Being made to feel bad because I can't go to after work drinks or Christmas parties at the moment

[twokittlepumpkins]

I have a new job and couldn't make the Christmas party and it's been pointed out how it's really important to make social occasions.

I'm barely keeping things together as it is- now I am going to be made to feel bad for not being able to go to the party ?

I only have so much energy in a day and I need my sleep to function - I have to sleep by 9 pm if I want to be able to get up at 6 to do the school run and then get to work.

I suffer from a chronic illness which causes fatigue ( MS ) work don't know and I don't want to say.

I also have two kids, 2 and 5. Just the fact that I'm working my arse off at this new job, I am working harder than I've probably ever worked in my life. I am working full time and 3 days in the office. I'm chatting to everyone and putting myself out there when I'm there. There aren't any working parents in my particular role / team. I just don't think they get it at all. The MD has now asked on three separate occasions if I am going to the party and then if I went. Each time he made me feel rubbish about it. Raising his eyebrow and pointing out how important it is to make these events.

I just feel like he has no idea how hard this is, otherwise he would show some understanding. I made it clear that I love socials but having a Christmas lunch would be more appropriate for me at the moment. I had only a week or so notice of the party and couldn't find anyone to pick up the slack the next day- which is what would have been required.

My husband can't just take a day off work because I'm too tired to get up from the Christmas party. He also would have needed more notice.

I'm super sociable and actually love social stuff with colleagues but this just wasn't possible this time. I'll try and plan it next time but I'm sick and tired of being made to feel bad about this.

I can not come to after work drinks often as I need to pick up my kids. Surely it's more important that I'm able to function the next day to do my job? Where's the understanding of people's circumstances?

You're going to have to tell them to protect yourself or they're going to fail your probation for not being 'a team player'.

It's fucking shit but people who act like this about social occasions make out it's incredibly important for 'team cohesion'.

I would start another thread about disclosing/ not disclosing events.
on the party thing- as you had a short notice and you have 2 under 5s it’s absolutely normal that you couldn’t just magic out childcare especially at pre Christmas period. So I would stick to this normal reason as an excuse.
Unfortunately it is a problem of you being the only woman with small children, sit tight, it might change very quickly.

You need to tell them about your medical condition so that they can make allowances/reasonable adjustments. I do agree though that no one should feel obliged to go to work socials.

Speak to HR, they can’t get rid because they think you can’t do the job, that’s discrimination. You have perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to go, illness or not, and shouldn’t be penalised for that. Hopefully your HR team can reassure you so you won’t feel so bad

Office party/drinks aside. Where is your husband in all of this? You are working full time, he is working full time, and yet you are fully responsible for everything else outside of work. Can he at least start doing the school run in the mornings? This is not right. It’s like you are a single parent in all of this.

I would tell them you have MS. I've got it as well, and it's better that work colleagues do know.

Yeah you think ? I have told one employer in the past and it didn't seem to affect anything at all.

I think it helps people understand when you can't do things. My colleagues have always been very supportive when it's causing an issue. Though my flare ups are usually pretty obvious as I can't walk well.

You are protected immediately not just after probation. When you're not protected is when you don't disclose.

And don't misinterpret my post just because you want to be aggressive.

You asked if the OP meant it when she said she has MS due to the symptoms she listed.

Which reads like she can't have MS if she is just fatigued, so she must have something else like ME.

Why would you think she was wrong? Surely she knows what she has?

Someone questioning a diagnosis because it doesn't match what they expect for MS, makes people reluctant to disclose.

If I have misunderstood what you meant, I apologise.

How can your boss be understanding when you are hiding a HUGE piece of information from him? Perhaps if he knew you had MS he would be a bit more understanding, the oh i have to pick the kids up wont cut it. If you want him to be understanding of your situation he and anyone else you expect it from, should know the full story x

Yanbu. I've never gone since I've had dc's. Too busy, don't drink, one child couldn't cope with anyone but me doing bedtime and IBS always flares when I eat late.

I think you should tell your boss about your illness. They may get it that your tired, can you not do an hour at the doo to show your face.

This is tricky territory. In some workplaces (including mine) there is a strong understanding that you will attend a reasonable number of after work events. People understand that sometimes it does not work out, but to miss everything would not be acceptable.

It is really hard when you are the one who has the role of picking up the kids every day and doing the school run. I think there is a compromise to be had. Surely there is some basic help you can get to pick the kids up on the odd day? So could your husband take a half day off and do the school run? Or a local child minder looking for extra hours?

I would be saying to work "I can't attend these ones, but if I have a week's notice I can sort someone to collect the kids" - that way you are signalling you have kids, and also that it is not so easy as clicking your fingers, but also showing willing. I really don't like the idea of just refusing to go though. Especially if you are on probation.

ME is A LOT more than fatigue too. It affects the whole body in so many ways.

Alright so how am I going to do it then ? Go straight to the horses mouth so to speak and completely come clean about it like:

I am really enjoying my time at the company so far and I'm really keen to progress and make an impact. I noticed you didn't seem very impressed that I couldn't make it to the Christmas party and I want to start off saying that I am a very sociable person and actually love a good party, but that on this occasion I wasn't able to find anyone who would drop off my kids at school in the morning and I would simply be too tired to treck home from the Christmas party and then need to get up at 6 to take my kids to school because I suffer from MS. At the moment it's very controlled, but I need to not bite for more than I can chew and I'm already pretty busy. I have to prioritise work and rest. I hope you understand that I wish I could have been there and will make every effort to join in with other celebrations, for which I need more support around childcare. This normally isn't an issue but it was on this occasion. '

Something like that ?

Far too long. You just need to notify them that you have MS, it’s well controlled, you enjoy office socialising normally but in this instance you were not able to get childcare. That’s all that needs to be said.

@Mirabai don't you think the actual person I want to know, will never know and just think I didn't go because I couldn't be bothered ?

Not if you tell them you didn’t go as you couldn’t get childcare.

The arrangements you would have needed to make in order to get to the party are not reasonable regardless of whether you have MS or not.

The problem is the culture in your workplace, they cannot demand you go to social events (or work overtime) and you don't have to explain yourself;
You might have a disability. You might have caring responsibilities. You might be in receipt of tax credits. You might have a medical appointment. The reason is irrelevant.

I'd probably say something like "I would love to come but I'm afraid it's just not physically possible."

Are they all very young? Even without MS, they should understand that working parents can't drop everything to go to a party!

I would notify HR and your line manager formally.

And then I would informally explain to the MD next time he brings it up. "Look, I didn't say anything before but I have MS. It's well managed but I have to prioritise so that I continue to deliver at work and manage at home - so this just hasn't been possible for me this time. I really hope I will be able to make it another time!"

I have after work commitments should cover it. “Caring for dependents” if they push.

No don’t send this. First you are mentioning about picking up the kids before you mention your condition, which is the point of your message.

I would do it face to face (or at least on a video call) and not email, follow up with email absolutely but better to have a conversation

Something like “boss, I know there were a few questions around my lack of attendance at the party. One thing I think I need to make you aware of is I suffer from MS. It does not affect me on a day to day basis in relation to how well I can do my job, but it does result in fatigue at times and right now I wanted to make sure I had enough energy to focus on the work while I get up to speed with everything that is new here. Once I am more settled in the role then I look forward to getting to know the team better in a social setting”

You don’t mention, unless I have missed it, what role or seniority you are. But if you are in a leadership role then there tends to be expectations of “showing your face” at events such as this. But that shouldn’t be at the detriment of your health. However if they don’t know you have genuine reasons, then it is possible that they would think that you just can’t be bothered which is not a great early impression in a new role