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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He left me in city centre…

881 replies

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 02:32

Went in to City Centre today for DH’s birthday. A few of his friends had also arranged to go in today. I asked if he’d prefer to go out with said friends and he repeatedly said no.

Queue 4pm when he began acting like a total arse to me. We went to the usual Christmas market, had some food, waded our way through the crowds to get anywhere and went on a bar crawl.

He’s useless with directions so I usually guide us between bars etc. I asked him multiple times where he wanted to go next and he kept saying that he didn’t mind.

Went to his favourite bar, queued for 40 mins to get inside, got one drink. Whilst standing basically the toilet door, people slamming in to us spilling drink down my back I asked if he wanted to maybe go somewhere more local where we could actually get to the bar and have a dance?

He stormed out of the bar rambling on that I should have stayed at home, even though I spent weeks planning the night and booking in to his favourite restaurant which he made me cancel last night costing me 80£ for late cancellation!

I tried calling him and he told me to F off and said he didn’t care how I got home because I’m not his problem. Therefore, leaving me stranded in the city. Every taxi I stopped was booked and I had to call my elderly dad to come and get me. I felt like such a dick.

Obviously DH had this planned so he could go off and meet friends instead of just saying in the first place. I am so hurt.

He has just came home bashing the door with three others trying to get in and I haven’t opened it. First of all I was asleep and they woke me with the banging, but second of all - bringing people back here when he knows I would be in bed?

AIBU for not opening the door?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Original poster
Craics90 · 17/12/2024 10:11

Thank you. Each and every one of you have helped give me the strength I’ve needed for a very long time.

On Sunday night he disappeared again and didn’t come home until after midnight. I waited for him with packed bags and I told him he would leave or I would take the children and leave.

He didn’t take much convincing. He really picked up his bags and went on his way.

I haven’t heard a word from him since. Which makes me believe more so that he in fact does have another lady friend. All power to the pair of them

OP posts:
Original poster
Craics90 · 17/12/2024 10:16

justasking111 · 16/12/2024 03:46

My lovely Irish friend very well educated amazingly talented. Fell in love with a bit of a jack the lad, buying and selling cars that no-one enquired too closely about. I don't think he'd had much schooling, working for the family as he did from a very young age.

He calls her posh, but there's an edge to it. She's gorgeous looking with a fantastic figure and mad curly red hair. He veers between strutting around and being jealous.

I've heard he's used his fists on her from elsewhere. But she loves him, they've built a business together and it family, not as big a family as he'd like mind.

The OP does remind me of her life.

@justasking111 ah this sounds all to familiar to myself. I really hope you friend one day can find the strength to see that he does not deserve her. It’s a horrible way to feel and what’s worse is from the man who is supposed to love and protect you

OP posts:
Tiswa · 17/12/2024 10:21

DearDenimEagle · 17/12/2024 08:09

Until recently, he would have been right. My ex made case law on that ..property owned before marriage remains the property of that person , is not a marital asset. However, she has put money into it and there are children. So yes, she needs a solicitor. This is a seriously abusive relationship. Creating a trauma bond with alternating nice and nasty. He will be very nasty once she goes for divorce

Show quote history

If it is a separate property for example rental that would be true

are you sure it was the property they lived in because that makes a huge difference

Lisajane47 · 17/12/2024 10:29

His stuff would be on the drive!!!! And the police called

SayItWithCrystals · 17/12/2024 10:33

Craics90 · 17/12/2024 10:11

Thank you. Each and every one of you have helped give me the strength I’ve needed for a very long time.

On Sunday night he disappeared again and didn’t come home until after midnight. I waited for him with packed bags and I told him he would leave or I would take the children and leave.

He didn’t take much convincing. He really picked up his bags and went on his way.

I haven’t heard a word from him since. Which makes me believe more so that he in fact does have another lady friend. All power to the pair of them

Oh love. So yes, this is hard stuff to be dealing with, but I am ‘glad’ you are free of him. You sound strong and resolute in yourself and I hope that continues. Do you have support around you (you mentioned you’d told your Dad about his carry-on)? Sending you love and strength!

Plastictrees · 17/12/2024 10:34

Well done OP, the trash took itself out!

Original poster
Craics90 · 17/12/2024 10:37

SayItWithCrystals · 17/12/2024 10:33

Oh love. So yes, this is hard stuff to be dealing with, but I am ‘glad’ you are free of him. You sound strong and resolute in yourself and I hope that continues. Do you have support around you (you mentioned you’d told your Dad about his carry-on)? Sending you love and strength!

Show quote history

@SayItWithCrystals Da knows everything. I think DH was mostly annoyed that I’d spilled the beans to him. I said it’s as simple as if ye don’t want people to think you’re a c*unt then don’t act like one. Thank you for your kindness it is so greatly appreciated

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 17/12/2024 10:38

I really don’t think it’s going to be this easy though!
Have you booked legal advice ?
He may be away having fun thinking he can appear at any time . Having all that freedom will soon stop being fun .
He will come back full of shit talk.

What’s next OP what are your plans ?

ilikemethewayiam · 17/12/2024 10:49

I’m glad to hear that you kicked him out OP. He is a truly nasty piece of work. as others have said up thread he will most likely be back so have your ducks in a row and be prepared. Wishing you all the best. there are many many women on this site who have been through this and are very wise. They will support you if you need it.

VaddaABeetch · 17/12/2024 10:51

@Craics90 you need to get to a good solicitor

He thinks this is a game, that he can toy with you but that he will win. He’ll stay away a while & reappear when he can cause maximum drama. He’ll use the children as a weapon (you can’t keep me away from my kids).

You need to start putting measures in place to permanently get away from him.

Again he thinks this is a game. You need to take your ball back & end it.

DearDenimEagle · 17/12/2024 10:53

Tiswa · 17/12/2024 10:21

If it is a separate property for example rental that would be true

are you sure it was the property they lived in because that makes a huge difference

Show quote history

I know it was property they lived in. However luckily things have changed. OP put money into the house. My ex was raging when I did some repairs and decorating while he was away ( with a gf as it turned out) as he thought I’d be claiming part of his house if we broke up. Made me sign an agreement not to.

SouthMumof2 · 17/12/2024 11:03

That would definitely be relationship over for me.

RedRock41 · 17/12/2024 11:04

Great response! Speaks volumes he isn’t at all bothered by his conduct or impact on you but only by fact others know. Feel for you OP. Many of us been there and it’s an absolute head and heart break. Well done for packing his bags. Unreal he leapt at chance. Keep your dignity and leave ball in his court. No man is worth your tears because if he was he wouldn’t make you cry in the first place. Surviving Christmas a must. Be last thing you feel like but keep busy and lean on the good people around you. You got this.

DearDenimEagle · 17/12/2024 11:04

VaddaABeetch · 17/12/2024 10:51

@Craics90 you need to get to a good solicitor

He thinks this is a game, that he can toy with you but that he will win. He’ll stay away a while & reappear when he can cause maximum drama. He’ll use the children as a weapon (you can’t keep me away from my kids).

You need to start putting measures in place to permanently get away from him.

Again he thinks this is a game. You need to take your ball back & end it.

This. He’s been good with the children to keep them on his side. If you stayed or went back, he would eventually turn them against you. He be their hero and they will know how he treats you so you will be less than to them. Don’t even think about marriage counselling because they lie, and manipulate and it will be all your fault.
He probably has other women but if so, don’t think he won’t turn on them just the same after a time too. It’s a pattern of behaviour they cannot help. It’s hard wired into them.

Keep the ball rolling, stay in control and don’t talk to him . Go through solicitors and court and make the separation permanent and all legally sorted as quickly as you can because he may well try to be difficult once he’s had time to think about this turn of events

edited typo

Fannyfiggs · 17/12/2024 11:19

You absolute fucking goddess @Craics90 well done in getting this lowlife out. You and your kids will flourish without that prick. Sending you lots of love and strength ❤️

Projectme · 17/12/2024 11:20

I'm just sat here, open mouthed at the comment he made about you deserving it if anything actually did happen to you. 😮I mean, wtf?! That is shocking.

I'm so glad to see your update and that he has left. Please start the ball rolling on a permanent separation/divorce OP. Get a Solicitor ASAP. Ensure any savings you have are in your sole name only. Any joint savings? Remove half before he removes all.

best of luck to you.

ThePoshUns · 17/12/2024 11:28

Thanks for reporting back OP.
It does sound like he has someone else to go to. Good luck to them.
Stay strong. Take all the support you can and plan your life without him.
Best wishes to you.

Caerulea · 17/12/2024 11:37

I said it’s as simple as if ye don’t want people to think you’re a cunt then don’t act like one.

Nailed it!

Impressive turnaround on this OP 🤜

eastcoasterly · 17/12/2024 11:43

I am so proud of you OP. This won't be easy but you are doing the best thing for yourself and your children in the long run. So so proud honestly!

FeegleFrenzy · 17/12/2024 12:03

Sounds like another woman or a cocaine habit....something is definitely his priority and it's not you. Glad he left. Onwards and upwards, you will be better off without him.

Tiredofallthis101 · 17/12/2024 12:04

Great, good riddance to him. Your life will be immeasurably better without him in it. Awful man.

Biddie191 · 17/12/2024 12:11

Holy moly, what a dick!

Sounds like you've done the best thing, now make sure you have legal advice, and support, and look after yourself.
As to any joint accounts, take out half, then get your name removed from the account, as otherwise, any debts are half yours too, I believe. Certainly used to be, as my sister found out when her ex ran up a huge debt on a joint account.
Best of luck xxx

Dandeliontea123 · 17/12/2024 12:19

Well done, OP. You and your kids will be much better off without this waste of space.

Mandaxx25 · 17/12/2024 13:10

This is really abusive behaviour. My husband would never ever treat me like this or leave me alone stranded. He's never even shouted at me or fallen out with me. If I was treated this way not only would I not open the door but his belongings would be in bags in front of it and he might get back in once he figured out who the f he thought he was talking to when he told me to f off in the bar.

pikkumyy77 · 17/12/2024 13:21

Wonderful and courageous @Craics90 ! Now power through cutting all ties. He will come back at some point when his mother or his drunk/divorced/druggy friends can’t support him. So harden you defenses.

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