Being made to feel bad because I can't go to after work drinks or Christmas parties at the moment

[twokittlepumpkins]

I have a new job and couldn't make the Christmas party and it's been pointed out how it's really important to make social occasions.

I'm barely keeping things together as it is- now I am going to be made to feel bad for not being able to go to the party ?

I only have so much energy in a day and I need my sleep to function - I have to sleep by 9 pm if I want to be able to get up at 6 to do the school run and then get to work.

I suffer from a chronic illness which causes fatigue ( MS ) work don't know and I don't want to say.

I also have two kids, 2 and 5. Just the fact that I'm working my arse off at this new job, I am working harder than I've probably ever worked in my life. I am working full time and 3 days in the office. I'm chatting to everyone and putting myself out there when I'm there. There aren't any working parents in my particular role / team. I just don't think they get it at all. The MD has now asked on three separate occasions if I am going to the party and then if I went. Each time he made me feel rubbish about it. Raising his eyebrow and pointing out how important it is to make these events.

I just feel like he has no idea how hard this is, otherwise he would show some understanding. I made it clear that I love socials but having a Christmas lunch would be more appropriate for me at the moment. I had only a week or so notice of the party and couldn't find anyone to pick up the slack the next day- which is what would have been required.

My husband can't just take a day off work because I'm too tired to get up from the Christmas party. He also would have needed more notice.

I'm super sociable and actually love social stuff with colleagues but this just wasn't possible this time. I'll try and plan it next time but I'm sick and tired of being made to feel bad about this.

I can not come to after work drinks often as I need to pick up my kids. Surely it's more important that I'm able to function the next day to do my job? Where's the understanding of people's circumstances?

She's indicated that she's a sociable person and without her health issues and childcare commitments she might be happy to. Why are you assuming she wouldn't want to go if her circumstances were different? And I stand by the fact that disclosure of her disability would protect her.

All the MORE reason to make your MS known to them.

Otherwise if you’re asking for consideration for child caring issues (Can’t make the social, no childcare etc) then they’ll blame it on your parental status.

But if you inform them of the MS they HAVE to treat you with reasonable adjustments with that in mind.

Get it over with and tell them now. Frame it as ‘I’ve noticed the social side of work seems really important to the culture here, which is great as I’m a really sociable person and I’m enjoying getting to know everyone. But not being able to make this year’s Christmas party in the evening has highlighted to me that I do need to disclose to you that I have MS, and that was part of my reason to not be able to make the evening socials at short notice having just started. I manage my condition really well and part of that is that I’m very careful to monitor my energy levels and get enough rest. Obviously a new role, childcare and not much notice is a tricky combination this year. Once I’m more established it’s less likely to be an issue, but I did want you to be aware of my condition.’

@NoSquirrels great post.

I always wonder what these jobs are that almost seem to require attendance at things like after work drinks. Just why? The last thing I'd want to do after a long day of work is go spend my hard-earned money socialising with the people I'd just spent all day working with (and probably feeling annoyed with, sometimes). My free time is precious, and I'd very strongly resent being made to sacrifice it on a regular basis, entirely aside from childcare issues or fatigue related to an illness.

Nicely balanced message @NoSquirrels

Just say I can't make it, sorry. Smile politely and then change the topic.

It's none of their business even if you didn't have children.

Have a close relative , head of dept in a large world wide co. told me recently he never goes to office parties. You do not have to go whether you are sick etc or not.

I imagine he's not in the early stages of his employment though.

YANBU

But

I would make HR aware of your condition as you may need reasonable adjustments in future. I've found that being upfront early on can make things easier in the long-term, especially if you're needing adjusted hours / WFH / etc.
Remember that disabilities are protected characteristics.

Yeah you're all convincing me that I should disclose

I disclosed to one company in the past and it never had any bad effects.

I didn't disclose to my last company, but that was completely remote.

I really don't want to be crass, but did you mean it when you said you had MS? Only of course it does a lot more than simply causing fatigue. Did you mean ME? It still entirely justifies your reluctance, but it may make a difference in terms of your employers' reaction.

Eh no. It's MS.

It isn't though, in many many offices.

Can I get some advice on whether it's actually the right thing to tell them about the MS ? Or should I start another thread?

twokittlepumpkins

I am really sorry your work are being so ridiculous about this. My work place had a daytime Christmas meal which was paid for and happened during work hours where we were effectively paid to attend. If a company really wants people to join in, they need to do this. My work place also had a drinks after the party, which I chose not to attend.

I am in two minds about whether you tell them your medical situation or not. In one sense it may make it easier for your colleagues/boss to understand your situation but also, why should you have to attend!

If they really want you to socialize, with work colleagues, for work, they should pay for this to happen during working hours.

Yanbu. Reasonable companies now hold their Xmas events at lunch/afternoon so parents can attend without scrabbling for childcare.

You can disclose details only to HR and then they should have the nécessary conversations with management about inclusivity. I’m sick of constantly needing to point out why I can’t attend evening évents and multi day conférences as a lone parent. Each time I feel like pointing out that the child hasn’t disppeared since the last event!

It's you telling them that triggers their duty to make reasonable adjustments.

You only have to tell HR if you like.

But until they know they don't have to make accommodations for you.

I felt so nervous telling my work. Then it turned out several people in management also had chronic conditions and they have been brilliant about it all

They can't lawfully demand you attend a workplace do. I think you should talk to ACAS. You don't need to disclose disability for this situation because you don't need to ask for a reasonable adjustment in this situation.

Talk to ACAS
0300 123 1100
www.acas.org.uk/contact

Same thing happened with me,I started 9 months ago,the event is just not my thing,I was asked multiple times a day for months,I actually wanted to quit over it.

I'd say yes, its best to tell them, if you are happy with people knowing in general. I was working here when I got diagnosed, so they've always known. But I am OK with people knowing in any case. If you are in a medium-big company, you likely won't be the only person which a chronic condition.

There is nothing simple about MS fatigue.
And it can be your only symptom.

Don't try to reduce the OPs experience because it doesn't match what you expect.

There’s a possible argument for making her employer aware for future reference. But to suggest that not expecting her to attend an after work Christmas piss-up is a reasonable adjustment is ridiculous. As is saying that not attending should be down to a chronic condition which employers should be aware of. . Anyone has the right to turn down the Christmas drinks which are happening outside of work time without reason or explanation. It’s an after work event. People enjoy going to these things but there are equal amounts of people who feel that they have no inclination to go out and socialise with a load of people they are obligated to work with all day.

We need to step away from this notion that your employer should be able to have expectations that you will attend events outside of work hours, and that not doing so will put you at a disadvantage.

Yanbu to not want to, or be able to go. But to some companies, these events really matter, and people who don't go are looked at differently. Some may say that's wrong, but it's just a culture thing, isn't it? My firm is big on being sociable, and getting involved in as much as possible has done me really well so far. There are others who don't, and they're definitely looked at differently.

This is of course completely aside from your disability. You really need to disclose so that you are protected from discrimination, otherwise you could quickly find yourself out for not 'being a team player', or 'not getting the culture'. You would have absolutely no recourse in this situation if you haven't disclosed your disability.

OP, contact ACAS for advice.