blinkered.

To go from their attempting to minimise a negative situation to "they don't care about me and think I'm stupid; I won't invest time in them again" feels a big leap.

People have given you lots of possible reasons for their responsep; many were well meaning or out of concern. To ignore those in favour of a harsh judgement feels like either you're looking for an excuse to step back from this person or you have a very "with me or against me" mindset.

I'm not sure how helpful to you that is.

I get the different reasons why this may have been her response but it's just with other things that have happened, it just feels like it's because she doesn't like me. I just feel it in my gut and have felt it for a while.

Interesting. This very thing happens on the regular on MN aibu and relationships. "My boyfriend/husband/whatever screwed my sister, burned my house down and ate my favourite poodle." "Well, he must have been really hungry." "Houses do burn down you know." "I'm sure he didn't mean to have sex with her. If it was dark he may have thought it was you." And so on.

Not everyone needs or wants their feelings validated so not everyone is going to automatically respond to you in that way. Some people want a solution, some want reassurance, some another perspective, some just to get it off their chest.
If it is upsetting you so much that people don't validate your feelings you are best telling people upfront what you are looking for and/or only talk to people who you know give you the response you want when you are in a situation where you think you need validation.

I laughed out loud at that ad yes it is very common especially on AIBU for posters to be incredibly dismissive at times.

The dismissive people tend to be the ones who make the most fuss when they are going through bad times ( so I've realized over the years !)

Cross with work person for something they said...
Cross with family member for reaction to you talking about it...
Cross with posters for talking about family member reaction to work person comments...
It's like an elaborate unhappiness pyramid scheme, designed to keep expanding on your aggravation. Where does it end?

It can be frustrating when someone misreads cues and embarks on a multi-hour trauma dump from "how are you?", equally frustrating if someone cites a comment that you agree with (but don't want a row!). The easiest conversations are those that develop through staged questions; two-way real dialogue rather than monologues that demand some specific response.

Some people do have a need for lot more energy from others, which is fine as we all differ, but you need to learn how to control that need to take energy from others rather than thinking that you have a right to demand that someone spends significant amounts of their precious free time listening to trivial problems. You don't know everything that others have already dealt with that week, they could already be at burn-out where this immediate extra demand is just too much. When you have a serious issue, it's fine to dive in, but for this minor stuff it is really important to learn to read cues and keep light where necessary. Develop a bigger network and there will be someone who has the energy at the time you need them.