5 months pregnant and found out my husband lied about his past

[Saraahh]

Hi, just looking for some general advice tbh on how to get over this…

Me 24/F and my husband 29/M have been married since August 2023 and expecting our first child in April. We’re both Muslim and have had struggles in our marriage but recently have been the best we’ve ever been.

However a few days ago I came across a lot of things on his phone (pictures, messages etc) about his past. When we got married I was a virgin and he was adamant he was too and marrying a virgin seemed like a huge deal to him and a deal breaker if I wasn’t. He even once said if he found out I wasn’t a virgin after marriage he’d ask for an annulment.

The things I came across on his phone broke my heart… He had a long term gf who was sleeping with what seemed like regularly which I had no idea about. There was also a lot of other things I found but that was the one that struck me the most. I feel like I’ve been betrayed and the whole marriage was a lie.

I don’t doubt his love for me and I get the past is the past but my heart genuinely feels like it’s been ripped out my chest. Not to mention I’m carrying his baby. I wouldn’t have cared as much if I knew the truth from the beginning but now it feels like everything was a lie, our first experience together etc.

I love him more than anything and that hasn’t changed but I just CANNOT get over the heart ache. Every time he tells me he loves me, every time he touches me, compliments me, even when I look at him I just picture him with someone else because all these things where I thought I was his first isn’t true.

What hurts even more is that I almost got raped years ago and got stabbed and beaten black a blue but I still managed to keep my virginity. And to think I fought so hard for that, when he didn’t and then lied about it for 2 years just really really hurts.

I want to leave the past in the past and move on but it’s so hard, I just don’t know how to get over it so any advice would be great thanks… He’s been trying so hard to make me happy and forget about it and I do believe his actions and love is genuine.

I’m starting to think I’m the problem, I keep getting these obsessive thoughts, I feel like I can’t even be intimate with him without having a breakdown after because of all the thoughts and images going through my head. I suffer with anxiety and depression anyways, but this situation has completely tipped me over the edge… I genuinely believe if it wasn’t for my son I’m carrying I would have done something stupid to myself because I physically can’t handle the pain. The heart ache feels like torture and it’s turning into physical pain.

He also told me he’s never loved anyone before but I found so much evidence saying otherwise… Everything he does and says now just reminds me of these other girls and it makes me feel so stupid and like a fool. I’ve never felt this type of pain in my life.

I’ve barely been able to sleep and when I do I keep getting horrible dreams and wake up extremely depressed. We’ve taken some time alone and away from in laws the last few days to try deal with the situation and I want to move on and forget so bad but it feels like it’s engraved in my brain. I keep having emotional break downs and I’ve never cried so hard in my life, and I feel so guilty because I don’t want to harm my baby either. I have PCOS and severe endometriosis so getting pregnant was tough as I've also had 3 miscarriages.

Any suggestions on how to make this better? Thank you.

Oh OP, you’re pregnant by a lying misogynist who is using his religion to justify piss poor behaviour. It is good news that you’re not married. Walk away from this shit.

A 29 year old virgin , especially a male, was always unlikely. The past is the past, it's how he treats you as his wife and the mother of his baby that matters now.
If you don't want to live with your in laws, push to get your own place before baby arrives.

So few weeks ago he said he wanted to divorce you anyway? Look there are 7 pages of this now, people telling you what's happening, and you defending him. Why did you post? No one is going to say yeah OP YOU gotta make this marriage work.

Don't have counselling if you are concerned, get legal advice. https://southallblacksisters.org.uk

I posted because I wanted advice on how to move on... Ways I could help myself to feel better and put it to the back of my mind

Nailed it. Why would you want your son to be anything like this 'pig' of a man

It's a perfectly fine trend so long as the rules, objectives and aspirations apply to both sides equally. There is nothing wrong with saving yourself for marriage, or at least being very picky about how many people you sleep with and how readily you sleep with them, preferring to wait until a relationship is at least long lasting and serious, even if it isn't marriage. And nothing wrong with that being the criterion by which you choose your future partner/s.

So long as you don't hold your future wife or female partner to different standards than you have lived by yourself, then it's all good. This is the problem with many, many Muslim men. They are hypocrites who hold women to very different standards, especially Muslim women. I am not aware that it is the case among many white British Gen Z kids, but I have a hunch it's not, and someone is just trying to throw us a bit of a red herring.

Having said that, there does seem to be a rise in good old fashioned misogyny among certain cohorts of young men in general in the UK now. We can blame a variety of things, not least the influence of drill and rap music, urban gang culture, the INCEL movement, people like Andew Tate and the a rise in the number of young men in the country now who have come from Muslim/Arab/Balkan cultural backgrounds where this sort of thing never really went away. More's the pity.

@Saraahh Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy, I’m sorry you are going through such a crap time with everthing else.

I think they only way you can get over this is if you draw a line under it and forgive him.

If you can’t, then you need to walk away from the marriage, it will only mess with your head otherwise.

I went through something similar years ago, it eats away at you and eventually the relationship comes to an end xx

OP, unfortunately you are in denial about the scum you have married.

You are hiding it from your family because you know that they will call him what he is.

Lying scum.
Threatening to divorce you if you weren't a virgin.
Calling you names.
Controlling too.
More concerned about money than you.

Why did you rush into having a baby with a man you aren't even legally married to?

Abusive men love secrecy.
He is an abusive man and you are making the huge mistake of wanting to deny and hide it.

He is a bad man, a bad husband and a liar.
He will only get worse.

You will bitterly regret not telling your family the truth.

Move home to your family and tell the truth.
He has zero love or respect for you.
You are so young and vulnerable.

You deserve so much better than this.

Then look for someone else. This is not a healthy relationship and you won't be happy. You get one life. Don't give it to someone who doesn't deserve it.

I have had lots of different types of therapy so know how hard it is to get the right type with the right person, and you have to be prepared to put the work in, but it's worth it when you get the right mix.

What a helpful post

I can tell you now OP that when you start your teaching career he will not be supportive, he will resent the time it takes you away from the house, he will still expect the same level of wife duty even though you will be in a demanding job, he will hate you talking about your job and your colleagues at home , will make a fuss about the “school stuff” you have to have around the home, his mother will constantly snipe at how poor a wife you are, as will your SIL.

Having said that by all means you can make sure you complete the training because you might need to be able to support yourself and your son in a decent job in the future

I think you need some counselling to gain acceptance of your situation, and to decide whether or not you feel able to continue in this relationship. One of difficulties than can arise in this kind of situation is that some people cannot truly forgive and forget. Once trust is breached, it can be difficult to rebuild. Find a counsellor who is well qualified, and experienced. Also remember that when men find what they perceive to be ‘the one’ it is not unusual for them to do all that they can to ‘win the prize’. Look after yourself.

Bloody hell op. You’re screwed if you separate. No legal marriage (why would you have a baby with him without this protection) you live with his family and no mat leave money.

Putting everything else aside, how can you stand for a man who believed this to touch you? He believed that being the victim of a violent assault is the same as losing your virginity by choice because you want to have sex? So rape victims are asking for it/want it then in his mind? This is horrifying.

From an Islamic POV he'd still be obliged to provide for mum and baby, but based on the comment about avoiding a legal marriage to protect his assets it seems he'd ignore that too

In other words - and as I suspected - another one who's picking and choosing the bits to suit

Also, @Saraahh, given his remarks about the relative situations of your families, I'm surprised they didn't urge him towards someone who came from more money
Did her perhaps already have problems with his reputation which led better off families to avoid him?

Do you mean denial? That’s not easy if it matters to you a great deal. You cannot kid yourself and if you do it is called denial. My only advice is life and people move on and the issue moves further back in history until you are in your 40s 50s and looking back it stings but is not a dealbreaker because you have built a life. It’s really common by the way, you aren’t alone. Never lie to yourself, you aren’t crazy no matter what ppl tell you to shut you up.

If looking back at the end of your life, he has been mainly a good husband then you may feel he was worth this painful episode.

My experience is that some men are manipulative liars. They will lie and lie to get what they want from women. Its a form of control for them. They don't see women as equals and feel a sense of entitlement to lie and manipulate women to get those women to play the role they want them to play in their life.

I think your husband is one of those men and if I were you I would ensure my financial independence and leave him. You'll never be able to trust him. You are young enough to build up a good life for you and your child.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I'm sorry to hear you had such a traumatic experience previously.

I think you need to separate the two issues here. 1. is that he seriously betrayed your trust 2. Is that you are obsessing over his previous relationships which is not healthy.

If you are committed to staying in the marriage I would set out the following requirements:

• you get legally married to protect yourself. He has been dishonest and you can no longer simply rely on his word. You need some legal protection for you and baby.
• you need to move out together into your own home away from his parents. You need an exit date, and need to start the process to be out before baby arrives.
• you have counselling to work through these issues properly.

Good luck x

THIS, with bells and tibsel.

How can you trust this man to help you raise a child, of whatever sex?

I agree with this. You also place a lot of emphasis on virginity which I think is misplaced but that’s not the point of your post - it’s the fact he has lied to you. Don’t be afraid to speak to a friend or family if you are feeling awful - don’t isolate yourself at such a time. Lots of luck to you xox

If I were OP I would not get married and leave. She is young enough to build her own independence and a legal divorce is a huge headache.

If you aren’t actually legally married by law then maybe you would be better off moving out (temporarily?) to allow yourself some headspace and also keep your cards close to your chest. I see you live with his family - very stressful with this on your mind. You don’t have to stay and save face.. you can do whatever you feel suits you and baby best. x

Honestly I’d be using this as an opportunity to get legally married. Doubt he’d support your child if you split up. You’ve got more options with capital.

gold star advice here

He told me that he "essentially got raped the first time and she was so toxic that he felt trapped and she said he's already messed up so he might as well carry on"

OP stop and think what this tells you about this man's character. He refuses to take responsibility, blames others, and thinks the fact he has 'sinned' once means he can continue sinning forever. I knew a manipulative serial cheat who used exactly this excuse to carry on cheating. He told himself he could never get whiter than white again so he may as well keep cheating with multiple women forever.
This is not a man you should be married to. Don't raise your child in an unhappy home with a mother who feels trapped. Get out whilst its easier now.