Being made to feel bad because I can't go to after work drinks or Christmas parties at the moment

[twokittlepumpkins]

I have a new job and couldn't make the Christmas party and it's been pointed out how it's really important to make social occasions.

I'm barely keeping things together as it is- now I am going to be made to feel bad for not being able to go to the party ?

I only have so much energy in a day and I need my sleep to function - I have to sleep by 9 pm if I want to be able to get up at 6 to do the school run and then get to work.

I suffer from a chronic illness which causes fatigue ( MS ) work don't know and I don't want to say.

I also have two kids, 2 and 5. Just the fact that I'm working my arse off at this new job, I am working harder than I've probably ever worked in my life. I am working full time and 3 days in the office. I'm chatting to everyone and putting myself out there when I'm there. There aren't any working parents in my particular role / team. I just don't think they get it at all. The MD has now asked on three separate occasions if I am going to the party and then if I went. Each time he made me feel rubbish about it. Raising his eyebrow and pointing out how important it is to make these events.

I just feel like he has no idea how hard this is, otherwise he would show some understanding. I made it clear that I love socials but having a Christmas lunch would be more appropriate for me at the moment. I had only a week or so notice of the party and couldn't find anyone to pick up the slack the next day- which is what would have been required.

My husband can't just take a day off work because I'm too tired to get up from the Christmas party. He also would have needed more notice.

I'm super sociable and actually love social stuff with colleagues but this just wasn't possible this time. I'll try and plan it next time but I'm sick and tired of being made to feel bad about this.

I can not come to after work drinks often as I need to pick up my kids. Surely it's more important that I'm able to function the next day to do my job? Where's the understanding of people's circumstances?

I think that's an important point. If at any point she needs sick leave due to her condition it should then be recorded as disability related absence and wouldn't form part of any sickness management procedures.

This. If your condition worsens over time OP, you will need your employers support. It is in your own interest to disclose something like having MS.

Is the social entertaining part of the job. Eg like corporate law when rustling up work via dinners and similar is part of the job requirement.

Or is this just a Christmas party with an expectation that everyone attends.

You can either disclose your condition and thus explain and also get the legal protection of reasonable adjustments.

Or not, it is up to you.

But then you will have to put up with the pointed comments about not attending

YANBU

I used to be made to feel guilty over not being able to attend things and people couldn’t grasp that I had zero childcare.

I could sometimes pay a babysitter but there’s no way I could have afforded a babysitter and meal/drinks out on top of the normal Christmas presents and food.
It’s an already expensive time.

Some people are so closed minded that they can’t grasp that people do not have the same lives as them.

I would just tell them that you’ve already got an event on that evening and you’ll join next year instead.

The MD evidently considers it important so the issue isn't going to go away unless he's informed.

There are no women with kids doing my role. Except for pointing out any limitations posed by childcare I think that's neither here nor there.

Were you told at your interview that you would be required to attend after work events, parties etc. or was it in your contract.
These are social events, not training or work related I assume.

If they didn't indicate how many of these there would be - it sounds like you have a very good excuse to say that you would like to atttend some in the future but given that you have only just started in the job, they didn't specifically tell you that it was "required" and this is the first you've heard of them, you'd really appreciate if they could give you more notice as you need to make arrangements.

If you are doing your job they shouldn't be holding these add ons against you.
Do you have a union?

What a very rude and unpleasant thing to say about co-workers!

That same MD will not be paying you if you stay home with a child care issue

but will expect you to come to an out of hours work event unpaid

its double standards

he probably doesn't and never has sorted the childcare either

Do you have an HR department?

OP - as someone who has AI this is completely unsustainable. You can’t keep pretending. If they knew they would back off. If they don’t know you will end up with a relapse or a breakdown. If you don’t tell them until you’re off probation they may feel somewhat betrayed. It’s better all round to be honest about health.

I’m torn TBH, most people with young kids do manage the Christmas do and you’ve not told them about your health condition. In most places where I’ve worked the Christmas party is a bit of a three line whip. Also if you want to get on in a company you need to try to gauge the unspoken culture regardless of your contract.

In your position I think I would wait out your probation and then have a chat with your boss. I’d also get myself on the social committee and plan something which does work for me to get some brownie points.

Here's a few counter points.

They will be seeing it as an ideal way to help you integrate better with the team so it is a shame if you can't come. You can't, that's totally fine, but that doesn't stop it being a shame.

It's also the sort of thing everyone asks each other without it really meaning anything (it's easy conversation), so you forget who you've already asked. I wouldn't mind betting the boss has asked everyone else several times over too just to try and create a bit of positive energy around the occasion.

Some work cultures are more social than others and some people value this more than others. Not getting involved in any drinks etc is fine but they're just trying to include you at this stage - after a while they will stop bothering to ask if it's always a no. At the moment your need for recovery time is not known to them so they understandably don't get why you aren't more keen to be involved.

Are you still in your probationary period, OP? If so then just get through it, however you can.

After that, you're protected by legislation. I too have MS. I told the boss and my manager but it's not to be shared. I've never needed to use it for getting out of social things but I wouldn't hesitate if I needed to.

Hope you have a good MS team and are on the medication you need.

You have this all back to front OP. Your probationary period will be irrelevant if you tell them about your MS and they sack you due to something related to it. It’s a day one protection.

It would be very much to your advantage to share this information.

Exactly this.

Ridiculous to say they should be understanding yet you haven’t told them about your MS.

Most people are able to go out for a work Xmas do/drinks even when they have kids.

If you don’t tell them, they can legitimately let you go at any point in the first two years, for any non discriminatory reason.

Not a team player is used quite often.

Protect yourself by informing them about the MS.

Won't they just think ' oh great.. she's going to be an issue ' ? I'll feel even more like I need to prove I can do it

”I don’t want to” is sufficient reason not to go.

It’s outside of work hours, she’s not being paid, and the truth is that most people don’t want to go to these events anyway they do so because there’s an element of expectation which there shouldn’t be.

My mum never went to these events. Neither did she contribute to secret Santa. And after she stopped doing so the number of people who felt comfortable saying no after that increased. But nobody wanted to be the first to say no.

If you're in your probationary period and haven't disclosed a condition which could give you day 1 protection simply saying "I don't want to" isn't a good idea. The MD could let her go very quickly if he felt inclined.

The amount of conformists on these threads is depressing. IMO a lot of people are having a go at the OP because they don’t have the guts not to go themselves.

It's nothing to do with being conformist. It's being practical.

Well, if he fires someone for not attending the Christmas piss-up then he’s likely a cunt anyway and she’ll be better off in a different job.

I wouldn’t worry about not going but I would encourage you to disclose your health issues for future protection

Bullshit. If people want to go then that’s of course up to them. And plenty of people like going to these events.

But the reality is that a lot of people take the attitude that they work with these people and want to socialise with their own friends and families, but they go because it’s an expectation, not because they want to.

It’s an out of work event. Nobody is obliged to be there. So if you don’t want to go but you do anyway then you’re a conformist.

If you think it’s ok to put that same kind of expectation on to someone else and actually have the nerve to tell her she should disclose valid reasons not to then you need to ask yourself on what planet is that acceptable.

Your workplace is a bit behind the times. Don’t worry but take the opportunity to reassure management that you’re sociable and would have liked to attend but due to eg family illness at the moment your usual babysitters aren’t available and all spare evening time is taken up with family caring/ hospital visiting or something along these lines.

At my workplace (big company) we are constantly reminded to consider other people’s circumstances when planning and commenting on social events. Examples given include: ‘Not everyone can attend evening events easily, due to physical health requirements or caring responsibilities. Therefore you may wish to consider organising some lunchtime events or similar for inclusivity alongside or instead of evening events.’ It then goes on at length about ensuring events aren’t always built round alcohol, take account of dietary requirements etc etc. In practice we organise a mix of different things which suit different people and vary in timing, length etc so everyone can attend at least one event and everyone is happy.

Well of course he's not likely to say that, is he? He can sack her without giving a reason at all. The fact is that in the early stages of employment you have next to no protection except through protected characteristics. Just getting another job which suits her might not be too simple either. This is why disclosing her MS would be advantageous in her situation.