What is it with people being so dismissive ?

[twinklefar]

I was seeing some family the other day and they asked me how a new job was going. I mentioned a lot of positives and then also some negatives, in particular that someone had said some things to me and I was a bit worried as a result about the company culture and whether I was going to fit into it as a working parent. The thread isn't about what was said, it's about the reaction of the person I was speaking to..

The person was at first very reluctant to even actually respond and then they said ' oh I'm sure that person didn't mean it. Oh I'm sure they say that to everyone.' It really wasn't a situation where I misunderstood something. I felt totally dismissed. I would literally NEVER respond like this to anyone. Even if I disagreed, I would still say something like ' oh that sounds difficult. I understand how that wasn't a helpful thing for that person to say. Do you think there's any chance they're just a bit clueless? '. Or something along those lines, to not entirely dismiss that person's concerns.

I've noticed this kind of thing has happened a few times and it always makes me feel rubbish. And no before you come for me, I'm not always sitting around complaining any more than anyone else in the extended family.

Often this has happened with younger family members, could it be an age thing ? Occasionally my MIL also does it to me. I never open up and tell her anything anymore because she always dismissed my feelings immediately anyway.

But the thing I told the other member of the family the other day would have been something MIL would have totally agreed with me with. She wouldn't have brushed it off like that at all. The thing I was concerned about came from the most senior person in my office and not from some random. It's definitely not ideal.

I feel like it's toxic positivity mixed with just poor social skills. Or they just think I'm a whiney idiot. I promise you that I do not complain about things any more than any other person in the family whatsoever. I'm just talking about my life and experiences.

@Imafraidtosayctr8 they're not that sort of upper class person you describe but I totally know the type you mean ! You describe them so well.

What's going on in the other person's head ? Honesty I think it's about the women and working women and the whole motherhood thing.

I think she thinks it's just old bats meaning and I am starting to think she's even anti feminism or something. She doesn't have kids yet, although she does want to be a mum and is in a committed relationship.

I wonder if this is an indicator of why this might be happening. You seem to be saying here that it is more acceptable to blindly reassure someone with cancer that it will all be fine than your potential work culture concern.

I realise that you said you don’t have form for being over dramatic or over thinking, but this post suggests otherwise. I wonder if you do t notice how you come across.

No I already explained that we talk about each other's work a fair bit, as we are in a similar field.

We ask questions about it in detail.

Maybe you're right then and they just think you're a whiny idiot

Nobody likes a whinger

It could be total lack of comprehension and understanding in that case.

Before I had dc I knew my working life was going to change. But I had no clue about the extent of the impact.

Agree. That reply was really jarring to read! It makes me think that OP perhaps isn't the type of person she believes herself to be.

I get what you are saying OP but I think it's just wasted energy on your part to be upset about this. Having expectations about how other people should respond to you is really only going to cause misery most of the time.

It would be nice if people were more empathetic and knew what to say, but sometimes they just aren't.

You have to build your personal resilience and not expect others to validate you or do what you expect.

You know that the company is behaving in a shit way, so that's enough really. Just have confidence in your own opinion/ belief. You don't need others to say it as well, you know it.

Also I'm sorry you are going through that at work!

Eh what I meant with that reply was that at some point when you're talking about someone's cancer, there may be a time to say something positive.

I didn't mean that someone tells you they have cancer and you reply with ' don't worry about it '..

I May have this wrong but do you think they are either trying to play devil’s advocate to try and help you see the other side? Or, that they have agreed/sympathised with you in the past and somehow it has made it worse for you and fuelled the flames of your unhappiness dragging an issue out for longer?

What I’m trying to say is if my children had an issue that I see they were het up about, sometimes I would downplay it or not overly sympathise with, simply because it seemed to exacerbate matters if I engaged too much or asked too many questions. It is a fine line and I have been accused of not taking their side, if that happened I would apologise and say of course I am, perhaps that is they part you feel you are missing in support from your family?

Moving forward, perhaps discuss work less or more lightly unless it is a real tangible issue you need support with?

I totally understand this. But it makes me dislike that person. It just puts me off.

I know exactly what you mean OP - my granny used to do this all the time and it was so difficult to have meaningful conversations with her!
I think for her she was almost afraid of strong emotions and just wanted everything to be ‘nice’. So anytime I wanted to talk about something not being all roses and kittens she’d try and dismiss my emotion.

OP - I think it is likely one of four things.

1. They are a fixer. You’ve come with a problem and their reaction is to think of solutions. However, you don’t want solutions, just to have someone validate your feelings/agree with you.
2. They care too much. I find it easy to do the validating with friends as I am not that invested. However, if my DC has just started a new job and was already raising concerns about their boss, if I just agreed that they were right to be worried, I’d be concerned that the new job was already not working out. So instead, I’d suggest thinking of other perspectives, so that they don’t dismiss the job too lightly.
3. They think you overreact to small slights and should be more easy-going. That is that you have poor emotional intelligence.
4. It’s a generational thing. To me being kind isn’t simply ‘validating feelings’ and agreeing with someone but listening and then adding other perspectives. This helps to open minds and prevent overreaction.

Empathy means having respect for the feelings of all the people in the interaction, including what your work colleague may have meant/intended.

Of course, but at the end of the day, if you want them in your life then you just need to accept the way they are. They're responding in the way they know how/ the way they are capable.

I have many family members like this, and at this point I just try to be kind and accept how they are and their emotional/ social limitations.

A lot of my emotional needs are met more by my husband and friends who are more empathetic and validating - but also I just know my own mind anyway, so I don't need it as such.

Whether you want to continue having a relationship with that person is up to you - but if you do, you need to accept this is just who they are, there is no point in getting worked up about it - you're the only one who will suffer with that.

If you love them, just accept and move on.

This sounds a bit like my mother....
As a young adult, whenever I tried to tell her anything difficult or troubling, I would get brushed off with one of 2 responses: "Oh well, never mind dear" or "don't be silly dear"
I felt completely unsupported at a very difficult time in my life.
She then claimed to be very hurt & disappointed when I moved far away

No I already explained that we talk about each other's work a fair bit, as we are in a similar field.

Maybe she just felt you'd gone on about it long enough this time.

I know what you mean, I would find this annoying too.
my husband actually does this. If I talk about anything at all, his reply aims to solve the problem. But I’m not asking for that, I just want to share my day!
I also think it’s very common for people to be dismissive of other people’s problems and ‘it/they are all fine’ is quite an easy reply to give. Its harder to show empathy because that involves putting yourself in someone else’s place and most people are bad at that.

Op wasn’t saying that at all.

There’s so much toxic positivity surrounding cancer that it’s more understandable is what she meant.

Can’t you see that it’s exactly what this person was doing about your potential work situation, offering general positive reassurance? Only in your case the potential impact isn’t as serious.

Your doubling down suggests even more that you might be guilty of unconsciously being a bit dramatic.

I have a friend like this, she’s lovely but due to anxiety can tend towards the dramatic and there’s only so much validating you can do. She doesn’t see it though.

It’s the shallow social conversation you are tapping into and feeling frustrated with.

There are lots of people who enjoy this level of interaction and as I’ve got older I can tolerate it better. It’s basically ‘hairdresser’ talk. Have a look at the Royale Family interactions on the sofa with.Barbara and the family while the husband is sitting on the chair shouting ‘my arse’. It’s hilarious because it’s so banal.

You want interactions that mean something and it sounds like the people you’re interacting with aren’t interesting in giving you that - so my best suggestion is expect nothing useful from them and try and find people you jive with better conversationally.

I absolutely understand what you're saying. But it's not something to offer up immediately as it's invalidating. That's how I perceive it.

I know there’s a lot of toxic positivity about cancer through personal experience. Likewise infertility.

The fact that it happens doesn’t make it understandable at all and doesn’t mean that it should be dismissed whilst OPs potential work situation shouldn’t.

It seems to me like you don’t understand small talk.

It’s invalidating yes. But they may think they are saying the right thing. I would advise you not to dwell on it. Does this person’s opinion matter that much to you? And if so, why?

You perceive it correctly. Nothing worse than trying to deal with a scary health situation alongside lots of people denigrating its seriousness and with super positive rhetoric. You are then battling twice. Once to be taken seriously, then the condition itself and then even worse if you lose the ‘battle’ you let everyone down by not being ‘strong enough’. Lose, lose, lose.