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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He left me in city centre…

881 replies

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 02:32

Went in to City Centre today for DH’s birthday. A few of his friends had also arranged to go in today. I asked if he’d prefer to go out with said friends and he repeatedly said no.

Queue 4pm when he began acting like a total arse to me. We went to the usual Christmas market, had some food, waded our way through the crowds to get anywhere and went on a bar crawl.

He’s useless with directions so I usually guide us between bars etc. I asked him multiple times where he wanted to go next and he kept saying that he didn’t mind.

Went to his favourite bar, queued for 40 mins to get inside, got one drink. Whilst standing basically the toilet door, people slamming in to us spilling drink down my back I asked if he wanted to maybe go somewhere more local where we could actually get to the bar and have a dance?

He stormed out of the bar rambling on that I should have stayed at home, even though I spent weeks planning the night and booking in to his favourite restaurant which he made me cancel last night costing me 80£ for late cancellation!

I tried calling him and he told me to F off and said he didn’t care how I got home because I’m not his problem. Therefore, leaving me stranded in the city. Every taxi I stopped was booked and I had to call my elderly dad to come and get me. I felt like such a dick.

Obviously DH had this planned so he could go off and meet friends instead of just saying in the first place. I am so hurt.

He has just came home bashing the door with three others trying to get in and I haven’t opened it. First of all I was asleep and they woke me with the banging, but second of all - bringing people back here when he knows I would be in bed?

AIBU for not opening the door?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
AcrossthePond55 · 15/12/2024 18:02

@Craics90

I'm not sure you've taken in the fact that he said 'if you were attacked you got what you deserved'. Are you really understanding the ramifications of that statement? Because it shows that he thinks of you as less than nothing. I'll bet if one of his mates was left on their own in the city and were attacked he wouldn't say 'They got what they deserved'.

You really really need to speak to a solicitor, especially about the money from your house sale. Speaking to a solicitor doesn't mean you're going to 'do anything', all it means is that you're educating yourself as to your financial position and your vulnerabilities if the time comes that 'something happens'. Forewarned is forearmed.

Where I live if you put your money into a joint account, no matter where (or when) it came from it becomes community property.

Happyaslarry24 · 15/12/2024 18:03

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 10:25

@Whoyoutakingto I am so sorry that this happened to your daughter. I really hope she will be ok and get not only justice but some peace. I’m sure you are heartbroken too. Thoughts are with you all 💚

I can’t forgive him either. Six women have been murdered in our city at the hands of men in the space of 12 weeks. Men that they knew, and men that they didn’t know.

I said to him this morning, you know how I feel about the city and being alone. Anything could happen to anyone and you could have told me you wanted to go on and waited until I got a lift out of the way. Instead you left me to it. And hid reply was “nothing happened to you. You got what you deserved, and if something did happen then you would have also gotten what you deserved”

Show quote history

For this quote alone it would be over.

I’m glad you’re ok. Dont let this be brushed under the carpet. Prick. That’s some way to speak to the mother of his children.Zero respect or love. If something had happened your children would be left without a mother.

“and if something did happen then you would have also gotten what you deserved”

Bowies · 15/12/2024 18:09

YANBU to never let him in again. He deserves to be no more than your SBXH

SpryCat · 15/12/2024 18:11

Op please divorce this man, he doesn’t deserve, love or respect you, next on the cards will be another woman and him flaunting it in your face.
Your husband believes he holds all the cards because it’s His house! He gleefully thinks you sold your house years ago, ploughed money from the sale into His house for renovations and it is still His house.
He has two faces, the first one is his public face where people think he’s a great guy, the other face is for those he feel contempt for, those he feels superior to as he holds all the cards and won’t expose him as they would lose everything if they did.

You have to find out what you and your Dc are entitled to, get your ducks in a row.
Then get the ball rolling. X

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 15/12/2024 18:12

DreamyRedNewt · 15/12/2024 12:33

His behaviour was no good, I'd be really annoyed at cancelling the restaurant and also the rest of his behaviour, however...

I don't get the getting left by yourself in the city centre and you having to call your elderly dad, why did you have to call your dad?? For me, this seems too needy. Surely, in a city centre, nobody needs to come to rescue you, there are plenty of alternatives: buses, ubers. If the area is too busy, you can take a bus to a less busy area to take a taxi from there. Or go and have a drink by yourself and take a taxi at a different time

Sorry if I miss the point, but to me calling your dad is very unreasonable so I wonder about the whole story

Have you ever tried to get home from a busy city centre right in the mouth of Christmas, especially on your own?!

Catch yourself on.

OneJollyPlayer · 15/12/2024 18:14

I'm so sorry, I accidently pressed that you were BU when i think you are clearly not BU about being distressed about how he has treated you. I think he sounds dreadful and abusive and as others have said, if you stay with him, your children will see your relationship as normal when it clearly isn't. Please get away from him.

Chicaontour · 15/12/2024 18:14

Hi OP I am sorry you are going through this shit but most of all, the scales have fallen from your eyes and you are realising that your partner is a DICK. He orchestrated a row to leave you as he didn't want to be seen in a bad light . He is annoyed as your father knows and he is in the horrors after coming down. Not that he ruined a great night. Gaslight central. You offered him an out to meet up with his friends but instead he chose to pick a non row and leave. You say how he's normally great but then you are walking on egg shells. This is even more concerning than the row. Take the support from your family.

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 15/12/2024 18:19

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 10:15

I let him in at 5.20am as he was back again alone banging the door in and the dog was going crazy. I didn’t want the neighbours to report him either. I sold my own house when we got married and I moved in with him. I feel like I’ve given up everything and myself as a person. He belittles me every day, he calls me posh and mocks the way I speak. He mocks my clothing. He’s usually a very nice and funny man, however I can see a lot of red flags recently. As someone said above, it’s ok saying you love someone but actions speak louder than anything. He didn’t even know that I was home because he never called or messaged. His phone was also dead so he wouldn’t have seen me on the ring cam when he arrived here at 2am. He went back to said friends house and charged phone before coming back at 5.20am. I’ve asked for an apology but all he’s said is that I am a wanker and I got what I deserved. I don’t believe in telling anyone what they deserve because who am I to delegate on anyone’s life?

Your poor pet, that's one of the vilest things I've ever seen here.

You don't have to put up with his crap any more. Get rid. Tell your mum and dad everything, and they will support you.

ArgosOrArgoose · 15/12/2024 18:24

He is an absolute arse of a man.
Make steps to leave, your future self will
thank you!!

WendyA22 · 15/12/2024 18:27

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 02:32

Went in to City Centre today for DH’s birthday. A few of his friends had also arranged to go in today. I asked if he’d prefer to go out with said friends and he repeatedly said no.

Queue 4pm when he began acting like a total arse to me. We went to the usual Christmas market, had some food, waded our way through the crowds to get anywhere and went on a bar crawl.

He’s useless with directions so I usually guide us between bars etc. I asked him multiple times where he wanted to go next and he kept saying that he didn’t mind.

Went to his favourite bar, queued for 40 mins to get inside, got one drink. Whilst standing basically the toilet door, people slamming in to us spilling drink down my back I asked if he wanted to maybe go somewhere more local where we could actually get to the bar and have a dance?

He stormed out of the bar rambling on that I should have stayed at home, even though I spent weeks planning the night and booking in to his favourite restaurant which he made me cancel last night costing me 80£ for late cancellation!

I tried calling him and he told me to F off and said he didn’t care how I got home because I’m not his problem. Therefore, leaving me stranded in the city. Every taxi I stopped was booked and I had to call my elderly dad to come and get me. I felt like such a dick.

Obviously DH had this planned so he could go off and meet friends instead of just saying in the first place. I am so hurt.

He has just came home bashing the door with three others trying to get in and I haven’t opened it. First of all I was asleep and they woke me with the banging, but second of all - bringing people back here when he knows I would be in bed?

AIBU for not opening the door?

You've both had shit time by the sounds of it. My husband would have absolutely hated traipsing around the markets before the pub crawl and probably would have moa Ed.

But he is also a really good husband the rest of the time. What's yours like for the rest of the time? Everyone saying leave him without even knowing you, just sounds a bit drastic.

You're right to be pissed off with him, but is it really marriage ending stuff?

CautiousLurker01 · 15/12/2024 18:30

WendyA22 · 15/12/2024 18:27

You've both had shit time by the sounds of it. My husband would have absolutely hated traipsing around the markets before the pub crawl and probably would have moa Ed.

But he is also a really good husband the rest of the time. What's yours like for the rest of the time? Everyone saying leave him without even knowing you, just sounds a bit drastic.

You're right to be pissed off with him, but is it really marriage ending stuff?

Show quote history

Pls read the rest of OPs posts…

Honestlyhonee · 15/12/2024 18:33

@WendyA22 apparently there is a new rule on mumsnet that if you quote an op’s post more than one time you get a ban. Hopefully you’re safe 🤞

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2024 18:34

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 10:39

@Imbusytodaysorry i put a lot of the house sale money in to renovating his house and buying a static caravan.

I do have some money left over but not a lot.

You are completely right. I need to contact a solicitor and speak to my parents to see where I stand or if we can stay with them for a while until I gather up some more money.

One of the friends that was out is a serial cheater - at 46. His poor wife has no idea. So maybe you’re right on that also, maybe he wanted to keep his options open. Or maybe something has happened, or he has someone else which would explain how I went from love of his life one day to absolute wanker the next.

Show quote history

You're married. What's his is yours.

And until it is you may be entitled to UC

Please get out

Have a better life

OrNo · 15/12/2024 18:34

This thread and all the things he's ever done and said to you should remain a really good reminder during the divorce when he tries to get you to go back to him. No no no. He says these things. Hd does these things. It will get better.

Get those ducks in a row and get out of there. You do not and should not have to put up with a man who speaks to you like that and does things to you like that. A man doesn't have to hit you for it to be domestic abuse. Belittling and putting down constantly. Picking fights for no reason. Engineering fights so you do what he wants/he does what he wants. It's coercive control and you don't have to put up with it any more. When you realise that it's so freeing!

loveisanopensore · 15/12/2024 18:37

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2024 18:34

You're married. What's his is yours.

And until it is you may be entitled to UC

Please get out

Have a better life

Show quote history

No universal credit in Ireland.
There is child benefit and loan parents benefit.

WhatUSeeIsWhatUGet · 15/12/2024 18:40

YANBU. And while you're at it, change the locks. What an awful specimen he is.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2024 18:40

loveisanopensore · 15/12/2024 18:37

No universal credit in Ireland.
There is child benefit and loan parents benefit.

Show quote history

Ah. I stand corrected

I hope the OP will be entitled to that till she's sorted

TalkingInTheKitchenAtParties · 15/12/2024 18:40

You deserve so much better, his behaviour towards you is absolutely vile.

MorphandMindy · 15/12/2024 18:47

Ah pet, this is awful.

I'm pretty sure the white powder was involved, and that it has been for a long time now. Everyone knows Ireland has a massive problem with it right now (along with everywhere else, I suppose - I was home last week and we were talking about the problems with the farmers).

Anyway, that's addict behaviour, making you into the bad guy and engineering a fight. It means that if you can be the villain in his story, then nothing you say matters and your disapproval isn't worth taking note. So by taking a few lines of the oul snow, he's NOT a bad person, he's sticking it to the man and standing up for himself, and he gets to feel good about himself for telling you to fuck off.

Has he called you "sanctimonious" yet? Drinkers and drugtakers LOVE that word, because it's a worse sin to be sanctimonious than it is to indulge in what they see as "harmless".

BellissimoGecko · 15/12/2024 18:48

And hid reply was “nothing happened to you. You got what you deserved, and if something did happen then you would have also gotten what you deserved”

He's an absolute cunt. How long has he spoken to you like that?

Can you make plans to leave?

He sounds like he hates you. That's no relationship at all.

xTheLoudLeaderx · 15/12/2024 18:52

I’ve read a lot of the thread but not all of it. Sorry… he mocks your clothing ? What the hell ?
If you locked him out of his house because you had a fall out that’s not really fair although I get it.
Its not fair he came back with other people either but there seems to be some crazy stuff going on this time of year.
You sound like you’re both in a rut and going out probably isn’t helping you. Don’t you think you should be out celebrating ? Not arguing and getting left ? It’s time to take control - surely you don’t want this ?

hepsitemiz · 15/12/2024 18:53

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 12:39

@LittleSF yes we were out in Dublin and it was absolutely crazy. I felt uncomfortable as it was anyway because as you know yourself you’re holding on to each other just pushing through crowds and everyone is spilling drink down you. I asked him a few times are you ok, what are you drinking etc and he barely grunted back at me. He honestly wasn’t interested in having a conversation. I got a new outfit and I felt so gorgeous and he took one look at me and said “are you really wearing that, what you had on looked better” which was jeans and boots. I am so deflated today. I don’t know what to do aside from keep the kids away and safe. But how do I do that? Do I just take them from their home? I don’t imagine he’ll go easily

Show quote history

Is your husband John Paul from Bad Sisters? (worth a watch if you are not familiar with it - Netflix[

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 15/12/2024 18:54

Whether to open the door is surely the least of your worries. What can be done about your marriage to this horribly ungrateful and disrespectful man?

KnutsfordCityLimits · 15/12/2024 18:59

DD's dad used to do this sort of thing to me, engineer a fight so he could go drinking with his mates and make it my fault. One time I couldn't even get into the house because I didn't have a key and had to call my mum and dad to come with their key and take me to take me back to theirs. I stayed with him for such a long time and I have no idea why, it stopped me from being able to find a new relationship before it got too difficult with DD in the teenage years. Don't do what I did, it wasted so much of my life.

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 15/12/2024 19:08

WendyA22 · 15/12/2024 18:27

You've both had shit time by the sounds of it. My husband would have absolutely hated traipsing around the markets before the pub crawl and probably would have moa Ed.

But he is also a really good husband the rest of the time. What's yours like for the rest of the time? Everyone saying leave him without even knowing you, just sounds a bit drastic.

You're right to be pissed off with him, but is it really marriage ending stuff?

Show quote history

OMG would you really accept it if your husband told you that you would have deserved to be raped or murdered??Would he have ditched you in a city centre leaving you to find your own way home? And the rest!

Did you even read the thread?