What is it with people being so dismissive ?

[twinklefar]

I was seeing some family the other day and they asked me how a new job was going. I mentioned a lot of positives and then also some negatives, in particular that someone had said some things to me and I was a bit worried as a result about the company culture and whether I was going to fit into it as a working parent. The thread isn't about what was said, it's about the reaction of the person I was speaking to..

The person was at first very reluctant to even actually respond and then they said ' oh I'm sure that person didn't mean it. Oh I'm sure they say that to everyone.' It really wasn't a situation where I misunderstood something. I felt totally dismissed. I would literally NEVER respond like this to anyone. Even if I disagreed, I would still say something like ' oh that sounds difficult. I understand how that wasn't a helpful thing for that person to say. Do you think there's any chance they're just a bit clueless? '. Or something along those lines, to not entirely dismiss that person's concerns.

I've noticed this kind of thing has happened a few times and it always makes me feel rubbish. And no before you come for me, I'm not always sitting around complaining any more than anyone else in the extended family.

Often this has happened with younger family members, could it be an age thing ? Occasionally my MIL also does it to me. I never open up and tell her anything anymore because she always dismissed my feelings immediately anyway.

But the thing I told the other member of the family the other day would have been something MIL would have totally agreed with me with. She wouldn't have brushed it off like that at all. The thing I was concerned about came from the most senior person in my office and not from some random. It's definitely not ideal.

I feel like it's toxic positivity mixed with just poor social skills. Or they just think I'm a whiney idiot. I promise you that I do not complain about things any more than any other person in the family whatsoever. I'm just talking about my life and experiences.

I do. The mums at school ask me all the time how my new job is going and I say ' great thanks ! How are you ? '

This is a relative who spends several hours at my house most weekends. It's a bit different.

'I feel like it's toxic positivity mixed with just poor social skills'

I think you're probably right, it's a good description. My family are very much like this, I feel there is never any space for me to share what's going on with me. They dismiss, downplay, minimise or even downright ignore. So I have stopped sharing anything that's even slightly important to me. I see them rarely, which also helps

OP - it sounds like the relative got it wrong on this case, but validating feelings isn’t always right.

If a toddler falls and cries, do you rush in all concerned and make a big fuss or do you say, ‘oops, these things happen, you’re ok’ with a smile.

The former is validating feelings but likely to lead to difficulties when the child goes to school and other kids don’t make a fuss. The latter is less immediately validating but may be ultimately kinder.

I totally understand that. What I’m trying to explain to you is that if you are someone who tends to focus on problems a lot, particularly when the vibe is more superficial chat but perhaps you’re missing that, always validating becomes part of the problem because it continues the conversation and reinforces that behaviour.

I don’t know you so would usually take what a poster says as fact but your post about cancer is very jarring in that picture and to me, suggests that your communication style may not be as you think it is. What you want to do with that is up to you.

@YourTurnForTheTree it just makes me dislike them and not want to spend time with them. It makes me feel like they think I'm not worth being nice to. Or they think I'm an idiot clearly, so why should I waste my time with someone who thinks I'm an idiot ?

Some people only want surface level chat. When they ask how you are you are suppose to answer I am well. How’s the new job, oh it’s good thanks type of conversation. My Dad is like this and I have previously tried to have more in depth chats which him but his nonchalant, not in

You can only change you
Stop discussing things like this and keep it superficial

• Have you thought about if you are an empath or highly sensitive person
• have you thought about either only asking those you know will understand, or self soothing more and so treating yourself in the way you would like others to respond

In the situation you describe I would say they are not that interested. I find work culture etc really interesting so probably would have engaged more.

Also some people only want surface level engagement / small talk. It took me a while to understand this. I don’t really do small talk but have learnt to keep majority of interactions bright and breezy and to keep the in depth conversation to those who are interested.

They aren't going to give you what you need so stop expecting it

@friendconcern what does that post make you think I'm like exactly and I'll tell you if that's how I am.

I already explained how I meant it. I don't think it's ever fine to dismiss anyone with ' you'll be fine '. Ever.

I’m sorry you have had personal experience with cancer.

Can you understand that I was in no way saying that the toxic positivity surrounding cancer is right? So please don’t put words in to my mouth.

The op and I are saying that the fact it happens so much when the subject of cancer comes up - and is WRONG - makes it less surprising when it happens. Because if the frequency. Not because it’s right.

There’s a huge difference between the two!

@Imafraidtosayctr8 agreed. It's never actually OK !

Oh love, that’s quite a big reaction. Are there other things going on? I don’t want to be presumptuous, but maybe talking to a professional might be helpful (and I say this as someone who’s openly been seeing a psychotherapist for a long term. It’s changed my life, pretty much)

OP - if this is your mum, she is most likely now worrying that your new job isn’t going to work out. My mum would have done the same with a new job as she wants it to go well, and wants to make sure that it does. She would have found agreeing that there’s a major concern difficult as she wanted things to go well for me.

Friends simply aren’t as invested. As a result, I shared my work concerns more with friends.

Does that mean my friends were more empathetic?

They validated my feelings much more and were very helpful. But I doubt any of them ever lay awake at night worrying about whether my job was working out.

I've found particularly this year that people are dismissive until it happens to them. I've been terrified and distraught this summer and one ex friend told me to take it easy. This friend had mad dramatics and outbursts over nothing. So I do hope when something life altering happens to her someone tells her the same thing.

@Apolloneuro I've had a good amount of therapy in my life and I think everyone should have it, so I'm not offended.

Something has been off with this person, it's not an isolated incidence in that sense. Is it an overreaction to not want to spend entire weekends with people who are cold and dismissive? I don't think so really.

It depends if they add other value to your life. The friend who dismissed my comments about my difficult family, has other qualities. So we are still friends but I don’t confide in her any more.

It’s up to you of course how much time you spend with her. Do you think she really thinks you are an idiot though? Just because she couldn’t be bothered to engage or empathise, doesn’t necessarily mean she thinks that?

Eugh, even reading your posts is a bit exhausting OP. There's just a general sense of being a bit of an over thinker/reading too much into everything/wanting to justify your own actions even to complete strangers on the internet. Truth is, your relative probably finds you quite hard work. You don't think they're very kind to you. It's that simple, just spend less time with them. You can't force someone to like you who doesn't.

I wouldn’t want to spend an entire weekend with anyone! Who is this relative? Your own child? Otherwise why are you quite so bothered?

I may be wrong but it sounds like the crux of the matter is that this person spends a lot of time in your house at weekends yet you feel deep down they don't like you very much and therefore you're feeling a bit used.

If that is correct then cut down their visits. No need to make a big drama of it, just don't invite them around. Be busy doing other stuff, with other people.

Of course it’s not, but assuming their reaction means they think you’re an idiot and not worth caring about, possibly is?

Edited - do you think you’re an idiot and not worth caring about?

Agree Op Calling yourself names isn't helpful

There are/a number of things that might make someone react like this
They feel uncomfortable
They feel you are oversharing/ complaining
They don't want to talk about the subject anymore

I would take it as a social cue and just share less, make a mental note to keep it to " good thanks"
By continuing to share, expect a different reaction to one you KNOW you won't get, you are allowing them to be dismissive to you

So stop

'Is it an overreaction to not want to spend entire weekends with people who are cold and dismissive? I don't think so really'

No, not at all. And if you were having a moan, and blowing off a bit of steam, shouldn't that be ok? I'm sure you weren't rattling on for hours about it. No, other people's work stuff isn't always fascinating but if you care about the person, you make a bit of space for them to share what's important to them

I can absolutely relate OP and you've had some very sneery dismissive responses on this thread too.

I have a SIL who does this. She is older than me so not a young person thing. I have no idea why she does it but it is fucking infuriating to be told it was just a 'lack of communication' when a nurse did something wrong in hospital and I lodged a complaint.