He left me in city centre…

[Craics90]

Went in to City Centre today for DH’s birthday. A few of his friends had also arranged to go in today. I asked if he’d prefer to go out with said friends and he repeatedly said no.

Queue 4pm when he began acting like a total arse to me. We went to the usual Christmas market, had some food, waded our way through the crowds to get anywhere and went on a bar crawl.

He’s useless with directions so I usually guide us between bars etc. I asked him multiple times where he wanted to go next and he kept saying that he didn’t mind.

Went to his favourite bar, queued for 40 mins to get inside, got one drink. Whilst standing basically the toilet door, people slamming in to us spilling drink down my back I asked if he wanted to maybe go somewhere more local where we could actually get to the bar and have a dance?

He stormed out of the bar rambling on that I should have stayed at home, even though I spent weeks planning the night and booking in to his favourite restaurant which he made me cancel last night costing me 80£ for late cancellation!

I tried calling him and he told me to F off and said he didn’t care how I got home because I’m not his problem. Therefore, leaving me stranded in the city. Every taxi I stopped was booked and I had to call my elderly dad to come and get me. I felt like such a dick.

Obviously DH had this planned so he could go off and meet friends instead of just saying in the first place. I am so hurt.

He has just came home bashing the door with three others trying to get in and I haven’t opened it. First of all I was asleep and they woke me with the banging, but second of all - bringing people back here when he knows I would be in bed?

AIBU for not opening the door?

In Ireland, property owned before marriage is considered part of the "family pot" of assets, which is divided upon divorce. This means that even assets acquired before marriage can be taken into account when determining the division of property. However, the court will consider various factors, such as the duration of the marriage, contributions of each spouse, and the needs of any dependents, to ensure a fair distribution. The fact that the money from your home went into what he considers HIS house and the kids will all be taken into account.

But can I ask if anything has happened to sour the relationship lately as you seem to imply this side of him is new? I'm only asking because earlier you said his mates used white power and if that is the case, is it possible he had been indulging? It sort of fits with some of what you have been saying.

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I audibly gasped when I read he said if something would have happened to you, you’d have deserved it. I could not move past this. He hates you OP 😞 he may not even realise it himself, but he does.

im so sorry, I can’t imagine living with someone much less having committed my life in marriage and children to them and have them treat me like this. I hope you find your way through OP. You are not confused. Don’t let him bamboozle you with the times he can be nice. Don’t let your children grow up thinking this is okay either 😞

huge hugs to you.

Even without last night he sounds emotionally abusive and awful. Calling you a tart, a wanker and laughing at fat jokes about you. The relationship would be over for sure. Hope you manage to get away.

Just wanted to say to anyone wondering why the OP had to call her dad to bring her home, last night in Dublin was the craziest I've seen it in years. I finished dinner with friends at about midnight and headed for my bus - three went past full and it was getting really tense. The taxi apps were useless and it was impossible to flag a taxi down. I ended up walking out of town for about 20 mins to see if I could get a taxi when another bus came and I managed to get home.

I'm about 30 mins outside the city in an area with a late night bus service - I used to be about an hour out with no late bus so really understand why she rang her dad.

It wasn't a normal Saturday in town - it was chaotic.

What a nasty, selfish person he is. And how dreadful to treat you in this way. I can never understand people who say stuff like ‘I don’t mind where we go, what we do’ etc. Then whatever you do isn’t the right thing for them, and there is invariably a quarrel.
Separate from him: you deserve so much better!

Goodness, OP.

Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Here’s a free link. You can start, now. https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Don't worry about poster like Tank. There are always a few who lead such miserable, sad lives that the only way they can get through the day is to try and bring someone else down to their level. Luckily, most people cannot get that far down.

As for your NVDAH (not very dear asshole husband). What he said to you is worse than anything most of us could even think to say. I have not read all of your posts but did see where he said the "house is his". Not all of it, as he will find out. Please, I hope you have talked to your parents and gotten some good advice, if not help. It would be wonderful if you could spend Christmas with the people that love you, which means, without the NVDAH.

You deserve so much better than that waste of a man. Actually, he is not a real man, since a real man would never, ever, treat someone they supposedly love, as he has treated you.

I am across the pond from you, so know that your hand-holds and best wishes are coming from all around the world. Use THAT as your strength. {{HUGS}}

@ForTicklishSquid yes, DD is 3 and DS is 18 months.

"He’s usually a pretty good fella."

He really doesn't sound like he is OP. He sounds like an emotionally abusive bully.

You need to leave right now, take the children and stay with your parents for Christmas.
You're married and have children together and you put money from your house sale into the upkeep of his, so he's talking nonsense saying you're not entitled to a share of "his" house. You'll be entitled to half. I would say you probably have a good case for being allowed to stay in the house with the DC because it's their home, while he finds somewhere else.

Op - please be strong dealing with this appalling man! Don't give an inch and do not let him take you down any further. Really - what a cruel pig!

Fuck That Shit OP. He was a complete arsehole to you on his birthday and it sounds like he disrespects you all the time. If he’d fond of the white powder then this will not get any better.

He’s probably banking on it being so close to Christmas that you won’t cause a scene but if I were you I would be seriously considering ending it now. You’ve already said that you are constantly walking on eggshells. Do you want your kids to grow up in this environment? If it’s too hard to pull the plug right away at least start preparing for it mentally and financially.

You sound lovely and he does not deserve you. Wishing you strength!

Every dime of your house money that he touched should come back to you in a divorce. What did he "do" with your money?

I have read all of your updates on how he is sometimes nice and treats the children decently. The fact that he makes you the butt of his jokes, and talks to you the way he does, shows the world what he really thinks/feels about you. No one should ever be demeaning as he is to you, more often than not, by the sound of it.

You and your children deserve better. I would hate to see them start to think your NVDAH's behavior is acceptable, ever.

I read that you recently lost a family member and that you were there with them at the end. Having been through this with my parents and sister, I am so very sorry for your loss. Being with that person at the end is both loving and heart-wrenching. It's not easy, and you are bound to feel a myriad of emotions for quite some time. Be kind to yourself.

I hope you have already had some good advice, if not help, from your parents. Your NVDAH treats you horribly, more than once in a while, and you have the right to not have that shit in your life. Do not let him push you around while you wait to leave. Get that inner strength you have and keep it handy. You can do this.

@Craics90 he sounds like an arsehole, is he saying that if you were attacked or even worse, that you deserve this? What sort of a person has this outlook, shame on him.

I hope you are ok, next time don’t make any plans with this ungrateful arsehole xx

Sadly I think your new year’s resolution is to get out of this marriage. He is a vile, disrespectful man who is abusing you on a low level but it will ramp up… his behaviour is disgraceful. He’s shown no care for you at all and you deserve better

Sorry, but you need to leave him. Like tomorrow.
The house will be sold, you will get half.
you know this isn't going to get better

It is very relevant that you mention that you are recently bereaved, that he's never done this before and there is no backstory. Some (abusive) men appear to be normal until you become vulnerable and then you go from being love of their life to wanker that deserves to be punished over night.

On top of the bereavement this is an almighty mind fuck that leaves you reeling and can really affect self worth. And the self belief and strength needed to leave. This is why they do it when you are least able to cope.

A good partner supports you when you are struggling with the difficult things we all encounter - they don't capitalise on an opportunity to abuse you and make you feel worse. Don't minimise.

Get the help and support of family and friends and leave this situation. Go to women's aid if you need to - particularly the freedom programme. You know now he will never be there for you and will drag you down and destroy your self esteem.

Have name-changed. I have just read all of your posts and, my God, he seems so like an ex I had many moons ago, albeit in London, OP. ...(my ex's family were originally from Ireland and he would be late 50s now just in case it is the same fella). It's just that the behaviour you've described is identical down to my ex leaving me in a horrible area to walk home alone at 1am because it was my 18th birthday and he picked a drunken fight saying he didn't like my friends who we had been out with earlier. It took a while (as I was very young, trusting and naive etc.,) but I did eventually see the light and ended the relationship as I could see that it would not be a happy match. Please love, seriously consider getting your ducks in a row and getting out asap. This is not a man who you want to grow old with or have your children see how he treats you and then replay that in their adult relationships. And especially as you have just been through a bereavement.... and that's how he 'cares' for you....Wow. You take care. 💐

@Craics90 He's a selfish nasty cunt! Seriously start making plans to divorce him OP and start a nicer life without him he clearly wants to be single so let him have it he'll realise eventually what he threw away and it'll be too late.

Start saving OP and planning your exit. Get all the paperwork together you need and copies of all finanicial records. Anything valuable sneak it out and leave it with someone you trust like photos, jewellerly, passports etc. Don't stay and let your kids see you being treated so poorly its damaging to them what if they start behaving like their father does after seeing his example and treat you badly in the future? Or they could go through life being doormats because thats what they've seen from you when their father belittles you.

You did a lovely thing for your husband's birthday and he basically threw it back in your face, caused you to lose money for cancelling, abandoned you to get pissed with his mates and didn't bother to check you got home safely. Then tried to bring said mates back to your house at 2am and fucked off when he couldn't get in and returned at gone 5am. He gave no apology and had the AUDACITY TO CALL YOU WANKER AND SAID YOU DESERVED IT!!!

Thank you all so much for your help and support. You will never know just how much it means to me. 😭

How would you feel if a spouse treated either of your children the way he treats you? Like they’re hated, just pieces of shit under someone’s shoe? Verbally abused and insulted? What advice would YOU give them?

@Craics90 He isn't ashamed of his actions if he was he would have apologised. The reason he told that lie to your friends is because he knows they would think he's a cunt and probably call him out on it.

“nothing happened to you. You got what you deserved, and if something did happen then you would have also gotten what you deserved”

This tells you everything you need to know about how much love this man has for you, but in case you can't see it, it's zero. If anything, these are the words of a man who actively does not like you.

He has put you in a poor financial position purposefully. It's a real shame you sold the house but it's done now - time to see a good solicitor and find out how you approach this for maximum financial security in a divorce.

As everyone has said - you DO need to divorce him and you do need to be extremely vocal with everyone involved as to the verbal abuse and general twattery you've been suffering at his hands. He clearly expects you to cover up for him, the bastard.

I'm so glad you have supportive parents, OP.

Crossing fingers that your Dad rips him a new one!

My DS was 3 when I split from his abusive father. His behaviour since has made me realise, he did know what was going on and it did effect him. I knew what my own mother was going through. They know and as they get older they'll think it's normal. Your daughter will pick an abuser as a partner, your son will become one.
But it sounds like you've had the light bulb moment. And you've already made an amazing step forward by telling people what he didn't instead of lying for him, as most would do.
Make 2025 the year you divorce this complete knob of a man.
You're better than this. Miles better.

Do you have any idea of what you plans to do next ?