He left me in city centre…

[Craics90]

Went in to City Centre today for DH’s birthday. A few of his friends had also arranged to go in today. I asked if he’d prefer to go out with said friends and he repeatedly said no.

Queue 4pm when he began acting like a total arse to me. We went to the usual Christmas market, had some food, waded our way through the crowds to get anywhere and went on a bar crawl.

He’s useless with directions so I usually guide us between bars etc. I asked him multiple times where he wanted to go next and he kept saying that he didn’t mind.

Went to his favourite bar, queued for 40 mins to get inside, got one drink. Whilst standing basically the toilet door, people slamming in to us spilling drink down my back I asked if he wanted to maybe go somewhere more local where we could actually get to the bar and have a dance?

He stormed out of the bar rambling on that I should have stayed at home, even though I spent weeks planning the night and booking in to his favourite restaurant which he made me cancel last night costing me 80£ for late cancellation!

I tried calling him and he told me to F off and said he didn’t care how I got home because I’m not his problem. Therefore, leaving me stranded in the city. Every taxi I stopped was booked and I had to call my elderly dad to come and get me. I felt like such a dick.

Obviously DH had this planned so he could go off and meet friends instead of just saying in the first place. I am so hurt.

He has just came home bashing the door with three others trying to get in and I haven’t opened it. First of all I was asleep and they woke me with the banging, but second of all - bringing people back here when he knows I would be in bed?

AIBU for not opening the door?

@StrikeItMucky This 100%.

You have children together, have put money into the house from your housesale and are married( ?). You definitely have a claim to the house. Please talk with a lawyer.

OP, he is not a pretty good fella. He is a horrible person who degrades you, allows his mates to make fun of you and does not value you as a person.

Please re read your post and think about what you would tell a friend if she told you this is how her partner treated her.

Please don’t tolerate this, it needs to end or your children will grow up with this learnt behaviours about relationships.

@Craics90 I hope you are ok.

This is so true.

My husband did this once.
I divorced him 1 month later.

Seriously - why are you with this man? He is an evil shit. Leave him now!

What a dick.

He likes to think he holds the cards doesn't he? And the house is not a pre marital asset, especially as you've got kids. Is that what he thinks keeps you there?

Find a friend who has been through divorce and ask them.

The man's a fucking disgrace. Your dad must want to horsewhip him.

Run like the wind away from this selfish man child.

The more you describe him the worse he sounds.

i was in an abusive relationship for many years and some of the things you are describing are what I experienced. It gets worse. If you’ve moved in together to make a life together he should never make you feel like this is “his house.” Leaving you stranded is not normal,
feeling like you are walking on eggshells is not normal. If you’ve had an argument and your partner has made you feel bad in what I now know is a healthy relationship you can discuss when things calm and feel validated. If he is always right and throws things back at you then you are playing a lose-lose game. Your opinions just don’t count and never will.

I can't imagine any loving husband saying his wife would have deserved it if she had been attacked. Vile.

This says it all. Wants you isolated from family and anyone that cares for you. The hot/cold behaviour is gaslighting. It will get worse. You need to leave.

I’ve never ever said this on here before, but I’m so glad you’re LTB! He sounds vile! I’m glad you have your friends and family for support, and I’m glad he’s show his arse so early in to your relationship so you don’t have to waste another minute of your life on him! 🫂

My father verbally abused my mother, He got up every day and started a fight. He called her all kinds of names and was very demanding. He didn't work or if he got a job he fought because he didn't want to go to work. If he had any money he gambled with it. He took responsibility for nothing in the house or with HIS children and acted like he was the most important person whose needs were a priority. He acted like he should be looked after in every respect and to hell with everyone else. I am the eldest and I have 2 brothers next to me in age. He barely spoke to us except to argue. I also have two sisters, who were born some years later. He was slightly better to them but still fought with my mother. Mind you my mother argued back at him at times and when they were younger she had many black eyes.

I grew up in this environment and it affected me all my life. I don't have a partner because I was always attracted to the wrong ones and maybe felt deep down I wasn't worthy of the good ones. One of my sisters is married to a toxic man who controls her and she fights with him all the time, the other is separated from an abusive man. One of my brothers treats his wife terribly. He doesn't call her names but he argues a lot and is always angry. And he constantly puts the home and kids down as her responsibility as if he is just a house guest. Mind you he does work hard. The other brother has had no relationships for years as he doesn't work and has treated women terribly in the past. He also acts like everyone else is at fault in his life and women should do everything for him

This is not just about you... By staying with this man you are showing your daughter how she deserves to be treated and you are showing your son how to treat women. I wished my mother had left and I am angry that she didn't and subjected us to this abuse. But she had no courage and preferred to be in an abusive relationship than be alone

AFAIK you would be entitled to a share of the house, if it was lived in as the main home and you have kids, and with you paying for work done on it. I'd get some basic advice on this from a solicitor to set your mind at rest. Lots of men bizarrely think that they can kick their wife out and keep everything.

Might depend on what country you are in, but in England it would normally be treated as a marital asset. He is probably trying to scare you by telling you that you would end up with very little, but chances are you could end up with quite a lot

Yeah, abusers don't tend to like it when you don't keep the abuse secret.

My husband was horrible to me for years because he said I was too fat, and when he finally walked out on me because of my weight - very suddenly, because he saw pesto in the fridge and it's fattening - he tried to pass it off to his family as a mutual decision. I emailed his family, copying him, and told them what he'd done and why - that it was not at all mutual, that it was a unilateral decision in which I'd had no choice, and that walked out on me without a moment's notice, all due to my weight. I got this apoplectic email from him which contained the words "How dare you," LOL! 😂😂😂 If people abuse me I'm not keeping the secret, I'm going to tell everyone. I'm SO glad you told your dad. I think you should absolutely tell everyone his disgusting, appalling comment that if something had happened to you, you'd have deserved it. Tell EVERYONE.

I felt so, so sad for you when I read that. That's one of the worst things I've ever heard someone say to their partner. Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that nobody. TELL people what he said to you, both sides of the family and your friends.

I would probably put it as a banner on my social media. Like,

"If something had happened to you, you'd have deserved it." --Emotional abuse in action, a quote from my husband. Behind closed doors....

Big, big hugs to you. He's a horrible, horrible person who's well beneath you. Maybe he was nice once, but he's not now.

💐

Unless this is a one off, totally out of character behaviour, for which he can give a genuine explanation, you should be planning your departure from this marriage. Your DH doesn't just sound controlling and abusive, but he also sounds dangerous. Ask yourself if and why you want to be in a relationship with somebody like that.

Maybe we should stop referring to this type of controlling, abusive, dangerous behaviour ‘the first time’, rather than ‘a one off.’

Sorry, I've read and re-read your comment but I still can't make sense of what you mean.

You need to read up on narcissists . Sounds as though you’re married to one. He will probably turn on waterworks , pity me, I’m sorry, didn’t mean it’s. Or start being super nice, I’ll change don’t go. Acts. To make you stay or come back. Don’t ever go back because he will punish you for leaving. Cruel remarks that are then claimed to be jokes when you react. Everything else he did, mocking etc and the behaviour on his birthday…classic narcissist. They can’t love the way most people can. They think only of themselves. They can put someone on a pedestal for a while but it never lasts. The Nice him is an act, a mask. The nasty him is the real him. I hope you get out and soon because children also don’t need to see this. It would skew their ideas of what a marriage should be like

I think they're saying that this sort of behaviour is rarely a one-off, it's almost invariably part of a pattern, or the start of one.

Until recently, he would have been right. My ex made case law on that ..property owned before marriage remains the property of that person , is not a marital asset. However, she has put money into it and there are children. So yes, she needs a solicitor. This is a seriously abusive relationship. Creating a trauma bond with alternating nice and nasty. He will be very nasty once she goes for divorce

I think it is extremely empowering when women wake up and admit what they have been denying to themselves.

That their partner/husband despises them.
Like really hates them.
Absolutely sleeping with the enemy.

If they can admit that honestly it can help them realise that they REALLY need to PROTECT themselves from this person.

This person actually wishes them HARM.

If you can admit that to yourself it can help you DETACH EMOTIONALLY, which will help you protect yourself and move forward.

This is a really bad coke head that doesn't care a whit for you or your children.

You need to protect yourselves.