What is it with people being so dismissive ?

[twinklefar]

I was seeing some family the other day and they asked me how a new job was going. I mentioned a lot of positives and then also some negatives, in particular that someone had said some things to me and I was a bit worried as a result about the company culture and whether I was going to fit into it as a working parent. The thread isn't about what was said, it's about the reaction of the person I was speaking to..

The person was at first very reluctant to even actually respond and then they said ' oh I'm sure that person didn't mean it. Oh I'm sure they say that to everyone.' It really wasn't a situation where I misunderstood something. I felt totally dismissed. I would literally NEVER respond like this to anyone. Even if I disagreed, I would still say something like ' oh that sounds difficult. I understand how that wasn't a helpful thing for that person to say. Do you think there's any chance they're just a bit clueless? '. Or something along those lines, to not entirely dismiss that person's concerns.

I've noticed this kind of thing has happened a few times and it always makes me feel rubbish. And no before you come for me, I'm not always sitting around complaining any more than anyone else in the extended family.

Often this has happened with younger family members, could it be an age thing ? Occasionally my MIL also does it to me. I never open up and tell her anything anymore because she always dismissed my feelings immediately anyway.

But the thing I told the other member of the family the other day would have been something MIL would have totally agreed with me with. She wouldn't have brushed it off like that at all. The thing I was concerned about came from the most senior person in my office and not from some random. It's definitely not ideal.

I feel like it's toxic positivity mixed with just poor social skills. Or they just think I'm a whiney idiot. I promise you that I do not complain about things any more than any other person in the family whatsoever. I'm just talking about my life and experiences.

@Apolloneuro well I don't know how they react towards others. My husband also finds this particular relative cold and lacking in effort in general.

But we are quite a close family so we are really trying to make a lot of effort with this person.

But when I get this kind of response, it really puts me off them and I think I'm just going to mind my own business because I don't feel great in their company.

I would say it’s most likely a case of “I don’t want to get into this” so they just brush it off and sweep along. I think you need to choose who you’re complaining to more carefully.

You sound like you are quite hard work OP!

I wasn't making assumptions about you. What I said was that I suspected your relative was fed up with this general narrative, and that you having your moan just added to that view.
Perhaps they were just disappointed that you were moaning about it to a non-interested party, rather than dealing with it

Also not to state the obvious but just because someone is a family member, it doesn’t mean they’re actually your friend. Maybe they just aren’t interested.

Toxic positivity is a great phrase!!
This really fucks me off too. My DM would do this and I wanted to scream,’I don’t want a solution, just show EMPATHY’!!

Follow your comment with a question if you want validation, ‘bla bla bla, would you find this annoying’. Or just avoid this type of convo with them. I wonder if they are terrified of older people who tell the truth in a direct way. As everyone has to #bekind at all times or be slaughtered on social media.

Toxic positivity though, yes!

Yes this

They could have been just pointing out that this work colleague wasn't making a personal attack on you, or they could have been letting you know that a superficial chat about your job was OK but no need to go into the day-to-day crap. Whatever the reason, their type of comment is made regularly in conversations, usually with a view to cheering the listener up, but this doesn't work for you, obviously, and I agree with pp that your reaction makes you sound a bit hard work or even over sensitive/critical?

I hear where you’re coming from OP and I agree with you. Some people are dismissive and it is a combo of toxic positivity and poor social skills, with emotional avoidance thrown in. It is especially damaging to grow up with parents with these traits, as chronic invalidation can lead to all sorts of poor mental health.

I tend to recognise people like this quickly now, and not tell them anything that requires an empathic response. I think a lot of people are fearful of strong emotions in others and are uncomfortable hearing about adverse or unpleasant experiences as they are unable to just ‘sit’ with the discomfort it creates. Instead they want to either problem solve it (in an overly simplistic way) or dismiss / minimise it and move on. This is not personal to the person who is sharing, but unhelpful nonetheless.

You are also right that it’s poor form to critique someone’s experiences when they are expressing their feelings. This thread is really bringing out those with low EQ’s!

This! In lack of advice or just being able to listen empathetically they minimize thinking it's helpful (so that you minimise as well). If you look upon it as their shortcomings rather than a personal slight I think you'll feel better about it.

This is so true!!

Nothing more boring than someone else's work drama

For some it is hard work to just listen to a person and validate their feelings. For those with emotional maturity it comes naturally so no hard work at all.

I think that it’s helpful to reflect and kinda work out what kind of conversation works with different people.

One person I know likes to have deep and meaningful conversations, whilst another is quite easily triggered, so prefers to keep things quite light. I’m mindful about their preferred communication style when I’m with them.

Maybe your people just can’t/don’t want to engage with what they perceive as negativity. That’s ok, just keep things quite light with them and tell other people your negatives.

I think what I’m trying to say is maybe it’s not that they’re wrong or you’re wrong. It’s not a one stop shop.

And some with good social skills understand when to have small talk and when to have detailed conversations about work grievances. And when it’s time to move on.

It’s their social response - a kind of “there, there,” calming reply intended to reply to your concerns while moving the topic on to something’nicer,’ I think.

Sometimes it can be very tone deaf. But I think it’s meant in a vaguely positive way.

Are the people doing this rather posh op?

The reason I ask is that I have come across certain rather grand types, who have obviously been taught that it is impolite to moan about anything if “one is reasonably comfortable don’t you know” 😀

It’s a sort of upper class code. They communicate with total confidence and unerring positivity. And very superficially . And, rather weirdly, with almost rigid facial expressions.

It prevents any meaningful conversation about anything. And it also, rather conveniently, puts a barrier between you and them, and stops any controversial topics cropping up involving work and money.

If so, it’s not you, it’s them!

Btw op, it’s rather ironic on a thread about being dismissed, how many posters are dismissing you, No one gives anyone the benefit of the doubt any more do they?

You expressed a legitimate concern which a family member dismissed in quite an off-hand way, so it’s understandable you feel upset.

I think usually this sort of thing hzpoens because of what is going on in the other person’s head and usually, it’s not really about you.

Could they be jealous of you and your job? Are they thinking in their head “what’s she got to worry about?”

Or could you having this job suit them in some way, either financially, or because of reflected glory? Or do they worry that their circumstances will change in some way if it doesn’t work out? Or could there be another reason why they are invested in you keeping this job?

Or maybe it was about the topic of your conversation and they have some prejudices about working women? Or they struggled with childcare and wrongly think you have more help then they did, but don’t want to say that out loud? Or something similar?

Either way op, I hope your new job works out for you. It can be very hard if everything else seems right about a position but you just don’t feel at ease in the company culture. (Give it six months and make a decision maybe?) 💐

No idea (joke)

Or the way you think they behave if we could see both sides what would we be seeing?

I think they were making small talk and perhaps surprised when you brought up work issues. Not every conversation is a deep one.

That is true. But the OP stated she's not a "moaner" complaing regularly about things but that when she is, she doesn't find the suitable respons. And even if you think someone "ought to" just make small talk due to setting and that person talk about grievances good social skills is to take it in a stride and be the listener she needs rather than be dismissive;rude.

I once told a newish friend about my difficult family dynamics. She said, ‘I am sure it’s not that bad’. I felt irritated and dismissed so never confided in her again. I had supported her through some serious crises by then and am very emotionally responsive. I think it’s poor social skills on her part.

I don’t think it’s worth overanalysing. Just don’t tell them important stuff any more.

If you no the relative is like this when why give them such a story when they are just making small talk? They clearly didn't want a big drama conversation. Maybe it's a case of over sharing on your part, some people will be ok with all the detail and others won't.

When most people ask how your job is going, it's just small talk and they don't actually care all that much.

They were probably expecting you to say "yeah, really good thanks" or "well, work is work!" - they don't want to hear you ranting and complaining about company culture or some colleague they know nothing about about.

It sounds to me like you saw it as a question that required an honest and detailed answer whereas they were just being polite and making small talk with you.

Maybe they just asked how the new job was to be polite and you responded with a 20 minute monologue.

People just switch off as, (sorry, but), they don't actually really give a shit how your new job is.

In future just say, 'yeah it's alright, a few weirdos y'know'. If they want to know more detail they'll ask.