To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

[Elise89]

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

Remember to check all the bills you pay are cancelled or transferred,
Council tax if it’s in your lead name and you pay.
Electricity
Gas
Water and Sewage
Broadband
Any subscriptions like Netflix
Any maintenance contracts.
Contents insurance
Tenants insurance if you have it.

If you’re on a rolling lease you can give the LL one month notice to remove your name from the tenancy. If this is agreed write a formal acknowledgment stating that from x date you will no longer be a tenant and will no longer accept any liability for rent or other costs involved in the tenancy no matter how they arise.
If you paid the deposit or towards the deposit arrange with the LL how this will be repaid to you. Keep proof of anything in writing sent to LL.

Enjoy your new home 🏠

You’ve made the right decision..leave

I would do the same, but I would have it out with them both together first, if you only rent suggest to DP that you both move and leave his brother behind.
Honestly as soon as the last lockdown lifted I would have packed his bags booked him into an hotel near the airport, called a taxi and waved goodbye to him. I'd guess your DP wouldn't have objected , it seems he (like most men is a moral coward and hasn't got the backbone to do it himself).
TBH I'd have heard warning bells as soon as he suggested his brother stay for "a few weeks" , this, to me, is not normal- he probably knows he would freeload.
The "I love you" is real if he agrees to move and leave the brother behind.

THIS

Enjoy your new home.

Do not let DP moving in before BIL is sorted. Actually, find someone else?

Good luck op 🌺

A joke - good for you op! Don’t waste your young years on this any longer

Well done OP. What a pair of wasters. They have taken advantage of you for long enough

I think you probably know but this will never change. If he was willing to see your side why wait so long. In addition, you do not need to be living together to enjoy a happy relationship. In a lot of ways keeping your independence and sorting out your own finances gives more promise to enjoy the good times. I was in a marriage where my husband's family dominated and he was bad with money. It was never ending and I was always left with nothing. This won't change. When it ended I made a rule, the next relationship will be based on fun and not dependency. I have never looked back. Enjoy a relationship living apart and don't let others dictate how you should live. Sounds like you've been seen as a commodity. Time for change.

Good for you op. No more wasting your youth on these men.

All power to you. You have been more than reasonable and more than patient. 5 years is a long time to wait and if it hasnt happened by then it mosy likely never will. Not whilst you continue to shoulder the responsibility for others. Of course DP is trying to change your mind using enotional guilt - it is the only leverage he has remainign to use and he knows it. He cant say with any credibility things will change because that would be ridiculous after 5 years of waiting. He cant say with any credibility that you could have contributed more as he knows you did most of the contributing. So he is despserately playing his last card .... love (bla bla). He may say the words but the actions say his priorities lie elsewhere. Don;t look back - you deserve so much more than this. You will be happier off alone being able to focus your time, energy and resources on you and those who support you .... best of luck in your new found freedom and for getting your life back and being released from the burdens of your ex.

I wouldn't even wash my DH's pants never mind his sibling's!! They've taken you for a complete mug. TG you are finally breaking out of this shitshow.

Enjoy your new life, and don't ever be made a fool of like that again.

And let them live happily after together, bachelor pad for 2. Good for you, his bro needs a kick up the arse and so does your DP. X

No excuse for bumming off you for 5 years, he's a grown man.

Yaay about time You are so going to love this!!

Good grief. They must have thought that all their birthdays had come at once, having you to do all the chores for them.

Hmmm. I'm wondering which. I'm half-Slav. In my dad's home country, the set up is still rather patriarchal. Women now have equality, meaning that they get to work and do all the housework and garden.

OP isn't on a periodic or rolling tenancy. She's on a 12 month fixed term tenancy which doesn't end until the summer so she needs to get the LL's and STBEx's agreement to end the tenancy (which ends it for all tenants).

One of them will persuade some naive woman to move in with them.

You did his washing? WTAF

... which means that the relationship is over as far as he is concerned, too - whether he likes it or not!

Make sure that that message filters through the sediment in his tiny brain.

Get gone girl no guilt , you have been more than responsible
well done

I would have left long ago! Quite how you've stayed this long is surprising. But well done for finding the strength to walk away and I wish you well indoor new home 👏

Good for you. Your ex is only worried about having to the only one paying any bills.

WELL DONE YOU! Stick to your decision and go on and live the best life xxx

🏃🏼‍♀️Run and don’t look back, I wonder how long yr ex will stick his darling brother?!