What is it with people being so dismissive ?

[twinklefar]

I was seeing some family the other day and they asked me how a new job was going. I mentioned a lot of positives and then also some negatives, in particular that someone had said some things to me and I was a bit worried as a result about the company culture and whether I was going to fit into it as a working parent. The thread isn't about what was said, it's about the reaction of the person I was speaking to..

The person was at first very reluctant to even actually respond and then they said ' oh I'm sure that person didn't mean it. Oh I'm sure they say that to everyone.' It really wasn't a situation where I misunderstood something. I felt totally dismissed. I would literally NEVER respond like this to anyone. Even if I disagreed, I would still say something like ' oh that sounds difficult. I understand how that wasn't a helpful thing for that person to say. Do you think there's any chance they're just a bit clueless? '. Or something along those lines, to not entirely dismiss that person's concerns.

I've noticed this kind of thing has happened a few times and it always makes me feel rubbish. And no before you come for me, I'm not always sitting around complaining any more than anyone else in the extended family.

Often this has happened with younger family members, could it be an age thing ? Occasionally my MIL also does it to me. I never open up and tell her anything anymore because she always dismissed my feelings immediately anyway.

But the thing I told the other member of the family the other day would have been something MIL would have totally agreed with me with. She wouldn't have brushed it off like that at all. The thing I was concerned about came from the most senior person in my office and not from some random. It's definitely not ideal.

I feel like it's toxic positivity mixed with just poor social skills. Or they just think I'm a whiney idiot. I promise you that I do not complain about things any more than any other person in the family whatsoever. I'm just talking about my life and experiences.

My husband used to do this. It's something that drives me bonkers and I asked him why on earth he does it.

He told me that he hates to see me upset or worried and he's trying to make me feel better.

Is it possible the person who's saying what you describe is doing it because they care about you and are trying to make you feel better?

(I told my husband it doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel dismissed and angry and like he doesn't believe me and he stopped doing it. Perhaps you could have a similar conversation?)

Some people are just really emotionally unintelligent and it's really galling. I try not to expect empathy or validation from those people because they won't give it. Otherwise you are just setting yourself up to be hurt.

OP - you are extremely black and white in your thinking. You seem to think that there is only one correct way to respond, and any other response is ‘dismissive’ and as a result you want to reduce contact.

People are all different. I wouldn’t go to my mum with work problems as she would both downplay them to me as she wanted to make them go away, but also worry about them afterwards. But friends could be great at the empathising as they were less invested.

She was a fantastic mum.

I think they're trying to reassure you or make you feel better. I suppose it could be seen as toxic positivity. You might need to explain that you'd prefer brutal honesty than being coddled.

Yeah even if I thought the person was being a bit dramatic, I wouldn't ever dismiss them if I cared about them.

I had a friend who just hated doctors. They could never get anything right. Vaccines are all poison, every reaction her kids had to things was caused by evil medicine and vaccines,

I didn't agree with her but I still cared about her enough to not just dismiss her immediately when this stuff came up. It was important to her and I cared about my friend. I would listen and try to understand and make her feel heard, especially when she was explaining something and seemed upset about it. If then in general conversation, when she wasn't emotionally charged, I would challenge her perhaps on some things if I felt it necessary for the greater good. I don't know, I just think if you're trying to have a connection / friendship with someone , it's what you do.

People are generally only worried about themselves op ;(
They will dismiss it because they don't want to listen or hear it really and then shut it down.
All too familiar to how my own friends are sometimes.
It is annoying

You are blowing this out of all proportions now. In the grand scheme of things nothing major happened and you can’t change your relatives. Your expectations are clearly not met, so either let them know or move on and keep your conversations to small talk.

None of my relatives are interested in my work stuff beyond small talk, so maybe just save those conversations for your DH and friends.

Again, black and white thinking. Only one valid response.

In your doctor example, it’s a lot easier to do that with your friend as you are not going to lose sleep over whether their child is vaccinated or not.

However, would you be so blasé if it was your grandchild?

It is easy to validate friends, therapy clients etc as you’re not that emotionally invested. It’s much harder when it’s a close relative.

Maybe they’re just trying to help you think positivity.

Or they’re bored and want to wrap things up quickly to avoid getting dragged into a pointlessly negative conversation with a whole load of ‘he said, she said’ details normally supplied in someone else’s work related micro drama. We’ve all been there, glancing at a wall clock thinking ‘ffs when will this stop, I wish I’d never bloody asked…’.

Its not a particularly helpful response from a therapist, mentor, best friend or partner. But from a young relative in a social situation, then it's fine. It's well meaning enough, coming from a place of trying to reassure, when they probably can't think of anything constructive to say and don't want to be negative. When people ask these questions, unless they're one of the people I mentioned, theyre typically not expecting to have to show active empathy, validate your feelings and spend the next hour exploring it with you. Its just a chat.

It sounds to me that they think you’re over-reacting and don’t have the energy to coddle it. Whether you are over-reacting or not is impossible to say without knowing the context, but the person you were speaking to clearly thinks you are.

Are you some one who likes drama. Someone who is always in conflict or unhappy about other people. And perhaps people see through that angst and drama.

'Before you come at me' is probably my most hated phrase on this especially when it's in an opening message.
You said something, you've said the person you were talking to didn't seem to give it the answer you wanted e.g. give you validation or probe more.
That is it- other people have options and feelings and thoughts shock horror.
Not everyone exists to be interested in every aspect of your life.

I grew up with a mum who did this constantly. I grew up believing my feelings were shameful and ungenerous and I should always give the other person the benefit of the doubt. You can imagine the trouble that led to in my personal life. I only came to understand the impact of it years later, in therapy, when my lack of trust in myself and my poor boundaries caused big problems. However, once I'd worked on that I was able to see that my mum had traumas of her own and was struggling with overwhelming anxiety and desperately needed her daughter to be happy and have no problems. Needless to say, I never tell her anything and we aren't close in any meaningful way. But the point is, their reaction is about them, not about you. Trust yourself and what you felt. Don't give so much weight to others' responses, ever. You're an adult, not a child, and you can choose who to talk to and spend time with.

Yeah we have a family member that does this. Another relative was alone and overseas when they developed appendicitis and initially took too long to seek care so that it all became a bit marginal.

The response was 'well, it's the most common cause for surgery so...'

I think this is that avoidant personality style you see mentioned sometimes on here. These types often are uncomfortable around emotions generally, theirs and others so they dismiss them. It is just an underdeveloped part of their personality. It was done to them so they are repeating what they learned.

As others have said the response could just be trying to give you a different perspective or alternatively to them any moaning at all from a person they perceive as a person being a moaner. Toxic positivity is their reaction to any discomfort.

From your point of view you need to accept people as they are. Whoever these people are to you they are not people you should be going to with any of your problems that don’t concern them. Even if you do go to them with a problem that directly relates to them unfortunately you are likely to be met with the same behaviour. It is what it is. People are all different and we all have our flaws.

I suspect OP that they don't actually care and were simply trying to fill a gap in the conversation.

Yeah totally. Not feeling the love there. Will try to reduce contact as I feel like this person does not like me. Time to stop trying and give out the same vibes as I'm receiving.

Tbh I would dismiss someone who said all vaccines are poison, you don’t have to agree with everything someone says.does not mean you don’t like them.

My family are like this as they don’t want to hear anything “negative “. They are zero emotional or practical help so if I ever say anything remotely “negative” like when they were small I had absolutely no sleep as one of my dcs has severe issues with sleep and I was really struggling as I developed severe insomnia as a result…
If I ever said anything about being tired or anything I was shut down straight away . I mentioned recently how challenging it was dealing with ad hoc school closures and work when we have no backup -immediate shut down. One of my dcs has a slight ld-shut down if I ever try and talk about it .BTW I rarely did and now I never say anything whatsoever so I don’t do any moaning etc. It’s all “all good now”
They.don’t.want.to.know.
They don’t want to feel that feeling of guilt over never being there and never providing any support.
On the other hand I’ve tons of empathy and people can come to me , my neighbour was having an extremely difficult time recently (family bereavement) and was struggling and I minded her dcs for a few days. I couldn’t even imagine saying “oh it’ll all work out , don’t worry about it “ and basically turn my back . I’m glad that people feel like they can talk to me , I’ll always listen and I’ll provide support where I can as I know what it’s like to have none .

I had a bad incident a few years ago where I had to go to hospital (I had irregular hr and blurred vision-it was just as a result of post flu) with all 3dcs as my dh was away. I didn’t even bother to tell anyone as they don’t want to know about anything negative and don’t help . I did get generic texts and I answered “all good here “ while in a+E with all my kids . They don’t want to know and they won’t come and help. I share nothing with my family now.

Yes you can dismiss them but you have to find the right moment. Not while they're telling you about a vaccine injury they think their child has suffered from for example.

I made my views clear to my friend, at the right time.

I’m so sorry to hear about what your family are like. I can relate but not as extreme. I’ve gone into a helping profession, which is undoubtedly linked to the dismissive and invalidating attitudes I experienced while growing up. I really hope you’ve got people in your life who can be empathetic and helpful.

This sounds very much like my DH’s family. He is also a very empathetic and deeply considerate person, much like how you sound. Roses really do push through concrete!