Being made to feel bad because I can't go to after work drinks or Christmas parties at the moment

[twokittlepumpkins]

I have a new job and couldn't make the Christmas party and it's been pointed out how it's really important to make social occasions.

I'm barely keeping things together as it is- now I am going to be made to feel bad for not being able to go to the party ?

I only have so much energy in a day and I need my sleep to function - I have to sleep by 9 pm if I want to be able to get up at 6 to do the school run and then get to work.

I suffer from a chronic illness which causes fatigue ( MS ) work don't know and I don't want to say.

I also have two kids, 2 and 5. Just the fact that I'm working my arse off at this new job, I am working harder than I've probably ever worked in my life. I am working full time and 3 days in the office. I'm chatting to everyone and putting myself out there when I'm there. There aren't any working parents in my particular role / team. I just don't think they get it at all. The MD has now asked on three separate occasions if I am going to the party and then if I went. Each time he made me feel rubbish about it. Raising his eyebrow and pointing out how important it is to make these events.

I just feel like he has no idea how hard this is, otherwise he would show some understanding. I made it clear that I love socials but having a Christmas lunch would be more appropriate for me at the moment. I had only a week or so notice of the party and couldn't find anyone to pick up the slack the next day- which is what would have been required.

My husband can't just take a day off work because I'm too tired to get up from the Christmas party. He also would have needed more notice.

I'm super sociable and actually love social stuff with colleagues but this just wasn't possible this time. I'll try and plan it next time but I'm sick and tired of being made to feel bad about this.

I can not come to after work drinks often as I need to pick up my kids. Surely it's more important that I'm able to function the next day to do my job? Where's the understanding of people's circumstances?

If anyone asks again just reply ' As much as I'd love to come I'm afraid I can't make it this time, maybe next time' You don't need to explain why but if pushed just tell them it's too short notice to get a babysitter.
I think it'd be a good idea to disclose your health issues with your boss going forward.

I think if you want them to understand but you don’t want to tell them so that they can understand then you’re stuck in that loop on repeat. People can’t understand what they don’t know, but I do know what others are saying in suggesting it may be risky to disclose depending on the employer.

Realistically though they can let you go anytime in the next 2 years for any reason or no reason, even after probation, so unless you’re going to keep it to yourself for after 2 years you are no better off telling them in 12 months than in 12 hours. A good employer will be understanding and adjustments can then be made if needed.

If you don't wanna go, just have the guts to say I don't wanna go or come up with some sort of reasonable excuse.

I'm very sociable and I love a Christmas party and I enjoyed our recent one but if you don't then just say.

It was mid week? WhatTime? How far away. You could've driven over for an hour, had an alcohol free gin and tonic and driven home, and been tucked up in bed by 9pm, if you'd chosen to. But you didn't want to. So atleast own it.

And yes, I'm permanently tried, T1 diabetic, who sleeps a lot (for England) , but I could've managed a quick drink. If I'd have wanted to.

I'm super sociable and actually love social stuff with colleagues but this just wasn't possible this time. I'll try and plan it next time but I'm sick and tired of being made to feel bad about this.

Given this, I would go completely on the offensive here. Don't necessarily mention the MS (or do that separately). Either by email or in a 1-1, something like "I'm really glad to have been included in the invitation to the Christmas event, it's made me feel so welcome that people wanted me there even though I'm new. I love a sociable workplace! Is there anything else coming up, so that I can make sure I have planned around it? I don't want to miss out again!"

They want to know that you're going to join in their events, so reassure them that you are!
(Assuming that you think you'll be able to- don't do this unless you're pretty sure. But your OP sounded positive about social events in general so I'm going off that 😊)

This is a bit harsh isn't it..

I didn't just not want to go. It was too much.

The commute is at least an hour and they also wanted everyone in office that day and to travel from the office to the venue was another half an hour. It was a sit down meal, so not sure how I could have gone just for one drink. Even if I hadn't stayed late, the whole thing would have been exhausting. I wouldn't have been in bed by 9 for sure and I need my sleep. Especially as the week prior I had to go in a business trip as well. I was run down already.

I'd be pointing out to the MD that you have children and a disability. My brain also wants to say:

"Is there a problem with my work quality? No? Then how I spend my time outside of work is absolutely none of your business. I don't recall attending unpaid out of hours events being part of my Contract. And whilst you may have a nanny and housekeeper, I have two small children and a disability that means I'm currently unable to attend work events. Do you have a problem with that? No? Good."

What you could say:
"Regrettably I'm unable to attend social events currently due to family commitments and my disability. Hopefully this will be a possibility in the future but unfortunately it's just not going to be possible at the moment. I'm sure you can understand that."

Nailed it.

@TunnocksOrDeath would you say this directly to the MD or to HR or both?

Depends how easy it is to get hold of HR. If you have a named HR contact, then I'd probably set it all out in an email and put MD and HR in the 'to' line, so they both know that the other one has seen it. I actually wouldn't mention the childcare though. A lot of people have kids and still make it to work socials. The health condition is the relevant bit, and it's probably best not to muddy the water.

Then maybe the line manager is the person to follow up with.

You have two separate issues:

• the expectation that staff attend evening drinking socials. This is outdated and shows a lack thinking beyond "what do the boys want". The norm is a range of events which bring people together at different times of day, different types of event with notice for those needing to make family arrangements. I would pick this up first with the line manager - a question about types of social events as you enjoy them but find lunches or end-of-afternoon teas more accessible

• the MS. If you can do the basic job itself without impact then I can see why would wouldn't rush to flag this up. Its all very well saying you would have disability protection but the reality is that some firms are much better at handling this than others. I can understand why you are nervous about announcing it to a company who are so backward in their attitude to staff get togethers - it doesn't inspire confidence in their ability to support a diverse workforce. How big is the company and do they have decent HR processes in place?

i think your email is perfect. I would just say “a disability (multiple sclerosis)” just in case they don’t realise what MS is, ie a disability. Or confuse it with ME like a poster on this thread!
id send it to the CEO then forward to HR just as an FYI

Follow your gut on disclosing MS or not but don't do it because of the Christmas party. You don't want to make it sound like you are disclosing it because you want to adjust their expectations for your job. This seems very unfair that you are being pushed into this because you are not going to the Christmas party.

I don't go to anything outside of office hours (team activities, Christmas parties, team dinners, etc). I don't do it because I am not going to miss out on time with my kids to spend time with my colleagues who I already see most of the day anyway. If the director or VP asked if I am coming, I say something vague like I will try. On the day no one really notices who didn't show up. My manager would already know I am not coming.

Exactly.

Needing your sleep before work the next day is an adequate reason in my view!

It's all very well having social events in the evening, but if you are expected to work as normal the next day - even without a health condition - it just doesn't work.

I also need to bear in mind that my DH gets up at 5.30am for work so doesn't want to collect me from a railway station at midnight.

There are loads of reasons why people don't want to socialise at night.

I wasn’t aware you needed a medical condition to get out of a work social 😂

Hi OP I have a protected breathing condition. It’s far better to tell them ! At the moment you are worrying because it’s your probationary period … in fact you are massively shooting yourself in the foot because they will just think you aren’t a team player instead! Tell the truth and you will get understanding treatment, allowances will be made for needing full rest. MS is a protected condition, being seen as stand off ish in a company that values the social side isn’t! They may even see your work less favourably if you don’t ’fit In’ so I think you are missing the point. Being a mum with kids won’t get sympathy sadly because they know you have a husband who could provide the childcare that night. If they knew you had MS I’m pretty sure you will get a lot more rope. No one likes admitting illness or weakness, I don’t, but hiding it is more stressful trust me. It’s your right not to say but my advice would be not to follow that path. Listen to the other posters on here. It will come out at some point perhaps (if you are taken ill perhaps) so I would start as you mean to go on. MS isn’t a crime and most colleagues will know at least one person with the condition. Be brave, confide on them and the (understandable) paranoia will stop .