Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He left me in city centre…

881 replies

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 02:32

Went in to City Centre today for DH’s birthday. A few of his friends had also arranged to go in today. I asked if he’d prefer to go out with said friends and he repeatedly said no.

Queue 4pm when he began acting like a total arse to me. We went to the usual Christmas market, had some food, waded our way through the crowds to get anywhere and went on a bar crawl.

He’s useless with directions so I usually guide us between bars etc. I asked him multiple times where he wanted to go next and he kept saying that he didn’t mind.

Went to his favourite bar, queued for 40 mins to get inside, got one drink. Whilst standing basically the toilet door, people slamming in to us spilling drink down my back I asked if he wanted to maybe go somewhere more local where we could actually get to the bar and have a dance?

He stormed out of the bar rambling on that I should have stayed at home, even though I spent weeks planning the night and booking in to his favourite restaurant which he made me cancel last night costing me 80£ for late cancellation!

I tried calling him and he told me to F off and said he didn’t care how I got home because I’m not his problem. Therefore, leaving me stranded in the city. Every taxi I stopped was booked and I had to call my elderly dad to come and get me. I felt like such a dick.

Obviously DH had this planned so he could go off and meet friends instead of just saying in the first place. I am so hurt.

He has just came home bashing the door with three others trying to get in and I haven’t opened it. First of all I was asleep and they woke me with the banging, but second of all - bringing people back here when he knows I would be in bed?

AIBU for not opening the door?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
ChristmasinBrighton · 15/12/2024 10:56

MrTiddlesTheCat · 15/12/2024 10:39

And hid reply was “nothing happened to you. You got what you deserved, and if something did happen then you would have also gotten what you deserved”

He's an absolute monster. What normal man tells his wife she deserves to get raped or murdered?

Yes, this is unforgivable.

Get out of there and get legal advice. He’s a monster.

OhCobblers · 15/12/2024 10:56

@Imbusytodaysorry i put a lot of the house sale money in to renovating his house and buying a static caravan.

I do have some money left over but not a lot.

You are completely right. I need to contact a solicitor and speak to my parents to see where I stand or if we can stay with them for a while until I gather up some more money.

Please speak to a good lawyer ASAP @Craics90

Iamnotalemming · 15/12/2024 10:59

Oh OP, this is one of these threads where the more updates you read, the worse the situation sounds. He has behaved appallingly. I am sorry for your recent loss as well.

Basically it sounds like it is time to prioritise the future of your DC and yourself, and not his happiness or demands.

Shouldbedoing · 15/12/2024 11:01

When you're married there is no 'his house' unless it was something like an inheritance and legally ringfenced against divorce. Similarly, if there's a paper trail for your funds going into the house you shouldn't come out with nothing.

Original poster
Craics90 · 15/12/2024 11:04

Shouldbedoing · 15/12/2024 11:01

When you're married there is no 'his house' unless it was something like an inheritance and legally ringfenced against divorce. Similarly, if there's a paper trail for your funds going into the house you shouldn't come out with nothing.

@Shouldbedoing he owned the house before we were married. He has always told me it’s a pre marital asset and I wouldn’t be entitled to any of it. Only the children. Not that I ever wanted it nor have I ever checked if that’s really a thing.

OP posts:
TANK1980 · 15/12/2024 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ilikemethewayiam · 15/12/2024 11:05

i’m sorry @Craics90 , I don’t often say LTB but this is unforgivable at all levels. I absolutely could not get past this. He doesn’t love you OP. A man who leaves his wife alone and vulnerable knowing she is at risk of SA or rape then openly says it’s what she deserves, well I just have no words! If my DH ever swore at me or spoke to me like that it would be enough, let alone actually saying what he did. There is never any reason or excuse for what he did. There’s nothing you could ever have said or done to provoke that. That is pure venom and hatred on his part. You say he never apologises which means his ego is more important to him than you. He is emotionally stunted and not capable of being a loving partner. No mature, loving, decent husband would ever say that to his wife. I’m sorry OP I don’t see any way back from this. I couldn’t look at him the same again. It would be the end for me.

ClarasSisters · 15/12/2024 11:05

Having read your updates on how he usually treats you, I think you need to adjust your idea of what "a very nice man" is. Because it's not him.

The way he behaved last night was appalling. But in a way you should be glad it happened, because hopefully it's helped the scales fall, and realise the way he treats you is very much Not Normal. Use this to be the beginning of the rest of your life. You deserve so much better.

Weefox · 15/12/2024 11:06

All this money spent on 'celebrating' Christmas - a sad reflection on our commercial western way of life.

Your partner sounds like an asshole, but I guess we need to hear his side of the story before passing judgment.

Duckingella · 15/12/2024 11:07

The change in his behaviour towards you is suspicious.

However he basically told you if you'd been attacked and murdered in the city centre that night you would have got what you deserved.Thats unforgivable.

If my daughter told me her partner had said that to her you'd have to stop me from punching said partner.

It's over OP;time to make plans to leave.

I'm sure someone on here will be able to advise you on next steps regarding what you need to gather together for legal advice in terms of paperwork etc

Original poster
Craics90 · 15/12/2024 11:07

Thank you for all of your replies. I really do appreciate having someone to talk to and a hand hold. I’m really devastated right now. He also called me a “jumped up tart” because of me not opening the door scenario. I’m not a tart, but it’s the first time I’ve been called one lol. Anyway, I need to get my ducks in a row. A few friends have messaged me saying they all met up and he told them I went home sick. It shows me he is ashamed of his own actions and regardless of what he says he knows it was wrong.

I need out of this marriage and to be as far away as possible.

OP posts:
ABunchOfBadBitches · 15/12/2024 11:07

januaryjan · 15/12/2024 05:26

Leave him outside.

If he tries to call make sure to return his earlier compliment. Tell him to 'F off - he's not your problem'.

Show quote history

There’s honestly no reason for you to quote the original post which is long in itself. Why would you do that? We all know what it is that you’re responding to so why quote?

Shouldbedoing · 15/12/2024 11:07

See a solicitor. He clearly isn't one for sharing.

GG1986 · 15/12/2024 11:08

Wow what a disgusting pig. If my oh treated me like this I would be ending it. He has no respect for you. Sorry he treated you this way.

Imbusytodaysorry · 15/12/2024 11:08

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 10:39

@Imbusytodaysorry i put a lot of the house sale money in to renovating his house and buying a static caravan.

I do have some money left over but not a lot.

You are completely right. I need to contact a solicitor and speak to my parents to see where I stand or if we can stay with them for a while until I gather up some more money.

One of the friends that was out is a serial cheater - at 46. His poor wife has no idea. So maybe you’re right on that also, maybe he wanted to keep his options open. Or maybe something has happened, or he has someone else which would explain how I went from love of his life one day to absolute wanker the next.

Show quote history

I doubt it’s that there is “someone “ else as such.
Sounds like love bombing then trapping you .
Then he changed and has shown you who he really is. .
This has nothing to do with you !
So the Caravan is yours.
You have savings
You have money due out his house which is now legaly both of yours. .
So speak to a solicitor. .
Tell him you want the house sold then he can either buy you . So what if you have out on say £20k and your now due £60k as that’s what profit is after a sale ( made up figures )
He deserves all he gets for thinking he could trap you .

Can MN help you with the leaving process if that’s what you want. If it’s strength you need .

The process won’t be easy boy the peace at the end will be.

Oh and don’t show him your hand , keep quiet sounds like he won’t notice anything is wrong what way as he is so use to shooshing you up.
Once you have money to leave get the solicitor to notify him of divorce ans the sake of the property to release your equity.

jeaux90 · 15/12/2024 11:09

Sorry OP but please divorce him.

He does not deserve you, what a disgraceful man.

betterangels · 15/12/2024 11:11

I said to him this morning, you know how I feel about the city and being alone. Anything could happen to anyone and you could have told me you wanted to go on and waited until I got a lift out of the way. Instead you left me to it. And hid reply was “nothing happened to you. You got what you deserved, and if something did happen then you would have also gotten what you deserved”

OP, please get away from him. Please get your children away from him. This is chilling.

longtompot · 15/12/2024 11:11

I said to him this morning, you know how I feel about the city and being alone. Anything could happen to anyone and you could have told me you wanted to go on and waited until I got a lift out of the way. Instead you left me to it. And hid reply was “nothing happened to you. You got what you deserved, and if something did happen then you would have also gotten what you deserved”

No one who you love & is supposed to love you should ever say anything like this. This is abhorrent. I could never come back from this if my dh said something like this to me.
I am glad you are looking at your options for your future without him.

Original poster
Craics90 · 15/12/2024 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

@TANK1980 I am not controlling. I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday and I planned exactly as HE asked. I then changed plans because HE asked me to. As for taking him away from his friends, I already said that I would give them all a lift in and they could go out together. HE told me that HE didn’t want to go with them. HE then told me he was happy to go wherever as HE isn’t sure of directions. We queued 40 minutes to go to a bar because HE wanted to go there.

How dare you come on here criticising me when you’ve clearly not read half of the facts?!!

OP posts:
TheDowagerCountessofPembroke · 15/12/2024 11:12

What an arse. At least he has shown his true colours and you can go now.

Not even the point but I’m confused about the car. Was the plan always to drive in and leave it there? How were you originally planning on getting back?

Over40Overdating · 15/12/2024 11:12

When I think I have heard everything I can possibly believe of how badly men will treat women they claim to love, another post comes to shift the bar further into hell.

That your husband told you had you been raped or killed when out on your own, you would have deserved it, is one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever read on here @Craics90.

That’s not a nice and funny man. That is a man who hates you. Who views and treats you with contempt.

You don’t deserve this and your kids don’t deserve to learn about relationships by being exposed to this disgusting specimen.

The fact he’s already told you his house is a pre marital asset you won’t get but allowed you to plough your money into - I’m sorry but he saw you coming. That man has never seen you as his equal or his long term partner.

I’m very sorry your marriage has come to this but I wish you every strength for the future and getting rid of him.

asthecrowdwaschantingmore · 15/12/2024 11:14

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 09:59

@TheKoalaWhoCould I did spend weeks planning, I booked in to an exclusive bar for a Christmas event he wanted to go to, took weeks ahead to book the restaurant he wanted and for it all to be cancelled on Friday because he said he just wanted to do other things. Instead of saying look I want to go on in with my friends. Which I wouldn’t have minded. Instead he cancelled what I had booked and paid deposits for and started a row so he could do his own thing.

Show quote history

I'd bloody well make him pay the deposit money back!

I hope you didn't let him and his drunk friends in in the middle of the night.

What an arse. Couldn't use his words. Instead chose to treat you like absolute shit, even though you'd planned something he agreed to and liked (then he cancelled for no reason, costing you), then declined to go with his friends like you suggested from the start. Chose to treat you like shit then abandon you. Then wake you up after not giving a shit about how you got home yourself.

Total arse.

I would be absolutely raging and he owes both you and your dad an explanation and an apology for his behaviour.

I don't think I could forgive his behaviour either, but some women put up with shit like this. Hope you're not one of them.

Porcuporpoise · 15/12/2024 11:14

I need out of this marriage

Oh you so do. Remember that when "Mr Nice Guy" shows up again for a day or two and tries to make this all go away.

In respect to the house, it's the marital home, so he is wrong about saying that you have no claim. Find yourself a shit hot divorce solicitor and squeeze him til he squeaks.

Over40Overdating · 15/12/2024 11:14

@TANK1980 you should focus on your reading comprehension before calling anyone controlling or abusive.

Busywithsomething · 15/12/2024 11:15

He sounds like an idiot and a nasty one at that. Why did the two of you get together? Find a nice, kind man so that your kids don't grow up thinking his behaviour is right.