5 months pregnant and found out my husband lied about his past

[Saraahh]

Hi, just looking for some general advice tbh on how to get over this…

Me 24/F and my husband 29/M have been married since August 2023 and expecting our first child in April. We’re both Muslim and have had struggles in our marriage but recently have been the best we’ve ever been.

However a few days ago I came across a lot of things on his phone (pictures, messages etc) about his past. When we got married I was a virgin and he was adamant he was too and marrying a virgin seemed like a huge deal to him and a deal breaker if I wasn’t. He even once said if he found out I wasn’t a virgin after marriage he’d ask for an annulment.

The things I came across on his phone broke my heart… He had a long term gf who was sleeping with what seemed like regularly which I had no idea about. There was also a lot of other things I found but that was the one that struck me the most. I feel like I’ve been betrayed and the whole marriage was a lie.

I don’t doubt his love for me and I get the past is the past but my heart genuinely feels like it’s been ripped out my chest. Not to mention I’m carrying his baby. I wouldn’t have cared as much if I knew the truth from the beginning but now it feels like everything was a lie, our first experience together etc.

I love him more than anything and that hasn’t changed but I just CANNOT get over the heart ache. Every time he tells me he loves me, every time he touches me, compliments me, even when I look at him I just picture him with someone else because all these things where I thought I was his first isn’t true.

What hurts even more is that I almost got raped years ago and got stabbed and beaten black a blue but I still managed to keep my virginity. And to think I fought so hard for that, when he didn’t and then lied about it for 2 years just really really hurts.

I want to leave the past in the past and move on but it’s so hard, I just don’t know how to get over it so any advice would be great thanks… He’s been trying so hard to make me happy and forget about it and I do believe his actions and love is genuine.

I’m starting to think I’m the problem, I keep getting these obsessive thoughts, I feel like I can’t even be intimate with him without having a breakdown after because of all the thoughts and images going through my head. I suffer with anxiety and depression anyways, but this situation has completely tipped me over the edge… I genuinely believe if it wasn’t for my son I’m carrying I would have done something stupid to myself because I physically can’t handle the pain. The heart ache feels like torture and it’s turning into physical pain.

He also told me he’s never loved anyone before but I found so much evidence saying otherwise… Everything he does and says now just reminds me of these other girls and it makes me feel so stupid and like a fool. I’ve never felt this type of pain in my life.

I’ve barely been able to sleep and when I do I keep getting horrible dreams and wake up extremely depressed. We’ve taken some time alone and away from in laws the last few days to try deal with the situation and I want to move on and forget so bad but it feels like it’s engraved in my brain. I keep having emotional break downs and I’ve never cried so hard in my life, and I feel so guilty because I don’t want to harm my baby either. I have PCOS and severe endometriosis so getting pregnant was tough as I've also had 3 miscarriages.

Any suggestions on how to make this better? Thank you.

Reading your last post here so far...you wanted advice on how you could put this behind you.

I doubt you can.

It's not just the lie, it's his horrible behaviour since as well about marriage and the cost etc if you split up.

TBH he took advantage of your lack of sexual experience. Most women would be able to tell if a man was a virgin because they tend to behave very differently when they have sex for the first time.

Making you wait till you had a Muslim ceremony was helping him cover his lies.

How can you love a man who treats you like this?

You are so young. Your whole life is ahead of you. Don't tie yourself to this horrible man.

He's only appearing to be nice after you've discovered the truth.

Are you very sure the reasons he’s avoiding legal marriage isn’t because… he’s already legally married to someone else?
That aside this doesn’t sound a healthy relationship in any way.

Read her update. It explains it clearly and there was nothing wrong in asking given the situation.

I think it is a big point of the post bc he placed a lot of emphasis on it. Perhaps he regretted it and felt ashamed about it, I don't know. It obviously hard to trust him.

OP there's a south Asian talk board on here.

You may get better advice around the muslim and culture aspect.

Maybe someone can link to it for you .

OP,
Most of the posters here will be non-Muslim feminists. MN is notorious for telling women to leave their husbands at the drop of a hat.
That said - he has lied before so will likely lie again: keep your eyes open and your wits about you.

If the OP wishes to marry within her religion and SE Asian culture, she may have a very hard time finding a man who is not misogynist by Western standards.

OP - you have to insist on legal UK marriage. And mean it - leave him if he won't marry you.

Thank you for this I'll check this out!

This x 3!

it’s disgraceful and more fetishising of virgins. The men that want them, is basically the men who want to be able to control their wife or are so bad in bed they want a woman with 0 experience or expectations, or both.

In Islam a man isn’t even allowed to ask if his bride to be is a virgin, and the type of man that does, many scholars say ‘run a mile’

what?

that’s such a generalisation, my husband is Pakistani and he is head and shoulders above most of the non Asian men my friends have ended up with.

there are some truly amazing south Asian men, and like everywhere there are some dog shit ones

If the OP wishes to marry within her religion and SE Asian culture, she may have a very hard time finding a man who is not misogynist by Western standards

Isnt that a bit of a generalisation ?

This is really hard for you, OP, I'm sorry.
It is horrible to find out that you have been lied to, and there are double standards in a man insisting on marrying a virgin without being one himself which are shocking.
But. It's you he has committed to, and by the sound of it he very much wants to be with you. And you want to be with him.
You are the best person to know how to get past this. How could you frame it yourself to make it bearable? Maybe knowing that your husband regrets what he has put you through and genuinely wants to do the right thing now? Maybe remembering that his actions come from a long history of traditions and constraints that many people find hard to keep to?
I wish you all the best.

Absolutely and it pushes the narrative that you do see sometimes that women (especially of a south Asian background) have to put up with it because they’re all as bad as each other and there might be worse blokes out there.

Yes it is a generalisation.

I presume you’re an asian woman and you were speaking from your own personal experience?

OP there’s been some really good advice here.

Most of us think your H is not a good catch. However, as a fellow south Asian muslim I totally understand why you are not ready to leave him. You’re not empowered enough. Yet. I was like you a couple of decades ago.

One of the best things I ever did was start learning about my actual religion, instead of going along with the cultural version I had been raised to think was religion. I might get a lot of hate for saying this but the reality is south Asian culture is misogynistic and just not worth it for the women. I was so much more empowered once I realised I had so many more rights as a Muslim woman than as an Asian one. The virginity thing is a total red herring, it is not in any way a requirement prior to an Islamic marriage. It’s an example of Asian culture placing a value on women’s bodies and finding another way to shame, judge and control them.

You definitely need counselling to sort through this in your head- individually and then as a couple. It’s crazy that you were assaulted and your status of ‘virgin’ was the most important point to you (and I’m really truly sorry for what you went through). If you need to stay with him insist on a registry now. Maybe a few years down the line you will both be in a much better place, he also has a huge amount of learning to do about how to be a better person, but if he’s still a misogynist and you find you are ready to leave him then that’s ok too. And you will be ok.

This!!!

First of all, congratulations to you, OP, on your pregnancy! Wishing you a safe and healthy journey ahead. 😊

I’d like to share my perspective on something I’ve noticed over the years. When I first arrived in the UK, I was quite surprised by some of the attitudes and cultural practices within certain Muslim communities, especially those from the Indian subcontinent/South Asia. It became clear to me how cultural traditions can sometimes be mistaken for religious teachings, and unfortunately, harmful practices are often passed down through generations. I am a Muslim myself from a different region in the world.

This isn’t just an issue confined to Muslim communities—the prevalence of misogynistic attitudes in the Indian subcontinent spans across all major religions, including Hinduism and others. It’s a deeply rooted cultural challenge rather than one limited to any single faith. That’s why it’s so important for Muslim women (and women in general) to understand their rights and the empowerment that true Islamic teachings provide.

That said, I feel this thread has taken a bit of a turn, and it’s sad to see it becoming a space for religion-bashing. The negative behaviors of some misogynistic men, who cherry-pick religious teachings to suit their own agenda, shouldn’t define a faith or community.

A Nikah won't help much if you do divorce (depending on what it says, terms vary). But you will be entitled to child maintenance, and that doesn't vary at all between married and unmarried parents. The fact that there is no legal marriage is also a bit of a red flag in marital terms - when couples have a religious marriage only, it is rarely a disadvantage to the husbands, but very often is to the wives.

He might or might not be telling the truth about that (don't assume he is, he already has a track record about this) but it also isn't relevant. Had he said all that to you before he married, that would have been one thing. This is quite another thing altogether.

Regardless of whether you stay or not, you need some support. Confide in someone or get some professional help. I know that you've had bad experiences with it before, but I think that it's worth trying again, perhaps after researching if there's a therapist out there who has experience with the cultural issues at play here. Good luck with it, the PGCE (I'm a teacher too- I know how hard that year is) and the baby (nowhere near as hard as the PGCSE, I promise!)

They are married under Islamic law, the OP said they'd had a Nikah. But a Nikah, if it took place in the UK, isn't a marriage under the law in England & Wales, so the OP wouldn't get any ancillary relief / asset splitting in the event of a divorce.
A Nikah can be a lawful marriage here, but only if it took place in a country where a Nikah is a lawful marriage. If the OP had married in (for example) Pakistan or Bangladesh, it would be recognised as a lawful marriage in England & Wales.

What’s his obsession with virginity? Why does he think the same standards don’t apply to him? This is such a turn off! I feel for you, OP.

I feel very concerned for you because you are vulnerable, being pregnant, without a job and without the protection of legal marriage. If you left your husband, would that have ramifications for yourself and your husband, in terms of reputation, honour? Would you be able to find a better husband in the future, given you are no longer a virgin and will have a child with a man you sort-of married? I don't like the sound of this guy honestly, he's controlling, he lies, he hasn't married you legally. You are really giving him 100% of yourself and getting back very little. You need to set your terms which I would say at the least would be legal marriage, marriage counselling, and a home of your own.

This was not uncommon where I used to live. Muslim men would sleep with/live with nonMuslim women ( who naively thought the men would marry them) and then leave and marry a Muslim virgin. In the men's view this was to be expected and they were honestly surprised the women felt betrayed. It sounds like your husband realized this might be a deal breaker for you and so lied so he wouldn't lose you. It's a culture clash. Practically speaking you can't change the past, so get some kind of counselling to work this through.
And DON'T become financially dependent on him. Keep working. You will need that independence in the future if you need to make other choices.

Out of curiosity where did you use to live @KM123456 ?

I’d be worried about what else he has lied about. To hold you to such a high standard but not himself is not the way someone who loves you would act.

while it isn’t ideal to bring a child up alone/ as seperated parents, I promise you, being in a good place mentally is so much more important.