Being made to feel bad because I can't go to after work drinks or Christmas parties at the moment

[twokittlepumpkins]

I have a new job and couldn't make the Christmas party and it's been pointed out how it's really important to make social occasions.

I'm barely keeping things together as it is- now I am going to be made to feel bad for not being able to go to the party ?

I only have so much energy in a day and I need my sleep to function - I have to sleep by 9 pm if I want to be able to get up at 6 to do the school run and then get to work.

I suffer from a chronic illness which causes fatigue ( MS ) work don't know and I don't want to say.

I also have two kids, 2 and 5. Just the fact that I'm working my arse off at this new job, I am working harder than I've probably ever worked in my life. I am working full time and 3 days in the office. I'm chatting to everyone and putting myself out there when I'm there. There aren't any working parents in my particular role / team. I just don't think they get it at all. The MD has now asked on three separate occasions if I am going to the party and then if I went. Each time he made me feel rubbish about it. Raising his eyebrow and pointing out how important it is to make these events.

I just feel like he has no idea how hard this is, otherwise he would show some understanding. I made it clear that I love socials but having a Christmas lunch would be more appropriate for me at the moment. I had only a week or so notice of the party and couldn't find anyone to pick up the slack the next day- which is what would have been required.

My husband can't just take a day off work because I'm too tired to get up from the Christmas party. He also would have needed more notice.

I'm super sociable and actually love social stuff with colleagues but this just wasn't possible this time. I'll try and plan it next time but I'm sick and tired of being made to feel bad about this.

I can not come to after work drinks often as I need to pick up my kids. Surely it's more important that I'm able to function the next day to do my job? Where's the understanding of people's circumstances?

I look for places to work that are family friendly and flexible, ideally where people have kids. You're right, if people don't get what it's like and how busy it is to be a full time working mum with 2 kids, it's not something one can explain to an employer. Hopefully this is not a sign of things to come.

With sympathy I agree with this op

OP: 'I just feel like he has no idea how hard this is, otherwise he would show some understanding.'
Also OP: 'I suffer from a chronic illness which causes fatigue ( MS ) work don't know and I don't want to say.'

Of course he won't 'understand' if you haven't told him! Which is indeed your prerogative. However, keeping quiet, will likely make your colleagues/bosses just think you're anti-social and, in turn, not a team player.

Whilst none of us are paid to 'socialise', those who do attend after work drinks etc, will always be viewed more favourably than those who don't. That's just company culture, I'm afraid, and is unlikely to change any time soon.

But you have kinda admitted here that you are struggling to do the job!?

Whether we like it or not, some roles do require people to go 'above and beyond' in their job, which may, at times, involve attending meetings, socials etc. It's just how it is in business.
Doesn't make it 'right'; just makes it business.

I would not talk about MS if I was on probation and wanted to keep the job (sorry, I know I'll get angry responses about that, but realistically? I would keep my mouth shut. Employers have ways of getting rid of people if they think they are going to be trouble).

I WOULD say "My husband will be working away from home for a few days around that time and there is no possibility of getting a babysitter. I'm sorry, I do understand about the importance of in-person socializing, but I really want to prioritize my energies for my job, so I'm going to have to decline this time. Hopefully I can manage a lunch some time next year instead."

@Jumpingthruhoops I can do the job, I just couldn't go to the Christmas party. I would be able to go if I had been able to arrange for someone to wake up with my kids and take them to school the next day.

I would not talk about MS if I was on probation and wanted to keep the job (sorry, I know I'll get angry responses about that, but realistically? I would keep my mouth shut. Employers have ways of getting rid of people if they think they are going to be trouble

This is my worry. However the only thing that reassures me a bit is that it took them quite a while to find me as I have a specific skill set and just from speaking to others, they're quite desperate to keep me in the role. Recruiting is expensive and especially for my role it's taken ages. So I think unless I really mess it up, I'll most likely be ok, even if I do tell them about it.

Sympathy OP - pressure to attend a social event outside working hours isn't ok. There are lots of reasons why going to those isn't possible for many people. Childcare, elderly care, disability, neurodivergence, chronic illness, being a non-drinker - it should just be possible to say no to outside work events. Unless there's a requirement of the job to occasionally socialise out of work with clients, pressure to socialise in other ways is not ok.

However. If you've not told the MD exactly why you can't go, you also can't expect him to understand your reasons either.

I’d just say ordinarily you’d go, but you can’t get a sitter at Christmas with one week’s notice. Very unfair for them to be making people feel bad. Your LM should know about your health issue, adjustments may be able to be made. Some companies place great importance on social’s, sounds like this is one of them

She may have signed a form saying ‘I have no health conditions’ (a pre-requisite for working at this company).

Why is the school run and all the kid stuff down to you? Even without an illness it doesn’t seem fair that this is all on you. What does your DH do?

The school run is up to me on work from home days, of which there are two. In addition I do all the pick ups.

If they'd had the party on a Friday, I would easily have been able to attend. Which I also mentioned. A lunch time thing or on a Friday would have been fine for me to go. But not during the week, this time.

My line manager didn't bat an eye lid. Just the big boss.

You say the MD has asked three times -twice before and once after; and made you feel rubbish about it by raising his eyebrows and saying you should have gone?

If no one else is bothered you didn't attend. You are in control of that feeling rubbish side of things. It suggests it's not the culture of the organisation but just your MD is the twit witj poor management skills. (Or more kindly, possible born from the fact he's only experienced men in your role, so only experienced the level of men's childcare responsibilities.)

Ask your line manager if you've made a major faux pas about not going to the party. He/she could very well say something along the lines of that's it's just the MD has thing about it.

Regarding informing the company about the fact you have MS. You don't have to, but if you don't the company don't have to give you any accommodations regarding it. I understand a lot of people only reveal chronic illnesses after passing probation out of fear they might lose their job, but that's the exact reason people should because the company are aware they can't fail probation over something down to a genuine medical illness.

OP if you disclose you have MS it would give them a duty to make reasonable adjustments and you would have some protection legally for things like not going to the Xmas party, which you will not have if they don’t know. Tell HR and explain about the boss wanting you to go to the party and why you are not.

I worried about disclosing my mental health condition to my company when I started, but decided to tell my line manager. He was great about it, and reassured me that the company would support me, which in all fairness they have.

Absolutely don’t think disclosing in probation period is the right advice. People are being very naive about the idea that HR departments are there to protect you and not the employer. If the MD is already a bit of a dinosaur who has failed to employ women of child-rearing age, there’s good reason to be suspicious that he will think a medical condition will be trouble and concoct a reason not to keep you on.

Hi OP, please don't say anything negative to your boss like 'you didn't seem impressed', anything at all to suggest that you are somehow apologising for your condition or that you are already stretched to the limit. They are lucky to have got you as a team member; that's the confidence you need to project. Focus on the positives, what you can and want to bring to the team and how your boss should facilitate this. So, say you have MS, that it is a condition you manage very well and that you enjoy spending time with the team. Therefore, you would really appreciate being given more notice of such social events in future so you can get organised as your life requires a strict routine. That's it. I don't think you will hear any more on the matter from the big boss after that.

... but if he's such a dinosaur, he may well use the 'not a team player/ right fit etc..' excuse anyway. He will think twice if he has any notion of employment law after she discloses her condition.

You are doing really well to juggle everything and work too ! Just say “sorry l can’t do evenings but l hope you all have a great time “ and if they keep asking just say “as l’ve said , evenings are difficult but sure you’ll have a good time “ you don’t have to explain any further. They get used to and the reality is when they’re out and drinking they won’t be giving you a thought ! No way should you be put under pressure .

I just don't like work social events so I don't go. I do have excuses/reasons like childcare, distance from office, finances etc but in reality for me none of those are insurmountable. I just don't enjoy a work Xmas party so I don't go.
That should be the end of it. You shouldn't have to explain any further.

One week notice when you have 2 little kids is not enough notice. Many people would struggle with that, never mind if they had bigger health concern. You do NOT need to feel guilty about that.

No, they won't. They will have to have a legitimate performance reason to terminate your employment as anything else will be seen as direct discrimination. When you receive a job offer, there is often a form from OH asking you to disclose health conditions. This is the best point at which to disclose. Once you disclose, there is a legislative framework to protect you in case of unfair dismissal.

@Catza but doesn't unfair dismissal only kick in after two years of employment ? I could have a claim for disability discrimination though from day 1.

I do employment coaching as part of my job. I work with hundreds of people every year supporting them with disclosing their condition and arranging reasonable adjustments with existing and new employers. I don't have a single person on my books who was let go due to their disclosure at any point in their employment. The only people who were let go were those who had to take extended sick leave and we had to go down ill health retirement route. There were a few people at risk of loosing their jobs due to taking sick leave without disclosing, though.

Catza is spot on. I have MS, once I had the job offer and started the job, after a month or so I disclosed to my employer about my condition. I did that in writing via email so I had proof that I had done it and was then protected by the framework that legally covers you.
if you simply put in writing to the MD and copy in the HR dept, it will be sufficient.

Send a positive email, stating how much you are enjoying the role, highlight any positives you have brought to the team and state that you are aware it has been noted that you haven’t been to certain out of hours work parties and explain about your condition. You could say how you didn’t want it to define you when starting a new job, as you wanted them to see who you are beyond the limits of the condition, but unfortunately one of the limits is the “tired to the bone” fatigue that plagues you.
Give some suggestions about how you can deliver the job and how you look forward to positively impacting the company and its achievements.

i totally get why you didn’t want to; but don’t be ashamed of having MS. It is what it is, and will a little support and flexibility from your employer, you can do great things. X