Page 9 | Daughter sent to bed in wet dirty pjs

namecnge1 · 2024-12-14T14:16:58+00:00

Name changed, regular user but potentially outing. I am absolutely fuming about this and I need somebody to either confirm that what I'm feeling is valid or whether it's not a big deal and to let it go. DH and I went out last night for 2 hours which covered DD (19 months old) bedtime. I gave her dinner and a bath and clean pjs then she normally plays with books or quiet toys for half hour before bed. My Mum & Dad came to ours to put her to bed and babysit until we got home. I told my Dad to help himself to a glass of wine (mum is a recovering alcoholic but doesn't mind others drinking in front of her, 3 years sober but u had an awful childhood due to her drinking and maybe this is why it's stirred up so much for me). When we got home, Dad told me that DD grabbed his wine glass and spilt a bit of red wine on her and said "oh no!" and we laughed about it. I assumed they'd changed her. I've got her out of bed this morning, her whole foot of babygrow is stained with red wine plus her whole arm, she stinks of alcohol and now her sleeping bag has red patches on it too (how I know they put her to bed with it wet on her as it's transferred). Clearly a very full glass of wine has split on her. I called my mum and asked why she wasn't changed? She's a baby covered in wine, her reply was that they didn't know where her pjs are. She's got a chest of drawers and a mini wardrobe, 5 drawers in her bedroom in total, 2 of them are full of clean pjs and babygrows. They weren't hard to find. I told her I'm livid and she told me I'm over reacting and it hasn't ended well. So my daughter has gone to bed, in wet pjs (not just water but wine ffs) stinks of alcohol to the point I had to bath her this morning because you could smell it on her skin and my Mum thinks that's okay? Please tell me if I'm in the wrong here.

packitinagain · 14/12/2024 19:03

Are they used to looking after your child? As in changing and day to day care?

Zone2NorthLondon · 14/12/2024 19:19

packitinagain · 14/12/2024 19:03

Are they used to looking after your child? As in changing and day to day care?

but this isn’t about maintaining a routine, it’s clear cut, PJ got wet they need changed
This is not complicated, no judgement or convoluted routine to maintain

Tandora · 14/12/2024 19:24

The posters going on about OP offering her dad a glass of wine are being ridiculous. Jesus Christ how sanctimonious do you have to be!
Only on mumsnet would one glass of wine offered to a guest in your home invite such reproach. 🙄

Original poster

namecnge1 · 14/12/2024 19:46

My relationship with my Dad is a little damaged because of what I was "allowed" to go through as a child, yes and I am angry at him too but some of you are right and I'm probably more angry at my Mum due to past issues which may be wrong due to it being my Dad's wine that was spilt on DD.

I will call my Mum tomorrow and try and smooth things over.

I've worked so hard all of my life in and out of counselling, therapy etc to try and undo some of the damage done to me as a child through my mum's addiction and I think smelling alcohol on my child tipped me over the edge. I remember being 7 or 8 and Mum falling asleep with a glass of wine in her hand in bed with a cigarette also whilst Dad was working a night shift and having to take the cigarette off of her and put it out in the ash tray before she set light to her bed covers and also smelling the spilt wine on her and the bed. I'd often not sleep at night scared she'd wake up drunk and light another cigarette and set fire to the house. So yes there is lots of trauma there for me still and I'll probably be working on it for the rest of my life.

I wanted different for my life, yes I had wild nights out with alcohol involved in my late teens and early 20s and then I got married and promised myself that any future children of mine would go to sleep knowing they are loved, comfortable, safe and never having to worry about me, that would be my job as their Mum. I was the parent as a child. It fills me with horror now thinking how my mum would drive me to school way over the limit every morning.

As part of my healing journey, I decided to forgive my parents when my Mum made a promise to be sober. She kept her word. We attended counselling together, it'll never give me my childhood back but she acknowledged the damage she caused and she was sorry and her actions since have proved that by staying sober, being very involved and excited during my pregnancy and when and since DD was born. Many probably wouldn't understand why I'd still have them in my life but it hurts me more to hold on to bitterness and sadness than it does to forgive.

She's never put a foot wrong with DD except last night her and my dad were both in the wrong for not changing DD.

I do want to move on from this and I can see this has triggered me massively due to my childhood and it may not be such a big deal to others that didn't go through what I did.

OP posts:

Petrasings · 14/12/2024 19:50

namecnge1 · 14/12/2024 19:46

My relationship with my Dad is a little damaged because of what I was "allowed" to go through as a child, yes and I am angry at him too but some of you are right and I'm probably more angry at my Mum due to past issues which may be wrong due to it being my Dad's wine that was spilt on DD.

I will call my Mum tomorrow and try and smooth things over.

I've worked so hard all of my life in and out of counselling, therapy etc to try and undo some of the damage done to me as a child through my mum's addiction and I think smelling alcohol on my child tipped me over the edge. I remember being 7 or 8 and Mum falling asleep with a glass of wine in her hand in bed with a cigarette also whilst Dad was working a night shift and having to take the cigarette off of her and put it out in the ash tray before she set light to her bed covers and also smelling the spilt wine on her and the bed. I'd often not sleep at night scared she'd wake up drunk and light another cigarette and set fire to the house. So yes there is lots of trauma there for me still and I'll probably be working on it for the rest of my life.

I wanted different for my life, yes I had wild nights out with alcohol involved in my late teens and early 20s and then I got married and promised myself that any future children of mine would go to sleep knowing they are loved, comfortable, safe and never having to worry about me, that would be my job as their Mum. I was the parent as a child. It fills me with horror now thinking how my mum would drive me to school way over the limit every morning.

As part of my healing journey, I decided to forgive my parents when my Mum made a promise to be sober. She kept her word. We attended counselling together, it'll never give me my childhood back but she acknowledged the damage she caused and she was sorry and her actions since have proved that by staying sober, being very involved and excited during my pregnancy and when and since DD was born. Many probably wouldn't understand why I'd still have them in my life but it hurts me more to hold on to bitterness and sadness than it does to forgive.

She's never put a foot wrong with DD except last night her and my dad were both in the wrong for not changing DD.

I do want to move on from this and I can see this has triggered me massively due to my childhood and it may not be such a big deal to others that didn't go through what I did.

It would be a big deal to me too, and I have none of your history. I see dry, clean clothes for a baby or child as the most basic of care. As do most people, including social services.

Zone2NorthLondon · 14/12/2024 19:52

namecnge1 · 14/12/2024 19:46

My relationship with my Dad is a little damaged because of what I was "allowed" to go through as a child, yes and I am angry at him too but some of you are right and I'm probably more angry at my Mum due to past issues which may be wrong due to it being my Dad's wine that was spilt on DD.

I will call my Mum tomorrow and try and smooth things over.

I've worked so hard all of my life in and out of counselling, therapy etc to try and undo some of the damage done to me as a child through my mum's addiction and I think smelling alcohol on my child tipped me over the edge. I remember being 7 or 8 and Mum falling asleep with a glass of wine in her hand in bed with a cigarette also whilst Dad was working a night shift and having to take the cigarette off of her and put it out in the ash tray before she set light to her bed covers and also smelling the spilt wine on her and the bed. I'd often not sleep at night scared she'd wake up drunk and light another cigarette and set fire to the house. So yes there is lots of trauma there for me still and I'll probably be working on it for the rest of my life.

I wanted different for my life, yes I had wild nights out with alcohol involved in my late teens and early 20s and then I got married and promised myself that any future children of mine would go to sleep knowing they are loved, comfortable, safe and never having to worry about me, that would be my job as their Mum. I was the parent as a child. It fills me with horror now thinking how my mum would drive me to school way over the limit every morning.

As part of my healing journey, I decided to forgive my parents when my Mum made a promise to be sober. She kept her word. We attended counselling together, it'll never give me my childhood back but she acknowledged the damage she caused and she was sorry and her actions since have proved that by staying sober, being very involved and excited during my pregnancy and when and since DD was born. Many probably wouldn't understand why I'd still have them in my life but it hurts me more to hold on to bitterness and sadness than it does to forgive.

She's never put a foot wrong with DD except last night her and my dad were both in the wrong for not changing DD.

I do want to move on from this and I can see this has triggered me massively due to my childhood and it may not be such a big deal to others that didn't go through what I did.

It’s not your role to smooth things over,that’s too placating and passive
You simply acknowledge you both see the event differently and you’re unhappy
Do listen to her, but don’t be compelled to placate or apologise. Dont be the smootherer. You don’t need to make things smoother

GivingitToGod · 14/12/2024 19:55

namecnge1 · 14/12/2024 19:46

My relationship with my Dad is a little damaged because of what I was "allowed" to go through as a child, yes and I am angry at him too but some of you are right and I'm probably more angry at my Mum due to past issues which may be wrong due to it being my Dad's wine that was spilt on DD.

I will call my Mum tomorrow and try and smooth things over.

I've worked so hard all of my life in and out of counselling, therapy etc to try and undo some of the damage done to me as a child through my mum's addiction and I think smelling alcohol on my child tipped me over the edge. I remember being 7 or 8 and Mum falling asleep with a glass of wine in her hand in bed with a cigarette also whilst Dad was working a night shift and having to take the cigarette off of her and put it out in the ash tray before she set light to her bed covers and also smelling the spilt wine on her and the bed. I'd often not sleep at night scared she'd wake up drunk and light another cigarette and set fire to the house. So yes there is lots of trauma there for me still and I'll probably be working on it for the rest of my life.

I wanted different for my life, yes I had wild nights out with alcohol involved in my late teens and early 20s and then I got married and promised myself that any future children of mine would go to sleep knowing they are loved, comfortable, safe and never having to worry about me, that would be my job as their Mum. I was the parent as a child. It fills me with horror now thinking how my mum would drive me to school way over the limit every morning.

As part of my healing journey, I decided to forgive my parents when my Mum made a promise to be sober. She kept her word. We attended counselling together, it'll never give me my childhood back but she acknowledged the damage she caused and she was sorry and her actions since have proved that by staying sober, being very involved and excited during my pregnancy and when and since DD was born. Many probably wouldn't understand why I'd still have them in my life but it hurts me more to hold on to bitterness and sadness than it does to forgive.

She's never put a foot wrong with DD except last night her and my dad were both in the wrong for not changing DD.

I do want to move on from this and I can see this has triggered me massively due to my childhood and it may not be such a big deal to others that didn't go through what I did.

Take care OP, thank you for sharing this. You are a truly amazing compassionate person and I wish you all the happiness you deserve.
I'm also really pleased that your mum is in recovery and a lovely GP to your daughter

polyesterdress · 14/12/2024 19:58

polyesterdress · 14/12/2024 17:53

Wow. The posters trying to paint the OP as reasonable and suggesting she should be grateful they babysit for her have the most unbelievably low standards imaginable.

You are absolutely not over-reacting OP. It is completely unacceptable to let a baby go to sleep wet and covered in alcohol. I can't believe anyone is defending that. They don't babysit again.

Sorry that should say 'unreasonable' - the OP is NOT being unreasonable here.

Petrasings · 14/12/2024 19:59

GivingitToGod · 14/12/2024 19:55

Take care OP, thank you for sharing this. You are a truly amazing compassionate person and I wish you all the happiness you deserve.
I'm also really pleased that your mum is in recovery and a lovely GP to your daughter

Show quote history

This is gas lighting. She left a baby soaking wet all night in wine!! 😳

VacuumPacked · 14/12/2024 20:02

Tandora · 14/12/2024 19:24

The posters going on about OP offering her dad a glass of wine are being ridiculous. Jesus Christ how sanctimonious do you have to be!
Only on mumsnet would one glass of wine offered to a guest in your home invite such reproach. 🙄

they were not guests but grandparents commissioned to take care of their grandchild
help yourself does not necessarily translate to one glass
of course there is reproach

crackfoxy · 14/12/2024 20:03

Comedycook · 14/12/2024 14:23

I'd also be questioning why your father felt the need to have a drink...when he's babysitting a toddler and his wife is a recovering alcoholic

Yup me too. I honestly wouldn't have offered either

VacuumPacked · 14/12/2024 20:05

Zone2NorthLondon · 14/12/2024 19:19

but this isn’t about maintaining a routine, it’s clear cut, PJ got wet they need changed
This is not complicated, no judgement or convoluted routine to maintain

Show quote history

OP was your daughter in a soaked nappy too

thepariscrimefiles · 14/12/2024 20:05

namecnge1 · 14/12/2024 19:46

My relationship with my Dad is a little damaged because of what I was "allowed" to go through as a child, yes and I am angry at him too but some of you are right and I'm probably more angry at my Mum due to past issues which may be wrong due to it being my Dad's wine that was spilt on DD.

I will call my Mum tomorrow and try and smooth things over.

I've worked so hard all of my life in and out of counselling, therapy etc to try and undo some of the damage done to me as a child through my mum's addiction and I think smelling alcohol on my child tipped me over the edge. I remember being 7 or 8 and Mum falling asleep with a glass of wine in her hand in bed with a cigarette also whilst Dad was working a night shift and having to take the cigarette off of her and put it out in the ash tray before she set light to her bed covers and also smelling the spilt wine on her and the bed. I'd often not sleep at night scared she'd wake up drunk and light another cigarette and set fire to the house. So yes there is lots of trauma there for me still and I'll probably be working on it for the rest of my life.

I wanted different for my life, yes I had wild nights out with alcohol involved in my late teens and early 20s and then I got married and promised myself that any future children of mine would go to sleep knowing they are loved, comfortable, safe and never having to worry about me, that would be my job as their Mum. I was the parent as a child. It fills me with horror now thinking how my mum would drive me to school way over the limit every morning.

As part of my healing journey, I decided to forgive my parents when my Mum made a promise to be sober. She kept her word. We attended counselling together, it'll never give me my childhood back but she acknowledged the damage she caused and she was sorry and her actions since have proved that by staying sober, being very involved and excited during my pregnancy and when and since DD was born. Many probably wouldn't understand why I'd still have them in my life but it hurts me more to hold on to bitterness and sadness than it does to forgive.

She's never put a foot wrong with DD except last night her and my dad were both in the wrong for not changing DD.

I do want to move on from this and I can see this has triggered me massively due to my childhood and it may not be such a big deal to others that didn't go through what I did.

Leaving a baby in a babygro that is soaked through with red wine and putting her to bed like that is a big deal and your mum should have apologised immediately when you rang her to ask about this. It has obviously triggered difficult memories of your childhood and you are not at all unreasonable to be upset and to feel let down by both your parents.

Supergirl1958 · 14/12/2024 20:08

Comedycook · 14/12/2024 14:23

I'd also be questioning why your father felt the need to have a drink...when he's babysitting a toddler and his wife is a recovering alcoholic

Because she said that he could!

YoghurtPotWashingMachine · 14/12/2024 20:09

DandySnail · 14/12/2024 15:40

Calling children of alcoholics…. i’m not alone in thinking WTF in offering alcohol to a couple alone with your child when pne person in said couple is an alcoholic, you endured the shit show and seen firsthand how awful it is

Edited

Agreed

Original poster

namecnge1 · 14/12/2024 20:13

@YoghurtPotWashingMachine I offered my Dad a glass of wine at nearly 7pm ffs not a bottle. He's never had a problem with alcohol and my mum is sober so how was I in the wrong here? Like I said, they often go out socialising with their friends to pubs and restaurants where they all drink but my mum doesn't, it doesn't bother her.

My DH must be one shit parent then as he has a glass of wine most nights whilst watching tv in the evening.

OP posts:

Original poster

namecnge1 · 14/12/2024 20:14

Agreed @Tandora thank you. Heaven forbid I offer my adult father a glass of his favourite wine in my home.

OP posts:

YoghurtPotWashingMachine · 14/12/2024 20:18

namecnge1 · 14/12/2024 20:13

@YoghurtPotWashingMachine I offered my Dad a glass of wine at nearly 7pm ffs not a bottle. He's never had a problem with alcohol and my mum is sober so how was I in the wrong here? Like I said, they often go out socialising with their friends to pubs and restaurants where they all drink but my mum doesn't, it doesn't bother her.

My DH must be one shit parent then as he has a glass of wine most nights whilst watching tv in the evening.

@namecnge1 Having had an alcoholic parent, I wouldn't have had alcohol available or on show in my home. Your situation with your parents is your own, only you know what is appropriate.

Petrasings · 14/12/2024 20:18

This is not about a glass of wine.
Its about leaving a baby in a wet babygro covered in wine all night!

I don’t know what is wrong with MN tonight, but usually op you would have had a crescendo of consensus that this is neglect. The rest of the story is irrelevant.

Original poster

namecnge1 · 14/12/2024 20:20

Petrasings · 14/12/2024 20:18

This is not about a glass of wine.
Its about leaving a baby in a wet babygro covered in wine all night!

I don’t know what is wrong with MN tonight, but usually op you would have had a crescendo of consensus that this is neglect. The rest of the story is irrelevant.

Edited

Thank you!

Everyone is so focused on my dad having a glass of wine at my house but seems to be forgetting the reason I'm upset is because my child was left to go to bed wet with alcohol.

OP posts:

Zone2NorthLondon · 14/12/2024 20:21

VacuumPacked · 14/12/2024 20:05

OP was your daughter in a soaked nappy too

Show quote history

Do you understand the mn premise? The op posts a dilemma, or situation. Others reply
Only one child in wet PJ. CLUE the Op daughter!

SalmonAndHorseradish · 14/12/2024 20:21

Ignore some of the spiteful responses OP, you always get people projecting on threads like this; people who are bitter at not having any help with childcare so believe anyone who does has no right to complain under any circumstances, and people with uninvolved parents or whose parents have sadly passed away, who believe those with involved parents should be so grateful that they should accept all sorts of poor behaviour without complaint. The bar is so low it's a tavern in Hades.

Anyone would be annoyed if their child was put to bed wet, never mind stinking of alcohol and with their clothing and bedding stained. Yes, your parents were doing you a favour by babysitting but presumably they could have said no if they didn't feel capable. Favour or not, there is a basic level of care expected from anyone who agrees to babysit a child, and it includes not putting them to bed in wet clothes. Your parents are probably a bit embarrassed or ashamed, but instead of apologising, which you sound like you would have accepted, your DM has turned it round on you, calling you pathetic.

That's poor behaviour in anyone's book. I'd feel exactly the same as you and I have none of your history. YANBU.

Canonlythinkofthisone · 14/12/2024 20:23

You're getting an unreasonably hard time on here for some reason, maybe it's a full moon.
Ignore the alcohol and the back story. It's irrelevant.
Of course you don't put a child to sleep in wet clothes/sleeping bag/whatever.
If it has been urine, would you mumsnet nutters this evening be as accusing of the OP? Thought not.
OP, YANBU to be miffed, at all, ignore 80% of these comments.

SweetDreamsTonight · 14/12/2024 20:29

I would have been fuming because my ds has eczema and wet clothes on skin = rash also alcohol can't be good on a little ones skin anyway!
It's neglect you wouldn't go to bed in soaking wet clothes.. Shame on them.
I would not trust them again.

Petrasings · 14/12/2024 20:29

namecnge1 · 14/12/2024 20:20

Thank you!

Everyone is so focused on my dad having a glass of wine at my house but seems to be forgetting the reason I'm upset is because my child was left to go to bed wet with alcohol.

Show quote history

It’s ridiculous.
Of course offering your father a single glass of wine is not the issue here. Families up and down the country do this week in and week out. It sounds like your mother has recovered sufficiently to gain your family’s trust.

This development will come as a huge blow to your trust. It’s now not the alcohol to blame now, but just incompetence/indifference/ ignorance- you have realised the neglect is much more than just addiction.

Ofc you are triggered but your basic assumption of neglect is totally correct. I am sorry.