Page 11 | Daughter sent to bed in wet dirty pjs

namecnge1 · 2024-12-14T14:16:58+00:00

Name changed, regular user but potentially outing. I am absolutely fuming about this and I need somebody to either confirm that what I'm feeling is valid or whether it's not a big deal and to let it go. DH and I went out last night for 2 hours which covered DD (19 months old) bedtime. I gave her dinner and a bath and clean pjs then she normally plays with books or quiet toys for half hour before bed. My Mum & Dad came to ours to put her to bed and babysit until we got home. I told my Dad to help himself to a glass of wine (mum is a recovering alcoholic but doesn't mind others drinking in front of her, 3 years sober but u had an awful childhood due to her drinking and maybe this is why it's stirred up so much for me). When we got home, Dad told me that DD grabbed his wine glass and spilt a bit of red wine on her and said "oh no!" and we laughed about it. I assumed they'd changed her. I've got her out of bed this morning, her whole foot of babygrow is stained with red wine plus her whole arm, she stinks of alcohol and now her sleeping bag has red patches on it too (how I know they put her to bed with it wet on her as it's transferred). Clearly a very full glass of wine has split on her. I called my mum and asked why she wasn't changed? She's a baby covered in wine, her reply was that they didn't know where her pjs are. She's got a chest of drawers and a mini wardrobe, 5 drawers in her bedroom in total, 2 of them are full of clean pjs and babygrows. They weren't hard to find. I told her I'm livid and she told me I'm over reacting and it hasn't ended well. So my daughter has gone to bed, in wet pjs (not just water but wine ffs) stinks of alcohol to the point I had to bath her this morning because you could smell it on her skin and my Mum thinks that's okay? Please tell me if I'm in the wrong here.

CurbsideProphet · 15/12/2024 08:29

I'm quite surprised so many people think it's absolutely fine that a small child was put to bed in a babygrow that had red wine spilled on it. The smell must have been horrible. I wouldn't be rushing to ingratiate myself with my parents after this.

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 08:35

Mischance · 15/12/2024 08:12

Patching it up with her mum does not necessarily mean allowing her to look after the child if the OP is not happy with that, but the OP has invested a lot in conjunction with her mum in mending fences - it would be a huge shame to lose all that now over an incident in which her child came to no harm at all.

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What is wrong you?

Why the hell would any decent mother prioritise an abusive and neglectful parent over the needs of a tiny baby???

I can only imagine you are projecting on here for your own reasons.

Clearly ops parents are not fit to be in sole care, and regardless of the ‘patching up’ they are still shit parents and grandparents! OP’s only duty here is to her little dd, not her negligent mother!

Mischance · 15/12/2024 08:35

We are starting from the premise that the OP is OK with her mum looking after her DD - or the whole situation would not have arisen in the first place as the DD would not have been in her care. OP accepts that her mum is now a safe person for her child to be with. There are those of us who might find that a problematical decision, given the history, but the OP has decided the alcoholism is under control and it is OK and has left her child with her mum.

The issue is whether this one incident is enough to change all that. I am suggesting that it was not a serious enough incident to wipe out all the effort that has gone into mending fences with her mum, which is clearly something very important to her. The child came to no harm.

Only the OP and her partner can decide on this.

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 08:53

Mischance · 15/12/2024 08:35

We are starting from the premise that the OP is OK with her mum looking after her DD - or the whole situation would not have arisen in the first place as the DD would not have been in her care. OP accepts that her mum is now a safe person for her child to be with. There are those of us who might find that a problematical decision, given the history, but the OP has decided the alcoholism is under control and it is OK and has left her child with her mum.

The issue is whether this one incident is enough to change all that. I am suggesting that it was not a serious enough incident to wipe out all the effort that has gone into mending fences with her mum, which is clearly something very important to her. The child came to no harm.

Only the OP and her partner can decide on this.

Op WAS okay and now she clearly isn’t.

Putting a child to be bed soaking wet in red wine is obviously pure negligence! No one in their right mind would trust their parents again after that with such a tiny child.

The fact her mother proceeded to gas light her rather than profusely apologising. To acknowledge their mistakes.

It is devastating to be a child of abuse, so hard, and there is always a part of us that wants a happy loving family that are normal and healthy. Op has just been reminded that she will never have this. She can’t trust either parent. That is very sad.

The priority is the safety and well being of the baby, it starts and finishes with that.

Mischance · 15/12/2024 08:59

Op WAS okay and now she clearly isn’t. She is clearly thinking this through and trying to decide where she stands. That makes sense.

burntheleaves · 15/12/2024 09:06

@Thatcastlethere

Grandparents do quite odd things
Yes!! Done if them do. I've had conversations with friends who have had their parents do freaking weird stuff that left my friends wondering about their cognitive functions. I don't know what it is. It's like they can sort of lose their mind for a bit.
I know someone whose mother gave her then toddler a glass of some car fluid. Had to go to A&E etc. her response? I thought it was water 🫤

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 09:34

Mischance · 15/12/2024 08:59

Op WAS okay and now she clearly isn’t. She is clearly thinking this through and trying to decide where she stands. That makes sense.

Why are you so desperate for a small baby to be left with such irresponsible people?!

MsPavlichenko · 15/12/2024 09:55

namecnge1 · 14/12/2024 19:46

My relationship with my Dad is a little damaged because of what I was "allowed" to go through as a child, yes and I am angry at him too but some of you are right and I'm probably more angry at my Mum due to past issues which may be wrong due to it being my Dad's wine that was spilt on DD.

I will call my Mum tomorrow and try and smooth things over.

I've worked so hard all of my life in and out of counselling, therapy etc to try and undo some of the damage done to me as a child through my mum's addiction and I think smelling alcohol on my child tipped me over the edge. I remember being 7 or 8 and Mum falling asleep with a glass of wine in her hand in bed with a cigarette also whilst Dad was working a night shift and having to take the cigarette off of her and put it out in the ash tray before she set light to her bed covers and also smelling the spilt wine on her and the bed. I'd often not sleep at night scared she'd wake up drunk and light another cigarette and set fire to the house. So yes there is lots of trauma there for me still and I'll probably be working on it for the rest of my life.

I wanted different for my life, yes I had wild nights out with alcohol involved in my late teens and early 20s and then I got married and promised myself that any future children of mine would go to sleep knowing they are loved, comfortable, safe and never having to worry about me, that would be my job as their Mum. I was the parent as a child. It fills me with horror now thinking how my mum would drive me to school way over the limit every morning.

As part of my healing journey, I decided to forgive my parents when my Mum made a promise to be sober. She kept her word. We attended counselling together, it'll never give me my childhood back but she acknowledged the damage she caused and she was sorry and her actions since have proved that by staying sober, being very involved and excited during my pregnancy and when and since DD was born. Many probably wouldn't understand why I'd still have them in my life but it hurts me more to hold on to bitterness and sadness than it does to forgive.

She's never put a foot wrong with DD except last night her and my dad were both in the wrong for not changing DD.

I do want to move on from this and I can see this has triggered me massively due to my childhood and it may not be such a big deal to others that didn't go through what I did.

It’s not up to you to smooth over. I am glad your mum is in recovery, and that you have managed to reach some degree of forgiveness for what you were put through. But that notwithstanding what your parents did or didn’t do is shocking. A baby should be clean, warm and dry in their own bed. As was said previously, if there were no clean clothes, a wash/bath then wrapped in a clean sheet/towel would work.

You aren’t overreacting ( maybe you shouted, I don’t know ), you are under reacting in my opinion. Your desire for a normal relationship, your happiness in your mother being sober could be a factor in you tolerating this ? In my experience the dynamic of abusive relationships can continue even after other aspects change ( you live separately etc ). I’d be thinking about this, and considering counselling just for me on my expectations and boundaries. If the only one you have is your DM being sober, it’s a low bar.

Mischance · 15/12/2024 10:40

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 09:34

Why are you so desperate for a small baby to be left with such irresponsible people?!

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I am not - I am trying to inject some balance. There is a lot of talk of this as some sort of disastrous neglect - I do not agree. I want the OP to be able to make the decision that is right for her, balancing out everything rather than a knee-jerk reaction. She has put a lot of emotional work into her relationship with her mum. The child is unharmed.

Tandora · 15/12/2024 10:43

Mischance · 15/12/2024 10:40

I am not - I am trying to inject some balance. There is a lot of talk of this as some sort of disastrous neglect - I do not agree. I want the OP to be able to make the decision that is right for her, balancing out everything rather than a knee-jerk reaction. She has put a lot of emotional work into her relationship with her mum. The child is unharmed.

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👆🏻. this. I’m a bit shocked by the extent to which mumsnet will apparently go berserk over a wine stained baby grow. I think my parenting standards must be a little low 😬

Mischance · 15/12/2024 10:45

Tandora · 15/12/2024 10:43

👆🏻. this. I’m a bit shocked by the extent to which mumsnet will apparently go berserk over a wine stained baby grow. I think my parenting standards must be a little low 😬

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Well quite .........
It is not about low parenting standards, but about knowing what really matters.

CyanPeer · 15/12/2024 10:48

@Tandora @Mischance are you grandparents? Would you knowingly put your grandchildren to bed in the same clothing they had just spilled a glass of wine over? Or would you change them first?

I know neither of my parents would.

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 10:49

Mischance · 15/12/2024 10:40

I am not - I am trying to inject some balance. There is a lot of talk of this as some sort of disastrous neglect - I do not agree. I want the OP to be able to make the decision that is right for her, balancing out everything rather than a knee-jerk reaction. She has put a lot of emotional work into her relationship with her mum. The child is unharmed.

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Are you a mother to actual children? Or just getting kicks being a disruptor?

What kind of parents would put a baby to sleep soaked in red wine?

It is not harmless. It is neglectful and very, very poor parenting at best. Any social worker assessing this situation would then automatically start looking for other ways this baby is not being well cared for. You could argue it was negligent even on the basis of glass being so close to her in the first place.

Your standards are rock bottom if you think this is okay. It’s definitely not okay.

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 10:52

How many times have you slept in wine soaked nightwear all night. I am baffled as to how anyone can view this as acceptable. It is not.

Tandora · 15/12/2024 10:53

CyanPeer · 15/12/2024 10:48

@Tandora @Mischance are you grandparents? Would you knowingly put your grandchildren to bed in the same clothing they had just spilled a glass of wine over? Or would you change them first?

I know neither of my parents would.

Edited

I’m not a grandparent, no.
Obviously it would have been better/ cleaner if they had changed her. They should have called and asked where clean clothes were. I just don’t think it’s the biggest deal in the world . I just am continually amazed at the extent to which people are so intent on flipping out at extended family members (particularly GPs) over the smallest things.

CyanPeer · 15/12/2024 11:16

Tandora · 15/12/2024 10:53

I’m not a grandparent, no.
Obviously it would have been better/ cleaner if they had changed her. They should have called and asked where clean clothes were. I just don’t think it’s the biggest deal in the world . I just am continually amazed at the extent to which people are so intent on flipping out at extended family members (particularly GPs) over the smallest things.

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Something doesn't have to be 'the biggest deal in the world' for it to be unacceptable, especially when it comes to children.

Yes there are examples on MN of parents going overboard but I don't think this is one.

I am a pretty relaxed parent and understand that grandparents may do things differently, but if my parents knowingly put my son to bed in wet clothes (especially if that liquid contained alcohol) I would seriously question their judgement/ability to take care of him responsibily.

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 17:58

CyanPeer · 15/12/2024 11:16

Something doesn't have to be 'the biggest deal in the world' for it to be unacceptable, especially when it comes to children.

Yes there are examples on MN of parents going overboard but I don't think this is one.

I am a pretty relaxed parent and understand that grandparents may do things differently, but if my parents knowingly put my son to bed in wet clothes (especially if that liquid contained alcohol) I would seriously question their judgement/ability to take care of him responsibily.

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Exactly this. There are many ‘worse’ things but it’s not a race to the bottom. Most parents expect their babies not to be put to bed in wine soaked clothes! I cant believe we are even having this conversation! Seriously it is disturbing the number of parents that think it’s okay.

Mischance · 15/12/2024 18:19

"Wine soaked nightwear" - it was a part of one glass! I do not think catastrophising helps.

No social worker would give a second thought to this minor and isolated incident.

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 18:36

Mischance · 15/12/2024 18:19

"Wine soaked nightwear" - it was a part of one glass! I do not think catastrophising helps.

No social worker would give a second thought to this minor and isolated incident.

It was even soaked through to the sleeping bag - so clearly much more than a splatter!

And yes a SW would take an interest because it indicates neglect and a lack of judgement. I would be very concerned that the gps are simply not up to the job. Sadly.

The baby is the priority here, not the grandparents!

Are you the grandmother by any chance?!

thepariscrimefiles · 15/12/2024 19:32

Tandora · 15/12/2024 10:53

I’m not a grandparent, no.
Obviously it would have been better/ cleaner if they had changed her. They should have called and asked where clean clothes were. I just don’t think it’s the biggest deal in the world . I just am continually amazed at the extent to which people are so intent on flipping out at extended family members (particularly GPs) over the smallest things.

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OP wrote the following about what it was like for her growing up with her alcoholic mother:

'I remember being 7 or 8 and Mum falling asleep with a glass of wine in her hand in bed with a cigarette also whilst Dad was working a night shift and having to take the cigarette off of her and put it out in the ash tray before she set light to her bed covers and also smelling the spilt wine on her and the bed. I'd often not sleep at night scared she'd wake up drunk and light another cigarette and set fire to the house. So yes there is lots of trauma there for me still and I'll probably be working on it for the rest of my life.'

OP's mum should be bending over backwards to right the wrongs of OP's childhood and prove that she is a safe and capable grandmother. Anyone with childhood experiences like the OP's has every right to 'flip out' at the slightest sign of neglect and poor decision making by her parents when caring for her child.

TheGrinchIsComingToTown · 15/12/2024 19:38

Mischance · 15/12/2024 18:19

"Wine soaked nightwear" - it was a part of one glass! I do not think catastrophising helps.

No social worker would give a second thought to this minor and isolated incident.

So if you splashed something on yourself and got enough on your pyjamas for it to stain your duvet, you wouldn't get changed?

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 19:48

I am absolutely judging anyone that puts a baby to bed all night in wet clothes, doubly so if it happens to be alcohol!!!!

WTF!
I am comforting myself that pp are just simply posting as a wind up and don’t actually leave little tots in wine soaked baby-grows like something out of bloody trainspotting! 🙈

SnoopySantaPaws · 15/12/2024 22:34

Psychologymam · 14/12/2024 15:12

so they never babysit again, that’s it. This was a topic a while ago when overwhelming everyone was saying oh it’s fine to drink and babysit… but it does impact decision making as you can see here.

Don't be dramatic. There was A glass of wine, most of that ended up on the baby& the floor. He's a bit okder so maybe didn't react as quickly as the OP or one of us might to prevent the baby knocking it in his hand, but meh, accidents happen. It has nothing to do with the alcohol having been drunk!

SnoopySantaPaws · 15/12/2024 22:38

TheBiggestMuffInCheshire · 14/12/2024 15:13

Actually the cup of tea could have been much much worse.

I suspect that you have genuinely been triggered because of your history of growing up in an alcoholic home.

I totally get your annoyance but ultimately no harm was done. Next time pay a babysitter and don't put your mum in the vicinity of alcohol.

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don't put your mum in the vicinity of alcohol

FFS Her Mum isn't bothered by it.

her Mum didn't have any of the wine.

Tandora · 15/12/2024 23:15

thepariscrimefiles · 15/12/2024 19:32

OP wrote the following about what it was like for her growing up with her alcoholic mother:

'I remember being 7 or 8 and Mum falling asleep with a glass of wine in her hand in bed with a cigarette also whilst Dad was working a night shift and having to take the cigarette off of her and put it out in the ash tray before she set light to her bed covers and also smelling the spilt wine on her and the bed. I'd often not sleep at night scared she'd wake up drunk and light another cigarette and set fire to the house. So yes there is lots of trauma there for me still and I'll probably be working on it for the rest of my life.'

OP's mum should be bending over backwards to right the wrongs of OP's childhood and prove that she is a safe and capable grandmother. Anyone with childhood experiences like the OP's has every right to 'flip out' at the slightest sign of neglect and poor decision making by her parents when caring for her child.

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Yes I see the situation is really triggering for OP because of deep childhood wounds (although tbf it was her father who drank and spilt the wine, so really it’s not her sober mum who should be getting all the heat here). I do have sympathy for OP, and it sounds like she’s recognised she might be overreacting a bit because of her traumatic past.

My comment was more about the other posters on this thread who are acting like it’s the most horrifying thing in the world to send a child to bed in stained pjs!